BM at our house!

lovehadleyJuly 30, 2009

I am so MAD! And even madder at my DH who just seems to enable and justify and make excuse after excuse....

DH went to work this AM early, like 7 or 8 AM. SS is with me today.

I went out on to the porch about 10 AM and the front porch jsut reeked of this vanilla perfume that BM wears. I recognized the smell INSTANTLY from that night she came to our house. I KNEW she had been there.

SURE ENOUGH, I look and on top of our mailbox, which is on the house, mounted next to the door, is a little Beanie Baby hamster. On the tag it says "I love you SS. Mom."


I am going to lose my mind!

So I call DH and tell him and he says "well, I think that BM probably had her husband bring it to the door."

He said she had sent him a text message saying she was going to drop something off for SS---she says she is having to drive her DH around b/c he got arrested last week for a failure to pay a speeding ticket. (he got pulled over for expired plates, and there was a warrant fr his arrest.) Anyway, now he can't drive b/c his license is suspended until his court date...


Whatever---I don't care about any of that. I care about THIS WOMAN on MY porch, completely violating a restraining order. The smell of her perfume is ALL OVER. DH tells me to "smell the hamster" and I do and it is saturated in the scent. DH says BM always sprays SS's stuffed animals w/that scent to remind him of her. CREEPY. He says that is why the porch smells like her---and the driveway, too.

He says there is "no way" BM would have gotten out of the car, that she must have been driving her DH and had him do it.

I don't buy it. Not for an instant. I just KNOW, in my heart of hearts, that she did it. I KNOW she parked in our driveway, came up our walk, up our steps, and onto our porch---I KNOW THIS.

I told DH I am calling the police and he is saying, no, no, don't do that.


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she's toying with you and I would have the police call & warn her if not make a full report. She NEEDS to know that she's crossing lines... Your husband needs to be supportive and back you or keep his son with him at all times and have BM or her husband drop their 'gifts' off with him and to stay away from your house. There HAS to be boundaries and if DH is not willing to draw them, you need to protect yourself.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 12:37PM
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I tried to say this to DH, he thinks I am overreacting.

I talked to the police yesterday about the card and they said, really, given the fact that it is a clear violation, with her name signed, and her acknowledging that she is not to contact me, they said the only thing I can do is file a report and she will be arrested. They said it wouldn't be a big deal the first time---she'd get a court date, and most likely a slap on the wrist, like a fine or probation.

But the bottom line is--they cannot/will not issue a warning. I either need to report it or not.

I also agree, Ima, that she is messing with me. My DH thinks no, that I am overreacting.

I just don't GET IT. There is no reason, no reason whatsoever, for her to be dropping off anything at our house for SS. I mean, for real, he is only with us for a 2 night stretch this week---he goes home to her tomorrow at noon and will be with her for 5 days.


I am so mad! I feel really violated and upset. It's like one little message after another that she doesn't give a sh*t about this order and is gonna do what she wants to do. DH says I am being paranoid, and that there is just no way BM is the one who got out of the car and dropped it off. He said she was driving her DH and OF COURSE her DH was the one to get out and drop the toy off.

I don't buy it. Not at all.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 12:42PM
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UGH. The more I think about it, the more angry I get. We have a porch swing and sometimes the kids ride their scooters on the porch, or are swinging, etc. I sit out there often, too. DD's bedroom window looks right out onto the porch and driveway---what if they had been outside or had seen through the window?

I cannot tell you what a ruckus that would have caused had SS seen his mom's car or his mom at our house. He would have wanted to go out and see her, he would have been upset if I'd said no...ETC.

so many bad possibilities that could have happened from that, it's not even funny.

And now this stupid little gift? So what do we say? "oh, here buddy, your mom dropped this off for you."

"But I thought my mom was not allowed to come to our house? Now she can?"



    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 12:48PM
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all right lovehadley. this is getting annoying.

1. judge said that she is not to drink in SS's presence. You both know according to SS that she continues drinking in his presence, yet you (not you per se but I mean DH nd you)do nothing.

2. she sends you a letter violating restrictions yet you do nothing.

3. she comes to your house violating restrictions and yet you sill do nothing.

if you guys are waiting for another tragedy to happen, then good luck.

why do you care what your DH says in these circumstances. she was not supposed to come to your house or contact you yet she did and you are not filing a report. why? if your DH is concerned that his X gets in trouble then it makes me he married to you or her?

next time something happens she is going to tell that she has been corrssponding with you and dropping by the house and you never said anything. are you waiting to be punched on the face again?

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 1:00PM
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"next time something happens she is going to tell that she has been corrssponding with you and dropping by the house and you never said anything"

I know! This thought keeps crossing my mind over and over. I am glad you said this because it worries that one little thing after another will negate my order.

UGH. I could call the police but the problem is---BM will just deny, deny, deny and say she didn't drop it off, she could say her DH did, or whatever. I don't know how you prove that kind of thing, especially because I didn't actually see her do it.

The card---now THAT is concrete proof.

WWYD? FD, I know your vote, go to police. And everything you said is COMPLETELY valid. I agree with everything. I wish I had the balls to stand up for myself.

Everyone else? A quick WWYD answer?

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 1:05PM
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report it or pack up and go stay somewhere else until your husband gets his head outta... well, until your husband is ready to be supportive of his WIFE, not his EX~ who is clearly violating a protective order and somewhat terrorizing his wife.

And I'd slap him on the side of the head as I'm walking out the door!

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 1:11PM
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Love, after spending the most horid week in proximity to my SO's ex and her BF, I know I would go straight to police if i would be in your shoes. It doesn't matter who dropped what, you have a toy wiht her name on it hung on your mailbox and you have letter from her. Maybe I have misplaced anger because i am furious at BM and her BF in my life but i also have a tendency being too nice. it gets me nowhere. if you can't prove it, then you can't. But i would go to the police and talk to them what they think and how much proof you need, I would file a report in a heart beat. enough being too nice.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 1:20PM
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Well, I take back any previous thought that she may have been sincere about the apology, even for the minute she took to write it.

Go to the police and file a report, about BOTH the apology letter and this.

BM will just deny, deny, deny and say she didn't drop it off, she could say her DH did, or whatever.

So what if she does? She is prohibited from contacting you, even through a third party, correct? If she told her DH to call you and tell you, in words, "you know, there's nothing you could do about it if BM decided to show up on your front porch right now", that would be a violation, wouldn't it? This is the same thing, imo. Plus, even if the police say they can't prove anything about the toy, they'll still arrest her over the letter.

Your DH is just wrong.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 2:00PM
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BM is testing the waters to see just how far she can push things. Just like a kid...give her an inch and she'll take a mile.

Your dh needs to decide who he cares more about...your or his ex. His ex is clearly controlling the situation and he is enabling her to do so. She attacked you for goodness sakes and put his son in harms way. Is he waiting for her to bring a gun? Or will he excuse that as well?

File the report for both incidents (even if they can't prove the second one).

If your dh gets mad at you about it tell him that he can take a flying leap. You will defend yourself and stick up for yourself even if he lacks the kahunas to help! And tell him that each time she violates the order you WILL report it. If he does not like it then he can warn her you mean business!

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 2:49PM
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Your dh is being a big wimp!He is letting her get away with things and making excuses for them. You do not need his permission to file a police report against his ex. And if he gets mad at you then too bad-he should be mad at his ex. Show him you won't tolerate his ex's behavior and just maybe he will stop allowing it as well!

She made her bed. Let her lie in it. Report her before she does something worse than a letter and stuffed animal. People like her always do worse. Just a matter of time.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 3:33PM
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Hadley, you didnt give SS the stuffed animal, did you? Put it in a plastic Zip Lock bag, the smell will remain, if you need this for more court evidence with VORO..This is her way of actually getting INSIDE your house I think, in her mind. The using your fragrance is a way of bonding with babies in the crib(I did this with my infant)but this is twisted, for sure..I would probably leave too..DH protecting Ex has gone on WAY too long...Good luck

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 5:23PM
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I am sooooooooooo with Ima on this one! If I was in your shoes, I would pack up a suitcase for me and my kiddo and stop by the police station to report both incidents to the police on the way to staying a few days with my parent(s).

Love - this is serious! This is a criminal matter. It's bad enough you still have to be involved daily with someone who assaulted you, but now you're just supposed to let her do it again? No way! I know you don't want to cause a rift in your marriage, but your DH is setting YOU, not him or SS, for another episode like the one in April.

I agree with mom2emall that she is pushing her boundaries. I agree with Dotz that this is her twisted way of getting into your home.

You said "UGH. I could call the police but the problem is---BM will just deny, deny, deny and say she didn't drop it off, she could say her DH did, or whatever. I don't know how you prove that kind of thing, especially because I didn't actually see her do it."

In this case, the burden of proof is on HER to prove she didn't do it. Not you to prove she did. You already have a protective order and the bear. That's enough evidence she did something. Now she will have to prove her husband did it in order for her not to get in trouble.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 6:00PM
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This issue goes deeper than these two instances. If a message isn't sent to BM that once a 'rule' is set it is expected to be followed, how can you expect her to following a parenting plan or anything else? If DH continues to set rules and stand by watching BM break them he has NO RIGHT to complain when she doesn't follow the parenting plan or expects him to bend the rule 'this once'. He is creating a lot of this drama himself, and I'm sorry to say Love, I'm wondering if he likes it?

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 6:10PM
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How much are you paying that lawyer? have him write something to her basically a warning... whether or not your DH agrees with you on this one.... she is weaseling her way back in and you know it but your DH is blind to it ...

You are in a no win same as me .... my hubby wants me to drop the identity theft charges .... I still say no .... she has been great this last year hasn't started any trouble has not spoken to me directly in over a year. Going to trial in 2 weeks ... let the judge decide if she was wrong ... even if it gets thrown out in 2 weeks she had to shell out money for a lawyer while the DA is prosecuting for me.

Take matters into your own hands they (DH's) do not want any conflict at all with the ex's they will agree to everything just so they don't have to listen to "them" complain but its ok for us to be victimized afterall they are "their children's mother's" and should be hailed as saints.

Eventually you will come home and find that woman having coffee at your kitchen table!!!!

continued on SMO

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 7:49PM
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You're crazy if you don't report it or file a complaint or whatever it is you are supposed to do when she violates the protection order. You're crazy to keep allowing hubby to push around.

UGH. I could call the police but the problem is---BM will just deny, deny, deny and say she didn't drop it off, she could say her DH did, or whatever. I don't know how you prove that kind of thing, especially because I didn't actually see her do it.

This is the thing: You cannot think when you're angry. Don't allow her to anger you any more because you likely miss valuable opportunities that a level head will present. Had you been thinking, you could have gotten a neighbor to come over and smell the scent. That way you'd have had a witness of the woman's obvious presence since you say it was so strong. If it's still there, then go and ask a neighbor now, and ask them to smell the toy so they can see it is the same scent. She cannot deny it then except to say her husband approached the house and placed it on your mailbox, and oh, while he was there he sprayed her perfume all over your porch, which is ludicrous, but it's also antagonizing and total proof that she is harassing you. She'd actually be telling on herself. Even in front of your house, driving to your house is too close according to a protection order. Again, she'd be telling on herself. Other than that, the only thing she could say would be that you know her cologne and sprayed the porch yourself and the toy, which is also ludicrous. No judge would believe it or appreciate her suggesting you have lost your mind to go so far. LOL

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 8:30PM
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This is ridiculous.

You know what she's doing here, right?
When two young brothers are pestering one another, one starts poking/hitting/pinching the other.
Mom hears the yelp and comes in to see what happened. "Don't pinch your brother," she instructs.
"I didn't. I just touched him."
"Well, then don't touch your brother," and she leaves the room.
And the offender keeps almost touching his brother and saying "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you. You can't complain the mom because I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you. You can't do anything about it because I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you."

That's exactly what BM's doing.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 8:30PM
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I agree with the others, BM is pushing the boundaries like a little kid. However this is not the big surprise, it's your DH's response that is. I agree with FD when she says "Is he married to you or to her?"

I don't know how you do it, I would not be able to stay if DH did not back me up. And it doesn't sound like he's going to do it anytime soon either.

So yes drop in at the police station on the way to your friends' place and hand in the bear (in the sealed bag). This needs to stop and you've been patient long enough, DH needs reality check.
Good luck!

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 9:16PM
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I did it!

I talked to one of my good friends and my mom and they both said it was insanity to not report it.

So I just told DH I wanted to do it and was going to. I was adamant enough that he shrugged and said do you what you need to do.

SO--I went to the police station when he got home from work today. The officer was really nice. He said basically what would happen is he would call BM and explain that she needed to come turn herself in and be booked/charged. Then she'd bail out and he said the case would be turned over to the county prosecutor. He said most likely given the fact that the violation was not threatening, they would do what they call "file it under advisement." That just means they'd watch the case and if a 2nd or 3rd violation happened, then she would be facing some jail time.

OR he said he could just call her and issue her a strong warning to stop messing with me.

(I'm kind of annoyed b/c I sort of wanted to do that on Monday, but the dispatch lady I talked to said that wasn't an option.)

Well, it is. I chose that option because, really, I don't want things to get nasty again. I want to give it a chance this way for the police to strongly warn BM to stop, that this stuff is serious.

The officer took her info. and told me he'd call me when he spoke with BM.

He called me back around 9 pm tonight and said he'd talked to her. He asked her about the card and she claimed she "gave it to my DH who agreed to give it to me." BS. She gave it to SS under the guise of it being from GRANDMA. So she lied to the cop, no surprise there. He said she told him that she is just trying to "be a better person." He told me her told her that it doesn't matter what she's trying to do, she is breaking the law by contacting me and if it happens again, she WILL be arrested. He said she told him it won't happen again.

He was SUPER nice and said to call him with any other issues and that the door is always open for me to file a full complaint, now or if she does something again.

Well, at 9:15 my DH gets an angry voicemail from BM saying she is not going to get SS tomorrow. So who knows what that means--she's supposed to start her custody at noon tomorrow. I can't imagine she'd bail on that....but we'll see. DH let me listen to the voicemail and she was REALLY pissy sounding. I'm sure she's going to try some crazy stunt!

I just feel so mcuh better having validated things with the police and knowing that the police are open to helping me in any way they can. If she does ANYTHING again, I for sure will file the full complaint and have her arrested.

As for me and DH...he's not thrilled about it, but I am glad I did what I KNOW is right! This is MY order, my body, my daughter and myself in general---at the end of the day, I have to protect myself, even if he's not in agreement. I feel good having done that.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 11:00PM
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Good for you!!
You need to be standing up for yourself with this. DH obviously isn't going to do it.

I'm proud of you.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 11:09PM
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Bravo for you!

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 11:40PM
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Good for you, Love! That had to be a hard decision and I'm glad you did the right thing for YOU.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 1:29AM
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good job!!!! you did what you had to do. and you are right it is your life and your daughter and you should take care of it. I don't think your DH worries about his X, i just think he knows she will do things that are harmful to SS (like saying bad things about you and DH etc), and he is trying to avoid confrontations. that's what men do.

i am so glad SO's kids are grown and I only have to deal with his X at big events, I absolutelly would not be able to deal with his X if kids were minors. I don't know how you guys do it (those who have crazy BMs).

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 7:46AM
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I wouldn't be surprised if she takes it out on SS... and that is so sad!

Back when DH had talked to BM about SD having an injury.. I'd have to look in my journal to remember what it was about.. but the afternoon SD went to BM's, DH got a nasty voice mail from BM. SD had been there about an hour when DH gets the message. BM yelling at him "DD JUST fell off her bike and she cut her leg and there's blood everywhere so if she's got cuts or scrapes all over her body.. that's how it happened!" I was shocked when I heard it because there wasn't an ounce of concern for SD in her voice, it was pure anger at DH. Supposedly, her DD is there bleeding and she takes that moment to call him and tell him that, instead of tending to SD. BTW, it left a nasty scar on her leg because she never dressed it or put anything on it. So, it would not surprise me if her anger/hate toward you or your DH will overshadow her love for her child. If she can punish you or DH by making you keep SS on her time because you're not planning on it so it screws with your schedule... That only reinforces that you did the right thing. And all she's doing now is providing evidence that will help in a custody case if it ever goes back to court.. and it will. I hope you have a journal and file box.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 9:41AM
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Ima, nothing would surprise me anymore with BM.

I don't really think she would forgo her custody time because at the end of the day, she loves her son to the point that it's alsmost sick---like, she cannot breathe without him. The times he is with her are generally quiet for US because DH doesn't hear much from BM, if anything at all. It's the times he's with US that she goes haywire and gets on a rampage about causing problems. I think she cannot STAND the idea of SS having "another" family with us, and perhaps the idea that--gasp---he might LOVE us and actually enjoys being with us. That doesn't mean he doesn't love her, but to her, she views it as some sort of competition/betrayal on his part.

Now--what I do think she will do is pull some BS today and show up at 4 pm instead of noon or whatever.Fine by me. It's not my problem today. I am taking both kiddos to a park at 10 AM this morning to meet a good friend of mine and her two little boys. Planning on being home around 11:45 AM and I just told DH "SS is your responsibility today, you either need to be home to be there at noon when BM comes, OR you need to have him with you if she doesn't show." I'm not getting involved in this tug of war dealie. I was planning on taking DD to the pool this afternoon---and ordinarily it would be great if SS came along. BUT thoday, if BM doesn't show to pick him up, and I took him swimming, BM could *theoretically* show up with the police to get him. Who knows what she'd say---probably some bogus story about us not releasing custody to her or not being home, etc.

Not getting involved in that! I told DH he's welcome to take the day off work to come to the pool with us! I am just not dealing with the potential fall out by myself!

and really, the more I think about it....

Policeman: "BM, you cannot contact Love in any manner. This is your last warning."

BM: "Ok."

Five minutes later.

Ring ring.

DH's voicemail picks up.

BM: "You had the police contact me so therefore I'm not gonna get my son tomorroow." (thinks to herself HAHAHA, that'll serve them!)

Really, what sort of sense does THAT make? You make me angry so I am going to punish YOU by not getting my CHILD?

It is sheer and utter craziness.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 10:04AM
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next time file the report without warnings, maybe that will teach her. and document everything. and I would give a call to a lawyer to share that she continues drinking in SS's presence. I suspect she wrote that letter and drop that toy intoxicated. typical drunk behavior.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 11:37AM
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Oooh! Ooooh! Ooooh! I know! Put one of those nanny-cam things out so you can have video of her doing it! Plus, you can also see if she really is coming onto your property when she picks up/drops off SS. I'd be willing to bet your DH lets her come up farther than she's supposed to.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 12:57PM
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I'm glad that you contacted the police too. It seems that neither your DH nor his Ex take the restraining order seriously. I hope your phone call to the police lets both of them know that you mean business. Sorry your DH wimped out on you.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2009 at 8:18PM
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Good for you Love, for going to the police. That was exactly the right thing to do to show BM that YOU still take the restraining order seriously, even if she thinks she can wiggle around it. If it happens again, she needs to go to jail -- not apologize.

Is there anyone you know who could get through to your husband about how his repeated failure to act decisively regarding his Ex is undermining your respect for him? That it's making him look unmanly rather than 'reasonable'? (This would be better coming from someone other than yourself.)

    Bookmark   August 3, 2009 at 10:21AM
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Love, just read this post & I think you did the right thing! Good for you standing up for yourself!

    Bookmark   August 3, 2009 at 11:58PM
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