Etiquette Question

darfawndaJuly 2, 2010

My fiance and I haven't yet started making wedding plans, but he has mentioned that he would want to invite his DD's BM even though he and BM do not get along. He has said he thinks it is important for DD that both parents have the option to be involved during such an important event and he would expect an invitation from BM to her wedding (although I don't see why she would invite him).

First off, it is HIGHLY unlikely that BM would consider attending for even a second since she has a hard time agreeing to attend any event at our home we have invited her to when they are fully centered around DD. Second, even though my future SD certainly will have a role in the wedding ceremony, I see the event being for me and her father, so why would we invite BM? Also, we both agree that we want a very small wedding (like 20 guests small), so that would make it impossible to avoid BM if she did show.

I haven't worried too much about it since it's likely to be a year or so before any wedding ceremony, but I'm curious if the rest of you think this is a normal thing for Dad to want to do and if I should just let it go and cross my fingers she doesn't come, or should I try to talk him out of it since her attendance would be extremely awkward for everyone except maybe DD?

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"I'm curious if the rest of you think this is a normal thing for Dad to want to do and if I should just let it go and cross my fingers she doesn't come, or should I try to talk him out of it"

1. no
2. no
3. yes

A wedding is not for anyone but you and DH. If it's an issue, elope, then have a party that BM can be invited to. Stand your ground now. This is not a DD event. This is a you and DH event with choice people who are significant to the two of you. Not who is significant to DD.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2010 at 3:27PM
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I am going to be facing the same situation within the next year or so. My fiance wants to invite her ex to our wedding for her son's sake and because they used to have a really good friendship even after they broke up (before her and I got together). I don't really have a problem with this, my only concern is that if he chooses to come (and bring his new gf who hates her family) that tensions will be high between everyone and that something might happen that could ruin the celebration. As for me I think I might just pick and choose my battles and say it's ok. I don't really expect them to come even if they do get an invite anyway

    Bookmark   July 2, 2010 at 3:38PM
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In most situations, no it not usual to invite the ex. And you are reasonable to not want his ex at your wedding.

Here's our situation:

We had a small wedding, but then a big party on a different day. SS (9 at the time) asked us to invite his mom. We invited her and her BF to the party. They didn't attend but gave us a lovely card and gift.

BM and the BF got engaged, and just married a few weeks ago. They had a medium-sized wedding. SS, now 11, asked them to invite us. They invited us to the ceremony and dance but not the dinner. We got SS ready and brought him to the ceremony, stayed for the ceremony, dropped off our gift, and left. Staying for the ceremony was at SS's request; if he had not specifically asked us to, we would not have.

We all get along very well (most of the time), but felt that we didn't really "belong" at each other's weddings. It was important to SS that we attend his mom's wedding, so we found a way to meet SS's request while still keeping weddings as about the new couple, not the ex.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2010 at 4:19PM
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My DH and I got married two years ago and most certainly did not invite his ex, SS's mother.

Likewise, she got married about six months after we did and did not invite us, although we were actually fairly friendly at the time.

I think it would be only the most unusual situations where one would invite one's ex to a wedding.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2010 at 6:23PM
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Is it normal?
Certainly not typical. I can sort of understand where he's coming from, but I think he's very mistaken in his perceptions of how his Ex will feel. Unless relations are very friendly, the wedding is large, and the Ex needs to bring the children, I can't imagine how an Ex would expect to be invited.

Would I be happy about it?
No. But I would trust him to deal with is Ex, and would just request that he word the invitation in such a way as to give her the option of a graceful refusal if she thinks an invitation is as wacky as you (and I) do. There are ways of issuing invitations that could make it clear that the invitation was issued out of courtesy and grace only, and that the recipient isn't really expected to attend. Something along the lines of "We certainly wouldn't want to insult you, so you're welcome to attend if you'd like to be there, and we'll mail you an invitation. It'll be a very small wedding - only 20 people or so - but DD might be more comfortable if you were there."

Would I try to talk him out of it?
I'd try to talk him into reconsidering, and if he wants to invite her, into modifying his wording.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2010 at 7:42PM
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When we were planning our wedding, we thought that BM was behaving fairly civilly (we found out later that she was lying through her teeth about many, many things), and DH invited her. SS8 was the ring-bearer and our wedding was very casual; DH explained and told her that she was welcome to come for a bit if she wanted to see him (SS) all dressed up. We didn't think she'd come to the ceremony itself because that would probably be uncomfortable, but thought that she might stop by the reception briefly to see SS. She did not. And if we knew then what we know now there is a better chance of Obama and Palin having a torrid love affair than her ever being invited to anything we are having again.

There's a big difference though - I was fine with it. This is yours and your FDH's wedding, not his daughter's. Yes, both her parents should be able to attend a wedding together - HERS. Your wedding is about the two of you, not DD nor her BM.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2010 at 8:09PM
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To answer your question, no it is not appropriate, especially if they don't along. It doesn't matter what's important for DD, t is not DD's wedding. And no it is not important for exspouses to attend each other weddings.

I get along with ex very well, we were always very friendly, but saying, attending each other wedding is unnecessary, and rather silly. If it would be one of the kids wedding, it would be a different story. I don't see my DD asking me to attend her dad's wedding, it is not her wedding. Exspouse would go there to look at kids dressed up. What for?

mattie, Obama and Palin having love affair?? hahahaha New tabloid news haha

    Bookmark   July 2, 2010 at 11:40PM
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Thank you so much for all of the different perspectives!

As far as I know, future SD has never mentioned/requested any involvement of BM at the wedding, so hopefully that would mean no having to explain why BM would not be included in the event.

Also, the more I think about how awkward time is around BM, I realize SD would probably be unable to to really celebrate with us for fear that BM would be hurt or upset.

When BF first told FSD that we were engaged she said "does that mean she's going to be my mom?" He explained to her that she already has a mom, but I can just imagine how much BM would FLIP if she heard that or got any sort of inclination that her DD cares about me in a mom sort of way (FSD doesn't even say goodbye/give hugs/etc to me when BM picks her up, or talk about me on the phone to BM because BM is so emotionally sensitive about me being around).

Yeah, I think if this comes up again when we get serious about planning I'm just going to have to put my foot down.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2010 at 2:37AM
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especially if mom is insecure about dad getting married and SD is unsure what is her role in all this, it is inappropriate for BM to attend the wedding...hope your DH changes his mind...

    Bookmark   July 3, 2010 at 11:41PM
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