Giving Too Much?

DawnSmithJuly 11, 2013

Hi. My finance is in treatment for alcoholism. He did this all on his own & I am very proud of him. For the past 2.5 mths, I have taken his 5 yr son every Saturday afternoon for the night and we go see "Joe" for a couple hours on Sunday. It is an hour drive each way to visit. I end up having his son for a full 24 hr period each week. (I have 2 children of my own, a bit older.)
I don't have my children this weekend and asked my finance if we would have a solo visit just this once. He hesitated and said he didn't want to go 2 weeks w/o seeing his son.
I understand that part; however, his son is not respectful to me, he has NO boundries from either Dad or mom. I would really like to have the time to myself on Saturday to catch up on all I have put on the back burner. I don't want to deal with the son quite frankly and the 2 hr visit of him needing constant attention.

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I think you are doing a very kind and selfless thing for your fiance and his son by providing and arranging their visitation arrangements. However, this is something YOU chose to do, and it is also something that YOU can choose not to do. You have no contract with your fiance binding you to do anything. My advice is- Do what you feel good doing! Yes, your fiance will be disapointed that he will have missed a visitation with his son... and rightfully so, but he will live! Just because you volunteered to do something out of the kindness of your heart doesn't mean that you are obligated to do it every time in the future. Have his child draw him some pictures or write him a note for you to bring to him, and go visit your fiance! It sounds like you have sacrificed alot in order to be supportive of your fiance. Just make sure you are paying attention to what YOU need through this process too! Much luck!

    Bookmark   July 11, 2013 at 3:24PM
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I understand Joe doesn't want to go two weeks without seeing his son, but frankly that is not your problem. It's not your responsibility to transport the child to see his dad. That's something the BM should be doing.

And the boy needs to stay home with his mom if dad can not exercise his visitation with his son because he's out of town in treatment, there is no reason for you to be keeping the child on the weekend.

Think of it this way - what would Joe do if you weren't in the picture?

    Bookmark   July 11, 2013 at 3:26PM
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Thank you both! It has become an "expectation" & maybe that is part of my frustration. I will be honest with "Joe" and go from there.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2013 at 3:40PM
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The expectation part would be annoying to me too. But I have to admit I respect your fiance for wanting to see his son, so many men are dead beat dads these days. Good luck to both of you!

    Bookmark   July 19, 2013 at 7:22AM
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Maybe your fiancee doensn't realize the amount of stress you feel keeping the boy for 24 hours.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2013 at 3:11PM
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My advice would be to discuss your feelings with him and see if ya'll can't agree on a compromise about which each of you can be comfortable.

Make it a regular schedule, like taking his son to see him every other week OR three weeks in a row with the fourth week being a time for just you kids. That way you and your fiance have time for adult conversation, as well. Working through business stuff, finance, bills, plans, his treatment progress and just conversing as a loving couple without interruption from the children.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2013 at 11:35PM
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