Step funeral etiquette
The maternal grandmother of my adult skids passed recently well in to her 90's and the funeral was last Saturday. Coincidentally and more tragically, the 20 year old nephew of DH also passed and his out of town funeral was the same day. I encouraged DH to attend his brother's son's funeral as that was a genuine tragedy and that his ex's mother passing at 90+, while sad, still represented a long and full life. Both skids, especially SD36, were close to their grandmother. I have only met her a few times in passing like picking up SS at her home, over the years.
I stayed in town with DS7 while DH traveled to his nephew's funeral. We agreed the nephew's funeral would be too heavy for him. DS7 and I went on with our regular routine.
Some negative feedback, very surpisingly has come back from BM, SD36 and SS30 about our absence at the grandmother's funeral. I sent flowers but since I really didn't know her, have been told bluntly that I'm not family and since neither of my skids bothered to attend EITHER of MY parent's funerals or repasts I saw no reason to go. Plus I really didn't think they thought I should.
Well, they are displeased that no one was "represented." SD said she understood DH going to the 20 year old nephews funeral to support his devastated brother, but now has said, "someone" should have been there. Someone like who? Me?
What is the etiquette here? I really believe that DH did the right thing, I sent flowers to BM's family out of respect and have a hard time believing they wanted me there.
What is the step-family funeral etiquette?