husband's time spent with step-children

unleadedbrunetteJuly 3, 2009

I am new to the boards and not up to par on all of the abbreviations, yet so forgive me for the longhand. I will give you the background on my situation and then ask my questions. I am looking for insight and advice and I am not perfect.

My husband and I have been married for one year. He has two children from his first marriage that live 3 ½ hours away with their mother. I have a son from my first marriage that lives here with us.

My husband does not have a normal work schedule. He works different shifts that change every three months or so or sometimes more often. He also does not have weekends off. He usually has two days off a week, but not always and the days change.

He sees his children every other time he has two days off. He leaves here and goes to the town where they live, picks them up and takes them to his fatherÂs house. These trips can sometimes be three nights long because of his schedule. My son and I do not go because it is always during a time that we are both either working or in school.

We have had his house that he had before we married for sale and we live in the house I had before we were married. Twice, his sister has driven his children here to his house, and my husband has gone over there to stay with them for a couple of days. We were not invited. We have all been together in the same house once and it was this summer. His daughter is 13 and she was all over him and in his lap a lot and hanging on him. I know I am supposed to be the adult, but it about drove me crazy. I also learned that he is much harder on my son (his stepson) than he is his own children. Is that fair?

I know that I am an adult and that I should support the relationship that he has with his children, but it is so hard because when he sees them, he leaves us. If he is working a 4 pm to 12 am shift, his days off are literally the only time that my son and I see him and he lives in the same house with us. I have tried to talk to him about it as far as time being away from us and he says that his kids come first. I agree that they should, but where does the marriage rank? I am not looking for a competition, I just want things to be fair. Is that possible? What is fair? It also really bothers me that his family came here and excluded us. Am I crazy for feeling this way?

He is now talking about going to where they live for a week this summer without my son and I. It hurts me to feel like he doesnÂt want to be with us and he obviously does not.

Any and all input is appreciated. I am just having a tough time right now.


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I think the main problem here is his work schedual. Its so limited and yes his kids are important, but once he fits them in..most of the time you and your son are left out because of his work schedual.
You can do several things here and so can he
. For him. he either needs to get steady hard hours OR try much harder at fitting in days for you guys to see one another on top of seeing his kids. If he can't, go on your merry way. You can't have a parttime husband and marriage. You obviously are not sitting well with it. So why waste more time.
You guys can buy a house closer to BM (biomother) and the kids. This way travel time is cut off and you'll have more time to play with . But again , its up to your hubby(DH) to realize he needs to balance his time with both families.
Some people are fine iwth having this separate way of living...other here are not. You have to choose whether you want to live this or not. Because what if you do move closer and he still does things not to include you? Does his daughter like you? How are the kids around you and your son?
Its not fair in my eyes to exclude you. He could bring you guys down for the week for FAmily time but he is doing it on purpose which bothers me in my opinion (IMO)
Personally, i would sit down and talk to him and tell him if he cannot fit you and your son into his busy schedual along with fitting his kids then you have to make a serious decision. Is it fair for your son too , to be excluded.
Soem people would advise you for counciling....not needed for this situ. Its up to your hubby to balance things. If he cannot and he is not providing you emotionally and not providing the marriage with time and love, Leave. Cut your losses. I'm sorry if it may turn that way but you and your son deserve someoen who includes you as family.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2009 at 6:28AM
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How have they reacted to your marriage? Were they at your wedding?

The problem is that you have set precedent in accepting his out of town visitation and allowing him to keep two separate lives. He does not sound willing to merge his past with his present and I would not want a future like that... but to each her own.

I hate to say this but if I am going to be completely honest, it sounds like you are being treated like an out of town mistress. If he has chosen to marry you but can't include you when he is with his 'family'... run! You deserve better. My SD's mom lives 3 hours away... it's not ideal, but it's not unheard of to transport that far.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2009 at 9:35AM
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I appreciate your responses and it is very helpful to me because it at least lets me know that I am not completely out of my mind for feeling like this is not right.

His children were not at our wedding. Their mother said they had other plans. I think it was actually a sleep over that couldn't have been planned before our wedding date was set. But oh, well. At first, I thought they were ok with us being married, but I don't think so anymore. Obviously.

He has a really good job and I can't imagine him being able to get anything close to it anyplace else, so moving is not an option. His work schedule really is the problem. If he had weekends off, we could have them here so that we could all be together. I would welcome it. I would have no problem keeping them while he was at work on the weekends. I have never been able to form any type of relationship with his children and I want to. I have talked to him about having someone meet us half way so that he does not have to make a 6 hour trip all at one time, but it was not in their divorce papers and their mother refuses.

I know that my son and I deserve better. That is what hurts the most. I have also told him before that I feel like the "other woman." This is my second marriage and I really wanted to be able to make this work. It sounds stupid, but it is so embarassing to be a failure. Again.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2009 at 10:36AM
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You are not a failure if your marriage does not work. It takes two to make a marriage and this is your husband's failure. He has failed to be a good husband and include you in his 'other' life. He has failed to include his children in his 'current' life.

Just because something is not in their divorce papers does not mean the parents cannot return to court when there is a disagreement regarding custody & visitation. The issue of custody, visitation, or support are never a done deal until the children are beyond the age of majority. All he needs to do is tell the court that he's now living 3 hours away & is remarried and the court will decide if BM needs to meet him halfway or share in transporting. Even if he ends up doing all the transporting... he should not be keeping his life with you separate from his life with them. When they are grown... this will continue.

It seems he knows that there will be 'blending' problems or conflicts and is taking the easy way out. He is not avoiding conflict, he's just compartmentalizing everyone to delay conflict and when events where everyone may be there, the conflicts will occur. He will either exclude you from their graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren, etc. or your presence there may cause this unwanted conflict he is currently trying to avoid. In my opinion, he will choose to exclude you.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2009 at 11:26AM
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it is weird for him to go see his kids on a different location isntead of bringing them home to his family, which includes you and your son. Once in awhile it is OK but doing it on a regular basis is wrong.

He must find the way to bring his children home to you. he either must change his work schedule or must change visitations and transportation. Time to talk to his attorney. What he is doing is not working. Sounds like he has two separate families right now. bad idea.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2009 at 11:59AM
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I'd make it really clear that HE is setting this marriage up for failure, period.
It's not right that his behavior is making YOU feel resentment, when that is the exact opposite of what your intentions are.
As far as him treating your son harsher...sometimes we are hyper sensitive while assessing a step-parent, sometimes not. Is he really treating him different or because you're feeling the resentment that you've got your x-ray vision lenses on?
I had a unique situation while growing up, so it's hard for me to understand how step families can go so awry.
My "other mother" was pure gold and took three young children under her wing. My father would have brained us if we ever disrespected her and we all knew the drill.
Their child, my younger sister, was treated exactly the same as the rest of Mom accomplished this is a testament to her sainthood.
I believe her own family warned her against marrying my father...and she was hell bent on proving them wrong :)
But you know what? If not for her, our family would have perished...she was the glue. And had it not been for my fathers support of her...well, who knows how we three could have tortured her! HEhe.
So, blended families can and do live harmoniously. Sure, they're are challenges, but EVERY family has those :)

    Bookmark   July 3, 2009 at 12:19PM
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Again, thanks for the input.

I have spoken to him about going to court to get things changed so that their mother or someone from their family can meet us half way so that we can bring them back here. He is so afraid of upsetting her because he thinks that she will keep his kids from him. I told her that if it is a court order, she will have to comply. I would like to have them here on the weekends so that we can all be together. He needs to be with his children and us.

I am going to give things until the end of the year. I am going to push for change and come up with solutions and compromises. If he isn't willing to do things differently so that we can all be together and my son and I won't be excluded, then I don't need to be married to him. My son and I deserve better.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2009 at 7:43PM
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I think that is the right call in the long run to make. Some time and a chance for his to show effort and change. If theyre not met...then its time for you to move on. You do deserve better.
You know you reminding me about something that happened last summer with my sd as well. She also at the time way 13 and did this odd behaviour of touchy feely, hanging and sitting on my dh's lap as well last summer. To top it off she would do such acts and look at me to see if i would react. I was stoned cold:) Inside i starved? possessiveness? trying to get a rise out of me??? lol..not gonna happen...i couldnt' care less if another woman was on my husbands lap. I'm not insecure and if my hubby wants to prob...get out of my life for good and get lost. And he knows it. My own best friend laughed when i told him about sd behaviour...and even my own husband tested me by flirting with another woman at a party....well didnt' that back fire. He said' doesn't he know you are the most nonjealous person in this world? hehehe...oh well.
EIther way, kids will act and people will act in such way for their own purposes. Its up to you how you will react and how you will deal with it. Be confident as a person and who you are and where you stand in life. Once that is set in stone....people tend not to push buttons cause they wont get what they want out of you. Take my sd for instance...after that incident...none followed. why> because i dont care. sitting on dad's lap at that age is just put stupidity and an embarassment for all from my perspective. If she wants to behave that way, its her issue and her dads..nto mine...
I think brunette, that you have alot of work ahead of you even if he does comply...keep patient, open minded and above all things , walk away from stupidity.

    Bookmark   July 4, 2009 at 2:07PM
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What a tough situation! 6 hours is a long way to go back and forth every other week. So I can understand why he stays near the children during those times, especially if they are in school.

But what about holidays (x-mas break, spring break, summer, etc.)? Does he get extended time during those periods where he could bring his children to your home? Even if he has to work some of the days at least he could see them before/after work and on his days off.

Have you told him that when he goes back to see the kids for a week this summer that you and your child would like to go with? Maybe make a vacation out of it for all of you?

If he resists having his kids come to your home for holidays and resists having you go with him to see the kids when possible I have to say that maybe this marriage needs to be reevaluated.

As for your hubbys schedule, I sympathize. My hubby got stuck working afternoons a few years back and has been unable to get any other shift at his job. He makes great money and with this economy it is not like finding a job doing what he enjoys and making the money he makes now is an option. It makes family life difficult and sometimes I feel lonely because I have to do so much with the kids by myself.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2009 at 3:07PM
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Given the age of the children, sounds like the kids don't want to come, and to prevent becoming estranged from them, he is keeping things separate. Not good for you but I can understand his position. But in any event, I would run if I were you if things don't change, and unfortunately, I don't think they will.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2009 at 4:07PM
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"it is weird for him to go see his kids on a different location isntead of bringing them home to his family, which includes you and your son. Once in awhile it is OK but doing it on a regular basis is wrong."

I agree. Your husband needs to spend time alone with his kids occasionally. However, by keeping his two "lives" totally seperate he is sending you a very strong message. You are not welcome in his family. I don't know if he is worried the kids will react or what but he is intentionally avoiding melding his two families. You will nver be able to bond with his kids or at the very least GET USE TO EACH OTHER if you are never around each other. DOes he plan to ditch you every Holiday to hang out with his kids three hours away. I would not be OK with that. His kids need to come to HIS home on his scheduled holidays. I would not be fine with being ditched constantly and it souns pretty constant to me.

Are you certain he isn't still hanging with the Ex and just doesn't want you to know? Maybe he's remaining buddy buddy with her for the kids sake or whatever and feels he won't be able to do that with you and your kid in tow. Just a thought. That could have nothing to do with it. Sounds a little fishy to me though.

I have to agree with IMA about the mistress thing. I would totally be feeling that way if I was put in your position. As far as him being hard on your son, you need to address that calmly and honestly NOW. Do not wait. If you feel this way it will start to breed contempt. In step situations you have to be real open.

    Bookmark   July 9, 2009 at 9:04AM
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Haven't posted in awhile but understand the seperate families thing. DH always was much harder & strict with my son, very cold. But recently moved us out of the home into a condo temporarily so SS wouldn't have to be uncomfortable with Me in our home.

I now refuse to go over to the old house at all or have anything to do with his kids. I'm done. I have no will or want to try and have a relationship with any of his family any longer. Too much water under the bridge.

If your marriage has any hope of making it your DH will have to make an effort to bring you together or else eventually you just wont care anymore.

Hope it works out for you eiher way. Do set some time limits. I hate to see anyone waste the years I have trying to bring together a blended family when in reality the husband really doesnt want that.


    Bookmark   July 11, 2009 at 12:25PM
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I just realized that i know someone whose husband cheated on her with his first wife. i completely forgot because it was awhile ago.

my friend's DH had to see his first wife in professional setting plus he visited his son from 1st marriage at his ex's house. then my friend found out he is cheating but didn't know who with. she eventually found it out it was his 1st wife! turned out he made his 1st wife pregnant while married to my friend. eventually he didn't stay wiht neither woman, but it turned out he had an affair wiht his 1st wife for quite awhile. how about i would be suspicious if my DH would go see his ex by himself.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2009 at 2:14PM
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wow,,, you know i have a coworker who divorced her husband but dated him afterwards for a looooooong time. That is just not healthy....
So he got her preg again! lol....well did your friend have kids with this guy????

    Bookmark   July 12, 2009 at 6:53AM
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yeap, she had a daughter with him when he impregnated his first wife (he already had a teenage son wiht 1st wife), then he went back to my friend and she didn't know that he impregnated his 1st wife. In fact for a long time she didn't know who he had an affair wiht or that he got anyone pregnant (until he had to pay CS again LOL), she forgave him thinking it was mindless affair.

Now listen carefully when he came back to my friend after the affair, he made hundred promices and they got back together and she had another baby. Mind you she still didn't know that he made 1st wife prgenant.

My friend is a decent woman who stuck by a moron. we all hated his guts. they of course are divorced now.

so she has two kids with him and 1st wife has 2, one of them was born during his marriage to my friend LOL

he is by the way an awful father and almost never sees the kids and doesn't help. Her kids are 17 and 7, but his kids with the first wife are like 25 and 8 or roughly so. LOL

I and all of our friends always hated this guy. he is gross. besides treating women and chidlren this way, he was always professionally dishonest. he is a journalist who was periodically in trouble for posting lies or twisting people's words in interviews.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2009 at 10:31AM
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I am a father and a stepfather, and I think what your husband is doing is incredibly wrong.

He is, in effect, perpetuating a false reality with his children by excluding their contact with you and your son.

You have been married for a year now, and everyone needs to begin accepting that there is now a blended family. Otherwise, his children may hold on to a false hope that their parents will get back together, and that your marriage to their father is just a temporary inconvenience.

His children may not be able to ever bond effectively with you because you are so far down on their father's priority list. In my opinion, when you are marrried, your partner AND your children have to come first. It's not an either or situation like you are experiencing. That provides the stability and security that children want and need.

Of course he needs to do everything he can to be with all of his children, including your son. He needs some quality time with them, but not to your exclusion every other weekend. If he is not willing to work this out with you, then I would find a good marriage counselor fast.

You need to think about the damage that your husband's actions are doing and will do to your son. He has a harsh and critical stepdad who does not want him interacting with his other children. That's not fair at all.

You need to decide what you want out of this relationship and what is best for your son. Tell your husband. If he is not willing to compromise, then you will have to consider other options.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2009 at 2:11PM
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Well........he left today to go to stay with his kids at his dad's house for 6 days. SIX DAYS. I am a teacher, so I am off for most of the summer, but the two weeks he had off this summer, he has spent with his kids. I have to go to class two days this week and my son has gone somewhere with my parents for two days, but for the rest of the week, we would have been available. When I try to talk to him about it, he says that this is the last time he will ever do it. He says that I should understand. Well, I don't. I feel like he has abandoned us. I never in a million years expected to be married and have this happen. I feel like they should be here with us and we should all be together. I can understand if they don't really want to come......I guess.......but they are children and this is where their father is "supposed" to live, so they should have to deal with it. He tells me that I have to "deal with it." When I complained about it, he threatened to stay longer. I am completely blown away.
The worst part is that I didn't know he was leaving today (Sunday) until Sat. night. I asked him when he planned on telling me and why he hadn't told me and he said it was because he knew I would be upset about it. So, all these other people in his family knew the plans for a while, but not me and I am his wife.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2009 at 11:18PM
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I hate to say it honey but I think you need to rethink this "marriage'. I wouldn't even call it a sounds more like an institution you and your son are trapped in.

Leave this man. Let him be with his "kids". I kindof doubt you are hearing the full story but either way you deserve more respect than this.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 9:16AM
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I think a few people on here have made some really good points and given you lots of good ideas/advice. Athlete2010 gave you advice that was very solid, Doodle and Finedreams too and lots of thing that I would start to wonder is if he was still "with" ex, as Finedreams pointed out...unfortunate to wonder that, but it's weird that he has to go there and they cannot come to you.

I think you need to open your eyes, it's not pleasant but you need to. Sweeby and Silver gave me some great advice awhile back, don't be a "rug", and stand up for yourself. If when you "complained" about it, he says to you "I will stay longer", I would say, "stay as long as you feel you need to". Not in a mean way, but just to let him know, "I will be busy with lots of activities while you are gone". It also sounds like he is very dominant of you. It might be very good for you if you start to plan fun activities with your son and some other Mom's when your husband is away. It'll make you busy and have some fun and it will be GREAT for your son. Like Athlete2010 said, maybe tell your husband that you may need to "consider other options" if things don't improve. I find in my marriage, we used to "share the pants" ( one wore the pants, we each "shared" the pants and each had a "leg" in the pants, but as time evolved, that changed, and I almost got my "leg" pushed out of the pants!!)Posters on here helped me to see that I had to regain my strength and stand up for myself. It doesn't mean you have to be a b*tch, you just have to make a life for yourself and your son, and if your husband decides that he wants to be a part of it, great!! :)

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 9:58AM
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why wouldn't you and your son also go and visit his dad's house and stay there with the kids? since you do not work, why didn't he ask you to come along? I suggest that when he comes back you take your son and go somewhere else, in fact you are off for summer you should be able to go and enjoy your time. do you have a family that you can go to and stay for a month or so? or in fact for the whole summer? that's what I would do.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 11:54AM
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I would be very concerned about his reaction to your complaint and his not telling you when he was leaving until the last minute.

He is exhibiting very strong passive-aggressive behavior towards you. When you try to voice your concerns, he threatens to stay away longer. So, not only does he not take your views into consideration, he has it in mind to "punish" you by repeating or extending the behavior that troubles you. So, he is harboring vindictive intent as a means to control you and prevent you from complaining in the future. This type of behavior is unacceptable in a relationship.

Not telling you about his plans to leave until the last minute is also a means to control you. He can minimize the time you have to raise questions and get honest explanations or a compromise solution. It's his way or the highway.

All during this time, he can justify his actions with, "I need to see my kids." That's true, however as their stepmom you need to see them too. They are part of your life now. If he regarded you as a full partner, he should be saying, "We need to see the kids."

I think as a first step, you should go to a good marriage counselor alone to thoroughly analyze the situation. As Doodle said, I don't think that you are hearing the whole story from him. I would not trust someone like this, and I am sorry this has happened to you.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 1:09PM
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I also think you are not getting the full story from him.

I'd be tempted to hire a PI (or heck, just a friend who could follow him) and see what he's really up to on his "visits with his kids."

Something is just not adding up. I would not rule out the possibility that he has something going on with his ex-wife. How does his family feel about her and the divorce? Would they be delighted if they rekindled things?

This whole situation is disturbing. I don't like how he threatens to "stay longer" when you voice your upset, and I especially do not like how his family seems to enable him to behave like this. Not only does your husband not respect you but his family doesn't either.

I would seriously start re-thinking things. I know it's hard and it's painful, but really, something is very, very wrong with this situation.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 2:33PM
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I said it before and I'll say it again. I think I was the FIRST to mention this...I may be wrong. I think hubby is still canoodling with the Ex.

"I don't like how he threatens to "stay longer" when you voice your upset,"

I agree with Love on this also. It's almost like he is LOOKING for reasons to stay longer. This way he could stay longer and then blame you for it. "Well if you hadn't been such a b*tch....etc.etc."

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 3:09PM
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While it is possible that your husband is seeing his ex again, he might also be seeing someone you don't know about. You have to consider that as a possiblity and understand his track record for fidelity.

His actions indicate that he knows what he is doing to you is wrong, even indefensible. Spending his entire two week vacation without you is legitimately suspicious. That is why he is not being open with you. He doesn't want to be questioned about it or be put on the spot with, "Why can't I join you - even for part of the time?"

How will you know if he is spending time just with his kids 24/7? You won't, because you aren't being allowed to have any interaction with them. They could easily disclose that they are not seeing their dad the whole time he is there. So, he could be using them as a convenient shield for his real activities.

My feeling is that his first wife saw this man for who he is, and you are just finding out.

I think that Shannon is right about developing some outside activities while you sort this out. You deserve better than to wait around constantly for this guy.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 3:21PM
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I think there are people who legitimately spend some time apart. To me the unforgiveable piece is how he treats OP's son.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 4:14PM
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I apreciate everyone's responses and opinions. I am so heartbroken about all of this. I want to do the right thing for my son and I. My son loves him so much even when he pushes him away when he tries to hug him. I don't know if I can even give things until the end of the year at this point. He promised that he would call me every night that he was gone and he has not called me once and this is the second night. He sent me a text earlier telling me he would call me later and hasn't. I feel so foolish and stupid for dragging myself and most importantly, my son through all of this. I am so sad. :(

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 10:38PM
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Unleaded, hugs.

If your DH has no real feelings for your son, I would suggest the pain will get worse the longer your relationshhip continues.

Perhaps your son is hungry for a male presence. Is there an uncle or someone who could pitch in?

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 10:44PM
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unleaded, many of the prior posters may be right. The more details you provide, the more it sounds like your DH is not actually visiting his kids, but is cheating. I would start snooping around, if I were you.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 7:54AM
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As a husband, he is keeping decisions from you. He had lied and is just basically making you hang on. He made the decision to go to his dad's house for 6 days after you spoke with him the first time. Then when you bring it up again, he threatens to stay longer? Call him over at dad's house and tell him to stay there indefinitely and start paper works for divorce. WHy are you torturing your son? he pushes him away when your son hugs him...oh nooooonooonooo.. i would dump this guys butt out the door.
He's gone for 6 days.
1. Change the locks
2. Call him and tell him to stay longer there with his kids.
3. File for divorce.
Is it your house or his?
If its his completely , pack up and find another place.
If its yours, move all his crap out , call his dad, and tell him the day before he is to come home that he has to make arrangements for all his property to be removed and for him to stay at dads longer.
If its both your houses, stay there, wait till he comes home and tell him in his face , its not working , sorry we're filing
I know you love him but you can do better and you and your son deserve better. Your dh has chosen to have 2 lives and treat you liek an outcast should be blended. YOU shouldn't have to deal with it. HE is theone who has to deal with it.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 9:07AM
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I actually have a suggestion. Could you contact his exwife and ask what is going on and why he does things this way. you might find something out. maybe he doesn't even go to hsi dad. maybe he is not even visiting kids. Maybe you could also call his dad and maybe your DH is not even there. I would start making phone calls.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 9:38AM
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kkny it is perfectly fine to spend time apart but telling his wife that he will be gone for a week a NIGHT before leaving is unacceptable. it doesn't matter if he goes to see kids or goes fishing.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 9:39AM
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Ok, that I agree with. Unless family or business emergency. But I still think treatment of son is worse.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 9:51AM
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Oh I feel so bad for you & your son!
My son was excluded a lot too especially the first few yr.s, when he got in his late teens he really stopped caring about it but I will tell you I have tons of regrets about staying when he was treated so unfairly and harshly compared to my husbands biological children.

Lucky for me my son does not resent me for it, but I'll never forgive myself for making him live in that environment.

If your DH can't show your son some affection & treat him at least with kindness and caring do yourself a favor and leave now.

Hugs to you.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 3:43PM
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Right now, I think you need to be primarily focused on what is real and what you have seen. Your son has been pushed away when he has tried to hug his stepfather. To me, that is abuse and it is unacceptable.

Based on his history, I am concerned that your husband will become more abusive over time - especially when he is lying to you and treating you the way he does.

Why did he marry you in the first place? I suspect that he asked you to marry him under false pretenses.

I am not surprised that he didn't call you when he said he would. If you want to text him, tell him that you are only available via a phone call. Then stick to it, and don't reply to the rest of his text messages while he is gone.

While he is away, you have a great oppportunity to meet with a good divorce lawyer and get the support of friends.

When he returns, you should request that he move back into the house he had before you married. He can easily take it off the market.

There are too may red flags with this guy. You deserve better and it's not your fault that the marriage has turned out this way. It takes two to make a marriage work and he has totally failed you.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 4:10PM
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i've reread your post, so the house is yours.
Please think very clear for your son's sake. He cannot have two separate families here. That is life, they need to accept their father has a family and that you will be blended. But he is the one creating this separation and keeping his kids from you. I dont think his kids even have a chance of getting to know you and evne forming an opinion of you at this stage and its been one year.
Pack his stuff and tell him to go. Your place. You have some time on your hands. Call his dad's house and tell him he is no longer welcome back to your home. Since he fancies the time apart , he can take a loooooong time apart from now on.
I know you love him. I know its heartaching. I know its a second failed marriage...he failed not you. He failed to blend both ends, he failed by not including you. Again. 6 days leave, you are on vacation, why didn't he say for you to tag along one day even out of the 6???? He separates you. Its wrong,. Its abusive. And you son was pushed away from trying ot hug him??? My blood boiled reading that. Sorry....boot him out ...your son and you deserve so much better.
some people would advise counciling....if this man hasn't changed after talking to you , its obvious he is just nodding at what you say, throws it out the window, he doesn't respect you and no amout of counciling will change how a grown man is acting towards you.
so he maybe cheating....well...lets stick tot he facts. You dont know that for sure...but waht you do know is your are being treated as a stranger and threaten for more punishment. Its awful.
Please boot this man out for the sake of your son, yourself....and find someone who will truly love you. Truly say, 'i'ld love to be all together on vacation, if we have problems, we'll face it together...'...Not, i'll leave for longer if you keep harping me...what are you? his daughter, a child? You are his wife. WIFE. A partner. The vows he took are not being honored.
He hasn't sold his house. Its a sign. Tell him to go back to his old house and live there separate and in his own world.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 9:17PM
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Pathetic update

My husband was supposed to be back this morning from visiting his kids. He promised. Well, guess what? He is not back and he has turned his cell phone off.

I know so many of you said to just go ahead and get rid of him, it is just so hard. I do have my own house, and I can support myself. It is just so embarassing to screw up again and I feel like such a failure. I guess this is probably a post for another board. One about divorce. I just really thought he was a good person and I trusted him with me and even worse, I trusted him with my son. My son does not spend very much time with his biological father and had begun to call him "Dad". I am so angry with myself for letting my son get attached to him because now he will be hurt. Anyone have any advice on how to handle that part of this whole deal? How do you help your children when you divorce their step-parent that they had a relationship with? I don't want my son to hurt.

The good thing is that we don't have anything that will need to be split up or anything like that. I have a few boxes at his house, and that is it. I apreciate everyone's postings and advice.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 12:32PM
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You tell your son the truth -- it wasnt working out, and you and he deserve better.

IMHO, I would also look to family and freinds for an uncle or pseudo uncle to fill the void in SSs life.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 12:53PM
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i am so sorry....
now you would be surprised how mature and understanding can kids be. your son will understand. don't be embarassed at all. neither you nor your son needs this. and I agree with kkny, talk to male family memebrs to help wiht your son and male roles for him. you'll be fine. split quickly though, do not drag, move on fast before you change your mind. good luck, you will be just fine without this crap.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 1:24PM
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I feel for you. I love my DH dearly, and it's not the same situation as yours--my issues for *contemplating* leaving from time to time have to do with endless, escalating drama from the BM. IT's not my husband's fault (entirely) and I don't want to hurt him. But mostly---my DD (7) is extremely attached to him and I don't want to hurt her. :(

So I totally get your feelings and worries about that.

BUT--your situation is different in that, honestly, this guy is emotionally abusive to both you and your son. No matter how attached your son is, this IMO is NOT a man you WANT your son to look up to and emulate. He is not a good role model. Do you want your son to learn from him that this is how you treat women?

You will be doing RIGHT by your son in getting this man out of your lives. Tell your son that, just like KK said. Tell him that this man IS not good to either of you and you both deserve better. The sooner you get him out of this situation, the better it will be.

I am really sorry. :( I know it hurts. You will be FINE though, better than fine, you will be GREAT when you get this jerk out of your lives.

Sorry to be blunt---but he's cheating! turned his phone off? Not home when he said he would? I can't think of anything other than cheating!

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 1:44PM
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Your son may also be relieved. The only way to know for sure is to talk to him. The one thing that keeps sticking out to me is how you seem to be blaming yourself or considering what YOU'VE done as failing... you have not failed! You are the one that is willing to accommodate him and have been supportive of him seeing his kids on his terms, whether that's what he's been doing or not. He is the one that is failing his marriage, NOT YOU!!!

I guess you might need to come to terms with the fact that you chose the wrong guy... but if you learn from your mistakes, then you are teaching your son that people make mistakes and it will be okay... you can learn from your mistakes and try not to make the same mistake again. That's what life is all about.

I wish you luck~ and strength!

    Bookmark   July 18, 2009 at 1:45PM
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