Stepping away from the SD!

sassymom12July 15, 2009

New to the forum. My SD is 9 & my DD is 11. After 2 1/2 yrs of being treated like crud I am stepping back. SD lives with us FT & I can't deal with the stress of dealing with her. She argues nonstop, ie the color of a medicine bottle, she lies,blames, & is nasty to me. If I look at her i get "WHAT"? No matter what I do it doesn't work.

Example: Buying her an outfit she was telling me she wanted XS shorts, Nooo you're a S. She kept at it. I bought S. Then asks for KoolAid & I said we have apple juice. She continues to argue & I told her that KoolAid had more sugar & I'm not buying it. On the way home I told her I'm tired of her argueing over everything & the way she talks to me. She started crying & I asked her why: "Because you said KoolAid has more sugar than juice & you're wrong!" Just 1 example of my day with her from wakeup until bedtime. Does what I ask her not to withing minutes & doesn't do what I ask. FINALLY told DH that if she doesn't rinse her dishes she can wash them,if she doesn't put dirty clothes in laundry then she'll wear them dirty. Anything she's asking for I tell her she can ask her dad. I'm done!!!! Sorry for the rant, I feel much better.

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nivea

Well most of that sounds like a typical child. I do think it is a mistake for a stepparent to handle full parenting duties of stepchildren, as it causes resentment on both sides. Your DH should be doing the heavy lifting.

And, not to be snarky, but your SD was pretty much right about kool aid. Especially the powdered kind, it contains less sugar than most juices. And of course, if you mix it yourself you can use however much and whatever kind of sugar you want to mix it. But whatever :) just pointing that out. Some juices are better than others and its a parenting choice.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 10:47AM
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lovehadley

Wait, wait. Sidetrack. We buy juice all the time---but only the 100% juice, no sugar added stuff, like the Apple & Eve brand. That is better than kool-aid, right?

i have never ever served kool-aid for my DD and SS. It bugs me to no end b/c BM buys those little plastic cartoons of flavored sugar water---you know, those things schools used to serve when we were little? They are small plastic bottles with orange or red liquid inside. PURE SUGAR. Anyway, when DH picks SS up BM almost always sends him with a drink for the car---and it is always those things or BM's version of "juice" which is Sunny D. As a result---SS does not like any of our drinks over here---which consist of 1% milk, sometimes w/choc. or strawberry syrup added as a treat, or 100% apple juice, or water. That's about all we offer the kids. Sometimes on a hot summer day, I will make a pitcher of lemonade but again---that is a special treat. On occasion if we go out to dinner, they can sometimes order a sprite--but that's a rare treat.

Sorry for the drink tangent!

I do think it is best for OP to let her DH handle the parenting duties.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 11:45AM
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nivea

Love, it really depends whats in it. Some will have labels that will have 100% juice, no sugar added but will have other stuff that is worse than pure sugar. A nutritionist friend of mine said she'd rather give her kids a packet of pure sugar than some of the 100% sugar free juices on the shelves out there.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 12:02PM
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finedreams

be careful with comments about clothes size and too much sugar, I wonder if SD interprets it as her having weight issue. I made this mistake wiht DD who has a tendency to gain weight. i was very sad to find out that she still remembers few comments i made (unintentionally like "you don't need that much sugar or you need cltohes bigger size"). It could effect their body image. maybe i am off on this, but just a thought.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 12:04PM
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kkny

Fd, you are right. This may not be OP's situation, but I would say things like -- those shorts will shrink, lets get the bigger size. So it is not personal to her.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 12:08PM
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finedreams

I know...apparently I said once to DD (which I do not recall but I trust that i did say that, she wouldn't lie)when she asked for cookies once apparently i said something like: I am not going to buy cookies for awhile, you gained weight. I can't think of any excuse or why would i even say that, possibly not thinking straight. the thing is that it never occured to me to be sensitive to weight issue because i was always very thin and never had body image issue (in young age I mean), so it never occured to me to be sensitive to that subject. awful, how could i do that.... DD is not heavy but she gains weight very easily. I know now to be sensitive and I feel very guilty that i ever was that insensitive.

great idea about shrinking clothes.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 2:06PM
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sassymom12

Ok... here goes! 1st~the juice I buy DOES have less sugar. I didn't get her an xsmall or not buy KoolAid due to ANY weight issues. She is petite. The xsmall would have shown the bottom half of her behind & I'm not buying her clothes like that! Her antics are not typical~ temper tantrums, baby talk, argueing NON~STOP with anyone & everyone, etc. I could go on for years re the issues. She is on meds for ADHD & Dr said the issues are above & beyond ADHD. We are currently looking into behavior therapy. I'm stepping back because no matter what I try or do she is overly nasty to me.I asked her if she treated her mom this way, she said "no". Asked why? "Cause my mom doesn't ask me questions". Well the ?'s I ask are "how was school, is your homework done....". Well, her mom isn't involved in her life except every other weekend.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 5:29PM
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imamommy

Sassymom, I understand your frustration. I raised a daughter and now I am raising a stepdaughter. When my daughter was young, I lived with my exBF and his daughter was the SAME age as mine. What may be hard for others to understand is that when dad is custodial and stepmom has kids the same age, it's nearly impossible to say dad should handle all parental responsibility. If he works from home or is able to handle all parental responsibility, that would be ideal. But, as we all know... if I am going to go to Wal Mart while he's at work and I'm taking MY kids... what am I going to do with HIS kids? Well, if I take them, I am doing 'his' job.. if I don't, I'm being mean because I'm taking my kids and maybe his kids want to go too... and what if I buy my kids things while we are there??? That is seen as unfair by his kids. Sorry, it doesn't work that way in the real world.

If those kids live with you and you are in the mother role at your house (with your kids), then of course you are going to have part in decisions about what to buy at the store.. clothes or food. Those are 'household' rules.. and your DH needs to set the record straight with his kids that the household rules are rules he and you agreed to. If that means no kool aid, but only juice.. that's the rule. If you slip your kids stuff his kids are not allowed to have, then I can see why they'd have a problem but that isn't what seems to be going on. They don't like the rules because you are enforcing them and it's their father's job to support you... say having a family meeting where he can set them straight that "yes, sassy said no Kool Aid but that is OUR rule... I would say no Kool Aid too." and it may take a while but he needs to be a part of and support the decisions like what kind of clothes are okay or not, what the family will consume, etc.

Some may not agree that a stepmom should make decisions or that she should leave everything to the father, but that comes with the territory of being a custodial stepmom. I too have backed away from doing things for my SD10 because she has lied and makes false accusations against me, and other SD's here have done that and then it is best to step back but when you have kids around the same ages, it makes it so much harder to find peace... because you want to go have fun with your kids but when you don't include the step kids, then you are the bad guy. It's a double edged sword. Without your husband's support, it becomes a no win situation... heck, with your husband's support it can become a no win situation.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 5:49PM
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imamommy

Just for the record, I was shopping yesterday. i was comparing juices.. some are 100% juice, other's as little as 7% with sugar water (mostly fructose syrup) and there are 36g sugar in a serving of 100% juice. Yes, there are less grams of sugar in other drinks... but that does not necessarily make them better to have less sugar. It's the TYPE of sugar and natural sugars from 100% juice are better than processed sugar that is used to make Kool Aid. Besides, 100% fruit juice contains other vitamins, antioxidants, etc. that sugar water does not ~ except the claim that vitamin C is added... BIG DEAL... have a glass of Orange Juice for Vitamin C. Better yet, eat an orange for vitamin C.

Juice in general is not good in large amounts because it is high in sugar, but it is far better than other sugary drinks and I am not even a nutritionist.. but I sure wouldn't go to one that says plain sugar (processed) is better than some of the 100% juice drinks with no sugar added.

What a crock!

If you want to have a lower sugar drink, dilute 100% juice with plain water to have a sweet drink with NATURAL sugar, not processed. There is no health benefit to Kool Aid, there is at least some in real juice...

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 6:32PM
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kkny

Sassymom,

I completely understand the uncovered bottem issue, but stil would rather just say, its going to shrink.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 6:51PM
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lovehadley

"Some may not agree that a stepmom should make decisions or that she should leave everything to the father, but that comes with the territory of being a custodial stepmom. I too have backed away from doing things for my SD10 because she has lied and makes false accusations against me, and other SD's here have done that and then it is best to step back but when you have kids around the same ages, it makes it so much harder to find peace"

Can relate to everything you said Ima.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 10:07PM
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kkny

Love, I can not remember everyone here -- I thought your DH had your SD for minimal time.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 10:09PM
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imamommy

Love doesn't have a SD. She's only said MANY times that her SS lives there 50% of the time, hardly minimal. and dad is the residential parent!

Some people need to know what they are talking about before they prepare to launch an attack!

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 10:35PM
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lovehadley

LOL. Thanks for remembering Ima. I can always count on you! :)

not sure who you are thinking of KK.

I have my bio DD and SS, both 7 yrs old. SS is with us 50% of the time. BM and DH have joint custody but DH is residential parent for mailing/school purposes.

SS is with BM from Monday at noon until Wed at noon every week. He's with us Wed. at noon until Fri at noon every week. Both parents also EOW. This is called a 5-5-2-2 split.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 11:13PM
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sassymom12

A big thank you to Ima & Love. Ima, you hit the nail on the head.I'm put in the situation(by SD's extended family & my inlaws) where I'm not supposed to parent her but am expected to go to school conf, take her to the dr, buy her clothes,stay home when she's sick & everything else a "mom" does. Her mother is not expected to do this nor does she.

To kk, I do not lie to my daughter nor my stepdaughter. I will not say the shorts will shrink. I will however be truthful & explain that it is inappropriate to walk around with her behind hanging out of her shorts(at any age)!

And as far as the juice situation: 1. I said no & do not have to explain myself to the children. 2. I did check the juice I buy against KoolAid & it has ALOT less sugar.

I am a loving, caring,involved mom! I am not a pushover, I want to be your friend mom!

    Bookmark   July 16, 2009 at 12:10AM
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nivea

OP, who is expecting you to do all of that? It seems to me it is a Dh problem.

Btw, fructose syrup is not in any way natural lol. It is not an either/or with sugar/syrup. Here is a good article to explain all of this. While one may have less sugar, it may have more harmful chemicals. Of course it is up to the person to make their own choices. Here are two good articles.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/chi-high-fructose-corn-syrup-25-jun25,0,7627724.story

Here is a link that might be useful: Fructose vs sugar

    Bookmark   July 16, 2009 at 2:05AM
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nivea

eta: I meant to put high in front of fructose syrup. Some fructose is natural, but still has similar health effects.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2009 at 2:15AM
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imamommy

Nivea, just in case you misunderstood my post on kool aid vs. juice, here's what I was saying:

100% fruit juice with no sugar added has about 36g of sugar in it. That is natural sugar as no sugar added and I read the ingredient list, no chemicals or additives.

Then there is juice drinks... they have anywhere from 7-15% real juice and are sweetened with high fructose syrup or other sweeteners, including artificial ones. (nutri-sweet, etc.)

Then there is Kool Aid and it's usually made with white table sugar which is a processed sugar. I suppose you can use Splenda or some other sweetener, but you cannot use a natural sugar (that I'm aware of) because the only natural sugar comes from a natural source, ie. fruit.

I was not saying that fructose syrup is in any way natural, it is not. It is probably worse than table sugar, which is worse than the natural sugar found naturally in foods.

I haven't read your article, but if I have time in the morning.. I'll give it a look.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2009 at 2:22AM
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finedreams

kkny I think it is ashley you thought about with SD and minimal contact. lovehadley has SS who is there a lot (drinking BM).

i sometimes confuse people, who can remember everything...

    Bookmark   July 16, 2009 at 8:14AM
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finedreams

some ADHD medications have strange side effects, aggression could be one of them. it needs to be looked at. could be wrong medication

    Bookmark   July 16, 2009 at 8:15AM
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nivea

I understood what you were saying Ima, but it was late and I didn't post clearly lol.

I dont think it is an either/or between table sugar and fructose, even natural. Both articles explain some studies on fructose and why some nutritionist prefer sugar in moderation to fructose. Also, I do believe food labels are commonly misleading. With Kool Aid, many times you can mix it yourself with less sugar than called for etc, you have more of an idea what it is in it. With a lot of juices, it may say sugar free or natural, but it is not necessarily so.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2009 at 10:43AM
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stepmomofthree

Sassy,

you are in charge and you don't have to justify your beverage choices, or your decisions about clothing, to anyone.

There's an excellent book called something like How to deal with a Difficult Child that we read to deal with the argumentative SS. It recommends the "cut off". You tell the child, "I've made my decision, and one more argument gets you a time out (or a grounding for older kids). We used this method, and it works.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2009 at 11:45AM
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