Half sister/cousin question

adayinmylife75July 15, 2010

This is a little weird...but without a ton of details. There is a chance that my first cousin is really my half sister. I had found out several years ago that my mother had an affair, and I didn't know who. I have recently found out that there has been a longstanding affair with an uncle (dad's brother) urgh and yuck. However, when I was told about the affair by my mother years ago, she said how old my sis was and 9 months later me. Now this has bothered me for about 13 years now and my cousin and I want to get DNA testing to find out. My question...how do we go about telling the rest of the family if the results are what we think they are? Do we tell them? Does everyone already know except the kids? I am at a loss, at this point we are gonna have the test because we need to know.

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Hold on, I'm confused. If she is your mother's daughter, you already know she is your half-sis, right? So you want to find out if she is also you're uncle's daughter?

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 12:16PM
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No sorry. She is my cousin. On my fathers side (her dad is my uncle). We have different mom's and possilby the same dad.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 12:43PM
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So you're wanting to find out if your 'uncle' is really your dad?

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 1:51PM
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This really doesn't make sense to me...If your mother had the affair with your Dad's brother as in first post, how would you all have different moms as stated in second post?
If it was your mom that had the affair then you suspect she had the baby and then gave it to your uncle to raise? Sorry maybe its just me but im confused!

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 2:15PM
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One would assume: Aday Mom + Aday Dad = Aday

But there was an affair: Aday Mom + Aday Dad's Brother = ? (possibly Aday?)

Aday Dad's Brother + Aday Dad's Brother's Wife = Cousin/sister

Mom cheated on Dad with Dad's brother. Therefore Aday could be the daughter of Uncle + Mom and her "cousin" (Uncle + Aunt's daughter) could be her 1/2 sister.

Is that right Aday?

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 2:38PM
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Because my uncle was also married and had 2 children, with another woman and they would be my cousins. Yes I am looking to find out if my uncle is actually my father.

So my mom/dad are married have 3 kids; uncle/aunt married have 2 kids. mom sleeping with bro=in-law....so see the dilemia? urgh

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 2:40PM
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How did you find out about your Mom's affair with your Uncle? Does your Dad know about it? I guess you should maybe get the results first and then worry about how to spill the beans.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 3:19PM
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If the results confirm that your "uncle" is really your bio-father, I don't know that I'd bother telling anyone else except maybe your siblings at this time, and I don't know if you'd really even want tot tell them. The older relatives probably all already had their suspicions anyway, except for a few that it might hurt so much you wouldn't want to tell them anyway.

After all, does it really matter? I mean, I understand why you want to know who your biological father is, but that is not going to change who your real father is/was.

I've got to wonder why on earth your mother would tell you that she'd had an affair and that your Dad might not be your bio-Dad - I can only understand that if you needed medical history information.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 3:30PM
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I'm confused too. First she says " There is a chance that my first cousin is really my half sister", but then she says "However, when I was told about the affair by my mother years ago, she said how old my sis was and 9 months later me."

and how can her cousin be her half sister unless her cousins mother had an affair with her father?

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 3:46PM
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oops! I started writing my post & got busy at work so when I came back & posted it, a lot had been explained in the meantime. sorry.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 3:58PM
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The only 100% sure way to know if your mother's husband (a.k.a. your Dad) is your biological father would be to get a DNA test comparing your DNA directly to his. (After all, it's possible that your cousin/half-sis's biological father isn't who you'all think it is either...)

Then of course, comes the question -- why find out?
And who would you tell?
And why tell?

For medical reasons, your dad and his brother (so either dad) have pretty much the same genes, so for most purposes, the same family medical history. Unless there's a rare genetic something in your family tree, the medical history angle is kinda weak...

For 'just wondering' reasons -- Well, consider the impact. Really consider it. I can see how finding out your Mom had an affair with hir BIL would shake up your world. So if you know that to be true, knowing that it was Sperm X instead of Sperm Y that produced you is not really relevant to the fact of the affair. But finding out that your Dad is not your biological father would be a really big deal. Do you really want to know that? Because once you find out, there's no 'undo' possible, and it could change the way you feel about everyone.

And if your motives for telling are to shake up the rest of the family -- well, why? How many people would that hurt? And to what positive gain? Just getting the truth out doesn't really seem to hold up when so much pain is really the only predictable result...

Of course there are other possibilities too. If your mother's husband finds out he's not really your dad, he may feel differently about paying for your car, your college, your wedding... He may be so angry and hurt he divorces your mother or cuts off his brother. Or he may simply be mad at you for kicking up a hornets' nest...

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 4:28PM
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lol yes that is right. So, we can do a sibling DNA test and find out if we are: half sisters, first cousins or not related (in case my mom has been running around even more than we thought) whew.
So, we are doing the test. But I am conflicted with what I will do with the information. In a perfect world, everything would come out that we are 1st cousins, and life would stay like it is. However, in the event that my "dad" is actully my "uncle" and vice versa, or my dad is not my dad at all, I don't know what I would do. Little more info; they have been confronted about the affair and my mom admitted it, but my uncle still denys it, even though they were caught. And the cards/letters that were found date back several years.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 4:31PM
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I think the only possible way for you to "reveal" is on Jerry Springer.

I think you should keep the info between the relevant parties.
If the man who raised you is your father, then you tell:
If it is discovered that Uncle is really your father, then you CONSIDER telling:
Father/random man who raised you as his own child
Cousin/sister's mother

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 6:06PM
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the one who raised you is your real father, i wouldn't bother with tests. who cares.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 6:10PM
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--"she said how old my sis was and 9 months later me."--

So if your sister is a rough exact 9 months older than you, I would think pretty hard before opening up the can of worms you plan on. Seriously, even if mom sleep around alot during her marriage, I would be hesistant to be too quick to think she sleep around right after giving birth and being a brand new mom to a newly brought home infant. She would not exactly be 'affair' material at the time.

So, except for curiousity sake, why are you wanting to do this? Has your 'father' not raised and loved n supported you all these many years? Are you hoping to gain something from doing this?

I suppose nobody can stop you if both your cousin and yourself are determined to do this, but I would hope you would spend much time considering all sides to the situation and really ask yourselves if this is in the best interest of anyone or if it is merely to solve your curiosity.

Is it going to change anything once you have a DNA answer? Are you doing it in an attempt to 'hurt and expose' anyone? Do you have a good relationship with your parents the way things are now?

If you're seriously about this, I think you should at least discuss it with your mother. This is not exactly the type of 'news' you spring on your family at Thanksgiving dinner.

I think you really have to question your motives behind the whole thing, you could upset your life greatly.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2010 at 7:14PM
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"So, we can do a sibling DNA test and find out if we are: half sisters, first cousins or not related (in case my mom has been running around even more than we thought) whew. So, we are doing the test. But I am conflicted with what I will do with the information. "

Are you certain that a DNA test can differentiate between 'the same father' and fathers who are brothers? After all, father who are brothers would likely have a strong similarity of DNA, and anything less than a 99.99% confidence level would still be 'uncertain' and thus, worthless.

And while your conflicted feelings about what to do with the results are certainly understandable, the decision to go ahead with the test anyway and sort through the fallout later sounds (sorry to say) really immature -- like the kind of action a 16-year old girl would rashy take as an emotional reaction to an upsetting discovery, but that a 30-year old grown woman would decide NOT to do.

When the best possible outcome is that nothing would change -- why provoke a change?

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 10:09AM
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Well, rest assured, I am not 16 years old, and am very well aware of the fallout that could ensue. I am in my late 30"s and have a teenager myself. This is something that has been going on a very long time. And frankly I am sick of thinking about it. I want the test, along with my younger cousin. I am pretty sure that what I decide to do will be the best decision. Maybe I will do nothing and just keep it inside and ponder it forever, like I have been doing for the last several years. Maybe I will confront my mother finally for all the torment she has caused our family. She is not/has not been a mother figure and I rarely even talk to her. My dad is the one that has suffered thru the years and I know this would upset him, but in some strange way, I think he already knows. It is a sad sad situation, and our family is very small.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 10:26AM
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Since your dad is around and would be upset to find out that you were not biologically his, but you really want to know (and I can understand why that would weigh on your mind), have you considered getting the results and then, if your Dad is not in fact the bio-father, not saying anything to anyone at this time? I can sympathize with wanting to confront your mother and/or your uncle/possible bio-father, but is it fair to your real Dad to have this all come out?

At some point in the hopefully distant future your Dad won't be around, and at that time you might want to make it "public" knowledge within your family. There are plenty of families where skeletons come out of the closet once the involved parties are no longer around to be hurt/upset/disappointed/humiliated by that information.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 11:22AM
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if your father is a good father then why would you want to hurt him? if he already knows then what's the point, if he does not know why cause him pain? to punish your mother for not being a good mother and for sleeping around? but she is not the one who will suffer from your "revelations".

your dad might be upset that you even consider DNA test, what's your real motive here? what are you trying to accomplish? what difference does it make to you? why do you care? and if you do care, is your curiosity worth the pain you'll cause other people?

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 12:55PM
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Sometimes I think the most important talent is the talent for keeping my mouth tightly closed;

If you have this info, & it turns out that your father is your father, well enough, & maybe you can put his mind at ease.

but if your 'uncle' is your sperm donor, can you commit to *never* pop off & say "well, you ain't my daddy so there" or, to your mom, "well you s####ed around with another man & didn't even have enough sense to not get preg & *then* didn't have enough sense not to say anything to the resulting offspring"?

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 1:00PM
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I think some of these postings are a bit hard on aday. She is under no obligation to keep secrets for other people. It doesn't sound like she asked for the knowledge that her uncle may be her father, or that her mother had an affair while she had an infant at home- and certainly she had no control over anything her mother, father, or uncle did.

Just because one of us might not get a DNA test, or might not tell anyone if we did, does not mean that it is incumbent upon aday in any way, shape or form to keep her mouth shut. The whole "you can't tell your father that your mother was sleeping with Dad's uncle or he'll be upset" sounds way too much like "Don't tell Mommy that Daddy was drinking again or she'll leave and I'll never get to see you again" or "Don't tell Daddy that the neighbor was over in the bedroom or he'll get mad and start hitting me" or "Don't tell your parents that you and I play our secret games or they'll be angry at Grandpa."

Granted, aday is an adult now and not a child. But perhaps she is sick and tired of being told that it is her responsibility to keep other people's bad behavior a secret and cover up for them. It's not.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 1:37PM
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Mattie- that is kinda how I am feeling, sorta. It is just like, I didn't ask for the hand I got dealt. I live far away from my family, for a reason and frankly tired of having to deal with this issue. I am to the point in my life that I am tired of keeping secrets. I have also considered waiting until they are all passed, but haven't decided anything. I honestly don;t know if I could ever say anything at all, if it were the case.

I just wanted to get opinions of people that don't know me or my family. And I appreciate everyones input, and will definately keep in all in consideration. My cousin is tormented with what she saw and found (her mom is since passed away) that dates the entire time her parents were married and after all the talks we had comparing info that all of us "kids" have found out over the years we all feel that we kinda deserve the truth. It sounds bad, when I read all the comments I feel bad, and I know that this will hurt people, and I don't know if I can say anything or not, but I do believe that our family has the right to know. My dad has been treated like crap for so many years and kept saying he was leaving and never left. Now they sleep in seperate bedrooms and only see each other 1 day a week. I guess it works for them, I don't understand it. When I call to talk to my dad, she gets mad, but when I call and talk with her all I get is hatefulness. So I am done calling. I will still go home for the holidays until my grandparents are passed on, after that I don't know what will happen.

Sorry for the big vent...I am just really frustrated and get sick of trying to keep my family happy. (I am the one that gets in the middle of all the fighting at every get together, because I only go home 1 time a year and I don't wanna hear it)

Anyway, thanks for all the input!! Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend...I will check back next week and see if there is anything else posted!!

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 2:38PM
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I guess I don't understand why OP can not confront her mother about ill behavior and possible 'not my daddy'. If mother has admitted to affair/s and OP has found letters confirming affairs...why can't OP first go to her mom and ask for the truth (or suspected truth) about bio father? Why a DNA test prior to talking to mom (especially a test that could affect many others)?

--"Maybe I will confront my mother finally for all the torment she has caused our family. She is not/has not been a mother figure and I rarely even talk to her."--

So if the goal here is to confront mom, just confront mom to begin with. Is mom still married to dad? Is Uncle still married to cousin's mother?

Are you wanting to prove to your dad that your mom is a tramp? If so, what will be gained from it? Is this an attempt to free dad from his wife?

I guess I'm still waiting to hear what you want or hope from all this. If to prove to dad mom is a tramp, can't you just show him the cards/letters and see what result that brings? He might surprise you if 'yeah, I know'. He might also even want to know if he is indeed your bio father after seeing proof of affairs.

Why can't you confront mom and speak to dad pre-testing?

I agree you do have a right to know who your bio father is if it really makes a difference and the unknowing is truly the issue here and would somehow bring you a peace of mind you seem to be lacking... I'm just not reading here that is actually the case for all this...I just am not sure running off for DNA test to stack the confrontation is necessarily the first steps to be taken. Op has known this possible scenrio for years, why the push to know and confront now?

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 3:06PM
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I guess my reasoning for the DNA test is for mine and my cousins own personal knowledge. My mother has been confronted, ans she admitted it, but my uncle denied it. And I am not going down that road again with them, because frankly I find it disgusting and disturbing and it makes me sick to my stomach. I will more than likely never tell anyone other than my husband the results (and cousin of course), but cannot keep "wondering" forever.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 3:33PM
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If it's for your own personal peace of mind and you have no intention to use this information for gain or spite, then go for it.
Just make sure you are being honest with yourself about your reasons and what you would do with the results.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 10:17PM
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even after you explained your motives, i still see no need for you to do DNA testing, unless for medical/health reason you must know he isn't biofather.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 11:23PM
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My brother looks suspiciously like my mom's high school sweetheart... the man she eventually cheated on my dad with when I was in middle school. There has been some speculation here & there that he may have fathered my brother. But, my dad raised him, HE is our father... not in a million years would I want a DNA test to prove or disprove our relationship. It does not matter who's DNA he has. (maybe it would if he had a disease that required us to know for sure)

I don't quite understand what good would come of it? Maybe if you thought you were the biological child of a wealthy man & stood to inherit an estate? Maybe if you were raised without a father & this was your chance to finally have a father? Or if you had a disease or some other medical need? But, I honestly cannot understand how knowing will put your mind to rest? Sure, it may prove your uncle a liar... you already know he is, if your mom admitted the affair & he denies it. Why would a woman say it if it were not true... and have her family think less of her? Doesn't make any sense.

You're gonna do what you want, but hopefully you will consider the consequences of knowing.. and you can't count on nobody ever finding out. Secrets shared with a spouse during the marriage, may become weapons & swords in a divorce. and not everyone can keep a secret. Also, know could (further) affect how you feel about your mom, your dad and your uncle. It may also affect how you feel about yourself.

    Bookmark   July 17, 2010 at 2:42AM
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Why does your cousin need to know? Her parents are not in question, are they?

    Bookmark   July 17, 2010 at 8:15PM
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I'm totally 100% confused here.

Is this your sister or your cousin here?

Everyone is saying "oh, it's not likely your mom cheated when she had an infant at home" but from what I understand, your mom did NOT.

YOU are your mother's first child, correct? Your cousin is the one who came nine months before you, the product of your aunt and uncle.

YOU are questioning if your uncle is your father.


As far as DNA tests go, I can totally understand and would also want to know. But ditto Ceph. Make sure you are doing it for the RIGHT reasons. I also see no need to hurt your "real father" (the man who raised you) with the knowledge if he turns out to not be your bio-dad.


    Bookmark   July 18, 2010 at 10:29AM
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no. i have 2 sisters. one is older and was an infant (7 months) when my mom had an affair, 9 months later, I came along. i also have 2 cousins that are way younger than me that my unlce had with his wife.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2010 at 4:41PM
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I think I understand why you want to know if this uncle is really your biological father. Your cousin probably wants to know who her biological parents are too (although I'm also confused as to why she's confused.)

The biggest issue is the fall out that will surely happen. I know I would not be able to stay mum about that if I found out that another man, especially one as close as an uncle, your dad's brother if I have it straight, was my real biological father. Info like that will blow the lid off of many things, not just this one paternity matter.

I think this is definitely a Be Careful What You Wish For situation. You may find out that your uncle is indeed your father and who knows where it will go from there? Your dad will fall out with his brother and probably all the nieces and nephews. If you think this will bring you closer to your 1st cousins I think you should think again. The stink will be all over the entire family including your kids and your cousins kids. Be careful.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2010 at 11:23AM
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I am so glad you posted...Its nice to know I am not alone in this situation. I recently found out that my Uncle was my Biological Father too (my dad's brother). I have to say, If you can get the test to settle it in your mind. You may also find every one else knows already in the family. I know It was a well kept secret from only me, every one else seemed to know (almost 50 years) cousins 20 years younger knew my biological father was my uncle. I do know I will be no one's dirty little secret or the family skeleton. I have nothing to be ashamed of, I did not ask to be put in this situation. I have one half sister, I did not know I had, as well as two half sisters I grew up thinking were my whole sisters, that now I relize are my half sister/cousins. Just know you are not alone and I'ts not your shame to carry.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2010 at 10:05PM
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I'm curious, bar7, does knowing the girls you formerly thought were your "whole" sisters are only "half" sisters change the way you feel about them? If not, what difference has knowing made? If everyone else knew the situation then really you weren't a "dirty little secret" or a "family skeleton".
Aday, I'm afraid I don't really get the "need to know". What difference will it make? Will you like your cousin/half sister more, or less? You could in fact simply assume the worst and go on, stop thinking about the issue and making yourself miserable. Love your Dad, ignore your Mom if that's what you want to do. I know I have a half brother (at least, maybe more) out there somewhere but do I care? No. In nearly 50 years I've never set eyes on him and I'm not looking for some faked relationship based on DNA. I also know I'm the result of an affair. Do I care? No. I don't believe in the "sins of the fathers" stuff. Each person is who they are, not what their parents did.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2010 at 4:18AM
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It won't make a difference. Without giving out too many personal identifiable facts, it will make my life make sense. It will finally put to rest the uneasy and uncomfortable feelings and tensions that have been around my family for as long as I know. Will it do damage? Who knows. I am not even sure that I will tell anyone. Maybe they all already know. After a comment my older sister made the other day, I do wonder if she knows. I am just tired of this hanging there. I don't know if I believe int he "sins of the fathers" stuff you are referring to, but I do believe had I had this knowledge growing up, it would have made things way different for me. I would not have felt like the outcast, the one that nobody wanted around, the oops, the one that wasn't planned. I could go on and on, but I won't. I am not looked for a "faked" relationship, but to understand why the relationships I already have, feel fake to me.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2010 at 9:56AM
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aday, I can understand that. One of my elderly relatives was the child of his mother's first brief marriage. Her husband was killed in the war and never even met his son. Her second husband raised the boy from almost infancy and they decided it best to not tell him that SF was not, in fact, his biological father. He didn't find out the truth until he was middle-aged and his wife began doing the family genealogy. He said that he wished he would have just known; that he always felt that his "Dad" was just a tiny bit distant from him and treated him a tiny bit differently than his younger brother, and he never knew why (why, of course, being that younger was bio-child and older was not). He said his Dad was a good father, and tried to treat them the same - but he could and did still pick up that there was a difference but never knew why.

My whole long-winded point is that in your case, it might just be the suspicion that you are biologically uncle's vs. dad's that might make relatives have behaved the ways that they did. A DNA test, of course, will not resolve that. You'll know the truth now but they didn't know it then.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2010 at 11:08AM
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I don't really get the "need to know".\

An old boyfriend once asked me in exasperation,
"Is it written somewhere in the rules of the universe that sylviatexas *has* to know???"

& I of course said, "yes".

Some of us have a need to know.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2010 at 11:49AM
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I mean, I won't DIE if I don't know...but it would be nice to send the forks on my family tree in the right direction. I wonder what that tree would look like? Would I get my own branch? LOL....sorry.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2010 at 12:21PM
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Every one has the right to know who their father is!!! Aday, I m surprised anyone thinks otherwise..The information and what you do with it is yours, why is it everyone elses right to keep secrets, where is your right to know the truth..Why would the wish to protect the bad behavior supercede your need to know? I believe you absolutely should have the info and decide what to do with it yourself......

    Bookmark   July 30, 2010 at 12:36PM
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"I believe you absolutely should have the info and decide what to do with it yourself......"

I totally agree. Have to say I am surprised by people saying "why do you need to know?"

I can completely understand and know for sure that if I were in OP's situation, I would want to know. Even need to know.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2010 at 1:06PM
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Have you done a DNA test yet? there is a tv show looking for these kind of stories, if you are interested email jfillmancasting@gmail

    Bookmark   December 18, 2013 at 6:58PM
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Aday, let us know what the DNA tests show. And please, don't go in TV!

    Bookmark   December 24, 2013 at 8:10AM
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OMG I am going thru the SAME thing! my father dated a woman when I was little. they broke up, she started dating my uncle, and my cousin looks like me and my father. her uncle. were trying to take a test but neither my father or her so called father will participate. even my grandparents think my father is her father. how can we take a test without them?

    Bookmark   January 1, 2015 at 8:23PM
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