Trying again w/SS

lovehadleyJuly 16, 2009

I am going to have him with me today.

DH has been taking him to work for a few hours on Wed/Thurs this summer but it's really taking a toll on DH and SS, too.

I am still VERY hesitant and not ready to jump back into being fully responsible every Wed, Thurs and EO fri/sat when DH works.

But today I had made plans to go w/DD and my mom to my mom's club pool for swimming and lunch. I figured this is a good opportunity to try again w/SS, since my mom will be there.

SS has been very sweet to me the last month or so. I *hope* he has begun to see the ramifications of what happens when he tells BM things that are not true. I think he has taken some of his rose-colored glasses off in regards to her. This last time when BM blew up at DH (last week) DH told her he would no longer continue the conversation b/c he could hear SS in the background and he kept asking BM to go somewhere private. Finally, he heard SS yell at BM really loud "stop being mean to my dad!" He did it before, as well, with the CPS/bruise stuff---in front of DH, he told BM to stop fighting and that I had not hurt him. And he was honest with the caseworker and told her that I did not give him a bruise, but that "his mom said I did." So he KNOWS how to be honest. It's standing strong in front of his mom that he has trouble with.

NOW--DH and I still don't know what SS may have said prior to that. He is vague about it and changes his story from "he didn't say anything" to he "told BM I hurt him a little bit."

But either way---I am going to start slowly w/today and give it a chance. As his self-confidence boosts, I think he will be better able to distinguish right from wrong, even when his mom is telling him *wrong.*

Next week both he and DD will be in day camp, so that will pass the time. The following week, we are all going on vaca together for 5 days. Then it's only a couple more weeks and school will be starting again. If I can make it to then--I feel A LOT more comfortable. Then it means I will be picking him up at school (1 mile from our house, woohoo!) and DH will be home less than 2 hrs later.

Wish me luck!

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kkny

I think taking SS to public places is a good idea. This protects you. Little steps, one day at a time. Good luck.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2009 at 11:04AM
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sweeby

Good luck Hadley -- I'm rooting for you.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2009 at 11:46AM
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ceph

I 'm cheering for you too!

    Bookmark   July 16, 2009 at 2:25PM
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organic_maria

So, how was it? Did all go well with the day together?

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 8:11AM
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lovehadley

Thanks for asking maria.

It did go well!

It helped to have my mom there--SS is fine--but I am rather tense in situations with him now, so having my mom helped diffuse it.

We spent 4 hrs at the pool, had lunch, etc. It was a good time.

SS was very polite and well-behaved (well, haha, as much as a 7 yr old boy can be!) and I think this was a good start.

He is still totally mulling things over in his head, though. In the car, SS asked me if it is ever okay for a grown up to hit another grown up? I had to think about it and finally I said that the BEST idea is to not be physical like that, BUT that even if for a grown-up, if someone is really hurting you and you are not able to "get away" then it's okay to use your hands to defend your own body.

Then he asked me what can happen if an adult hits another adult for no reason. YIKES. I was honest and said that it really doesn't matter WHAT your age, it's not okay to hit/kick/etc and that if you do a lot of bad things can happen. THEN he asked me if a grown up could go to jail for hitting another grown up and I said YES, sometimes that can happen.

I knew this all had something to do with his mom and sure enough, he topped it out with, "You know, my mom didn't really punch you, she just slapped you."

I just said, "I know you might not remember but that's not true." And I told him that he didn't need to worry about his mom going to jail (a big fear of his now) because that whole night was over. And left it at that. I know he worries about everythin, though, because every time BM comes to our house to pick him up, SS tells me to 'stay inside so I am not afraid.' :(

Later that night he said the same thing to DH. "My mom didn't really punch ______, she just slapped her." And DH immediately said, "no, that's not true, slapping does not leave a black eye. And even if your mom DID slap ____ instead of punching, that is still not okay!"

It was weird---SS wasn't angry or accusatory when he said any of this, so I am thinking maybe his mom told him that? And he's just running it by us to get our take? That IS what alcoholics do, afterall, distort reality, and live in denial.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 11:18AM
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kkny

Wow, this is upsetting. There are a variety of issues which much be addressed.

DH should speak to SS and say ALL hitting and slapping is wrong. He should ask SS -- what would happen if someone slapped someone at school? Wouldnt they get in trouble? Do you think it would be any less wrong if teacher saw or if teacher didnt see? When does a slap turn into a hit? Would you like it if someone slapped you? And dh should listen.

IMHO, DH should say -- we don't want to talk about that night anymore [if that is true] -- BUT hitting and slapping are both wrong. If you do it you can hurt someone and you can get in troubl.e.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 12:18PM
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kkny

Hadley,

I am sorry about what happened to you. But to me just as important (and I say only becuase I think you have indicated you have no permenant damage) is the impression that mom is giving SS that ANY physical aggression is OK. Dad has to deal with this.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 12:20PM
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