momof5angels update...divorce and moving forward

momof5angelsJuly 23, 2009

I've been on this forum for years as a stepmother and biological mother...I post today as a single mom of 2 and an ex-stopmom...I don't know if anyone remembers me but I had been raising my stepchildren and biological almost completely on my own for almost 5 years...I spent much of that time afraid of the mom/dad games that had gone on for years...being placed in the middle...having a husband who did not parent any of the children in our home and who then revealed in April that he was having an affair and wanted a divorce...

I will say to you now that being a stepmother was likely the most difficult thing I have ever done...My marriage was never good...and I knew his children would not be in my life forever. Still, I loved them like they were my own...even though I often wanted to pull my hair out because of the drama surrounding the entire situation...I took care of them as if I had brought them in the world...For the last 2 years of my marriage I hung on for only 2 reasons...The children, both mine and his and secondly my home...Perhaps there was another reason...3) I didn't want to fail in yet another marriage. I realize today that I didn't fail. My marriage didn't even fail. My husband did...

May 6th was one of the most difficult days of my life. My soon to be ex-husband came to the home after leaving the children with me for a week and he took them with him to a hotel. My SD14 cried as they left...hugged me...and as he drove away with the 3 of them, I got a text on my cellphone...It was my stepdaughter...It said "I love you." I could still see them driving away in the distance. I texted back..."I love you, too. Please don't ever forget that." She sent back "Never have, never will." How ironic is it that that very cell phone had been the source of much drama over the months...and on that day it was used for a final goodbye.

It was my oldest son's 16th birthday...and my two biological sons and I just stood on the front porch in tears, hugging each other. The month of May was difficult. Although my husband and I were buying our home together I wasn't really given a choice as to whether to sell it or perhaps even keep it for myself. My husband insisted that I was to go...He was keeping the house. I found a home on June 1st...moved June 15th...Much drama persisted over this time...from my husband driving by with his mistress and waving at me to the two of them driving 200 miles to my hometown where I moved to in order to steal the van that he had let me take in order to blackmail me for a cheap drum set I had taken when I moved. The stories of what he has put me through are horrible...especially since I moved...

As for him, he does have the house but SD has decided that she doesn't want to live with him. She is moving in with her biological mother who is moving 900 miles away to her own hometown...The same old court battles that stressed me out for the length of the marriage have come back full force. My husband apparently won custody of the boys for the moment. They will come back to live with him in a few days. Last week I cried for 2 days at the thought of these children being separated by nearly 1000 miles...Especially for SS9...his big sister was his world. How could they live so far apart? But I have no say, of course...I never really did...I hear stories now of my SS12 cursing his mother...knocking her down...I hear stories of my SD14 getting nearly naked on the back porch of the mistresses back porch with 18 year old men...while Dad is in the bedroom with the girlfriend...And, of course, there is nothing I can do. The hardest thing has been walking through a store and not counting 5 heads to make sure everyone was with me...I did that for years...No more.

Unfortunately my story is fairly typical...Yes,my husband and I spent so many hours talking, arguing and trying to "fix things." I remember back on all of the sleepless nights I spent crying and trying to explain what I needed...It seems like such a waste today...What I hope is that my story can perhaps help someone else...

Do you love your husband? Your significant other? Do you love your stepchildren? Take my advice please...let the little things go...Don't waste precious time on things that won't matter in a month...

Have you fallen out of love? Can you not see yourself being able to be a positive role model to your stepchildren? Miserable? Feel like it's a constant fight? Never going to get better? Consider pulling the bandaid off as quickly possible. I knew years ago that there was no hope for my marriage...but I stayed...and for all of the wrong reasons...If it's over, let it be over...let it go.

As for my biological sons and I...we are content in our new home for now...We spend much more time together and life is getting better everyday...Although we are hurting and scared of all the changes we are happy...we laugh more, sing more and hug more. All will be well. Very soon...very very soon...

God bless you all...

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You did all you can for them all. If he wants his daughter to be raised with those standards and his sons as well..there isnothing you can do.
You saved what sanity you had left, you save your sons....
Good luck in your new endevers....And keep posting. Your experience is still valued here in my eyes.
Be at peace.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2009 at 8:55AM
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I second everything maria just said.

I'm so glad to hear that you are doing well, even under sad circumstances...keep moving forward and definitely keep posting.


    Bookmark   July 23, 2009 at 11:13AM
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It is good to hear from you.

Your post made me cry. Mostly the part where you are your Sd were texting your goodbyes.

You are a strong woman. You are. Don't forget that.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2009 at 8:16PM
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I was just thinking of you yesterday, and wondering how you are. You've gone through some very difficult times, but you are going to be fine. You can move forward now, in your own direction and it's going to be good.
It must be hard for you and your sons right now, but staying in a bad marriage would have taken a far greater toll. Hang in there, enjoy the moments when you do feel good and take it one day at a time.

And keep posting, big hugs, Liesbeth

And what is with driving past your house with the new GF and waving? What a miserable thing to do, good riddance!

    Bookmark   July 23, 2009 at 9:02PM
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The story of your husband taking your vehicle is so similar to something my X did. The first year of our divorce was so difficult I wanted to be anyone but me. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you'll be so much stronger when you come out of it. And your SC will know you made a huge difference in their lives.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 2:12PM
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I am so glad to hear that you and your children are moving on with your lives. You were wonderful to your skids and I am sure they will always remember all you did for them. And your right, you did not fail your marriage. Your husband failed at being a husband and parent. Thanks for the update, I have wondered what happened to you!

    Bookmark   July 24, 2009 at 3:24PM
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I am glad you are moving on. i hope you can keep in touch wiht SKs espcially older SD. take care of yourself and your children. hugs

    Bookmark   July 28, 2009 at 9:06AM
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OP, I just wanted to pass along a message from doodle... she'd write here if she could.

"I just read her post and bawled my eyes out for her. I ma pregnant and emotional as it is but her SD's text made me break down. If any of you have the guts to do soo, please tell her doodle read her post, it may her cry and I hope things go well for her:("

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 12:28PM
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Ima, I've been wondering why Doodle hasn't been on here. Is something wrong? She is pregnant again? Sorry if I've missed something she's posted.

Momof5, I'm so sorry you're going through a mess right now but things will be much better after it's all over. I've been through two divorces myself and survived and am perfectly happy now.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 12:43PM
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doodle is pregnant? how did that happen? didn't she just have a baby? and her DH is constantly out of work. she is so young, how is she going to manage with 4 children? oh boy, oh my. good luck to her. she must be very strong.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 1:09PM
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" * Posted by finedreams (My Page) on
Thu, Jul 30, 09 at 13:09

doodle is pregnant? how did that happen? didn't she just have a baby? and her DH is constantly out of work. she is so young, how is she going to manage with 4 children? oh boy, oh my. good luck to her. she must be very strong."

Is ANY of that YOUR business? If you don't know how that happens, you have big problems! That has nothing to do with this thread, nor was it a point she was trying to make. All I can say is HOW RUDE!

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 1:47PM
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I hope I didn't come across as rude or nosy, it certainly wasn't my intent. Doodle was one of my favorite posters and when I suddenly didn't see her any more I was concerned. Please tell her I wish her the best, Ima.

I don't post often since I'm older and don't have skid problems but grandkids are another matter, step and bio.

My apology to the OP for hijacking her thread.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 2:48PM
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gajopa, I didn't think you were rude to ask if she's pregnant.. but it was rude for someone to question how she is going to manage, when they don't know her or her entire situation... some people can't manage with one kid and help from parents... I managed with 3 kids (2 of them 10 months apart) and no help... so that post struck a nerve like someone was judging it, or suggesting how dare they? Especially when she cannot write back and defend herself.

I also apologize to the OP for the hijack. I was just trying to pass along a message.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 4:10PM
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FD, I think gajopa was just hypothesizing that doodle might be pregnant. I dont know if anyone has any reason to think she is. Sometimes people disappear. TOS did, and I dont think she was preganant. I do agree with you that people should plan how to provide for kids.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 5:50PM
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Mom of 5,
Thank you for updating, I have wondered how you are, and how your family was coping. I love that you have the clarity to recognize your husband failed, not you. I wish you all the best.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2009 at 9:57PM
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"FD, I think gajopa was just hypothesizing that doodle might be pregnant."

that note from doddle said I am pregnant and emotional. I am just reading what it says. what's so rude to feel for her taking big task? maybe others think it is not a big deal, i think decisions to have children is a very big deal.

I feel for her how difficult it is, I watch my cousin wiht triplets and it is only now getting a bit easier when they start school and they don't have crazy BM. My cousin could not work for at least 3 years and still only works part time, her husband works, but expenses are high wiht 3 kids of the same age. Plus if one gets sick the other one is sick right away. I know how hard it could be. And they could afford live-in nanny yet they struggled.

I felt empathy for what doodle is ready to do at young age to take care of 4 children(I thought she was in her 20s, maybe i am wrong). i certainly wish her the best, but you can't make me not to feel empathy.

and as about whose business is what, if people want information to remain private and don't want people to make any comments or ask anything, then they do not post it on Internet forums. If you share information on the Internet forum then it is weird to expect others not to make any comments.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 8:12AM
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What note from Doodle said she was pregnant? Maybe it was old.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 9:26AM
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Posted by imamommy ( on Thu, Jul 30, 09 at 12:28

OP, I just wanted to pass along a message from doodle... she'd write here if she could.
"I just read her post and bawled my eyes out for her. I ma pregnant and emotional as it is but her SD's text made me break down. If any of you have the guts to do soo, please tell her doodle read her post, it may her cry and I hope things go well for her:("

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 9:31AM
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I want to apologize to everyone reading this for outing doodle, she did not post anything to announce being pregnant, nor did she ask for advice or anything else related to that. It was something she shared privately that I erroneously shared here when I cut & pasted a private message because she wanted to let OP know she was touched by this thread. It was not intended to be part of her message to OP. I've apologized to her for that, but this is getting ridiculous. It's appalling that instead of congratulations, she gets sympathy mixed in with judgments? Has anyone stopped to consider that she is deliriously happy and that money is not everything... love & happiness can't be bought! I'm sure there are some miserable people that can't relate to that, but it's true.

I also want to apologize to momof5angels because my post seems to have caused your thread to be hijacked... I'm sorry.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 10:53AM
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and I was 22 when I was together with my exBF, taking care of his 3 kids, along with my 3... so 22-29 ~ I handled six kids by myself... because he was a workaholic and focused on his career and promoting. (and money is ALWAYS an issue... no matter how much you have, it's NEVER really enough, now is it?)

Someone with just ONE kid can't understand... and watching it from the outside can't possibly tell you much about anything.. except that YOU wouldn't want to do it. Or that YOU think it's too hard. That says more about YOU than it does about the family with what YOU consider too many kids! If you ask those same people how they feel about it, I doubt they will complain and say they regret their large families.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 11:08AM
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Ima, money may always be an issue, but if one plans ahead, has an emergency fund, saves for college etc. things have a much better chance of working out. I know you have had difficult times (I think you mentioned sleeping in your car at one point). I agree with FD --- you should make certain you can support the kids you have before you ave more.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 11:13AM
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FD asked: "doodle is pregnant? how did that happen?"

Well, Finedreams, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...
(Sorry - I couldn't resist.)

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 11:22AM
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of course people can handle 6 kids by themselves if they have to and they are many young people wiht multiple children, i don't find anything that heroic about it (unless they made a concious decision such as adopting all of them). I only have one because I can't have anymore and I don't I have to be guilty that I only have one child or feel that accidentally getting pregnant is somehow more superior than having one planned child (although two-three would be nice, but oh well not everyone physically can).

It is not that heroic and difficult to get pregnant if your health allows you. Taking in consideration that doddle shared that her DH almost never works expect mowing lawns, they have no money and couldn't file for custody and her mom watches the baby it is hard not to feel empathy and concern how is she going to manage and who is goign to watch the 2nd baby and who is going to pay bills. i have no doubt she is happy but it doesn't mean i am not concerned how it is going to work for all of them.

i never said i wouldn't have more kids if i could. No, i do not think it is too hard to have more children but IT COULD be too hard under specific circumstances. i am concerned how doddle is going to manage. I hope she and kids will do fine. But it is not going to be easy no matter how one puts it.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 11:30AM
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I've never slept in my car.... unless it was on a trip where DH was driving and I took a nap.

LOL, Many people that have been hit by this economy thought they were certain they could support the kids they were having... now they are losing their jobs, homes, cars, and living with relatives and some are homeless living in tent cities. Then there are those that had kids born into poverty and have worked and made a life for themselves... that's me. and my life is better than many that went to college, had high powered jobs/careers, or thought they had it all figured out with a plan... in fact, when I read about a father offing his whole family and then himself.. and there have been more of these stories as these people that have been hit by the economy fall from grace... they can't handle the fall so they take a cowards way out. They are not poor families that have always struggled.. they are guys that lost their high paying jobs and status... guys that don't wanna live in a tent. and I'd rather live in a tent with my loving big family than be a lonely miserable person that thinks money is more important than life & love...

LMAO at saving for college...

Have you been watching the news? The whole world is having a difficult time right now financially! Who here has NOT been affected? Who here has extra money to stash away for a college fund right now? (maybe a handful, but not many I'm sure) That's funny!!!

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 11:35AM
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I apologize about the car Ima. My misunderstanding.

Ima, unemployment is around 10%, which means 90% are working. On another thread, a poster was talking about how little she received in CS. My suggestion was if she didnt need it currently to still obtain it and put in college fund. I am sorry if you find saving for college funny.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 12:00PM
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Of course no one could predict what is going to happen, everyone could lose jobs etc but still one should exercise some common sense when planning big changes. for example you do not quit your job unless you have some other plans and you do not have more kids if you have hard time supporting the ones you have etc

i just think certain things could be done first, job market is so bad now that one needs to have at least high school diploma, I know in my area even fast food places stop hiring wihtout high school diploma. My initial surprise over doodle's decision was due to the fact that she said her DH does not have neither time nor money to obtain GED (vicious circle, no diploma- no job, no job- no money to get diploma) yet he finds time and money to have yet another child. yes I am concerned that it is all going to be on her, hard not to feel for her and hard not to be surprised over some of the things people do.

of course family is more important than money. But one does not need to raise kids in poverty to show them how important is family. plenty of good loving families do not live on the streets or are uneducated. and not everyone who lives in a decent place is lonely and miserable. I just do nto understand extremes and lack of thought in decision making. oh well.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 3:27PM
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