BM financial problems

lovehadleyJuly 24, 2009

She called DH this morning---don't even get me started on how he is easing back into talking to her more b/c that's another issue---and DH said she was almost hysterical.

She actually wanted to know if she and her DH could *borrow* $2800. Apparently, if they don't come up w/the money today, they are being evicted.


DH just said he couldn't do that (couldn't means wouldn't, there is no way in h*ll he/we would ever do that, given the circumstances) and what about her parents? She said her parents are "done with helping them." He asked about her DH's parents and she said that her in-laws loaned them 3K for wedding costs, and they cannot borrow any more money from them.

I am flabbergasted she would even ask DH---well, no, I take that back. Nothing with BM surprises me anymore. Two years ago, when she was pregnant, she "broke up" with her DH (then BF) and asked DH if she could live with US for a few weeks---she said she would "stay on the lower level and not bother us." Craziness!

Anyway, who knows if she is exaggerating or not w/their finances---they always seem to be in one jam or another and get out of it somehow. And DH didn't say this to HER, of course, but to me, he just said "well, maybe this is BETTER for SS in the long run." I know that sounds awful to say--that it might be in his best interest if they get evicted---but it just gives us further grounds for primary custody, and at this point, if BM and DH can't keep it together, then that IS what's best for him. We know BM's drinking again b/c SS told us that BM drinks wine at night sometimes but that "it's okay because it doesn't make her act crazy anymore."

The thing that sucks, though---is that yes, if this is the way things are going to be, then SS IS better off with us. BUT that's not REALLY the best thing. The BEST THING would be for his mom to get her life together somehow! As the child of an alcoholic who has been in recovery for almost 8 yrs, I so wish that someone on BM's side of the family would stage an intervention. I don't know if it would make a difference or not--but someone has got to get her to wake up! Her whole LIFE is a mess. Drinking, evictions, no money, etc. It just gets worse and worse....

That night she came over to our house--before she went all apesh*t on me---when she was sitting in the kitchen crying, she was bawling about how horrible her life is, and I was trying to encourage her and be positive. She had been looking into some sort of LPN program and I told her that was a FAB idea! I remember her saying it started this August, and was from 9-4 and the *reason* she didn't want to do it was b/c she didn't want SS to be at after-care on her days. And I was reassuring her that an hour at after-care wouldn't be BAD by any means, and that by doing something positive for HERSELF, she would in turn be bettering SS's life.

Anyway, we talked about her drinking, and how she just needs to STOP and she agreed....but then everything went to h*ll in a handbasket, and that was that.

I don't know...I need to quit thinking about it b/c it just frustrates me and irritates me and there is nothing I can do but wait and see where the cards fall....

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At least Hubby told her NO -- and that IS a positive step.

And you are documenting the "BM drinks wine at night sometimes" statements, right?

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 11:38AM
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Oh yeah!

We have sooooo much documented. The funny thing is---the first go-around in court, in early 2008, we had STACKS of nasty, threatening emails, and about 15 nasty voicemails, and the GAL did not want to hear or read any of it. I think he gave BM the benefit of the doubt that time. This second time around, with the second GAL, he was much more interested in the *history* and he even spoke w/the former GAL who did confirm he felt BM has a drinking problem.
But it's just funny----all that documentation and he was not interested in any of it. Maybe if we had gone to trial...

DH is going to bring that statement up w/SS's new counselor and hope that the counselor can get him to delve into it a bit more.

Slow and steady...

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 11:48AM
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Love, I felt badly for your DD when SS teased her the other day. How did the sleepover go?

In any event, I can understand SS acting out, as I suspect he has overheard some of the stuff going on at his moms.

In case something dire happens, does SS have Dads phone number memorized?

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 11:48AM
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Oh, she was fine. I picked her up at 7:30 this morning and she is crashed out now! I don't think they slept at all.

Thank goodness she is really a confident kid---nothing really phases her that much, and even though she was a little concerned about the pullups, it wasn't enough to ruin her fun. I spoke w/her counselor about it and they said there were plenty of other kids in the same boat. It worked out fine--I just told her to take her backpack into the bathroom to change, and take the pull-up out, and that's what she did.

She was fine! I'm just grateful she is the kind of personality that she is---I know other kids would have been beside themselves w/worry, but she's just not like that. HA--she does not get that from me!

SS does have DH's number on his cell phone but their cells are all shut off. SIGH. BM and her DH and I guess SS's are all on the same plan--and they must have been past-due b/c DH said the numbers are disconnected. They don't have a landline and BM has been borrowing her mom's cell for a few days now.

The crazy thing is---with all the court stuff--I don't know WHY BM is dumb enough to TELL DH all this information!

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 11:55AM
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So she can tell your SS ... its all daddy's fault you can't live with me any longer .... daddy told the judge blah blah blah .... classic PAS ....

Everyone else's fault not hers.

If daddy didn't tell them I was drinking how would they know ... you and I didn't tell them daddy did.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 12:15PM
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Love, if you have any real concern they may actually get evicted, I would try to get SS to memorize dads number. Or at least make certain he knows the "official" street name and town you live in. If the Sheriff does show up to evict them and it gets nasty, you would like SS to be able to give a phone number of dad to come get him.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 12:20PM
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KK brings up a really good point. While I'm certainly not suggesting you try to prevent BM from being evicted, it would make sense to email her an offer to have SS stay with you indefinitely so he doesn't have to experience what will surely be a difficult time for them. Email, so it's in writing. But also a call to BM's mother since you really do want word to get to BM.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 12:58PM
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BM HAS her mom's cell indefinitely, according to what she told DH this mornning, so she is in communication that way.

As far as email, it does make sense to put it in writing, BUT BM doesn't have internet at her house anymore. I guess that, along with cable, was shut off as well. It's been off for a good 2 months and it's really frustrating b/c DH had been trying to keep all communication to email. That doesn't work given the current circumstances.

DH did tell BM the other day when she said they had no food that SS could stay with us as needed, and BM turned up her nose at that. I don't blame her, given the situation, I am sure that scares her/makes her nervous because it could turn into "status quo" which could then become a more permanent custody arrangement.

I don't know what will happen. We've heard all this stuff before, though things have never seemed to be *this* bad. But BM's parents usually help bail them out when push comes to shove. I don't really know. If they do lose their home, I am sure that they will stay with BM's parents until they can get a new place. I just don't ever forsee BM letting SS be with us indefinitely---unless they were outright on the STREETS which would never happen. BM's mom and dad live, like, 2 blocks away!

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 1:07PM
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But where will the puppy live???????

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 1:27PM
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Ashley! LOL!

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 1:42PM
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Sorry.......I couldn't help!

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 2:03PM
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since he told her no, I don't understand what the problem is. Your talking to her in the past just encourages her. When she calls and you answer keep it impersonal and tell her you have to take the cake out of the oven and put the cookies in.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 9:49PM
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If she's worried about the status quo, she really needs to worry about being homeless... or keeping her child in a situation that DH could bring up as unstable to SS. But, an alcoholic doesn't reason the same way as the rest of the world. It would make her look like a better parent to send SS to live with dad until she moves or secures a stable home when it looks like she may lose that one. If he tried to use it against her, she could say she did it for SS's stability & the court might agree with her. However, if she insists on keeping SS with her... they get evicted... go from place to place until she finds another one... SS is not being fed or cared for properly during that time because she has no money, no house, etc. it could be used against her by your DH to show that she selfishly put SS through unnecessary stress & instability when he had offered a temporary solution to keep SS for her. That would make her look like a worse parent than ensuring her child doesn't have to go through that.

But an alcoholic would not see it that way... and when the court rules against her because she does selfish things, she believes she is the victim because she thinks she's doing nothing wrong. She's doing what makes HER feel better, not what is best for SS.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2009 at 1:58AM
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LH, my friend got evicted last year for not paying her rent (she withheld it cause the landlord was lettin gher appartment go to shambles and she wanted him to fix it.) either way...she withheld 5 months of rent and then it took them another 3 months to take her ot court and boot her out.
If BM is saying she needs 2800 right away its probably because they've taken her ot court and its official....or she is just borrowing money again to make sure she doesn't show up in court.
Her bad, She will definitely lose custody because its an unstable environment for her son.
Unfortunately there are people who are reallly bad at financial planning and organizing the most simple of their bills...i know people who are behind 1200 buck in hydro...400 in telephone...its awful. You cannot change that. And if her DH and her have issues. Its their issues and they need a life lesson and clean up their act.
Your ss should memories a few numbers, father, grandparents or even a school councilor can have back up plans for wehn they are evicted.
As a mother, she should think of this and make sure her son is taken care of first. Ie, extend the stay with you guys until she can find another place to live or give him to grandparents on her time until she has a solution.
for now...all you can do it reassure your ss with numbers and contact info for when it happens and to prepare him mentally.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2009 at 10:06AM
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LH, if you have time, you might want to see if you can run over to local courthouse and see what if any preliminary evictions paper s filed. You might want to get copies, etc. and see if anyone there can tell you what might happen, time line etc. I am curious as to why BM would see if she could move in with her X, if her parents would make a home for her. How big is BMs parents house?

    Bookmark   July 25, 2009 at 10:46AM
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"I am curious as to why BM would see if she could move in with her X, if her parents would make a home for her. How big is BMs parents house?"

This was a couple years ago.

Because she is crazy, that's why. :) was because she had already lived with her parents for 2-3 months in between boyfriends and didn't want to do it again. She broke up with the guy she had lived with for two years, and lived with her parents for about two or three months before moving in with her now-DH. Her reason for wanting out of her parents' house at the time was that they set down a bunch of rules. They told her she had to get a job and/or go back to school or some sort of trade program. They put stipulations on how late she could stay out, said she was not allowed to come home drunk, had to help with cleaning, cooking, etc. At the time, BM was probably 29-30ish and she was infuriated that they would lay down rules---she was especially ticked that her younger sister lived at home, had a suite in the basement remodeled for her, had no rules, etc. What BM didn't seem to get is that her sister has her master's in Education, teaches full-time and just has her life together overall. So of course her parents treat her like an adult--because she behaves like one.

Anyway---I don't know how big their home is, I know that BM and SS were sharing a room when they lived there, so I guess maybe it's a 3 bedroom?

I mean, I don't blame her for not WANTING to do that, but geez....sometimes things aren't always what we want. And to me--- her wanting to move in us with US---not just her EX, KKNY, but her ex and his then-fiancee----is absolutely insane! WHO would want to do that? A crazy person!

    Bookmark   July 25, 2009 at 1:02PM
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SO has this friend, or rather former friend, who had a tendency to call every few months and say unless SO gives him money he is going to be evicted. SO didn't give him any money (did in the past, and it turned out to be a disaster), but guy never got evicted. he still lives in the same place. it is just his way of getting money out of people for drugs or alcohol or whatever else. i doubt BM will be evicted. she sounds like she wants to be a victim.

as about her drinking, it needs to be reported because she violates the agreement of not drinking wiht SS.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2009 at 9:01AM
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