Can't love SS7
this forum has been an absolute god-send for me. I always thought I was the only one who struggles to love (even like) my SS7. He's mostly an ok kid, not defiant or hostile ever. However, I still don't like him. He gets on my nerves for every little thing. My DH and I have been living together for a year and dating for much longer. What's been bothering me most lately is that SS has been displaying inappropriate physical affection for his father, starting with putting his body between me and DH all the time. Even in the grocery store, etc. If DH is talking to me, SS interrupts either with a new topic or misbehavior that derails our adult conversation. SS holds DH's hand whenever we're out in public. He's even gone so far as to knock my hand out of DH's to hold it. A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY holding his daddy's hand in public???? In the evenings, I cannot share a couch with DH because SS will slither between us. So I sit elsewhere, and SS is free to full-body rub up against his father, front to front, nuzzling his face into daddy's chest and lap, constantly squirming and rubbing his body all over daddy. Just short of actually humping his father. GROSS. It's like when SS is around, DH is daddy, and I'm supposed to bow at the shrine of SS too, and when SS isn't around, DH is back to DH.
In all other ways SS behaves like daddy's little princess, needing help with things he can totally do (emptying bathroom trash that he's done a thousand times? please), and staring at me with a look like I'm not speaking English. Wide eyed and confused. DH says all this weirdly inappropriate affection is because SS is jealous of the affection DH gives me. But We've lived together a YEAR and he's only become this way the last couple of months. DH says it's because SS is realizing I'm permanent. This sounds like bs to me.
He will occasionally throw an actual tantrum, like on Father's Day, he literally screamed, thrashed, yelled, cried, begged for his mommy, flung himself on the ground, ALL DAY. For TEN HOURS. No kidding. I was baffled he had that kind of stamina. DH thinks this behavior is HILARIOUS.
Worst of all, he has a HORRIFIC speech impediment (his therapist says he's finally reached the level of a 3 year old!)He can barely do L, can't do R, CH, SH, TH. He's nearly intelligible, and neither DH nor BM think there's any problem. DH says, he'll grow out of it. SS has NO interest in improving. He says he "wikes vuh way he tawks".
BM is overly permissive and indulgent, so SS thinks the world was created to serve him, and that him and his thoughts are more important than anyone else's, and what he wants is what should be. He can't fathom it any other way.
I can't stand to be around this kid and try to make myself scarce when he's around. This infuriates DH, who feels I should be doting on daddy's princess just like his mother does. DH insists I show SS all the affection and approval of a mother, without any of that pesky discipline or correction. Let me be clear, I'm not mean to this kid, he gets all the benefits my kids get, they get a popsicle, he does too, etc. I take good care of him and am pleasant with him, but it's not enough for DH. This is a real problem for him, even though he doesn't feel the need to love my girls the way expects me to love his son. There's always a "legitimate" reason: they're older, they're girls, they don't have the BM SS does.
I have a new job, and coincidentally, DH's working hours have changed, so we are going to have a problem picking SS up from his school. DH says he can't leave work early, so I'll have to. I said I won't jeopardize my job for that, and DH flew off the handle about how he's SORRY if his SON is such a BURDEN for me. Then went on to tell me how both of our jobs are important.... respectively. MY job is important to ME, but his job pays his bills, so...you read between the lines. I won't lose my job for this kid; I've already lost my sense of my place in life.
I fear that this issue is going to tear the "family" apart. Double standards for our kids is the worst. I think that plays as much of a problem in my loving SS as anything else.
Things are going south and I'm not sure I even care anymore.