Does it ever let up?!?!?! BM not allowing SS on vacation

DoolsJuly 27, 2011

Do you ever feel like there is nothing you can do about a horrible situation? Well that's the position that I'm in at the moment.

To give you a little history. I married my DH just this past March. He has a son, 9, who lives with his mother. They were never married, and while they do have a child support agreement (which is way too much for one child & based on complete fabrication on BM's part, but I digress), they do not have a custody agreement. Up until recently the arrangement was usually civil, even if it wasn't amicable, and we had SS every other weekend and parts of most holidays. That all is if it was convenient for BM. For instance, BM never wanted him on Memorial Day or Labor Day weekends since she is down at the shore partying with her friends. Christmas is always a struggle.

BM is 31 years old and lives with SS at her mother's house. Also in the house is her mother, stepfather, half-brother, and half-sister. SS has to share a room with his 16 year old uncle. (At our house SS has his own room.)

Now for the latest bomb shell...

Last night we received the call from SS that BM is not allowing SS to go on our vacation to the OBX in 3 weeks. This has been planned for months, was mentioned to BM (even though now she claims it never was) and SS has been talking about it all along. BM is claiming that SS is not safe with DH and "what if the waves are too rough and you would be in the ocean alone." She actually said this! We are going with 5 other couples, of which all of them have children, except for one and the girl is the sister to one of the mothers going. There will be 7 other kids: two 6 month olds, one 2 year old, three 3 year olds, and a 5 year old. The amount of parental supervision on this trip will be ridiculously high. Not to mention that we would never allow SS in the ocean by himself!

This is on top of the fact that BM's mother is taking SS to the OBX this weekend for a week�and it is DH's weekend. That was part of the agreement, knowing that SS is going to be away for one of our weekend, so he can the be away with us for our whole vacation.

Beyond BM claiming SS is unsafe with us, she is now saying that he can't go since they are going to Ocean City and have 2 other things going on that weekend.

SS kept DH on the phone for almost an hour saying how much he wants to go. At the end all DH could say was that he will talk to BM, that he wants him to go with us too, and that if he isn't allowed to go it isn't his decision.

While he maintains a good front for SS, this tears up DH! He would never do anything to put SS in danger and is angered that BM thinks that he ever would. It just seems to never end & is now causing stress in my life. Which is very dangerous, since we recently learned that I am pregnant with our first child. (I'm sure BM will flip once she learns this too.)

Does it ever get better and does anyone have any advise for how to cope/deal/handle the situation????????

Thanks for...

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Your DH needs to get custody agreement in place that specifically spells out days, times, holidays and vacations that kid spends with either parent. When you deal with conflicting parent, you can't go without court order.

BM does not get to decide on vacations and where SS goes or doesn't go, if there is a court order. At this point DH should make a phone call to his lawyer and discuss how to start ball rolling.

Other ladies here could tell you that their DHs don't even see their kids much because they chose not to have court orders/custody agreements and now BMs are within their rights to dictate where kids get to see their dads. Your Dh had to get that done ASAP before SS gets older and actually loses any interest in seeing his dad because BM brainwashed him over the years. Please tell DH to start legal actions.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2011 at 5:45PM
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you about covered it, PO1.

A stop can be put to the 'unfairness' your DH is getting as soon as he decides to go to court and get proper parenting plans/agreements. Same as with whatever CS DH is paying. Go through the proper process of having DH's income reviewed blah blah and a set support amount will be made based on facts. Unless the mother got your DH to sign something that states the amount is absolutely x amount from then until age whatever no matter what might change or circumstances may arise (nobody would be foolish enough to sign such a agreement), DH can have a modification review. And remember what YOU personally think is ridiculous and what courts decide is correct amount after review may be two different things.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2011 at 6:51PM
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Remember though she says they do have a CS order. Not sure how much Bm has power in making CS decision if it's an order. Im not sure many courts will just go off the word of a bm.

Get a lawyer. Get an order and then you will get summer time for your vacations. No one will really care the bm parties with her friends while his father has him nor that she lives with her parents. Many of us have lived with our parents at times especially when single with a kid.

FYI I lived with my parents for a couple of years when I was single. I partied when my Dd was gone to her dad's. I still have custody.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2011 at 9:16PM
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Yes, get a court order. Congrats on your pregnancy! If I may make a suggestion, DH should file now, and hopefully get an agreement before BM finds out you are pregnant - because you are right, if BM is of the unstable sort your pregnancy will ramp up poor behavior on her part. I'm inclined to think that this might be the case because I noticed "I married my DH just this past March" and "Up until recently the arrangement was usually civil". Unfortunately it is not uncommon for some divorced parents to not handle a spouse's remarriage well and use the kid(s) as pawns to express their hurt.

It seems a lot of DH's don't want to file for custody or modification because they are worried about rocking the boat or upsetting BM. But if DH does not, not only will this continue but it will get worse, and worse. BM has no right to decide that SS cannot go on vacation with his father any more than your DH can decide what BM is "allowed" to do when SS is with her! DH should approach BM with this as "wanting the ability to make scheduled plans" or some such, if he's happy with the amount of custodial time he has now. Most states have some kind of mediation and if BM and DH can agree that would be fairly inexpensive and painless.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2011 at 8:41AM
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myfampg, I agree partying and having holidays off while kid is with the other parent or family members does not make one a bad parent or not worthy of having custody. My ex didn't care if I partied or slept all day when DD was with him. She was with him because she is his DD not because it was convenient for me (dad is same parent as mom nto a babysitter).

Living with the family is fine too. Nothing wrong with that.

I also agree that BM is not he one who sets CS amount, courts do. SO's ex asked for 1000 alimony a month, she got none LOL One can ask, but if it is not warranted you won' get it.
I understand nto wanting to rock a boat, I often put up with crap because I didn't want confrontation with ex but when it comes to basic rights to be with your child, I think we are obligated to rock the boat. DH better start rocking...

    Bookmark   July 28, 2011 at 11:10AM
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