So much drama! Is it worth it?

riznahJuly 12, 2013

My fiance and I have been together for 3 and a half years. We have his two daughters every other weekend. For many of these years I have put up with their mother calling him and screaming at him for various things, and the kids constantly going to their mother reporting that we said or did things that were not done. One girl is 14 and the other is 10 and both can be very manipulative. Well, on a recent vacation their father and I got into a fight, one of our worst ones for awhile, in front of the kids. One of the kids recorded the argument and played it for the mother. The kid's mother called my fiance and gave her advice on our relationship and how we don't seem happy together. Unfortunately I overheard the phone call. She has constantly threatened to take away the kids if we go on vacation, or if we don't do certain things. Finally I had it. I never communicated with her or the kids but I finally sent her an email and told her to mind her own business. The email I got back was, "Bit*ch, you just f*cked with the wrong person!". Anyway, long story short is I've been trying to deal with this woman for many years and just got fed up with her drama. When is it too much drama? And if you decide to stick it out, how do you deal with manipulative, psycho biological mothers?

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Only you can decide if the relationship is worth the drama. Going by the experiences of other posters here, it's always going to be like this though. Your have to work out if the tradeoff between years more of the same and your relationship is positive or negative and if negative, what you are going to do about it.
Bad move having a fight in front of the kids. If you do decide to persist, try not to give them ammunition for Mom to shoot at you with.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2013 at 6:24AM
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Riznah, tread lightly. It sounds like you need to decide pretty soon if this is what you are ready to sign up for. Your fiance's children and mother are permanent fixtures in your fiance's life. They will never go away, and they don't ever have to change their thoughts about you if they don't want to. I think you know that fighting in front of the kids was not a smart move, but sometimes those things just can't be avoided.

I think that the fact that you are asking "when is enough ENOUGH" should be a red flag for you. Something within you is screaming "Waaaaait a minute! This isn't what I signed up for!!! Get me out of here!". You need to decide if this is an inner-voice that you should pay attention to, or if it is a risk you are willing to take. It is clear that you are at a crossroads with your relationship. You either need to leave or make some changes. But it can't stay the same.

If you decide to stay, I would say that it is time to have a serious talk with your fiance. You should discuss with him the fact that his ex has threatened you, and that it is HIS job to protect you and stand up for you. HE needs to draw the line in the sand with her, and he needs to let her know that she is not a part of your relationship. If she calls screaming at him, he needs to hang up. Giving her the respect of listening to her rant and rave is sending her the message that this is acceptable behavior. She needs to learn that the only type of communication that is welcome between him and his ex is anything strictly regarding the girls. I think it is safe to say that MOST relationships involving children and/or ex wives will only survive if your SO is willing to handle his own stuff with his ex. Trust me, I understand your impulse to email her and tell her to back off, but taking actions like this will not help. They will only make things worse.

I believe you and your fiance need to read the book "Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child With an Uncooperative Ex- A Hands on, Practical Guide to Communicating with a Difficult Ex-Spouse" By Julie A. Ross. I PROMISE it will help!

Good luck!

    Bookmark   July 12, 2013 at 9:41AM
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I feel for you, two girls that age isn't easy for the bio mom, let alone a stepmom. I'm thankful my husband and I didn't get together until our kids were in their late teens and 20's. That was bad enough! Like everyone said, don't give the girls or their mom any more ammo. I would limit the time you spend with them right now. Your fiance can spend every other weekend but you don't need to be around 24/7. Too much time around them will only lead to more drama and problems at this point. Take a break and spend some time on yourself and then hopefully the girls will be nicer.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2013 at 12:23PM
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Thank you all for your responses. Things got worse, as before I read your advice I emailed her again. Mostly because my fiance ended up defending her instead of making me feel protected. I really wish I hadn't said anything to begin with. She is REALLY mad and has told my fiance that she doesn't want me around the kids at all and has threatened to take him to court. I know that she has no basis legally but that's just how mad she is. Is there anything I can do to make things better or should I just let her fire burn out? Also, blessedlife90, thank you very much for the book recommendation, I will get it ASAP.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2013 at 7:59AM
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This may not apply to you, but it would apply to others. If you were with your fiance while he was married, then there will be no burning out of the fire. This may not apply to you but I know many second wives/gf who just don't understand why the ex wife is so "crazy" -( and most of the time, the ex wife is not actually "crazy", she is just responding naturally to being betrayed). After all, there cannot be THAT many crazy women in the world. :)

    Bookmark   July 20, 2013 at 2:14PM
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Amy your are right on! I have never been betrayed like that, my husband would never cheat on me. BUT I was sued for divorce after we married a few months. It seems the ex's plans with her boyfriend did not work out, so she wanted her nice safe 1st husband back, my husband. He was carrying a torch for her and I knew it. She told him she loved him and was sorry she divorced was just menopause. Since I am a lady I did not resort to being a crazy person, but no one does me that way and gets away with it. The boy friend was a secret from everyone, her family and their friends. So I made an appointment with the ex's hair dresser and told her about the ex's boyfriend and about my son and I being evicted from his house. I figured the word would spread pretty fast there. I wrote the ex's sister in law a letter telling her the same. I figured a sister in law was not as close as a sister and I really didn't want to hurt anyone, just wanted to make the ex squirm. I went to a locally own grocery store who knows my husband and the ex. He told me he had heard about the divorce and heard she had left her husband for another guy. I did not confirm or deny. I think I said where there is smoke there is usually fire. So I got even. I will say this about my husband he was very confused about his decision until he moved in with one of his kids. He took the ex out one time and decided right then he had made a mistake. She told him you had better go home before she changes the locks. I had just changed them that day. It is funny now but not back then. We were married 33 years before he died.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Sat, Jul 20, 13 at 14:47

    Bookmark   July 20, 2013 at 2:42PM
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You definitely have a crazy ex and messed up kids problem! But that's really not the big problem. The world is full of crazy people, and for the most part you can avoid it.

Your real problem that your fiance didn't defend you against his ex-wife's tirades. A relationship is based on trust, and it is essential that you be able to trust your partner to support you. If he doesn't support you with his ex, then he won't support you with his kids. That's a recipe for a chaotic, and unhappy home. Your fiance is a coward, and he'd rather throw you under the bus than take a stand with his out-of-control ex, and his meanspirited kids. You are soon going to lose all respect that you have for this man.

My advice is to move on now before you have more invested.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2013 at 12:40PM
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Some guys just can't stand up to anyone. My son and his Dad both will do anything to prevent getting into anything. The results are usually henpecked men.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2013 at 3:20PM
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'If he doesn't support you with his ex, then he won't support you with his kids'

or with anybody else.
or with anything else.
or with any sickness or any injury or any hurt or any trouble.

& everything will be your fault.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2013 at 4:30PM
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What did your fiancé say to his daughter about taping a conversation and playing it for someone else? Isn't that illegal? I would run as fast and as far as you can! This ex-wife will continue to punish her ex-husband and you, will use her kids, and will never allow you any happiness.

It sounds like she hates her ex-husband more than she loves her own children. When an ex causes this much trouble and uses her own kids, there is no peace. Those manipulative kids will turn out just like their mom unless their father starts making consequences for bad behavior. They shouldn't treat any adult with such disrespect.

Don't email this woman anymore. She is crazy and you can't fix crazy. You should thank his kids for letting you know how your life would be with them, and for giving you enough reason to get out now.

Good Luck.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2013 at 5:47PM
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