Worried about SS at BM's

lovehadleyJuly 19, 2009

DH signed SS up for a weeklong day camp starting tomorrow. BM had been insisting she wasn't going to send him but yesterday afternoon she called and said SS wants to do it, and she is going to send him....but....she needs DH's help w/driving to and from b/c she and HER DH are sharing one car.

I guess her DH's truck and his other car are both broken down and they have been sharing BM's car. (makes sense to us now b/c the last few weeks, SF has been the one to pick SS up from our house, in BM's car, or else BM has arrived driving her mom's car.)

Anyway, DH grudgingly said he would help if need be. He's not thrilled b/c BM lives 25 miles from us....but he's not about to let SS miss camp. To be fair to BM, she did say that she would probably only need help w/driving once or twice b/c her DH and her mom could help, as well.

BUT--I have to add in the fact---they JUST got a new puppy on Friday, a very expensive purebred that cost $600, according to SS. WHY he even needed to know that is beyond me. SIGH. We know they sold one of their other dogs about a month ago and SS had been talking about how they were going to replace it with a litttle fluffy dog. When BM and her mom picked him up on Friday, they had a pic of the dog, and were going to get it, and SS called DH later to tell him they got it.

So this morning BM calls and leaves DH a message saying SS's tennis shoes must be at our house and can he drop them off at camp in the morning and can he call her back b/c she has a problem.

He calls her back and she tells him she has NO FOOD in the house, and nothing to pack for SS's lunch. She was crying and everything, saying things are really bad.

UGH. I mean, not to kick someone when they are down but geez.....how can you not have food in the house for your kids and have two broken-down cars but still have money to buy purebred dogs??? DH confronted her on that---granted, it may not be any of his business how much they spend on a dog, BUT when it's to the point where SS needs food and transportation b/c BM is broke, then it kind of DOES become DH's concern. BM gave him some song and dance about how they were expecting a bigger paycheck for her DH than he got, yada yada...and they had already put a deposit down on the dog and would have lost the deposit if they hadn't paid the rest of the money. WHATEVER. So now SS and his baby sister, and his older stepsister (if she's there) supposedly have nothing to eat.

DH said he would pack a lunch and bring it w/the shoes in the morning. But now he is all concerned about what SS is eating over there. :(

Part of me thinks he should stick $20 in the lunchbag, as well, just b/c SS needs to EAT and he will be w/BM until Wed. Scary to think things are THAT bad that they have no food! But I also find it hard to believe, if so, that BM couldn't call her mom and say I need some money, or I need some food.

It's just one more thing to worry about w/SS now.

Not to mention the fact that BM was out last night. DH hadn't gotten his goodnight call from SS so finally at 9:30 pm he called and BM answered her cell and said she was at a friend's bridal shower, and SS was home w/his stepfather. DH said it sounded really loud, like bar-restaurant type place, in the background. I'm sure if BM was out like that she was drinking. (and really, who has a bridal shower at 9 pm??? more like bachelorette party!)

So who knows WHAT is going on over there. Nothing good, I'm sure.

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Some people's financial priorities will never cease to amaze me...
I was going to suggest that just because BM said it was a $600 puppy didn't necessarily mean she paid $600 for the pup. But it sounds like she did -- Good Grief!

    Bookmark   July 19, 2009 at 4:28PM
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paid $600 for a puppy.

no food in the house, need groceries.

One of these things must be...not accurate.

& once you know that someone lies, you cannot believe or disbelieve anything that comes outta his/her mouth!

I'd stick the $20 in his backpack & tell him it's his secret stash "just in case" he needs some little something.

(but I'd probably send along some puppy chow, just in case.)

    Bookmark   July 19, 2009 at 5:58PM
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it is either she is lying or kid is confused about how much dog costs. also maybe there is nothing to pack because she didn't cook or didn't shop. i do not believe they have nothing to eat. she and her DH eat something right? as about bridal showers those are always during the day. it was a night out or a party.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 8:05AM
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I would document this somehow, send BM an email detailing what is happening, and stating you are sending $ in SS backpack and make it a CHECK not cash and write on it what it is for. (ie.note this is for FOOD/groceries) It is TOTALLY unacceptable that she has no food in her home for SS and her other two children. My ex's sister was like this, they would drink and do drugs and have NO FOOD for their two sons, who were like 7 and 2 years old. I was only 18 and in school as ex's sister was older than us, she was like 28 or something at the time. Ex always wanted to give her money and I was like "no, she will buy more booze or drugs, we will go to the grocery store and stock the cupboards, then at LEAST you know the kids are eating!! ". BUT please document this somehow and be careful because if you fall into this trap once with people like this, they will do it again. It's the oldest trick in the book for users like this...If I could count the groceries we bought for my ex SIL, I could probably feed half our city for a year!! UGH! THe only good thing is that if you ever feel the need to take on full custody, you are getting lots of proof of why it needs to be done. Sorry to sound so blunt, but you brought up a lot of scary/unpleasant memories...my ex's SIL and BIL used to measure out drugs on a special scale in their kitchen...they used to steal money out of her handicapped Mom's bank account and purse every chance they got, they were the lowest scum on the planet!! They had to reach up to touch the worms...ick...I'm so sorry that you and your DH have to go thru this, it was bad enough to see my two nephews go thru it, but if it were my own child, I think I would go over there and open a can of "woop ass" on someone!! lol

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 10:43AM
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Sad to say, I actually know some people who would go through with the purchase of a $600 puppy to avoid losing a $100 deposit... They are simply unable to make the rational leap that it is better to 'lose' that $100 than to spend another $500. Even if it meant no groceries for a few days. Not surprisingly, their lives are a total mess!

When BM said there was "nothing to eat", she may have meant it the way women do when they say they have "nothing to wear". It's unlikely to be literally true, though SS probably didn't have anything that appealed to him. For that reason -- but just in case -- I'd send his favorite healthy snack type foods instead of cash or a check. And make a note of the incident -- But I wouldn't necessarily bring it up in court because unless it was literally true (that there was no food for SS) and that it could somehow be proved (you know BM will deny it) -- then it could end up sounding like the bogus CPS allegations against you.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 10:57AM
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Sweeby, what about if LoveHadley's Dh sends BM an email saying "I am enclosing a check for food since you have none in SS's backpack" but don't enclose the check ..yet...

Then BM will email him or text him back saying "where is my check for food since I have none?" Then there is the proof and LoveHadley's DH could then send along a small check for food if he feels it is necessary?

I know it is kind of sneaky, but at least then they have a chance of getting it in writing from BM if there is food or not in the house?....and they are not playing into her hands of getting on the "grocery store providing line!!"...something else to think about though, how could she afford drinks at the "bridal shower" if she had no money for food...ugh...yuk..and blech!!

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 11:09AM
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Fortunately, DH didn't have to do either.

When he called to say goodnight to SS last night, SS was at his grandma's house. He told DH that 'grandma packed him a lunch and made them dinner.' According to DH, when he and BM were together, every time they went to BM's mom's for dinner, she'd send them home with a bag or two of groceries. BM's family is Italian and they are very *food oriented* and the grandma is always baking this or that, cooking this pasta or that. Often when SS comes to our house, he will bring half a pie with him, or some banana bread, etc and always says it's from grandma's house.

so I am sure grandma made sure BM had food to take home last night.

I think they are broker than broke, though. DH had to meet BM at camp this AM to drop off SS's shoes, and they both ended up waiting around b/c SS was very nervous. DH told me that BM told him they are 2 months behind in rent and she can't drive her car anymore b/c her plates are expired and they can't afford to renew them. I don't know if this was a hint for money? I actually kind of doubt it. I really think BM is so lonely and alone that she just HAS to talk to somebody. She has ALWAYS been like this. She blabs personal stuff to DH (and used to to me) all the time and then is flabbergasted later when he confronts her on it or when it's used against her in court. It is very strange.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 11:16AM
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"Not to mention the fact that BM was out last night. DH hadn't gotten his goodnight call from SS so finally at 9:30 pm he called and BM answered her cell and said she was at a friend's bridal shower, and SS was home w/his stepfather. DH said it sounded really loud, like bar-restaurant type place, in the background. I'm sure if BM was out like that she was drinking. (and really, who has a bridal shower at 9 pm??? more like bachelorette party!)"

Hmmm, already violating the no drinking while SS is in her care? Why am I not surprised!?

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 11:59AM
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Your ss is very lucky that GM did it and takes care of that aspect. I would be worried too if my skids didn't eat. Sure we come on this board to complain but in the end, if a child NEEDS to eat, its a need , not a want. I remember when i was very young before my mother died, she would feed two kids. i remember them being dressed in very torn clothes and they weren't very clean either. But they sat with us quiet a few times for lunch and suppers..until the family moved away. i remember seeing my mother veyr worried about them.
Can you imagine.....they would come to our doors and ask for a glass of milk! It breaks my heart to hear that their parents would rather drink and do drugs than feed these two kids!!
Yes, i sadly know a few families who are warped when it comes to prioritizing their financial needs / wants.
600$ for a dog! Sell the dog and get the money for groceries!

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 1:21PM
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