Help with my step son

DougieslexJuly 30, 2012

I have been with my husband and my step son for 6 years, since my step son was 5, and my husband and I were married 2 years ago.

Since I've been with them, my step son has been a challenge, not just for me, but for everyone, his father included. His mother is not in the picture, and i became the mother role, however being the mother figure to this boy has been so hard I don't think if i wrote a book I could explain how challenging this has been. He has something wrong with him mentally, we are trying and have been trying for 6 years to get him help. He his uncontrollably hyper, his mouth moves faster than the speed of sound (talking all the time), he has ticks, and figgits and makes noises, and so much more, that is hard to deal with but I understand that he can't really control it. However there is another side to him, he seems like he has ODD but not the evil side of it. He doesn't WANT to annoy people or make them get mad at him or make them stressed out because he gets angry with himself when he does it and cries when someone asks him to stop the tapping or the clicking or the figgiting. IT IS SO STRESSFUL when he argues, because although he doesn't mean to make people angry, it is almost as if he can't help but argue with adults ESPECIALLY ME, he argues with his only friend, his class mates, his teachers, his step-grand parents, his dad, he doesn't leave anyone out, usually authority figures. When it comes to me, i've been in his life long enough that I do discipline him, and I do yell at him, and I am pregnant with my second child now, and simply telling him that because he hasn't brushed his teeth in a FREAKING WEEK that its becoming a problem and i have to make sure he brushes his teeth, he yells at me "I KNOW YOU TOLD ME" but this childs memory is smaller than an ant brain, he can't remember what he did two seconds ago, so we tell him, we have to remind him, and he fights and argues and 'm so stressed i'm ready to jump in front of a car. I have tried the quiet time I have tried the leave it alone let his father deal with it, i have tried so many things i am just at a loss. He almost deliberately comes in my face and wants me to tell him what to and not to do just so he can fight with me.

He asked me if he could stay up to watch a movie and I said to him not tonight because it will be past your bed time, and he turned it into a huge blow up, i have been patient with him for years and now i've just become tired of arguing with him, and i'm not going to just let him do what he pleases, and I am home with him for the majority of his life and his father is at work, i am his primary care giver and i am obligated to look after him and discipline him, however when discipline him and he makes a huge stink and hits himself, I get scrutinized by his father for arguing with him. I don't know what to do anymore. I have enough stress in my life with my 15month old daughter, i'm pregnant again, I am a type 1 diabetic and I lost my sight in my left eye due to surgeries and glaucoma and cateracts, and i'm only 24 years old. I can't do it anymore and I need help. someone suggest something that we haven't tried already please.

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justmetoo

So you're saying that after six years of 'trying' the doctors (both medical and mental) have failed to come up with a diagnosis and treatment plan? No therapy, no medications, not even a referral for the adults to a support group or specialized clinic to learn ways to handle/cope?

If the professionals can't can up with answers and assistance for your husband/you, I don't know what you think a meassge board can suggest that will make it all better.

I suppose my suggestion would have to be to change doctors and keep seeking answers that route as, if for no other reason except to help the child now suffering, there is a chance whatever the issues with the child are is hereditary and whether you are 'tired' of it all or not, it may be a possible condition for your little one and your soon to be one.

In the meantime, your husband may have to adjust his employment and working hours so you are not left home struggling with all the children by yourself. With the exception of perhaps summer, I will assume the child is in some type of schooling during the week days which leaves evenings and weekends that your husband is obviously off working. At 24, even if healthy yourself, a child with special needs, a toddler and a newborn is quite a handful...you've taken on a lot at a very young age. Your husband needs to keep pursuing the medical route until totally exhausted and arrange for you to have some caretaking assitance.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2012 at 6:04AM
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Amber3902

The OP doesn't go into great detail as to what she has done to get this boy help.

OP, it sounds like the kid has some form of ADHD. Check out this forum, www.addforums.com/forums/ - if the doctors you've been dealing with have been less than helpful, the folks on this forum will be able to offer you some advice and guidance.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2012 at 4:17PM
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readinglady

Some of your step-son's symptoms sound like Tourette Syndrome, which often occurs simultaneously with ADHD and obsessive-compulsive disorders.

However, the big issue is finding a pediatrician who can get you started on the right path to identify exactly what's going on and what treatments are available.

Once your step-son has been appropriately diagnosed (whatever's going on) hopefully you will be directed to support groups that will assist you and your husband with coping strategies.

This really must be awful for you, given the strains of your own health issues and the demands of a toddler with another on the way.

I hope you and your husband can be a team on this. It's definitely not something that can rest solely with you. It's too much for one person.

    Bookmark   August 4, 2012 at 3:10AM
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ladyknight71

I got lucky my own son has asperser's syndrome and ADHD. Blow ups calls from the school almost every day and so on. It was my own son and it was hard to deal with not knowing what is going on and taking them to doctors and psychiatrists still not figuring it out. It wasn't until I remarried my dh and moved to a new school, they called me and said we can't do this and have to send him to special school which wasn't until he was 12. BEST Thing that ever happened to him. Push until you find it switch docs asks the school anything. Life with him is still tough at times but knowing how to deal with him and his problems has made life much better. Don't give up!

    Bookmark   August 8, 2012 at 2:46AM
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catlettuce

I'm so sorry you are so stressed but don't give up on this boy. I agree your DH needs to make arrangements to help more or get you some help, as you have health issues and the pregnancy as well.

The first thing I thought reading your post was it sounds a lot like aspergers syndrome. I think if you & your DH search out an Md that specializes in Autism spectrum disorders this may help get your family on the right track to getting SS a proper diagnosis.

Check in the larger metropolitan areas with teaching hospitals and I'll attach a link to help you get started.
Best to you, your DH & little ones. Hang in there! Bless you for being such a caring mom.
~Cat

Here is a link that might be useful: aspergers diagnostic criteria

    Bookmark   August 19, 2012 at 3:47AM
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stepmomofthree

I am living the same life, and have been for 6 1/2 years. My stepson is now 15. Believe me, it gets worse as they get older. The shouting is louder and the hygiene problems become unbearable. He has lost his little kid affection for adults, and now he's sullen and rude all the time. Our home is an unhappy place to be, and forget about entertaining friends. I worry everyday that I've created an awful life for my daughter.

We've struggled to find a doctor that can help. The pediatrician talks about "counselling" but everytime we bring him to a counsellor, he refuses to talk. We've had an assessment that talked about "indications of ADHD", and then some suggestions for "more structure". Structure helped reduce some of the meltdowns, but it didn't turn a miserable kid into anyone you'd want to live with. We've just taken him to a highly recommended psychologist in a large city for a more in-depth assessment. Hopefully, we get some good advice there.

One thing that I can tell you is that I was where you are now four years ago, but without babies. There is a big part of me that's starting to question whether I should have left then, or should leave now. I've devoted a significant portion of my life, and a fortune, to caring for a kid who's a hostile misery. My relationship with my husband has deteriorated and we spend most of our time snapping at each other. It's no fun.

I agree with the lady who recommended a special school, especially a residential one. You need to protect your health and raise your babies in a healthy environment. You also need to ensure that you have some enjoyment in life, or you'll end up like me - considering other options.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2012 at 10:01AM
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