momof3_stepof1July 8, 2011

My ds16's sm is the 50 or so year old woman... I'm 32... Anyway, her step father just died. Apparently she thought of him as her "dad", which is just fine. She has my son listed as her son on facebook, which in turn put her as my son's mother on his page... along with me also his mother. I didn't like it one bit... BUT I just left it alone. My son's birthday was Monday.... he spent that day for the most part with his dad. This is the third birthday in a row they haven't bothered to get him one tiny little thing for his birthday. He doesn't have a room at his dads... he sleeps on the couch. Her grown son has a room along with his kids. They get gifts. So, back to her step dad dying.... they listed every grandchild but left out my son. I'd be ok with that cause he's not really his grandchild, he's my parents grandchild.... BUT... out in public like on fb she wants the world to think she's his mom... but she NEVER acknowledges him anywhere else and doesn't allow his dad to either. They've been married for 10 years. I've called my son's father's parents and vented to them about their son. They agree with me 100%, they really dislike sm and told me they've always loved me and even my dh. They left their son out of their will and have my son in it. So, I don't know if his sm is just trying to get even with my son, his grandparents or what. I'm just so very tired of my son being treated like a second class kid... except when she's trying to tell me what to do. (which we all know I won't listen to what she says anyway LOL!!) My dh's mom just passed away June 19....my son was treated EXACTLY like everyother grandchild there. My mother-in-law didn't differentiate between grandchildren and step grandchildren, nor do my parents. My son seemed genuinly upset that this man died, I asked if he really knew him and he said yes. (Cause they always do everything with her parents, not my son's real grandparents)... yet they totally leave him out. I just don't understand. Can anyone shed any light on this?

By the way, right or wrong, I went into my son's fb today and deleted her as his "mother"... left her as a friend though.

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--"By the way, right or wrong, I went into my son's fb today and deleted her as his "mother"... left her as a friend though."--

In my opinion, you should not have messed with DS's FB. One, SM my think he did it and take out anger on him. Two, his page and if he allowed it to say 'Mother' I gotta believe he either wanted it to or felt it was best to at least not fight it to keep peace. I think you should have perhaps discussed it with him before removing it. You're his MOTHER, the lady there 24/7 with open arms and unconditional love...he knows who his mother is.

THe obit might depend on the paper's guidelines. Here, usually the funeral home takes care of submitting the obit to papers after the family meets with funeral director to make arrangements. I have seen some obits state different things from paper to paper also. I've also seen where the family members on the 'in memory of' card states additional people sometimes not mentioned in the paper obit as 'family'.

So as to the 'why' she left your son off, I have no clue. Did she actually write up the summary for obit or did perhaps one of her relatives?

I'll agree it appears pretty uncaring to not give presents to one child but hand out to others. Do they at least make over him a bit on his birthday?

The room is debatable. If they don't have room for a seperate bedroom and/or can not afford a bigger place, I'd have to say they do there the best they can. How old is the other son, does he live there fulltime and how often does your son go for visitations? I think all of that might form a better basis for opinions. Even if your son is there little or a weekend or two a month, I think they should try jard to at least give him his own space for his possessions he has at there house. I'd think he should also have a space for a bit of privacy even if it were something like the den (familyroom, finshed basement room?) so he has a place in home to get away without being bothered during the time he is present.

I'll ask as you did not say...do these things bother your son? Does he mention hard feeling over some of the things you list? I'm just curious if some of this is an issue actually for him or if it bothers just you because you know how the situation is.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2011 at 5:51PM
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FB doesn't allow to list "step" family members. Or inlaws for that matter. There is simply no option for it. Should I not list my SD as a "family" member on FB just because they don't have the exact relationship for me to choose from? I have my Mom and my MIL both listed as "mother".

If she sent him a "family" request perhaps he accepted it to be polite. Either way, it was his decision.

FB causes alot of problems. We have BM and her family blocked from us. So that way even if I list SD as my "daughter" and she has me listed as her "mother", BM would never know because anything I do she is blocked from.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2011 at 8:00PM
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I agree with JMT. He is 16 and he is old enough to decide who is "family" and who is not. I completely understand your feelings but he is entitled to develop his own relationship with everyone.. family or not. Some people don't use "step" in their vocabulary... others treat all the same but feel differently because to some, blood is thicker than water.

In my opinion, what you did was interfere with your son's relationship with the other side of the family. We love our kids we hurt when they hurt, we want the best for them & we don't like to see them slighted... but at age 16, he is old enough to form his own opinions on who to trust & who not to trust... he can tell if she's only out to show off to make herself look good or if she's genuine to him. Unfortunately, what you did may cost some trust problems between you and your son. I'd hope not but my opinion is that a line was crossed.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2011 at 8:00PM
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I'm not even going to mention to him they I did that. He won't think anything of it. He hardlwy gets on there. I've deleted people from his account completly before and he didn't think anything about it. I have his passwords because in my house I need to know whats going on with my children. Our school principal highly suggests this... anyway.... she doesn't treat him like I treat my step son, she treats him like an extra. Like I said... I had left it on there for like a year or so, she just upset me so bad today with that that I deleted just the mother part. She has never treated him like a mother. He makes snide remarks about her a lot... even to his dad. And that's not because he hears me.... I don't let him hear me. He will say something about something they have promise him... then say yeah right or something to that effect.

As far as the house goes.... her son moves out then back in with his wife and kids. Hes like mid to late 20's....id go with late 20's. Its a large house.... $1100 per month house payment.... though its smaller then mine with a larger payment... my son gave me those details... I think because he knew it was rediculous and they won't be able to keep up with it. Hence no birthday gifts....or for that matter Christmas either. It upsets him but hes one of those kids who won't talk about it. He just mopes around and sometimes I see tears. When I ask what's wrong he just shuts down and hides. He has no place at his dads for his stuff or for himself.

As far as the obit.... his sm was this guys step daughter... she was listed.. but her ss was not. Just seems kinda crappy to me. My son is very very sensitive. At my mil funeral a couple weeks ago he broke down pretty hard. Yet here he wasn't even asked if he would like to go with them. But he was expected to spend all their holidays with these people instead of his dads family. I could tell he was upset today. I think he read the obit. I didn't want to ask though. Cause I don't like pointing out their flaws.... I want him to see them on his own.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2011 at 10:21PM
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I only deleted people from his account that I didn't approve of. Adult people.... from my family. Not his friends or dads family.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2011 at 10:40PM
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So, my Grandpa passed away Friday. Yes, I feel like I should be lying about this... one person shouldn't have so many deaths so close together. In his obit my ss was included as a grandchild as well as my sister's not yet step children. I guess this is just the diffrence between families who really care and families who pretend.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2011 at 10:07AM
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Mom3, the first person who died... was your son's stepmother's stepfather?

When my stepgrandfather died my dad was listed as a child, and me as a grandchild. My DD was not mentioned, nor was my SD. But my cousin's son was listed (same generation as DD).

When my DH's grandmother died DH and I were both listed, along with DH's DD but not my DD.

Here's the way I look at it: who cares?

It doesn't mean the family "doesn't care". My grandfather in law gets confused and thinks DD is related by blood sometimes. My DH has an aunt and uncle who keep introducing me as their sister-in-law (we are closer to their age than DH's other cousins, most of whom are under 18).

People who have just lost a loved one to death are stressed, confused, and make poor judgement calls. Cut them some slack.

Tell your son that the feelings he has are valid, and that's all that matters. The relationship between him and his stepgrandfather (once removed?) is not to be defined by any other person. Printing something in the paper does not mean it's true.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2011 at 1:10PM
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