Rare blended family.....HELP!

annielynmJuly 7, 2010

Hello to everyone, I came across this forum and would love some advice!

Here is my situation:

I am a 33 yr old divorce mom of 2. A 9 yr son and 15 yr daughter. For the past 4 yrs I have been in a relationship with a 52 yr old man and living for 2 yrs now with him and his 16 yr old son in their home that he has owned for 17 yrs.

NEITHER of our childrens ex's are a part of their lives in any way shape or form, nor are their ex's families.

All three of our kids have been burnt in the past from our ex's. My children it seems dont really care and just want a loving family and a stable man in their lives and always show respect to any man I have ever dated, hopeing he will stay.

BF's son has always had a 'poor me' "i dont get to see my mom" "everyone my dad has been with is mean to me" attitude.

We have had ups and downs from the begining with his son, but BF and I are very much in love and have a GREAT relationship outside of the kids issues.

Like all you other stepmoms, I have gotten the cold shoulder, ignoring, rolling eyes, refusal to do things or purposfully half-assing something and then a shrug of the shoulders and an "i didnt know" response along with all the other 'household' issues.

BF tells me to just ignore it and love SS for who he is.

BF family thinks I am a dumb little blonde who has never stood on my own to feet ( they have NO idea about my past, I have always supported myself until 3 yrs ago ) and they verbalize this in front of me and other family memebers AND the kids.

I started drinking more and more to cover the pain last year or so and it worked for a bit but not anymore, I now get mood swings and get angry over very small issues which has made things around here worse.

This last month I decided to stop drinking, and I feel so much better and happier. ( I have not told thins to ANYONE )

I also told BF that I do not want to live this way anymore, the house always has a 'negative' feeling when the SS is home. ( he says my kids are mean to him too and they no longer like him around either )

Of course BF was hurt, I am too, but want to be a happy giddy person like I was when we first met, no the sour pissy one I have come out be the last few years.

So, BF and SS grab their clothes and 'some' belongings and set up home on the other side of our property ( the inlaw apartment we have )

BF says and I agreeded that we want 'our' relationship to work and last, we love each other, lets just not live together anymore or atleast until the kids are grown.

Since then I no longer get 'good morning' text messages, he doesnt come climb into bed with me in the middle of the night, sex, anything now.

This last week we talked and he said I quote "I want to be with you, I care about you and your kids, but I cant, it would be too hard on SS, he would be hurt, not now, I couldnt tell him that we might go out to dinner and have him getting upset and thinking that we might get back together, not now."


Did I miss something? or am I crazy?

I really feel like SS has what he wants now..."his Dad" and Daddy just wants to make him happy. In less than two weeks he was bought a new laptop ( that months ago we said we could not afford ) spent $400 on new clothes, got a new bed, along with many other things.

I am so in love with this man, but will admit that I have grown to hate his son. I did not feel this way in the past, just now.

Should I hang tight? Maybe BF will come around and we can move on with our relationship or should I say screw it, why should I have to wait for them....and move on.....

I am a very pretty gal ( as I am told ) and cant go the the grocery store without getting hit on....I can easily have a handfull of men at my door in a matter of days, yet I love my BF.

What should I do? I need advice!

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You deserve better.

He's made his choice.

So, are you willing to wait? Is there something so special about him that makes him worth waiting for? His specialness is belied by the fact that he is allowing his nearly grown son to dictate his relationships to him. Don't kid yourself that it won't continue on when the boy is an adult. Dear ol' dad is already teaching him that he has that much power.

Something bothers me about your last statements: "I am a very pretty gal ( as I am told ) and cant go the the grocery store without getting hit on....I can easily have a handfull of men at my door in a matter of days,"

I truly believe that, while good looks may attract a larger group of admirers and potential partners, having a handfull of men available because you are a very pretty gal is not saying much more than there are a lot of shallow guys out there. Maybe that's why it bothered me a little~sorry it was just my personal opinion.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2010 at 1:41AM
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Ima, I didn't really see her statement that way. I kinda saw more like the Beyonce song "You Must Not Know About Me."

OP, I think you should move on. You are right...you can have your pick of lots of other men; any woman can. Guys are a-dime-a-dozen. No sense in loving a man who doesn't love you.

Sounds like he is using his son as a convenient excuse to not be with you. T

hat's what my X does. His GF is super annoying, but for whatever reason he can't be without her. Every time they break up he uses DS as a reason. Different reason every time. So I don't think your BF wants to be with you and is blaming someone you can't really be mad at.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2010 at 4:14PM
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Ima, you are incredibly diplomatic because I took her statement as evidence that she is so self involved that she is completely oblivious to the impact her current situation will have on her own children as she is more concerned about finding the next stud.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2010 at 10:25PM
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I took that statement to mean that she has low self-esteem and that it was self-affirmation. She's already said that BF's family thinks she is a dumb little blonde (how does she know this? Is BF telling her they think this?), that BF has told her in the past to just deal with SS' rude behavior, and now he is catering to SS at her expense.

Annie, I know that you want to do what's best for your kids - is this guy really a good role model? A good step-father? Obviously he's not a good BF! Is it best for your kids that you are in a situation which led you to drinking? (Congrats on stopping, BTW).

Are you going to AA meetings? You'd get a lot of support there, and it's so important that you not start drinking again. My advice would be to not worry about finding a new man, but to work on making yourself the best Mom and the best person that you can be. Believe me, your kids will be a lot better off with a sober, happy, responsible Mom and no Dad figure at all than with a Mom who is unhappy and drinking and a male figure who is indifferent to them and/or blaming them for his son's discontent.

    Bookmark   July 9, 2010 at 8:16AM
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