I'm done.... (just venting a lil)

imamommyJuly 5, 2011

Hope everyone had a happy 4th of July. I tried. I give up!

SD was to be with DH for the three day weekend. Then BM sends a text to DH last week to see if she can pick her up Sunday or Tuesday (well, not her... she sends her elderly mother). The pick up is SUPPOSED to be Monday at 5pm. BM told DH that she had a party to go to at 2pm on Monday. I was hosting a party at 4 pm at our house (with dinner served at 5:30). Initially, DH said that he wanted to stick to the scheduled time of 5pm Monday. So, I had to open my big mouth & tole him that's not really fair to SD because she will miss her mom's party & leave just as mine is beginning. I suggested he talk to SD to see what SHE wanted to do. At least that way, she makes the decision & shouldn't be able to get mad at anyone & can go to whatever party SHE wants to. Simple, right?

Um, SD decides she wants grandma to pick her up at the original time of Monday at 5pm. I shrug & say whatever. She probably doesn't want to choose one over the other... or doesn't know what she wants. So, that was HER decision.

All day Monday, I was busy cooking & setting up for the party. DH was running to the store with SD & around 3:30 they come back. SD has Subway & DH says it's her lunch. I mention that the party will start in an hour or so... there's lots of food but he wanted to feed her then & there because she was hungry. He told me she wasn't eating at the party. Ok, fine. I'm busy, people start arriving & food is put out. SD jumps at the front of the line to get a plate of food. I asked her "didn't you just eat lunch a little while ago?" She doesn't say a word to me. She throws down her plate, stomps over to where DH's parents are sitting & hangs her head down. Of course grandma looks over at me & I told her that DH just fed her lunch from Subway and it's up to him if she can eat again because he told me she wasn't eating. I never told SD she absolutely can't eat. But, SD didn't go ask DH, she just sat there with her grandparents. About 15 minutes later, BM's mother gets there to pick her up. She smiles, jumps up & says her goodbyes to everyone... goes to grandma's car.

I was sitting with my dad a couple of tables away from DH's parents. There is already other tensions because I gave DH's unemployed brother a job & he didn't want to do the job the way he was told (by my daughter who is the delivery supervisor) and he walked off the job two weeks ago in the middle of a delivery... and I got a call from the customer complaining about his behavior. So MIL is not happy about all that. Anyway, I'm eating & talking to my dad when I notice BM's mother standing by the food tables with MIL. DH came to sit by me & I ask him if there's a problem... he hadn't noticed BM's mother come over. I looked around & SD was still in the car. So, DH goes over to find out if there's a problem & BM's mom tells DH that SD is hungry so she is going to let her make a plate. DH says she ate Subway earlier but that's fine if she's still hungry. Meanwhile, I had gotten up to get a drink & chase after DGS. When I came back, SD was sitting there with DH. She had been crying, her eyes all red & she wouldn't look at me. She ate & I took DGS to play in the bounce house. A while later, SD leaves with her grandma. Later, my dad tells me that while I was getting the drink, MIL came over with SD to ask DH if it's okay for SD to sit with him? (as if someone has told her she can't... MIL was going to make sure SD got to sit with her daddy) I wasn't there but my dad was irate at the way MIL asked DH... and it takes a lot to make my dad irate. My dad was dumbfounded by SD's crying. She was all smiles when she went to the car but when she came to sit at the table, she was balling. (by the time I got there, she had stopped crying but her eyes were red/puffy)

About a half hour later, MIL announced she's going home in a huffy tone. FIL looked startled but followed. They came over & gave me a cordial/obligatory hug but she was clearly upset with me. DH says she's upset about how BIL was let go & that they are unhappy that DH never goes to do anything with them... it's always at our house when I have a party. DH was a little confused about what his mother was talking about. I asked him if they've invited us to do anything or come over that I don't know about because as far as I know, they never host anything or invite us over. I am not obligated to employ BIL because he needs a job & may lose his house. I went against my better judgment in hiring him & he walked off the job. I feel no guilt for it not working out. and as for SD, I've decided I want NOTHING to do with her. I felt bad that she would miss out & neither her mom or dad was going to let her decide what SHE wanted. I thought of her feelings & tried to do what I felt was right. BIG MISTAKE apparently. and as for DH spending time with his family... I may just start dropping him off at their house every weekend so they can go do "family things" with their 42 year old son... and I'll send SD as a bonus.

Then, I go on facebook & see that BIL wrote smartass comments about my DD and SIL adding more smartass comments about my business. I ended up blocking everyone on DH's side of the family from my facebook & just waiting for the backlash... I mean, why would you want me as a friend on facebook if you are gonna talk crap that is only intended to start a fight? I'm ignoring the comments... he wrote about something that happened over a month ago so apparently he is still upset & telling his mommy on me.

Oh yeah, the party BM had to attend at 2pm was a lie. SD told DH there is no party. BM posted on FB that she was going camping.

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Of course it is your fault BIL does not want to work and then quits, and it is your fault SD eats at 3:30 and is hungry at 5, and it is your fault BM lied about a party, and it is your fault MIL never hosts anything yet is upset that you are hosting parties. Crazy! BM, BM's mother, SD and MIL manage to ruin every event!

    Bookmark   July 5, 2011 at 4:48PM
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I used to host about one party a month... always someone's birthday or a holiday & I like to have my family get together. I've always included DH's parents because they never do anything with their other son or host anything and they treated me nice in the beginning. It used to be MIL would sit by me & dig for info on the BM/SD saga... she loves the drama so much she would take a day off work to go with DH to court. But, when SD got nowhere running to BM to get me in trouble, she started going to MIL... and the tide changed to MIL being snarky with me. She backed off last fall when SD needed to do tutorials in school for failing 3 classes during Thanksgiving break & I told DH to have his mom help her get them done because she is so interested/concerned with how SD is doing all the time. MIL announced at Christmas (at our house) that SD learned her lesson & is going to do good in school now.. get all her work done because SHE/MIL talked to her & set her straight. Well, thank you MIL! SD had all D's & F's the day MIL said that... and she would have finished the year with all F's if she hadn't been switched to a slow paced class for underachievers. Even then, SD still got one or two F's that she had to remediate the last month of school. MIL is a Mrs. Kravitz busy body... and she hasn't worked in two years so she has nothing better to do than to get her nose in everyone's business. It was bad when she was working but now that she has nothing else to do, it's escalated. I stopped inviting her to events over a year ago but she finds out when SD tells her we are having a party or DH might mention in passing that we are busy getting things ready for a party & she assumes the invitation & shows up. I now host about two parties a year & host Thanksgiving & Christmas. Mainly, I cut back to avoid being around her but I miss having my family over.

What steams me up is that she was already upset over the situation with her son. I was just waiting for her to say something to my face about it because that's how she is... but there is no excuse for walking off a job.. on the busiest weekend so far this year. He left on the first delivery & I ended up working until 9pm that night to help finish all the other deliveries. DH had to come help after he got off work from his day job. She has NO IDEA the predicament and stress it caused me to be left high & dry. So, if she was already upset with me... why drive to my house to attend a party that I'm hosting? She lives 40-45 minutes away. She could stay home & say she has other obligations... she obviously wasn't going to be friendly with me yet she wasn't going to confront or say anything to me... so why go?

and yes, she ruins every event one way or another.. even if SD isn't there... she comes & wants to talk about everything to do with SD... criticizes my housekeeping (and the only time she sees my house is when I've been cooking & it isn't it's neatest. But, my parties are always outside but SD would find a reason she had to take grandma into my house to show her something & MIL had a comment on my house. (MIL is a neat freak... beyond a normal neat freak. It's why she doesn't host parties... people might walk on her floor.) DH is also a neat freak so it's never horrible & it's always irritated me that SD drags her into our house when the party is somewhere else.)

I had always heard of MIL from hell but thought I got lucky that my in laws like me & we got along. and DH wants to avoid the conflict... which makes me want to hand him back over to his mommy. UGH!!

    Bookmark   July 5, 2011 at 6:10PM
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SD just feeds off the "mean IMA" nonsense! And she has her supporters who love to hear how mean IMA are (your MIL, her BM, and her gma). What a mess! Since those 3 are not going to stop giving her attention for her "mean IMA" dramas and feeding into them I don't think it will ever stop!

I'd be furious. Your dh needs to put his big boy pants on and tell his manipulative daughter he is onto her games and if she has an issue she needs to talk to you about it instead of crying to everyone else for attention.

My dh has done the same crap with ss over the years. I tell ss something and then he cries to daddy and gets his way. He even stuck his tongue out at me one time when he got his way and I had it. I turned to DH and told him about it and told him this is what giving into ss does. I told ss that he was being a brat and that from now on he can go to daddy for everything.....and when daddy is at work I guess he can twiddle his thumbs and wait for him to get home! I know it was a bit much...but I was just done.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2011 at 10:36AM
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Oh my incognito.... I think I'd have slapped that kid right then and there. That or my dh for allowing it. The week before my ss went to his moms we had an issue. (He ALWAYS does this right before going to his moms) He was fighting with my son about something... don't remember what. I yelled at them both. SS continued to argue... I told them they were done with whatever it was they were fighting about. SS said that was stupid. I yelled at him that if he ever called me stupid again he'd be grounded for a week. Right then he said "well it's stupid".... I immediately yelled for my dh and ran up the stairs, turned off his TV, took his IPOD and told him to enjoy being grounded because no one calls me stupid. My dh then came up and took over. I'm NOT going to be controlled by ANY child in my home.

Ima.... I agree, your dh needs to stand up to these people. Geeesh!!

    Bookmark   July 6, 2011 at 10:43AM
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My husband was as shocked as my dad & I. SD had hugged him, said goodbye & left to get in the car with grandma... he was sitting down with me, eating when I happened to notice the grandma's huddled & looking at our direction. We thought they had left so I asked DH what was going on... he went over to find out & was told by grandma that SD was hungry so SHE (BM's mom) was going to let her make a plate & let her eat. DH should have stood up to her then but instead, told her that SD had eaten earlier but nobody told her she couldn't eat.

What is ridiculous to me is that if SD gets in the car & says "grandma, Ima won't let me eat & I'm hungry" (which isn't true but probably close to what was said)... then why wouldn't grandma say, "don't worry, we can stop on the way & get something." instead of causing a scene & making a big deal or just making a point that SHE was going to show me. All that was accomplished was that SD now knows how to get both grandma's in on her action at the same time. DH did call her out on some of it but I think he was not fully aware of what was really going on. We had a long talk last night...

My dad mentioned an analogy to compare it to a situation he might be able to relate to. Every week, DH goes to pick up SD. Sometimes she hasn't eaten so they have to stop & get dinner. Imagine how well it would go over if he showed up at BM's house & SD gets in the car & says she hasn't eaten dinner... so DH gets out of the car & tells BM she needs to feed her before they can go... yeah right!!!

I also informed DH that what his mother did was no better & probably worse than if BM had said or done something. The funny thing is that BM isn't even involved enough to be there or care. This is all between the grandma's, they didn't even go to DH first. I wonder what they would have done if I hadn't noticed them at all and if he hadn't gone over to find out. I'm still infuriated about it... every time I think of these moron grandma's. MIL, who does nothing but talk crap about BM & BM's mother... how she thinks it's so awful how BM won't come get SD, how the other grandma made SD wear a mask on a 3 hour drive so she (grandma) wouldn't get SD's sick germs, after all the crap they've put DH through in fighting him in court, trying to lower the child support, etc... How MIL could huddle with her as if they are team grandma against the wicked SM??? WTF! And I also pointed out to DH how it was interesting that a couple of weeks ago, Grandma wouldn't let SD come in & eat Father's Day dinner with DH... she hadn't eaten then either so I assume she took her to a drive thru on the way home.. and SD was upset she couldn't eat with DH on Father's Day. Geez, MIL was there then too. She even went outside to talk to BM's mother then too. But, isn't it funny how now BM's mother can stand there for 30-45 minutes so SD can eat the food I cooked & they had to make sure if SD could sit with her daddy.

I know I just need to let it all go & make myself scarce when SD is around... and MIL is NOT invited to anymore parties, in fact she will be told not to come. I don't hate SD, I feel sorry for her but I can no longer have anything to do with that situation.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2011 at 1:46PM
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I wonder how much SD's Gma (BM's mother) gets pulled into all this and stuck in the middle without a clue to what actually is going on. This SD plays these people like a fine fiddle and SD uses all of them (the Gmas) like pawns in clever moves.

Maybe not, but I can almost picture this one going down as SD running to the car with 'plans' set on her mind. Jumps in and begins with:

'Gosh, I'm starving, Ima did not feed me all day as she was getting food ready for that party. Are we going to stop at the drive-thru and get me dinner?'

'No dear, I thought you were eating at the party'

'Ima said no, that I was leaving before dinner, then she sat all the food out there and it looks so good. StepGma and StepGpa are there too and they all are getting ready to eat but when I got in line and started filling a plate, Ima said no'.

And then the Gmas appear side by side comparing notes which of course are fed to them by SD.

'Oh, yes. SD tried to fill a plate and Ima told her no, she's not eating here'.

Of course it's all so easy to believe and to fall in line with the child's game because afterall, Ima took kid's shoes and treated BIL so badly. (anyone ready to gag yet!!)

Kid even played her Dad. It's mid afternoon, kid is being picked up for a long drive right as dinner is about to be served , kid is whining she's starving and Dad pulls in and fills kid up to tide her over until she gets to BM's hours from then...considerate of Dad. Oh, but when the filled up brat gets back to Ima's there's great smelling food being carried out and she now wants both. Subway and party food. And better yet, her two favorite pawn pieces aka the Gmas are present.

If I were Dad I'd of marched right over, confronted kid that an hour ago she was starving and he fed her, that she knew then party food was home but just had to have Subway. That he is disappointed in kid's attempt to play the poor me pity party and use her grandmothers in this manner. I'd then fill the brat a tupperware of food to take with her so she can heat it up hours from now when normal people would actually be hungry again and told the Gmas to mind their own business as he is father here and he knows what transpired and that it was kid's own decision to be picked up at the time she was. I would demand she apologize to him and to Ima for this sham of display and to her Gmas for using/abusing them. I'd then lecture the brat every step of the way back to the car not forgetting to mention to her that this is the last and final party/get-together that she will ruin and play drama queen.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2011 at 8:53AM
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"Imagine how well it would go over if he showed up at BM's house & SD gets in the car & says she hasn't eaten dinner... so DH gets out of the car & tells BM she needs to feed her before they can go... yeah right!!! "

LOL, there's a lead balloon.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2011 at 4:58PM
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Maybe DH should tell BM next time he picks SD up that she must eat dinner right before he picks her up even if she just ate big lunch.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2011 at 10:53AM
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SD spent last weekend here. When her grandma came to get her, I sent a bag of snacks back with her... sandwiches, chips, candy bars, crackers & a pop. (I hope she ate them in the car)

OMG! She also sent DH a text message asking for the shoes... she wrote "since the shoes you sent her over here in were full of holes, I had to send her in the new shoes I bought her & I'd like you to return them so she can use them here as I intended to begin with."

So, she never intended to get SD shoes to wear to school as she told us before? When all that happened, she said she bought the shoes because we don't ever send SD to school in proper clothes... so she had to buy those shoes & she mentioned those damn pants.

It's no wonder SD can't tell the truth... BM can't tell the truth because apparently, Grandma can't tell the truth.. her story keeps changing too.

DH says Grandma is trying the "try to be nice" approach to get what she wants with her text. I think I may need to explain to DH that it's not trying to be nice when she throws in the insult that we are not providing adequate clothes for a child her daughter refuses to support... she's gonna criticize the shoes we sent her in? And he thinks she's trying to be nice? Well, I guess for her, that may be as nice as she gets!

    Bookmark   July 13, 2011 at 1:27PM
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Why is grandma interfering? She is not a parent. My mom would not even keep track of what clothes she bought for DD and what DD wears, let alone ask my ex to return anything. Ridiculous.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2011 at 3:45PM
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--"Why is grandma interfering? She is not a parent"--

Well, if you put it that way, then why is this particular Gma having to buy shoes and clothing for her GD at all. No, I would imagine normal circumstances most Gmas don't 'keep track' but this is the Gma who does the buying regular and all but raises one of BM's kids and has to do the running back and forth for this GD.

I would not call it 'Gma interfering' when it is BM who requires her mother to do the running. And I can understand why this Gma asked the shoes to be returned...she bought them, she does the running of pick-up and she just 'lost' a pair a while back that did not return. (and no, I don't think those shoes should have been returned)

At least Gma seemed to have made a recovery in her approach about asking. Last time it was a free-for-all via the phone line. Is Gma being 'nice' as DH suggest? I doubt it, likely more just covering her butt as BM got whopped in court for being nasty and running her mouth. Wait til the 6 months are up, LOL.

With all that said, PO1, you're asking why Gma is interfering and attempting to parent here while she is not the parent. I'm sure Ima has asked herself many times why BM is not the one parenting. In fact that's part of the last free for all with Ima stating something about being time BM did parent. Afraid you're asking the wrong set of parent/stepparents the 'why' here. You'll have to ask BM's mother why she is the one trying to do some supplying and parenting here instead of BM.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2011 at 4:47PM
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That was rhetoric question, justmetoo.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2011 at 6:18PM
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