I have empty nest/She has child
I am in a same-sex relationship of 3 years. I love her (Lily) very much. The problem is that I am dealing with a HUGE transition period in my life that Lily doesn't seem to get. My son graduated in May and will be leaving for college 6 hours away in August. I was a single mother from the time he was 4 until I started dating Lily 3 years ago. So having my only child grow up and leave is very hard for me. I am suddenly trying to figure out who I am, besides a mother, for the first time since he was born when I was only 20!
Lily has a 12 year old son. I do love him; lets call him Bobby. Bobby is a very active only child and loves to have other children over. Way before I entered the picture, Lily was allowing Bobby to have 3 and 4 children over whenever he wanted. This wasn't a problem until Lily started working nights 2 months ago and now I'm suddenly the one at home with all these children.
To make things worse, I enrolled for online college classes through the summer. I thought being distracted with school would help me deal with the empty nest syndrome. But now I'm having to study with all these children running around the house! I have not had time to transition to my son being gone, and suddenly I am raising every child in the neighborhood! And none of these children are like my child. He was quite, extremely intelligent, independent, and liked to read. These are rambunctious, 100% boy children!
I have tried talking to Lily about this but she just doesn't seem to understand the problem. I just don't have anything maternal left to give right now. Its all I can do to keep myself okay (I forgot to mention I am bipolar and was hospitalized 6 years ago for severe depression) without being responsible for all these young lives.
It is so bad, that people will just pull up to the driveway, drop their children off, and drive away without asking if its okay if I watch them. To me this is very, very disrespectful. Lily says no one means to be disrespectful. They are just used to being able to just drop the kids off.
My son was only allowed company on weekend nights and I had to ok it before they came over and we always had prior notice. This house turns into a train station in the summertime. Which didn't really bother me until this summer. Lily's response is that she has always let Bobby have whatever company he wants and that she wants Bobby to have friends over so he won't be bored.
There is one boy here that moved in when school let out on May 22 and has not left yet! And remember, from 2 pm on, I'm the only adult here. The kids usually don't get up until after 2 because they stay up all night.
And on the weekends, Lily is playing golf or working outside, etc. She is very active and on the go too so she isn't usually the one dealing with the children. Also, to be truthful about my resentment, Lily took the night shift without talking to me about it. She basically turned night care of her son over to me at the same time my son was graduating with no discussion about it. So I feel like now that I have raised my child, I'm suddenly responsible for raising Bobby. So I find myself ignoring him as much as possible.
Other than this issue, we really have no problems. But I am stressed out to the point of fantasizing about packing up and moving to the end of the state where my son is going. I know I can't follow him to school, but I think about living a town or two over so it can just be me and my dog and my son can visit. I am extremely resentful of these children. I have been confined to the bedroom all summer because they have taken over the big screen tv in the living room for their video games. I am about to lose it. And I can't seem to make her understand because it hasn't been a problem until this summer. But she was never gone at night until this summer. I think about running away a lot but then I think about life without Lily and running away doesn't feel like the solution. What do I do?? Help!!