It doesn't have to be all bad......all the time
I posted here on this forum quite some time ago about having difficulty with my dh dealing with my son who has adhd. The good news is that things have definitely improved in that area. The bad news is that it was somewhat my fault that things got as bad as they did. I was blind to the fact that my son had a sneaky way of pushing dh to the limit. I guess this approach works with his bf. I know he will question and hint and pester to get what he wants because it works with his bf. Since I have been paying a lot more attention to what has been going on, and this means listening when I am not in the room with them and questioning the other children when they are around the situation, I caught onto some of the stuff going on. Dh was impatient, but golly, if I had a kid telling me that I had no business living with my family, I guess it would push my buttons, too.
I also discovered via my 18yr old daughter who sporatically talks to her bf, that he was telling my son if he acted bad enough with his sf, my dh, that I would get sick of them fighting and he could go live with his dad. This ticked me off. I asked my son about it and he told me it was true. When I explained the situation to him a little better, he understood as best a 9yr old can what was happening. His bf has whined like a baby about child support even though he didn't pay ANY for the first 3yrs, and only paid 25$ a week after that until just last December. He doesn't spend most of the time with my son he is allowed to, and buys him nothing!!! He is allowed to get him every night on alternating weeks. We only live 4 miles apart. He can get him an extra day on long weekend holidays when he is off work, on father's day and extra days over the holidays. Well, his bf's girlfriend doesn't want to be BOTHERED with another woman's child, including my daughter, so he gets him alternating weekends and only when he doesn't have the chance to work overtime. I got to explain to my son that as long as his father shows no interest in spending time with him and doesn't exercise his visitation that he is allowed and refuses to even buy him clothes to wear at his home, then he cannot live there. I also take issue with the fact that the man would choose to live with a woman who refuses to even deal with his children and insists that her son be given everything he wants.
The good thing is that once the "decision" was taken off of my son's shoulders and he was told that he would not be given the option as long as things were the way they have been, his attitude changed. He was also made to understand that his sf loved him and that it hurt his feelings when he was hateful to him behind my back. I know kids can be manipulative when the chance arises, but boy! My son was also put back on his adhd supplements and put into counseling in school for his behavior because he had been acting out in school as well. He has improved greatly and with it dh's attitude as well. Now, dh is teaching my son to shoot a junior bow and they have been working on projects together. I was also shocked to see how much better my son was behaving with me. I didn't even see how much his behavior had changed with me. He is doing better.
We also put in writing for my son the consequences of his bad behavior, so he could look at the paper and understand what was going to happen when he acted out, no matter what adult he was dealing with. The resulting discipline will be the same. That solved a lot of arguing. I am not saying that it is always smooth sailing, but it has gotten better.
The shocking news is that now, we are expecting another child. It was not planned and is kind of rough on me physically, but we are dealing and the kids are excited. I have been dealing with a pinched sciatic nerve and painful varicose veins in one leg. Dh wasn't very understanding until two things happened. He got kidney stone- quick lesson in pain for him. And I took him to a dr's appt. This was a suggestion of a close friend. The dr told him that the pain I was in was constant and sometimes uncontrollable and that if he was dealing with it- he would be moody, too. I guess it helped because he is being alot more understanding than he was. Life can get better when you deal with things head on. I recieved a lot of flack for my dealings with my family from some people on this forum and the marriage forum. I just wanted to update and maybe give some people hope that some issues can be dealt with, it just takes a while to do it sometimes.
Have a great day!