Brutally honest to DH about SD...

leesmom3July 18, 2009

I have spent about an hour reading over posts here and it seems as if some of you give advice about like I do....brutally honest. I appreciate any advice and comments on my situation...

My DH and I have been married for a little over a year and it was love at first sight, he is the man of my dreams and could ask for nothing more from him, he is perfect in my eyes. He has joint custody of his DD who is 8 y/o and has primary living rights with us. He and his ex have been to court 4 times in past 3 yrs trying to change custody on both parts, but court seems to think its the best arrangement. She is with us during school time and with her mom every weekend and most of summer. Problem arises SD's BM is not the greatest influence on this child. She is an ex stripper, dresses very scantily, drinks and parties heavily, and is absolutely a hypochondriac over EVERYTHING. My DH just ignored most of the problems with his DD and the influences of is ex the BM on the DD's dressing, music, smart mouth, and lies, because he was a single father and worked most of the time. Now that I am here to point it all out, I feel terrible for pointing it all out. He saw her as perfect and a princess and now I feel as if I have put a cloud over their relationship. SD leaves for summer and my DH can call and call and she will never return any of his calls, however, she will call his mom and dad daily. She is supposed to come every other weekend and has said she didn't want to too many things going on at moms house. She never wants to be with us, she could care less if she see's him or talks to him and I finally had enought tonight and told him the truth as I see it. Now I could kick myself for it. This is what I said... She only wants to be here when we are doing something she likes or going somewhere she is interested in, she never calls you she never says I love you, she is only here to see her friends at school and her grandparents across town, if she is not the center of attention or put on a pedistal she is not happy, in other words she is an ungreatful spoiled brat. She dresses like a mini stripper, she listens to music I wouldn't let my kids listen to(before anyone asks - her mom supplies the clothes and music), she smart mouths me and my 3 kids and I am sick of her disrupting the household. He backs me on everything, but now says he is ready to let her go before anything comes between us. I hate it and I can't take it back, but he had to see the writing on the wall.

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I'm brutally honest about my SD to my Dh as well. And my dh , even though he does support me and loves me, he loves his daughter but doesn't want to see the 'bad' in her...but reality hits him in the face from timeto time and he realizes what i've said about her is real. Its not made up. And he too will not let his daughter come between us. But we are not in the same situ as u. She doesn't live with us and we are not her legal guardians. We are lucky in that sense cause i'm hearing she is causing hell for her Stepfather at her mothers house . I told my dh, i want none of that and will not live like that on a daily basis. As much as i love him, i will walk if it came to that.
So , dont feel guilty and wanting to take it back. Its better to be open and honest with your husband and if he cannot handle that and support the marriage he is in then he better step out of it. Just my opinion.
I am not sure if he cangive up custody of his daugther under the circumstances you have described unless her mother wants her full time. And it is her daugther and she wants her mother. Just like boys want their fathers...i think that is natural.
Your Sd is probably acting out cause she really wants her mom. Regardless how she dresses or is an ex stripper doesn't mean she is a bad mother in my eyes. If someone wants to dress scantilly its their business....and my friend was an ex stripper...she is not a bad person or a bad mother. She had to pay the bills and the 'father' was not in the pic to help her , so she needed the money. At least she didn't prostitute herself.
She dresses like her mother cause she wants to emulate her. Its normal. BUt being under your household , her father can tell her that in this home, we dont dress like that and that is that.
I think her being with her mother for the summer is exciting and she loves her ...i know she loves her dad...but yeah...girls tend to be princesses but only if dad puts her on that pedastle.
Does your husband put her on that pedastle? Does he give into her wants and everything????
SD is young, she needs to be taught that she can't have it her way all the time and not all places are interesting but that she must attend. These are taught things.
How is she with your kids???
You are married over a year, how long were you dating him before ...?
How do you 3 kids likehim?
Sorry...., alot of questions.
p.s if she mouthes off at you , its up to your husband to step in, tell her to stuff it and go to her room. She must be taught to respect others.
My husband always stepped in if his kids were out of line withme. Which for the most part they weren't. Last week my SS asked how much i paid for an item, i told him, i didn't mind but my husband quickly told him its none of your business how much money that costs.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 7:41AM
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You may very well be right about her, and I don't see any problem with opening his eyes to how she is, or rather how she seems to be because you could also be very wrong. While you are being brutally honest with him, you have to be equally so with yourself, and finding out why she does not like being at your house might not be such a pleasant fact to accept. I wonder why you have not considered that and not looked past her behavior. It's possible your children are not her victims, as it could be the other way around but not what you see. I recently learned parents are supposed to have ESP and be able to read minds because children don't tell what is really happening. I think you may be judging her too harshly for that reason and also because you seem to consider her an intruder who doesn't dress so nicely. That is nothing to blame the child for when you could easily be the better influence and have changes of clothes for her at your house as well as not allow that type of music at your house. You are not only blaming her for that but everything else instead of trying to get to the root of the problem.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 6:12PM
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"says he is ready to let her go before anything comes between us"

This is his own *8-year-old daughter*, not a stray dog with bad habits or a grown woman with the ability to take care of herself.

Dad needs to get some guidance for himself & for his daughter, & if you're serious about a long-term relationship with him, you might look into it for your own benefit as well.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2009 at 2:36PM
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there might be other reasons she doesn't like to come over, for example you disliking her, she knows that, can't hide from kids. why would she want to come over?

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 8:09AM
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I wouldn't say he is perfect if he allowed his relationship with his daughter to get to this point . . . or if he's considering 'letter her go' to save a year old marriage. Can you imagine how his daughter would feel if she had any idea he felt this way?

I agree your DH needed to see the whole picture so that he can help his daughter with the choices she makes before it's too late. MY Dh has custody of his daughter as well, and though we buy her appropriate clothes from all the 'rage' stores, she still prefers the one or two things her mom buys her at a garage sale because they are smaller, shorter and sexier. When the actions mom models get her attention then her daughter will copy it - even though they are attracting 'bad' attention not 'good' attention. SD's mom always wants to talk about make up and boys and other fun but shallow topics. We try to encourage more selfless rather than selfish thoughts, but again, mom's way is easier and nets more attention. We talk and talk about why appropriate clothing, make up etc. are important, and all we can do is hope in sinks in at some point. That . . . and hide the shorts from mom's house . . .
My point is that you have to try to work with her rather than against her. Dad ignored all this and now you're coming down on her . . . does she know why? Has anyone explained why the clothes, music, etc. aren't ok? Have you explained what future consequences they could have, or how they could hurt people's opinion of her? I do believe that kids can only be as selfish as you let them get away with. She's had 7 years of life on her terms. Now it's changing. Some resistance should be expected. She's been allowed to be the princess until now - what makes anyone think she'd react well to having that status taken away?

I think you and DH need to have a serious talk on how you can work together with SD to improve her actions and reactions. But she needs to understand WHY a change is needed. Just springing it on her won't get you anywhere.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2009 at 2:56AM
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