How to get rid of someone?

parent_of_oneJuly 20, 2011

Absolutely OT. But don't want to ask anyone in real life because they are too invested.

I know someone, would not call her a friend, but just know her.

She is very much into spending time with me,seeing me, doing stuff etc She leaves out of town now, but not too far, so she is in the area quite often.

Now over several years that I have known her I developed a notion that I simply do not want to spend time with her, there is something about her that eats my energy up and produces some anxiety and discomfort in me.

BUT I seem to be unable to get rid of her without actually being rude or hurtful. But I simply do not know how to do it because it is not like she did somehting awful.

At some point I honestly (I know it is not nice) simply stopped answering phone calls, but she would not stop calling. While i was on vacation she left 2 messages, and I did not call back. Last night she called 3 times. I thought it could be an emergency (3 times?) so i did call back ( no emergency).

Now when she wants me to go with her to XYZ, I feel bad saying that I just don't want to, I feel like I have to lie about other obligations but I don't like to lie plus I don't want to feel anxiety over showing up somewhere and here she is "didn't you say you have to babysit your niece?" I simply do not want to make elaborate lies.

I know it might not a be a big issue, but it feels very annoying for me, I called her back but she was at work. I know for a fact she is going to ask let's go do this or that or see this or that. And I am in a state of anxiety making up a story in my head that SO and I have to go do XYZ this weekend, then she'll ask "can i go with you". UUUGHHH PLEASE HELP!!!!

How do I get rid of a person without being rude to her face?

(rereading my post is started looking that she is romantically into me, no, that's not the case LOL)

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The way I see it you have two choices. You either keep giving the excuses and ignoring phone calls and hope she gets the hint or stops trying. Or you come clean with her about your friendship. Neither choice is easy, but this situation is not an easy one.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2011 at 10:50AM
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Thanks, it seems that the first option is more realistic for me because how do I say directly I don't want to spend time with her? But she is yet to get the hint, and I realized now that I screwed up again by calling back. Now I also do not want to create an enemy, if she calls and says I am in the hospital or need medications or need a ride or something, sure I'd help, I just don't want to spend time with her!

And on top of it she always wants whoever she dates at the time spending time with us, it is a pain, I could not even remember men's names. My SO doesn't get it, keeps asking why is she bringing different men every time? Well she is seeing different men.

And every time I see her she says, every time "oh you gained weight!" I have been the same weight for a long time, I gained nothing!!! or "when SO and you are getting married so you can have his pension when he retires?" "your DD is pretty, she looks like the type that old men like" WTF???? "well, tall, long blond hair, long legs, and innocent babyface, that's what old men like" WTF??? Yes that's how DD looks. But old men?

These are just things over the years. Now does it sound like I need to spending time with the person?

    Bookmark   July 20, 2011 at 11:12AM
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You could try being flat out honest with her. I will assume when you started your friendship with her that you were not attached to SO or least not as tightly as now.

Things change. You have a committment and a life to build with SO. While you value her friendship and do count her as a close friend you just have other priorities right now. Does not mean you don't want to still be friends but you just don't have the time to be in your face friends. You work fulltime, have SO, have couple duties, two sets of kids to also juggling for time and you simply don't have the time you use to have to spread yourself so thin.

Sure, you want to keep in touch but it's just not going to be able to be as often as it use to be. She's an adult, surely she can understand this. I'll assume she does not have the committments in her life that you do and she's just lonely and bored.

You should be able to say 'I'll call you next month and we'll meet for luch and catch up'...and wait six weeks. Slowly wean her farther and farther off.

My mother has a friend she's been close to for over 50 years. There's a bond between the two of them that just can not be broken even when 6 months go by and they have not talked. Suddenly the phone will ring and it's like they never missed a beat. This friend sat with my sister and I during Mom's three surgeries this summer. She hugged, she prayed she was just there for us...yet she has her own life and we all respect that. When something happens in our lives, we (her kids too) come together like glue, but on a daily/weekly basis, we all very much have our own life.

This friend of your's, PO1, is being rude (probably without meaning to) by intruding in your life nonstop and assuming she should be included in every little thing.

If she's really your friend she's understand and respect honesty from you.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2011 at 11:16AM
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justmetoo, I have friends like you mom, I do not talk all the time or see that often (live too far) but then when it happens it is like it was yesterday, those are usually long time/childhood friends. This lady is not the case.

Yeah I've been trying to wean her, and it works in a sense that she does not call every weekend plus she lives farther away. She isn't really a friend in a true sense of that word.

I have a feeling that there is an activity she wants to do this weekend (there is an event in the area) and sorry to say I am making up a lie right now...

Funny thing is even when I have a true commitment she would say "oh sure you can cancel that, it doesn't sound that important". haha It could be a monthly meeting in a association I belong to, planned trip to a cemetery with my mother, planned dinner with SDs, none is as important as spending time with her LOL

Oh I feel better already venting about it! Thank you for support.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2011 at 11:42AM
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Sounds like in addition to the things she says (WTF?) her personality is just not appealing to you in some way --

Is she a Chronic Complainer? Helpless? A Downer? Perpetual Victim? Nasty about others? Critical?

If there's a trait or two you could identify, it might be helpful to bring that up directly but kindly: "Susie, it brings me down to always hear how terrible your life is, yet you refuse to change it. That's hard for me..." You could add (or not) "I still want to be your friend, but weekly get-togethers are just more than I can handle right now."

She might make some improvements, which would be wonderful. But more likely, she'll get hurt or offended, and distance herself somewhat.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2011 at 2:38PM
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I didn't read the other responses because I am short on time.

I know how you feel and I have been down this road except this was my childhood best friend. Once I got married at 20, she was not married did not have Kids but was still very needy of my attention. Every single day, she called and called and I ignored her. With both of my children, she just showed up at the hospital without being invited and would NOT leave. She even told DH to go home and rest and she would stay with me and baby over night. He was like huh? I don't think so..
When I was single and going through my divorce, we did hang out a lot. I noticed my other friends were not calling as much. I asked one why? They said 'because your tag along annoys everyone' I started having to turn my phone off and never post to myspace/Facebook anything so that I could have my other friends too.
She became demanding. 'I need to talk to you!!!' in text messages. Voice mails she sounded annoyed and exhausted with her attempts to reach me. Hellllloooooooo? WHY aren't you answering!!!? Call me BACK!

So... I had enough. About two years ago, I exploded. I finally just said 'look. I love you. We have been friends forever but I have a family that I have to tend to and cannot sit on the phone with you every night. I get one or two quiet times a week and I have to share that with myself and my other friends. I do want to chat with you but sometimes I'm not available and you seem to get frustrated that I am not at your beck and call. I work full time, you do not PLUS I have kids and a husband to spend time with and you do not so ... I would love to chat on occassion but I can't deal with your demanding Phone calls and texts'

She was hurt. I didn't hear from her for months. But finally she called and said hey just seeing how you are doing. Going months without hearing from her made me realize I DID want to continue our friendship but not like it was. We enjoy a short chat about every other month now. Of course she has a baby and is obviously BUSY. Currently she is not speaking to me because I could not make it to her baby's bday party a few weeks ago and that's fine. My daughter had a dance recital and I explained that but see now it's about her kid.. It never could be about MY kid... So if I hear from her I hear from her if not, oh well but it sure is nice NOT being suffocated or having to dodge phone calls. I would rather have a bill collector call than read her harassing text messages.

So I think you should just be honest. Just tell her. You are going to get what you want if you tell her your true feelings AND it's such a relief. She doesn't live near you so you won't have to run in to her everytime you go to the post office or something.. But do it for you and to give you some peace that's what you want anyway right?

It's a hard decision but being honest is the best for YOU.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2011 at 3:09PM
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sweeby she does not really complain about her life that much (accept complaining about men). But she sure is critical of me and my life and others. It is not anything specific just like the negative and stupid comments

"oh you gained weight"

"oh you should buy different facial products you have wrinkles"

"you have dark shadows, why don't you buy concealer?"

"oh why are you tired your job is the easiest WTF?"

"why don't you like to cook?"

"why don't you sign up for gym"

"why don't you go skiing with SO?-I hate skiing I said that many times, SO never ever skied and has no plans to start. "well you should try you might like it?" HUHHHgg

"why don't you buy a bike and join biking group with me" about 15th time I don't bike,

"why don't you join singles group with me?" I have SO, had for 5 years, we live together? Huh? Singles group? Doing what?

It brings me down, I don't make such comments to people like ever.

Also she has strained withdrawn relationship with her mother and only son so she makes weird comments about my relationship with DD and my parents, like sarcastic type. or shows complete lack of understanding and frustration when i say I am spending evening with my parents, no occasion, just sit aorund talk, me and my mom like fashion, look at fashion magazines, discuss what's new in styles, argue with dad about politics, whatever. She is like "why do you need the whole evening?". it is exhausting to answer every question.

example of a conversation, she calls at 9PM,
"why don't you come over?"

"I already took a shower and am in my robe on a coach watching show with SO".

"It is only 9, why don't you come later?

"It is a weeknight, we'll be in bed at 10PM after the show. I really can't talk right now, we were watching a show that we waited for 2 weeks."

"Why do you always go to bed so early?"

"I get up at 5:15AM to go to work. Sorry, i will call you over the weekend, I gotta go, i want to finish that show, sorry, my bad, have a great night, I talk to you soon"

"you guys watch a lot of TV"

"OMG, no we don't, we were planning to see this specific show, thanks, sorry, my bad, i am hanging up"

hahahahahah OMG

myfam, you are right...She does not live in the area though anymore so i won't run into her. My SO used to run into her in a grocery store all the time (with different men buying her food LOL). But not anymore. But she comes aorund when there are big events like art fairs or shows in the area and that;s when i worry to run into her after I tell her a lie. Myfam, I don't think i have in me to tell her directly. I am just trying to avoid her, I mean I could just stop answering the phone calls. I just feel guilty about it.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2011 at 4:20PM
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Would she show up at your house, putting you in an uncomfortable position?

If you can't tell her because you don't have it in you, I do completely understand that. 100%!! so if that doesn't work, ignoring is the best way to go and don't feel bad about it. You're beating yourself up over it. Stop! She is making such inappropriate comments and nagging almost. That isn't a friend. That's my dd's sm!!! Although ignoring seems to make her worse for me ... Lol

Its almost like you would have to hide from her. Like move to another country. She has negative blood and some people just do especially when they are unhappy like with the mother/daughter relationship. She should be happy for you and encourage it but she cant because she doesn't have that. If she is estranged from her son and mom... These might be the reasons. She is actually *lucky* to have someone like you that feels *guilty* to hurt her, ignore her. Something her own mom and child don't feel.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you. At least I hope you feel some what better from venting. Good luck.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2011 at 8:35PM
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Goodness, I don't even know your friend and she gets on my nerves!
Here's an idea. Maybe it will work, maybe it won�t. My suggestion is give her a taste of her own medicine.

She says "oh you gained weight"
You say - "yeah, I see you have too." (I don't care if she's super model skinny, say it anyway)
She says "oh you should buy different facial products you have wrinkles"
You say - "What kind do you use because I see you have a lot of wrinkles too?"
She says "why don't you join singles group with me?"
You say - "I don't want to hang out with a bunch of self centered people who have no lives because they're single."
That's not really what I think about single people, but basically whatever she says to you, you turn it around, and put the negativity right back on her.
Good luck!

    Bookmark   July 20, 2011 at 9:35PM
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hahaha ashley, it is hilarious. I wish I thought of that earlier, what a good suggestion.

myfam, she won't show up at the house unannounced. that would be horrible.

She does talk to her son but he keeps his distance (her son is a very very nice man BTW) and yes she is estranged (maybe talks once a year) from her mother and she is not close to anyone in her family. She was also married twice to very abusive men. Since then she's on a constant mission to get a man, if man dumps her she does not even wait a week. I feel compassion for all that, I do, but it seems to me that a lot of her problems come from her issues, not other people's. She just does not to acknowledge it. And she does exactly the same to me, chased me away. When i first met her, I enjoyed her company until i started to see the pattern (see above comments and conversations)

i feel great from venting! thanks everybody

    Bookmark   July 21, 2011 at 8:51AM
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I haven't been here in a while. Your topic caught my attention. I didn't fully read what everyone said, but I read your reply to Sweeby...

"oh you gained weight"

"oh you should buy different facial products you have wrinkles"

"you have dark shadows, why don't you buy concealer?"

"oh why are you tired your job is the easiest WTF?"

"why don't you like to cook?"

"why don't you sign up for gym" ...

Of course you gave more examples of what a bunch of joy this woman is to have as a friend, but...

I would handle her in either one or two ways.

1. (This is my preferred choice.) Next time she calls, I would just come out and tell her that the last few time you guys got together or talked it really was a drag for you. Then I would let her know that she says things that really are inappropriate and out of bounds (it is the truth). I would then tell her that you would prefer to end the relationship because it isn't working for you.

2. Method 2 calls for doing something with her and letting her make one of her offensive comments. Once she says your fat or whatever, then you tell her this isn't the first time you've said things like this to me. I disagree with your comment. After that, you tell her that this just isn't working for you and you wish to discontinue the relationship.

It's direct and it's effective. You just have to be short, sweet, and to the point - not mean, just honest. I've actually cut ties with a couple of people, including a family member, in my life. I was really nervous and shaking the first time I told someone that I'd had it. It really was scarey and I was also twenty years younger. As I have gotten older, I find that life is too short and times flies by too quickly to be timid about things.

It basically comes down to being abused or putting up with do-do in order to protect the feeling of the offender. Forget it!

    Bookmark   July 24, 2011 at 12:18PM
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thanks gerina, good points, I have a feeling that maybe she is gone for good.

I called her back (she kept calling) and after she asked why am I not calling I told her we wer on a long vacation in such and such places and just came back (true) and I was very busy aorund the house because we had big party planned with my family (true) and then SDs are coming and a grandbaby (true as well) and we have to do a lot of rearrangement in the house and shopping (also truth) so I've been busy.

All of a sudden she sounded very irritated, and literally wrapped up the conversation. In the past whenever I said I am going to vacation she made sarcastic or strange unkind comments. I guess she was pissed I went on vacation yet again or maybe that I have people over and don't invite her, who knows. I pray it is over.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2011 at 12:48PM
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She sounds really annoying! Have you seen any of the Bridget Jones movies or read the books? There is that one character, can't remember her name, but they call her the Jellyfish. And she is just like that with all the *stinging* comments.

This woman sounds insecure/jealous and she makes comments to drag you down. I don't think she is insensitive, I think she knows exactly what she's saying.

Tough call. If it were me, I would just avoid, avoid, avoid and hope she finally got the hint. But I am a big wuss about confrontations of any kind. Sometimes I wish I could be more assertive.

I'm sorry. :-( I like some of the funny suggestions you've already gotten! Hope your "frend" gets the hint and phases herself on out...

    Bookmark   July 24, 2011 at 10:56PM
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Yeah I love Bridget Jones! first movie and a first book, the second not that much.

Yeah I think she already started backing off. I don't think she wants to hurt deliberately, but that's how she is with everybody and it explains her issues with other people including her own mother and her son. So it is not just me. Yeah unless someone really does something awful i can't just tell them to back off ( I can if they really do awful thing) but I don't feel like I benefit form such friendship at all.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2011 at 12:08AM
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