wantingafamilyJuly 13, 2009

Hello Everyone,

I feel very overwhelmed and trapped right now. I don't know what to do. SD does not like me; hasn't since her dad and I got married. My husband divorced his ex because she does drugs, doesn't work, and steals. SD has some of her mother's characteristics (but not the drugs). She lives on and off with mom, mom's boyfriend, and her boyfriend (Her boyfriend and mom's boyfriend are father/son STRANGE STORY). Anyway, none of them have jobs. When they get jobs they either quit or get fired for stealing or not showing up.

When SD is away I feel relieved, but sad because my husband is hurt. When SD is here I feel stressed, sick to my stomach, and a little scared.

Today we went over to my parents house. My husband invite SD. She brought her boyfriend to my parents house for the first time. My parents were not very happy because I've told them some stories about what goes on with that lot. But what was I going to say...No you can't come. Anyway we were playing cards and she said she and her boyfriend were going to go watch TV. I notice them going all through out the house so I went to the bathroom. I think I startled them when I found them coming out of my parents bedroom. I think she was showing him around the house, but I don't know for sure. The point is I really don't trust her or her friends. I don't like living like this, but I got myself into this mess. Now I ended up getting my poor parents involved. I just hope they weren't casing their place.

I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do. I don't like that she has a key to our house and knows the password for our alarm. I don't like that she's at our home doing who knows what while we are at work. And now I don't like that she was snooping around my parents house with her boyfriend.

When she is gone it is somewhat better for me, but not much because my husband is not happy with her gone. Therefore he can not be happy with me. Deep down I think he blames me for her not living with us all the time. We went through so much with her at the beginning of our marriage. I don't know if our relationship can be repaired. Plus I am on a constant roller coaster not knowing when she will show up again. I hate living like this. I have been hoping for her to make beter life choices, but it hasn't happened. I don't know if this will ever happen. I do know she is his daughter and he will always love her and accept her for whatever she becomes and she will always be in his life. With that in mind I don't know if I want to continue to be in his life. I am so tired of this. I don't know what to do.

We have a son together who needs both of his parents... Who I don't want to put through a divorce. Who if we got divorced would surly be left unsupervised around SD and friends when my husband got visitation...Listen to me I'm talking like I want a divorce...I still love my husband and my son needs both of us...How can we make this work???...

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How old is your SD?

How long have you been married?

How old is your son?

Also, specifically what are some things your SD has done to make you not trust her? I need some examples to understand the full picture.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 10:45AM
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"my husband is not happy with her gone. Therefore he can not be happy with me."

I really do miss Ann Landers.

She'd say hubs needs to "wake up & smell the coffee".

His daughter has some really dire issues & problems, & your being in the picture or out of it makes no difference.

& you *know* the charming couple was at least casing your parents' house, maybe actually going through drawers & jewelry boxes.

This girl is poison, & her father enables her.

Your son "needs" a healthy atmosphere, not a toxic one.

& you can't make a relationship or a situation work when the other adult in it is actively & energetically cutting the ground from beneath you.

"Love" is a decision & you can change decisions.

Consult an attorney about custody & visitation arrangements;
If this girl is as toxic as you say, the court can order that she not be in her father's home when your son is there.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 5:20PM
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Nobody should feel trapped! SD does not sound like she will change because she has both parents enabling her behaviors. I would think she was casing your parents home.

If hubby can not enjoy his time with you when his dd is away then what is it that holds you to him? A child? Well it does not sound like he is being much of a parent to that child anyways if he is so preoccupied with his dd.

My advice is try one last discussion on this all. Be brutally honest about your feelings and your wants/needs. If he can not make you happy then you owe it to yourself to get out of this relationship/marriage! An unhappy homelife is not productive to raising a child anyways.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 7:16PM
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I am a dad and a stepdad. First, I would keep SD away from your parents as long as she continues to behave the way she does.

Next, I would put your small valuables and important papers in a bank safe deposit box. You might also consider getting a metal filing cabinet with a key lock that you could store in your bedroom closet. The cabinet could be used for bank statements, tax returns, and anything with your social security number on it.

If you have a video camera, you could videotape your other valuables and get them insured.

You should tell your husband that you want the locks and passcode changed. Instead of saying that you don't trust her, blame it on her boyfriend or other drug using friends. Also, say that you don't want her friends going through your husbands's things. Therefore, she should not have a key or know the passcode.

I would insist that you or your husband has to be there when she visits. You cannot have her drug using and stealing friends in your house unsupervised.

Your husband has to stand up and be a man who protects his wife and young child from potential harm.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 9:00PM
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Athlete had some good advice -- please remember many parents go through issues with their own bio teens, it is not just steps.

If dad feels he is turning his back on SD, I would suggest to him he tell SD she is welcome evernight, as long as she is there by [pick a time -- 10, 11?] without BF.

Has dad even said to SD, hanging with your BF is self-destructive, what are you doing to move forward? etc. Sorry if I didnt read your post thoroughly, but what is status of SD, has she finished HS, dad needs to talk to her about this.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2009 at 9:47PM
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Thanks for the advice.
I'm so torn right now. I don't want a divorce. I love my husband and my son. I just don't know if I will ever be able to feel comfortable/safe around his daughter and I know his daughter will always be in his life. It's very hard to talk to my husband about this issue because I know it hurts him. I don't think he feels he is putting us in danger when she is around. He doesn't see, or maybe doesn't want to see, the problems at hand. I just keep waiting for her to change. I also think athlete has some good advice. I have already done some of the things he mentioned. She hasn't taken anything big or expensive from us that I know of. I'm just worried that little things will soon add up to bigger things. Thanks again.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 1:16PM
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Go back & read your last post as though someone else had written it;
you're accepting the unacceptable & wishing for a fantasy.

She hasn't taken anything big or expensive????

That day is coming, & if one of her boyfriends is involved, there's always a physical danger; if you or your husband or your son surprises someone stealing something, you could get killed.

It *hurts* him????
Tell him to put on his big boy underwear & grow up & put a stop to this nonsense.

Your husband isn't facing reality, *& you're going along with it.*

You aren't happy, you're uneasy, you live in constant stress & dread, your belongings are going to be stolen (how does it feel to know that your belongings have no doubt already been sifted through & assessed?), & eventually reality will become impossible to ignore.

maybe when the daughter calls from jail, sniffling & crying & saying she's skeered & she needs her daddy to get her out.

maybe when one of her boyfriends gets angry at you or your husband for who-knows-what & burns down the house or kills somebody

& you "love my husband & my son".

You love your husband too much, & you don't love your son enough.

You're *living* in a crisis, & you aren't doing anything about it.

If you love your *son*, you'll put a stop to this nonsense, no matter what it takes.

If hubs "doesn't want to see" the danger you're in, you certainly can't make him do it.

So your decision is to live in constant uncertainty, dread, & danger, or call his bluff;
tell him to put strict restrictions on his daughter & enforce them consistently, or he's outta there, that you aren't going to live in a crime zone & you aren't going to raise your son in that environment.

The possible outcomes:

1. Husband will straighten up & act like a grown man, husband, & father.

2. Husband will refuse & you'll stand your ground & he'll leave.

3. Husband will refuse & you'll buckle & keep on living like you're living now, & when daughter has to have bail money & a lawyer, or when somebody gets hurt, you'll keep right on wailing, "I don't want a divorce, I want reality to be different."

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 3:07PM
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