Step son who needs counseling ... Bio-Mom refuses

froggie1120July 10, 2011

I need some advice on what to do about my 8 year old step son. I have known my fianc� ( we will be married in march) for 15 years and have known his son since birth. He has had emotional Problems for a long time. He does not comprehend cooperative play. I have 2 bio children of my own one 7 year old boy and one 6 year old girl. Both of my chIldren play together and help each other. Of course they bicker as a siblings do, but it is nothing compared to when my step son arrives. He threatens them both physically and verbally. He lies constantly to watch others get in trouble and will pit one child against the other to see what happens. This behavior does not stop with them. He also lies to me and my fianc�. I know that alot of his actions with other children existed before my fianc� and his ex got a divorce, but they have been exastribated by his mother. She treats him as if he is 2 and speaks baby talk to him all day. She has taken all of his chores away, because he is suddenly "to little" for chores. She reminds him all the time that his dad doesnt love him as mug as she does. She is unstable and it is wearing off on him. My fianc� and she share joint custody, an he has suggested to get him into counseling many times, she refuses to get him help. It is causing a lot of turmoil in our home and I just dont know how we can help him find healthier ways to act and cope when he is frustrated. To put things into perspective, the example he gets at his bio moms house is stealing our mail. Breaking and stealing things out of there old home that my fianc� was awarded. She has a host Of mental problems her self... And I am at a loss. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!!!

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--"To put things into perspective, the example he gets at his bio moms house is stealing our mail. Breaking and stealing things out of there old home that my fianc� was awarded. "--

Why is you mail going to bio-mom's house? Why are things 'awarded' to your fiance still in 'their' old home? That really does not put 'it' into perspective for me. How long has your fiance been divorced and how long has it been since he moved out of 'their' old home? And I gotta ask...are you the other woman and/or play a role in the break-up of your fiance's marriage? Or does the BM and/or child at least believe you have/were?

You didn't say how this child gets along in school setting and with his school peers. Any insight in how he relates to other child and in other places besides your house and your kids?

    Bookmark   July 10, 2011 at 10:54PM
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So take him to counseling when he is at your home ..Dad does have him so set up appointments days he is with his dad

    Bookmark   July 11, 2011 at 10:55AM
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gardenandcats....I think that's awful advice. While clearly this kid (and the bio-mom) are troubled, it's not up to the step mom to make decisions like that with regard to the child's upbringing. That is a decision between the dad and the bio-mom....they have to work it out.

I am divorced and have 50/50 custody of my two kids with my ex....if I found out her current boyfriend ever went behind my back and did something like that there would be big problems. The OP needs to get her fiancee to understand that the child needs help...and if the step mom won't cooperate, then he needs to decide whether he needs to go to family court to get her to agree, or to just take the kid himself....he can do that...the step-mom (and as a fiancee, she is not technically even that yet), can not do it.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2011 at 11:34AM
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--"gardenandcats....I think that's awful advice"--

I seriously doubt Gcats meant for it to come out as 'sneak your SK off to counseling while he's at Dad's house under your care and to heck with what Dad/BM say/think'.

--" My fianc� and she share joint custody, an he has suggested to get him into counseling many times, she refuses to get him help"--

Even with a 50/50 there is often times a set 'medical decision' maker. If it is truly a she can/he can (meaning either parent can make medical decisions) than there is little BM can do to stop Dad on Dad's 50. Of course for a smoother , perhaps more beneficial, counseling session it would be best for best parents to agree and at some point for both parents to also attend. The idea behind the sessions I will assume is to bring the sides together to agree on ways to cope with child and for child to cope with his new sitatuion. Denying the child ways to cope with life and feelings blah blah blah is hardly in the best interest of the child. The biological parents must work as a team to bring together the help and assistance the child may need.

I'm still waiting for answers to above questions. Depending on the answers could be the core of what the child is actually having troubles with. If this child is having dealing and interacting with all children I would assume his teacher and school professionals would have been in contact with BM/Dad and discussed the options in helping the child. If the 'trouble' with the child is only present at home/s and has more to do with divorce, resentment blah blah's a different ballgame entirely. Being sheffled between to homes in it self can be a major stress factor for some kids. Being compared to two stepsiblings at live 24/7 together from birth on while the 'new child' in does not or perhaps does not even have other siblings is an unfair measure of 'judgement' as to what may or may not be 'wrong' with this child.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2011 at 12:06PM
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Even if trouble is divorce related, kid can benefit from therapy regardless.

I do agree gcats probably didn't intend for it to mean, go sneak behind BM's back. My ex can take Dd to therapy or doctor visits for whatever on his time without my permission. Neither of us can consent to invasive medical procedures unless in an emergency. I would suspect that in the event that a parent takes a kid in for an appointment, doctor/therapist would request copies of divorce decree:parenting plan to proove said parents right to seek treatment. I know my therapist for Dd required all documentation before seeing Dd.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2011 at 8:03PM
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I think all too often in divorce, it is easier to blame the other parent and not hold the child accountable for their own behavior. If you set the rules and have consequences for behavior he should behave in your home, even if he doesn't normally. The behavior should have natural consequences (e.g. if he is behaving is an anti-social way, he get's removed from the social situation, etc..).

    Bookmark   July 13, 2011 at 10:25AM
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I would seriously reconsider this relationship. If you marry your fiance, his child will be in your life for the foreseeable future and may actually be a threat to your own children, if he is that disturbed.

Please reconsider.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2011 at 8:45PM
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No of course I did not mean sneak him with out his dad knowing. Dad has him part time? If so I meant get him some help when he is with his dad..Dad should arrange it he must have some say..

    Bookmark   July 17, 2011 at 11:39PM
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My apologies then gardencats....I took it a different way than you meant I guess.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2011 at 12:13PM
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