I need advise please

nowinsituationJuly 13, 2010

I am in a mess. I am a 57 year old woman on my second marriage and that one is going to end if I don't figure out what to do. To make a long story short, my husband and my 25 year old daughter had a very bad falling out. My daughter is not married but was living with my husband and I in the house that she grew up in. She moved in in November with my 4 year old grandson. She believes that my husband takes advantage of me by not helping around the house more and my husband believes she takes advantage of me by asking me to watch her son more often than he believes is appropriate.

I have no problem either way and love taking care of both of them. There was a blow out in January, and some bad things were said by my husband regarding my daughter and I asked my husband to leave which he did and now what do I do. She told me she will never speak to me again if I go back with him and he will not move back in the house with her here. He has bad feelings towards her now, and visa versa and I am stuck in the middle. I am afraid she will leave and I will not see my grandson and that will lead me to be angry with my husband and hurt our chances of trying to work at our marriage. Please help. Any advise would be appreciated!

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It is really unfair to have both your husband and your daughter making you feel that you must choose between them. That said, it sounds to me like your husband is being less demanding than your daughter; if I understand correctly he just wants her no longer living in the house. Your daughter says she wants you and he to split up entirely.

Speaking of the house, you say that it's the house your daughter grew up in. Whose house is it? Is it yours, or yours and your husbands? If your first husband paid off the house perhaps your daughter feels that she is more entitled to live there than your husband.

At any rate, it is incredibly presumptuous for your daughter to tell you that she will never speak to you again if you don't leave your husband, because she doesn't like him. It is none of her business of the details of who does what in your marriage, so long as it works for you and your husband (and no one is abused). It is, however, at least to some extent your husband's business of who lives in the marital home.

I would put a happy marriage before an adult child's wishes. You put the kids first when they are children, and go without, and put off things you want to do, but now it should be your turn. If you and your husband split up is daughter going to stay with you the rest of your life so that you aren't lonely, or is she going to take off with the first suitable man who comes along and leave you by yourself?

If you are really worried about seeing your grandson, consult an attorney. There are a lot of states now where grand-parents can get court ordered visitation and especially if she's been having you watch him all the time while she's elsewhere.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2010 at 4:32PM
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she is an adult and should be telling you who to be married to, at the same time it is OK to help adult children. i don't really have any advice here...honestly I think that's why second marriages don't last...it is too much of a juggle between spouses and children, especially adult children.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2010 at 6:07PM
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I mean she SHOULD NOT be telling you who to marry

    Bookmark   July 13, 2010 at 6:22PM
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Mattie's right -- It's tremendously unfair of BOTH of them to try to put you in the middle, and frankly, YOU need to step out of that spot and insist that they both manage themselves and their own emotions a bit better.

Also, the whole blowup - the issue of who's taking unfair advantage of you more - and your response - that you're happy being taken advantage of from both directions - sends up a whole lot of red flags... I'm going to assume that both your husband and your daughter had valid points, and that by not sticking up for yourself, you told them both that they were wrong instead of telling them both they were partly right...

What do you want to happen?
It sounds like you want to save your marriage, but also like you're reluctant to throw your daughter out.
I get that.

She needs to hear that she has NO RIGHT to dictate the terms of your marriage, and that if she refuses to change her position, that you'll call for some moving boxes first thing in the morning and that you'll miss her and your grandson very much. That you've thought about your husband's outburst and concluded that there was some (however much) truth to his views, though you can't agree with how he said what he said.

And your husband also needs to hear that you're not willing to throw your daughter out into the streets if she's willing to apologize and step up a bit more. And also that you and she have developed a plan with a timeline that will get her back on her own two feet and out of your house. And ALSO that she was a little bit right in what she said about him not helping out as much as he could around the house, and that if he'd like to come back home, you'd welcome him back and hope he will be willing to do ____ (whatever).

    Bookmark   July 13, 2010 at 6:31PM
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I totally agree with Mattie, great post!

    Bookmark   July 13, 2010 at 9:26PM
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I also agree with mattie! Right on! Contact an attorney if you must, but before that, if it were MY daughter, I would have a sit down heart to heart... she is a grown woman with a child, she is your daughter but she is not a child, she's just acting like one! I would explain to her that you love her but you also want to be happy & your DH makes you happy. Ask her if SHE wants you to be happy? Also, explain to her that you love your grandchild, but more than that, your grandchild loves YOU and it would be unfair to your grandchild to cut you out of his life just because you want your happiness.

The bad part is that now she lives with you and he has left. Is there any way you can move to where he is & she can stay in the house? I don't think she's entitled to that, but on the other hand, if he has a new place that you could share... maybe it would be an option. She should be paying rent... even if it's just a token amount. Giving an adult child a free ride is not helping, that's enabling.

Really, you should have stood up for yourself from the get go... told her to stay out of your marriage & tell him that it's YOUR grandchild & you can say no if you want to but you don't want to. Unless you complained about them to each other, that should have been nipped in the bud on both ends.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2010 at 10:44PM
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Well... what did he say about her that was so bad you kicked him out? to a point, I agree with everyone that it is not your daughter's place to dictate your relationship, but if are we talking about something that rises to the point of emotionally abusive toward her (admittedly subjective)? If he was abusive to her, I can see her position...

    Bookmark   July 14, 2010 at 11:55PM
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some bad things were said by my husband regarding my daughter and I asked my husband to leave

I don't think this can be blamed firmly on the daughter. Either husband was VERY BADLY out of line *towards daughter* (not just about how much OP does around the house, but specifically towards daughter), or at the very least OP reacted in a way to suggest he was and affirmed daughter's bad opinion.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 12:10AM
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maybe he made racial or some other this type of comment about her daughter, that would be enough to throw him out

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 8:03AM
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I so appreciate all the posts. I am a weak person when it comes to me due to many things from my youth. With that being said I am trying to make it right all the way around. I spent the evening with my husband on Saturday and lied to my daughter. She found out and s---hit the fan. She says in part she is sticking up for me due to many things I said to her regarding my feelings throughout my married life, again the fact that I was not happy, but also not insisting that my husband and I do anything about it. I would get mad and then just become resentful of him and not talk, and so on. There have been times through the years that we have split due to this and of course she knows that. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and know that I, at least in part, contributed to the state of our marriage. He and I are willing to put in the work to fix it, but she says that I am weak and she has lost respect for me because I am going to go back with him. She left my home Sunday evening, came for dinner on Tuesday and I am not sure where to go. She says she does not want to interfere if I want to try to make my marriage work, but she also wants nothing to do with him and he will never be able to see her son....I am so sick of the drama of my life but so scared too.
Just to clear up some questions"
1. The house is in my name alone. My first husband left the home and I have been making the payments for the last 20 years.
2. My husband did not make any racial statements to her, but he did call her some nasty names and told her that she was taking advantage of me (due to the time I spent with my grandson.) Again I do not agree with him on that.
I am now starting to feel the effects of what stress does to a person but it just feels like it won't end.
Thank you all for listening. Just writing this helps.
once again I appreciate the feedback.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2010 at 8:12PM
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I think anyone who states "I am a weak person when it comes to me due to many things from my youth" needs individual counseling before attempting to tackle anything else. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Until then, nothing else will make sense.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 9:15PM
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