mil and exwife problems with ss- help

redlady_99July 18, 2009

I am new to this website and hope that I can get some feedback on the following. Thanks.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 4 years. We are not married but act in most ways like we are. We see his 11 year old son every other weekend. My BF is also suppose to see his son one weekday but his exwife gave that day to his parents. When they were married for the first 3 years of the SS life they lived with the BF parents.

My SS and I have a great relationship. We hang out together all the time when he comes over. However I am being told by my BF mother and exwife (they are closer than actual mother and daughter- lucky me!) that I am overly involved in my SS life. He didnt do well in school this past year so my BF and I have him read and work on math problems everyday which takes about 1-2 hours. My BF is sometimes busy working with his tools so IÂm left to takeover the summer work. I donÂt mind doing this and neither does my SS. At least he doesnÂt until he hangs out with his mom and Grandma.

My SS spent a week with my BF parents and his much younger cousins at the beach. He will be spending the next 2 weeks with us at our house. We took a few days off but some days we couldnÂt so we bring him to my parents (my mother loves to have him over- she bakes and takes him to the beach, watches movies). My SS says that he doesnÂt want to go there this time and would like us to bring to him to his grandparents so he can play with his cousins. His father told him no but his mother told him that she doesnÂt want him to be upset and wants him to play with his cousins. (We are kind of against him playing too much with his cousins- they are ½ his age and he doesnÂt care to make friends with kids his own age. He is very immature because of this so we try and get him socialized with kids we know who are closer to his age.) He says he gets bored at my parents- no kids. I donÂt know how much of an issue I should make of this. My mother really enjoys having him and is looking forward to having him 1 or 2 days. My BF parents are no help with this issue- if they had the opportunity they would take my BF weekends away from him so they could see more of my SS. What should I do?

One more question- cell phones. My SS mother bought him one 2 years ago so she could contact him ALL the time. I have since told him that it is to remain on vibrate (very annoying and irritating when it rings) and he can check it periodically throughout the day- we keep it in the kitchen along with mine and my BF. Sometimes he goes days without checking it. The exwife accuses me of keeping it off while he is at my house. I tell him to tell his mother that I let him keep it on. I do tease him about his phone though because after he comes from her house for awhile- he cannot function unless its in his pocket. HeÂll almost freakout if we go to the store and he forgot it at home. IÂm trying to teach him not to be so dependent on the phone. Am I wrong in this?

Please provide feedback!!

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A bunch of things going on here. I can understand your frustation -- but the child did live at Dads parents for 3 years, I can understand they want to see their grandson. If dad wants to protest legally, he can. If not, you have to accept it.

The child should be evaluated for academic issues. This is a lot of extra work -- if he needs it, it should be focusing on what experts recommend. IMHO.

I don't see anything wrong with child playing with his cousins. He'll grow up at his own speed. While dad can continue to send SS to your parents on his time, as SS gets older he will likely be more vocal as to what he wants to do.

Please do not tease 11 YO. That is not nice - you are the adult. Even if you think you are teasing, you are the one in power. He is entitled to communicate with his mother. If you are the one insisting that phone is to be on vibrate, then IMHO, you should be reminding him to check.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 10:08PM
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Thanks for responding. Some good advice.

He was evaluated and his teacher told me what he should be working on for extra help over the summer. His mom and Grandma think that summer time should just be all about playing.

As for his cousins- you dont think that there is something wrong with an 11 year old entering middle school wanting to play with a 5 year old entering first grade? I'm afraid for him not connect socially with kids his own age.

As for the teasing- I shouldn't have called it teasing cuz its not mean in anyway and he knows that. I asked him once how often he wants to call and talk to his mom and he said once or twice a week. It is her that needs to talk or text him all the time. If it is something important or she needs to talk to him asap she can call the house phone. He shouldn't have to constantly carry the phone with him wherever he goes.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 10:17PM
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If his teacher has recommended the program, then dad should communciate that to his mom and x. And X should feel free to contact teacher.

As to playing with 11 YO, you can not make a child grow up. If he is immature, let him build up confidence with hi cousins. I think what you and dad can do to help him is get him involved in sports -- I think that is a way for boys that age to connect with others.

good luck.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 10:31PM
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maybe SS could benefit from summer camps, summer school, summer sports (agree with kkny as about sports for boys)instead of grandparents.

I can see how spending summer with 5-year-olds might sound not too great but i can see how he can get bored at your parents. of course they do stuff with him and take him places but still he is 11, he needs more age appropriate activities.

as about phone, my DD didn't have phone at 11, but since this boy already has it why not letting him keep it on?

although i understand that you and your BF want him to go to your parents, BF's parents are actually his grandparents (especially since he used to live with them)

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 8:26AM
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Hi there Redlady,

it sounds like you're doing a great job with your SS. Congratulations to you. Any child benefits from having the attention of loving adults so spending time with you and your parents is a good opportunity for him. In order to help him look forward to visits with your parents, you and your SS together can plan some ideas for the time that he's with your parents (perhaps an outing, or a playdate with a school friend). You may even want to make a visit to the video store or a book store so he can pick up a couple of things that he likes and will look forward to.

As for the cell phone, I think that your solution is a good one. It's important to teach children to avoid constant interruption from a ringing cellphone. My stepkids don't bring their cellphones to our house and, when they do by accident, we put them away during their time with us. However, we do encourage them to make an evening call to their mother a couple of times a week to keep in touch.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 11:30AM
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