Hard time Accepting

fransinJuly 7, 2010

Having a hard time accepting the position I am in. I am 42 years old, divorced with a beautiful boy who is 7. In July 2008, my ex-husband passed away. Though my son didn't have a "typical" relationship like a father and son usually do, because he was always working and never home, my son was still very sad and misses him very much. During this time, I was in a relationship with a man I have known and loved since 2nd grade. We "dated" twice in high school (LOL), and ran into each other in 2006 at a high school reunion. We've been together ever since. With him came his triplet boys, which was not hard to accept, but just a big change for me. I was very thankful tough that they were in our lives at the time of my sons dad passing, because my boyfriend and his triplet brothers were there for my son. I love the triplets and my now fiancvery much. He is a wonderful man and a great father. When our relationship started, he told me about another son he had prior to the triplets. He was never in his sons life, but has been paying child support for 10 years. His son is now 17. He tried looking for his son over the years but was never able to find him. He has always felt bad about turning his back on him. So recently, his son found him and wants to have a relationship with him and I am just having a hard time with it all. Though I knew about him, I just never, never, never thought this would transpire. I know that what happened years ago was not the kids fault and all the kid says he wants is a relationship with his dad, but I just donÂt see myself welcoming him like I did the triplets. And also wonder if there is another motive. I donÂt know why I am feeling like this except for the fact that I am happy with the family I have now and donÂt want another person to add. And I really don't want another woman to deal with, though the triplets mom and I get along very well. I feel like a horrible person and I have asked God to give me the strength to accept this because if I donÂt, my fiancé has made it very clear that he will not turn his back on his son again, which I donÂt expect him to. I havenÂt asked him to choose, just to give me some time. I also donÂt want to take another daddy from my son, so another reason I have to accept it. I love kids and thatÂs why I feel so selfish and wondering why this is so hard for me. As I read this website, I was shocked and felt comforted that I am not the only out there who canÂt explain why they cannot accept their significant otherÂs kids. Can anyone offer me a bit of advice? IÂve been reading about acceptance to get me through this but just don't know.....

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Well, I kept thinking someone would chime in, but I also kept thinking that what you've got going on here is maybe too much to get substantial help from an internet forum.

Your fiance is absolutely perfectly right in insisting on re-connecting with his son, & although you've been thrown a curve ball, your reaction probably seems out of proportion to him & even downright selfish & self-serving.

If you don't want to "take another daddy" from your son, you need to face reality & mend those fences pronto.

(You may have been very premature in assigning "daddy" status to a man, any man, to whom you are not married, so it's understandable that you feel like your position is insecure; it is.)

Please approach your guy & tell him something like, maybe, how important, how absolutely pivotal, he is in your life & in your son's life, & & how you feel like the ground is trembling beneath your feet.

You & he need to be on the same side & to see this as something to get through as a team;
you've got his back & he's got yours.

The two of you probably should get some support & guidance from a good counsellor;
you're not the only couple who have things like this;
it happens, & couples get through it.

Even though you may feel like you're alone on the ocan in a very small boat & the boat is rocking wildly, remember you've got a partner with you, & remember he's in the same boat; your response to the reappearance of his older son has his boat rocking, too.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2010 at 1:02PM
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Thank you for your response. We have talked about counseling, just need to proceed with it. Until then, I had decided to search the internet to find somewhat similar situations to see if I could "self help" myself, that's when I found this website. You are absolutely correct in all you have said and I have seriously taken it all to heart. Once I accept, things will be fine...I am assuming. I am just a very cautious person when it comes to new ppl, especially when my son is involved.

Thank you again very much!

    Bookmark   July 8, 2010 at 4:06PM
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How did your fiance pay child support for the past 10 years but not know where his son was?

    Bookmark   July 8, 2010 at 4:11PM
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Have you actually met this son yet? It's sounds like you've been through a lot in the past several years, and so maybe now that your life has finally settled down and you are all happy, you're just frightened that someone (the SS) is going to come along and throw everything into turmoil and upheaval again.

But that's almost certainly not going to happen. He's 17; he's not a little kid, he's a young man who may be a fabulous SS and who adds a lot to your family's lives. He's probably very nervous and worried as to how you will all accept him, and will be trying very hard to be agreeable. As for his BM, why would you have to deal with her at all? SS is almost 18 and a legal adult; DH and SS can certainly speak directly without her interference (if she was even planning to do so).

I tend to worry about all the things that might go wrong too - but that doesn't mean that they will go wrong. It's probably going to be a lot easier to accept an actual young man than a mysterious unknown.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2010 at 5:14PM
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Mom2 - I have a friend who's husband paid CS for 15 years, but never could find the mom because the CS went to the mom's parents house. If someone wants to dodge, they can almost always find a way.

Fransin - your feelings are actually pretty normal. You are being protective over the life you have built and change is never easy. Most people who have these things dropped in their lap get territorial, but, like you, they know they have to accept and eventually incorporate these things into their lives.

Mattie is right...most likely, you won't have to deal much with the mom because the son is nearly grown, so don't worry so much about that. And this is probably really hard on the son, too.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2010 at 5:32PM
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Mom2 - he went to CS and asked for their information, they would not give it to him, so he left his info. The mother went to CS and asked for his info and they didn't give to her, so she left her info. This they just found out from each other last week that CS was basically keeping them from each other.

Mattie - Have not met the son yet. That is the point I am trying to get to now but am not ready. My BF says he's a good kid just wants his father's love, which he has. The son knows that I am not ready and apparently understands. You are right on the $$ in that I am very frightened. My life has been crazy since 2005 dealing with my then husband, separation, divorce and death. I'm in a happy place now and that's what I want. And I worry about the Triplets. There is gonna come a day when my BF chooses his new son over them for some reason and they are not gonna like it. The trips are 15. And I worry that my 7 yr old is not gonna understand, although he is very mature for his age since he hangs with his triplet brothers. I dont' know why I worry about the SS mom. Part of me is mad because she didn't stop to think what it might do to BF family he has now. And not just me but to his trips. That just really bugs me! The triplets mom and I interact very much. We talk every week about what kid is staying where and who's picking who up. We sit together at all their sports, we hug, I hug her family, she hugs mine. I am a very jealous person and it has taken awhile to get to where we are but I am glad for the sake of the kids and for us. I doubt that I will have to deal with the BM since BF and SS relationship will not be the same as BF and triplets, but still, I don't even want to meet her.

Ashley - I am surprised after reading some of these posts that my feelings are normal because my BF thinks they totally are not! And because I can't explain to him how and why I am feeling, he doesn't understand. But I have received good input about this that I can now explain to him when need to. We haven't talked about it because it just starts a fight. This all just happened last Tuesday...all on Facebook!

In addition, it is going to be very hard to tell my parents. We have a family business and they basically have always taken care of my brothers (53 & 51) and I even when we were able to take care of ourselves. Though we grew up with a big family, as we got older, my brothers never married or fathered children. I was the first one. At the time, my parents were 65. They are now 75 & 76 and are just set in their ways. It took a lot for them to accept the triplets, especially my mom. I just know they are going to judge my BF, which is wrong because he is a good man. But I know that I need to finally step up and not be afraid. My brothers and I have always just respected their ways and know that they never want to let us go and still try and have control.

I am really liking this forum because it really had helped me a lot. I found this on another site which was an answer to someone's question and though it talks about a child, it's the same thing and I keep reading this over and over:

"However much you wish your boyfriend didnt have a past, he does. The little boy is an innocent child, not a "kid" who is to blame for his very existence. It sounds like your boyfriend is taking his financial responsibilities for his child seriously, showing that he is much more mature than you are.

However much you love each other, your boyfriends feelings for his child are (and should be) longer and deeper than his feelings for you. If you truly love this man, you must stop asking him to choose between you and the child he fathered. You must find a way to open your heart to the little boy and to forge a cooperative relationship with his mother. He needs his father in his life and he needs all the grownups to act grown up so that he has positive role models and the love he needs to grow emotionally healthy."

So basically I know what I need to do but the stuborn beatch in me doens't want to let go and give in. Sorry so long.....

    Bookmark   July 8, 2010 at 6:43PM
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First of all, I am not going to chastise you for your feelings because they are only that---FEELINGS. We can't help how we feel but we CAN help what we do about it.

I understand your feelings here and I think everyone is right--you are being protective of your life, your son, and I think your emotions are based on fear of the unknown. That is totally normal, even understandable. I think i would have a similar reaction.

I wohleheartedly agree that counseling, to help both of you deal with this situation, is necessary. I am GLAD your DH is standing up and striving to connect with his son--if your family balks at this, tell them he is a good man who is doing the right thing.

I do have to say that this statement, in regards to the BM, rubbed me the wrong way:

" Part of me is mad because she didn't stop to think what it might do to BF family he has now."

I am the mother of an 8 yr old daughter whose "father" has only seen her twice, and not since she was about 7 months old. He came in town-at my expense--twice when she was an infant and that was it.

I've only gotten a few child support payments over the years---only those because of wage garnishments. No joke--I got a credit for .64 last June! HA.

Anyway, though her dad is a deadbeat, he does have another daughter whom he does see and support-she is two yrs older than my child.

Let me tell you---if MY daughter wishes to pursue a relationship with her bio-dad down the road, I believe she has EVERY right to do so. And if has some fiancee who "doesn't like it" tough sh**! My child is HIS child, and if someone thinks disrupting his current family is more important..screw that. I'm sorry--I am NOT picking on you here because I understand the emotion behind your feelings. I GET IT. BUT I think you need to keep this in check.

While this affects YOU, that is not something your fiance's son, or mother should worry about. This is between your fiance and his son; it's really not even about the BM at this point, either, given that the son is 17 yrs old.

Get into counseling. I do not fault you for your feelings at all, like I said, I would probably feel similar. But you cannot act on them nor can you expect your fiance to do anything differently.

    Bookmark   July 9, 2010 at 8:31AM
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