Super Blended Family

betty_2010July 5, 2010


I have a very blended family. I also have a very emotionally blended situation. I don't know if there is anyone out there who can give me some advice, but I'm going to try. I'm sorry it's long I think I'm venting. I need advice, not a judge sentence. Believe me, I've judged myself into an insecure hole and I'm asking strangers now.

At 19 I had a son. Stupid, I know, but I did it alone and the father made it clear he didn't want to be involved. When my son was about 6 months old, I met a very charming man. His name can be Charming. He had three adorable children: 5 yr daughter Sally, 2 yr son Simon, and 6 month old daughter Sunny. The first two children were from his 1st ex-wife, and the 6 month old he had alone because in a horrible tragedy his girl friend died while giving birth.

At first, I didn't want any kind of relationship. In fact, the only reason he gained my phone number was because a friend of mine gave it to him and told him I needed to get out of the house before I completely turned into a hermit. But the more I let him into my life, the more I felt happy. So, over the next three years we took all the kids hiking, sledding, to community events, had dinners with his parents, etc. I helped him get a full time job doing something he loved. It was a late shift, but he was able to stay home with his kids and in the evening his older two would go with their mom and I started helping with the youngest.

Sometimes we would hang at my apartment and watch movies together. And this is when I should have cut it off, because now the scary stuff starts. On one of these evenings, my son and his son (now 2 and 4) were in my son's room. I thought they were playing. After a bit, Charming went to go check on them. He came out upset. I was informed his son had been trying to coax my son out of his diaper to look at you know what. But, no harm was done because it was caught before anything actually happened. I thought maybe it was just a growing faze. I've heard of kids playing Dr. We sat down with both and talked about good touch, bad touch. Asked if anyone had done this with his son, and how other people's bodies are their own.

Everything seemed okay after that. We carried on. Time passed, Charming proposed. All the kids were there, it was so funny, his son asked, "Daddy why are u talking so fast?" I said yes and we decided to move in together. The kids' ages were 7 yrs, 5 yrs, and the youngest two at 3 yrs.

Now it gets hard. Charming worked every night. I gained a job where I could be home and I took care of the youngest two full time, and his older two every weekend. At this point I was finding out about his ex-wife. She liked men, lots and lots. But she found one she like better then most and I was happy for her.

charming and I stayed engaged for a time, in all about 2 years. But, in that 2 yrs things seemed to get harder and harder. Some cool things happened though. My son asked if he could call Charming dad and after discussing it with Charming we decided it would be a good step. Here's a doozie. His youngest, who is a daughter, went with her grandmother on her deceased mother's side sometimes for dates. I thought it was cute until she came home one day and cried in bed for about 2 hours. She wouldn't let me near her. When she finally stopped, she told me her gramma had taken her to the park and let balloons into the sky because it was her mother's birthday. Looking into this tiny girl's face full of hurt made me want to scream. So, I told her that it wasn't her fault. That people hurt sometimes and that her mother wouldn't want her to cry so much. Soon after, she started calling me mommy.

On the weekends I would take the kids to do stuff. I started taking them to an indoor pool with a friend and she helped me with all of them. Then, the crappiest thing happened. When we were getting dressed, I put the boys with the boys and the girls with the girls. It was all in one room, but they had curtain room things. I went to go check on the boys and Charming's son was touching/grabbing my son and I flipped. I got everyone out of there and home and I asked my friend to stay with me until Charming got home.

I told him, and I said I think it would be best if his son went to the Dr. to get checked out and get maybe a referral to a councilor.

The next week Charming and his ex-wife took him. The Dr. gave a referral and said this probably happened to the son.

The ex-wife never took him. I yelled at Charming for not trying harder. So, we did what we thought was best. We sat down and talked. We pulled out anatomy books and talked. We asked if anyone made him feel uncomfortable. He said no, so I let it go. But at this point, I was scared to leave my son in the same room with his son.

Other stuff started happening. The oldest daughter would come home from her mom's house and say "Our Mom is really getting married. She's engaged and already planning her wedding" I didn't know what to say, so when in doubt don't say anything right. Other comments would come out like "Sunny is (deceased mother's name's) baby too." "Can I call you mom?" The first one I just let it go, I didn't know why an 8 yr old would say that and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, because I wanted to. The second one, I said sure as long as you know your mom is your mom and I love you, but your mother is a big part of your life. Maybe you should talk to your dad and mom about it. Well, both Sally and Simon started calling me mom.

We took them camping, and they would go home and come back saying their mom and husband didn't think that was safe. I made pillow cases for all the kids and they came home and said they couldn't use them. It was almost every weekend when something like this would happen.

Now, close after the ex-wife gets married I had an incident where Simon was trying to play married with Sunny. He was trying to kiss her under the table like tongue. Yah, at this point I'm not handling it so well and I yelled at him that he can't do that. Then about 2 months later, Simon launched Sunny off of a reclining chair and Sunny broke her leg. I know it was an accident, but I was all the more edgier to leave the room even to use the bathroom when all the kids were together. Do you know how hard it is to take 4 kids to the ER? Very hard.

Charming and I had planned to take all the kids to a snowy cabin after we got married. The ER visit and leg was more of a monetary need. We got married in jeans lol!

So, here is the wrap up. After the wedding, Simon went home and told his mother that my son had shoved Sunny down the stairs and that's what broke her leg. Sally also said this. They told their mom I forced them to call me mom. They also said I spanked them, but they also said this about their grandparents a while ago when the grandparents hadn't. Finally, they said I called them names and all this other wacky stuff. The phone call I got from their mother was not fun and in fact very bewildering and upsetting. The next weekend Sally and Simon told Charming they didn't want to live with him on the weekends anymore. I thought that was weird because I thought maybe their mother would talk to him and not send the kids to do it.

Charming talked with both of them about the things they had said, and he told me in confidence they both broke down and told the truth. They never said anything to me and as far as I know they didn't tell their mom either.

Charming and I had an opportunity to move out of the state. For better or worse, we did. Now I've had to take a break from college to pay for the two oldest to come stay with us for the summer. And I've found a job where I will be off during the summer to help with all four. Sadly, I've heard the ex-wife's husband may or may not have caught her with another man. But, he's in jail now and she has a restraining order.

So the kids are coming in two days. I'm scared and I feel sick. Did I mention I'm helping a family member out with her 1 yr old? That's 5 kids! I can't talk to Charming about my insecure feelings because he needs to enjoy his family and when I do we just fight. I did ask my sister in law to come help me, and she agreed. But, I feel like I'm getting a cold shoulder from her: won't return my calls etc. I've tried to talk to my mother in law and she told me the only thing the kids needed was love. I feel like my head is going to explode. I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I'm scared of being responsible for these kids. I know they are children and just need a good person to help them, but after everything I don't know if I can do it anymore. I love my husband, but sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who thinks about what might happen. I think maybe I made another bad choice, and I should have just left well enough alone and stayed that way.

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Sorry, I do know how to spell counselor.

    Bookmark   July 5, 2010 at 6:45PM
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I think I missed a part of your story. What is the mom's husband in jail for? Was he the one "touching" Simon?

There are lots of posters here who can relate to finding out their SC lied about them, so you're not alone. My SD has embellished things to get her BM's approval, and even made up lies stemming from things we actually did (she told her BM we were filing court papers on a Sunday night when all we were doing was dropping off DH's speeing ticket payment in the court dropbox). It causes the bio-parent to react and give the kid attention, which is what they are going for, regardless of who they hurt. Alot of times this is done to gain favor with the bio-parent.

I know it doesn't make it any better that other people have gone through the same thing, but it is definitely nice to know you're not alone in a situation where you feel really alone.

Hang in there. I know it's tough, but you are doing the right things.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2010 at 3:08PM
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