Including future step children in wedding ceremony

landofozJuly 15, 2002

What are your views... my so and I are undecided...

Would it be better to elope and then just tell the kids that we got married (ages 7 and 9)? Or have a small intimate wedding... family and close friends only, and have them participate.

I think they should be a part of that day (they would have fun!), my so doesn't think it matters either way.

Is there anything that could negatively affect them in seeing us getting married that I'm not thinking of?

We come from very close-knit families who are a lot of fun... many cousins, aunts and uncles on both side. I can't think of any reason not to include the kids and have a big family party...

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

When my husband and I got married a little over a year ago we did include his 3 year old son in ours. He was our ring bearer and I wrote him a poem to be read during the wedding, it was about how much I loved him, and excepted him in my life. He was really too young to understand it all but he had fun and felt like he was a big part of it all. Our wedding was traditional but small with family and close friends. I would not change it for the world. Our honeymoon was Disney World so he could be included. It was a blast.
Good Luck and Congrats!!

    Bookmark   July 15, 2002 at 9:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My husband and I were married in February 2000. We included all the children in the wedding. His daughter was 16 and was my maid of honor, his son was 19 and was a groomsman. My boys were 12 and 7 and they walked me down the isle. It was a beautiful ceremony with just close family and friends. I love to look at the pictures of my boys walking with me down the isle and everyone who was there thought it was the most wonderful thing they had ever seen. So please include the childen in the ceremony, it will make them feel very special and a true part of this new family. Good Luck

    Bookmark   July 16, 2002 at 8:50AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thank you!! I agree... I think his daughter would love to get all dressed up and every little boy LOVES a party.

I think we are going to go the family wedding route (eventually).

Thanks again!

    Bookmark   July 16, 2002 at 12:46PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I got married in May 2000, and my 2 stepdaughters (then aged 20 and 14) stood next to their dad and his brother (best man). My sister and my 2 nieces were in my wedding party. I asked my future stepdaughters to hand out programs from pretty baskets before the ceremony and they did so. I also asked them if they wanted to do a reading, but they were too shy. They really enjoyed the opportunity to be part of the wedding in their own way.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2002 at 2:23PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well ... so far no negatives... good!! I've heard that sometimes children feel strange "seeing" their dad marry another woman... like reality hits them all of a sudden and they start to resent the new wife/husband.

Anyone have this experience?

    Bookmark   July 18, 2002 at 4:52PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have dealt with both sides of the issue, my kids have been jealous that his kids need me, his kids have been resentfull of me, and they have all expressed happiness at seeing both of us happy. They are 12, 11, 9, and 7. We got married in 99'. We had the kids all help us light the family unity candle, and expressed to them and to those there that this was a marrage of family, not just 2 people and we lit the candle to signify the joining of all of us together.
We are a family, and my boy's deffinatly act just like brothers (is that good or bad??? LOL!).

Here is a link that might be useful: Oregon P4CSE

    Bookmark   July 22, 2002 at 1:41AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I was married in Feb 2000 and we had all the kids in the wedding...his 2 and my this day they say they feel more like a family because of being in the wedding. My step son is a mamas boy and he did find it a bit hard that someone else was married to his dad. We asked him if he remembered being sad because mom and dad would fight. He said yes. We asked him if has seen Daddy so sad since then and he said no...then it clicked with him that Dad is happy and I am happy..and we love all of the kids and they are happy so what is soo wrong?? He said "nothing at all". He was just a little insecure. Needed to hear everything was ok...Good luck on the upcoming wedding!!!

    Bookmark   August 7, 2002 at 7:09PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I whole heartedly agree that the children should be included in the loving union of their parent and the love of his / her life (as long as they didn't set up a precedent of immoral behavior prior by shacking up ... in that case- I would do it quietly as to not bring attention to the lack of morals). The children will feel a part of a beautiful thing - the love of a man and woman united before God and Man, committing their lives to one another in a lifelong bond. Doesn't get any better than that. However to do it after the fact ... pretty much says - ok - we did wrong - but now we're trying to fix it. Not the same effect. Kind of like doing a bondo job on a car after you dented it. Not the same as a beautiful clean car.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2002 at 1:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I don't think we are fooling anybody by going off and getting married "quietly". We aren't lying or hiding anything from the children... and we aren't ashamed of anything either. I see no reason to not celebrate the fact that I will officially be a part of the family! My future MIL was stunned that I would even THINK of not including her grandkids, as well as the WHOLE family (so much for a small wedding... lol!)

Rosie... I see you like to do little "hit and runs" with your morality issues. I'll say it again, like I said it before, everyone has their opinions of what's "right and moral" and "what's smart and realistic"... and I respect that.

I must say, however, that I find the words "shack up" offensive. There are many other ways to describe it, however you choose to make it sound as sleazy and cheap as possible. I may be setting myself for a battle here, but it makes my skin crawl everytime I read those words. I'll also assume you are a religious person... well, try to be a little kinder, Rosie. Don't try to be hurtful and cutting on purpose.

Maybe us "shack ups" aren't perfect, but here is one who is really trying hard to make two kids happy, ask for a little advice from people in the same situation, and not bother anyone too much. I can take constructive critisism, but I don't like people who like to be hurtful on purpose.

I have heard from several people that they don't like to post on this forum because they get "attacked" for one reason or another.

Just try to be nice... ok?

    Bookmark   August 15, 2002 at 1:12AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Its not MY opinion. Its the opinion of society in general.... of EVERY religion, and yes - me specifically. Isn't it convenient to be able to pick and choose which wrongs you want to pretend are right!!! In some states its even illegal!! I didn't invent morality. Don't be surprised if your kids grow up choosing what they want to do by what they can convince themselves is the right thing instead of actually doing the right thing because that is what the adults in their life taught them. I can't steal except when its something I really want. I can drive my dad's car without a license because I have to get somewhere fast. What goes around ... comes around.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2002 at 6:51AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Rosie it is no longer the opinion of society in general in the USA. It just isn't. And a lot of us think that is for the better. A whole lot of us. Times change. There are still people in our society who think apartheid is the way to go. But times have changed.

Living together without being married can be a very bad idea. But getting married can be a bad idea too! Guess that is why so many marriages don't work out.

I am also sick of your little attacks on people who never asked for your opinion on the subject. It is obvious that you had a bad experience with step-families. I had a great experience with my step-families. And my mom was never married to the man I consider my stepdad. But they modeled wonderful couples behavior for me, treating each other, me, and even strangers with love and respect, and putting my brother and I first, giving us security, love and discipline. They are two of the most MORAL people I know, who spend their free time volunteering in the community, feeding the poor, opening their home to abused children. They are far more moral than a lot of the skanky, cheating, divorce-happy, children-come-second married couples I have known, including my friends' parents.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2002 at 12:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"Isn't it convenient to be able to pick and choose which wrongs you want to pretend are right!!! "

That's exactly what you are doing... How about divorce? and I am not pretending it's right. In my mind there is nothing outrageous or wrong about what I am doing... especially since I'm doing it with the support of my family.

And I don't agree that "society in general" shares this opinion, not in this day and age. Who decides what is the "right thing"? Religion? so what if I'm not a "bible thumper" (stings, huh?)... then what's right? Should I follow the example the church is sending me? Sexually abusing little boys... where is your morality there? If you can't look to your CHURCH for guidance, then I guess what you consider good morals may be up for debate. How about the preacher's daughter who was having sex with the two employees of the AZ fire department? (check the news) I'm sure her father tried to do the best he could in her upbringing, being a preacher and all, but you see with kids it can go either way. You just have to hope for the best and do the best you can as parents. (I went to private catholic school for 10 years... and attended church every Sunday... I have nothing against the church personally).

I'm not trying to convince you it's "the right way"... I was just saying you don't have to be so mean about how you speak to others. Religion should have tought you at least that? People on these posts are just asking for help, not to be judged on their morals.

I've read other posts and I've seen your comments to others. It seems whenever you have the opportunity to attack someone on "lack of morals" you don't hesitate... and you know very well that it's hurtful, especially the way you say it... with disgust.

My children will all grow up just fine, thank you, with a brain to make their own decisions and live their lives how they think is best, and I hope within reason. All we do is try and hope they all turn out ok. We are responsible adults and we are raising responsible children. One thing is for sure, they will learn "tolerance", which is something my parents taught me, and you have yet to learn.

Don't want to fight with you... just asking you to be a little kinder. If you have helpful advice for me, I welcome it... if you just want to get online and look for a reason to call me "shack up", then "society" will see just what kind of moral person you are.


    Bookmark   August 15, 2002 at 12:39PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Seems as if Rosie got us off the original question, but if opinions are still welcomed- here's mine!!
When hubby and i got married 2 yrs ago (after we had been "shacking up for 4 yrs before that!!- sorry couldn't resist!!lol)-- anyways- he has 3 daughters and i have 1 daughter. They were all flower girls and walked down the aisle 2 by 2. They then sat in the front pew of the church. (we gave them the option of standing w/ us through the entire ceremony- but they opted to sit where they felt more comfortable). Then during the ceremony the minister called up all the this time i presented his girls with a gift and he gave my daughter a gift. The minister did a very special prayer for the 6 of us becoming a family as well as him and i becoming hubby and wife! It was very nice for all of us! And i think the girls all felt special that they were part of it!
Best of luck! When is the wedding?

    Bookmark   August 18, 2002 at 5:13AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks May69 & Anita... as always, support and helpful advice is always appreciated.

The wedding is going to be Fall of 2003, although he hasn't "officially" asked me yet. I suspect he will ask me on a upcoming trip to NY to see my family (he's all into this "big surprise" engagment thing... he's cute.)

We are breaking ground on our home right after xmas and figure the timing would be perfect... no way am I building a house AND having a wedding at the same time. As we have tons of family coming in from other states (and countries), we need to have the house FIRST so we can accomodate guests. We are also considering a backyard wedding and reception, as it will be a small wedding (we will have over an acre with a spectacular view).

I liked the idea of the gift exchange and special family prayer... but I wonder if it would be the right thing to do considering the children don't spend much time with us (they are with us only 10 days a month during school and 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off during summer vacation) and BM is very much active in their lives. I don't want them to think that in some way I am trying to become their "mom" and forming a "new family" where their real mom isn't included. Would it confuse them you think? I definetly want them to be there, and take a part in the ceremony, but I don't know to what extent. Really don't want to make them feel uncomfortable.

Any other thoughts?

    Bookmark   August 18, 2002 at 1:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

i first want to address Rosie and her playing God and judging people "shaking Up" let me just tell you i have more morals than most the people i know from church.. when i married the first time i didnt know him i knew what he showed me. 3 months in to the marriage i was beat on cheated on. where were those people from the church you might ask. i know i did. he was a decon and very good looking so the ladies loved his charm .. he was so special one of gods specail men.. boy at the times i heard that. So if my only sin is to be JUDGED BY GOD for living with this wonderful faithful man i am with now to make sure i really know him before i marry again. then i will take my chances. Which is one gift God gave us all.. the will of choice. so if you cant responsed to these posts without judging maybe you need to find your Bible and prayer closet and look at your on sins because only God judges us.
my question is .. we have 4 sons between us i would like to include them in the wedding ring exchange .. any ideas without judgement of how i am living would be awsome . thanks in advance

    Bookmark   January 27, 2008 at 1:34PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Congratulations Faith!!

When my DH & I got married a year and half ago, we included our kids in the ceremony... my daughter was maiden of honor, his daughter was flower girl. My sons were ushers.

After our ceremony, we had the children come up and formed a circle. They held hands while we made a vow to our new step children to love them as we love our own and to be a family. It was very touching & special. Then, we gave them each a token of our love, the girls got a heart shaped locket and the boys got a silver rope chain.

I think it's important to include the children in the ceremony and let them know that it's not just you and your SO, but that you are becoming a family and they are a part of that. It can be easy for children to feel like they are losing their parent, rather than gaining a step parent when all the fuss is made about the wedding. Kids shouldn't feel left out.

Good luck.....

and we also took a short three day honeymoon together just after the wedding but also took the kids on a family cruise a few weeks later.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2008 at 6:47PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

When DH and I told my son (then 3) that we planned to get married, he was so excited and said "I want to marry J__ too!" So we ended up getting him a small gold ring and had him repeat special vows as part of the ceremony. In addition to our 'regular' vows, we all pledged to love and respect each other and to become a family together. He spoke out loud and clear as a bell and it was absolutely beautiful.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2008 at 10:40PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
husband has new found 21 year old daughter
I am having a lot of trouble coping. Please dont beat...
Choosing Cats over Friends
Sorry, I'm posting this here because I don't know where...
My SO suggested that I share a bed with his 11 year-old son!
For the last 3 years, I've been in a relationship with...
if I could tell stepmothers of adult children anything
My dad remarried last year, a year after my mother...
Mellow with time
After 16 years, the strong emotions have subsided. His...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™