Need advice please....stepson!

mommy08June 20, 2011

I am 25 and I think I have had enough of my 9 year old stepson. I have tried everything to show all the love and respect to him. I think he is at the age where he knows what the situation is as far as his parents go. I have known him since he has been 2. When everyone said it only gets worse as they get older, yes they were right. I have also a 2 year old and a 1 year old with my husband. We are a happy family during the week, but when my stepson comes over it is nothing but arguing and fighting. My stepson is rude, disrespectful, spoiled brat, just plain evil. I understand that he comes from a split home. I just don't think believe that just because he comes from a split home, Me and my children have to be a victim of hid bs every weekend. My husband is blind to how bad he is. Even when friends and family have confronted him on this. Let's take a short example. I went to pick him up from his mother's house last weekend. He gets in the car is swearing, than when am driving he thrashes his shoes at my head. Than proceeds to start kicking my head with his bare feet. Hard. Please understand that I try to raise my voice and lay my foot down he just does not care. So I called my husband and told him how he was acting. We got home he just looks at my stepson and said Hi how are you!! Personally, I think that after I try to take care of this situation and my SS still continues to disrespect me. It's husband's job as a parent to take care of his disrespect to me. My husband does not care if anything he will raise his voice a bit and it's over no consequences. How will my SS ever learn.? We argued over the phone while I was out shopping, because I did not want to come home to my nasty stepchild. I am up to my head of every weekend putting up with this. It's eating me inside.I come home because my mother in law talked with me and convinced me to come home. There he is playing Wii, by the way when I was on the phone earlier with my husband upset my SS was on the laptop. I feel that I can't take this anymore am not being selfish please understand that.It's to the point when I know he's coming over I get sick to my stomach. Even if he's not coming till Sat it's in my head all week that I have to see him. To add he hates my 1 and 2 year old. Is nasty to them. They don't know better they just want to be loved and accepted by him. I will not be like other selfish people and dare tell my husband to pick between me and my stepson. I would never do that......I have tried everything to make this situation work but it is wearing on me now health wise.I know you can't make some one feel something they don't for you.But what he did in the car is a glimpse of what I have to deal with every week.Thank you for your help sorry so long:)

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

How much more of this are you going to take before you confront your husband that something needs to change? Youve been telling us since November and yet everything is the same or worse.

First it was the cruel abusive treatment to your 2 year old, now it is physically assulting you while you drive. I sincerly hope you did not have your young children with you while you picked up the SS...all four of you could have been killed or hurt in an accident. Why you did not immediately pull over, phone your husband and sit and wait for him to make an arrival is beyond me.

The last time we heard from you, Dad was ignoring the SS's behavior and acting as if it did not exist. Kid was tormenting a 2 year old and Dad was ok with it, even encouraged SS to 'watch' the baby while knowing full well the abusive actions SS has toward the smaller child. Now SS is pitching shoes at your head and kicking you while you drive.

You seem to have two problems going on 1) a SS in deep need of therapy and perhaps a diagnosis along with treatment plan and 2) a husband who does not take enough responsibility as a parent to see that his son gets the assistance he needs and who prefers to sit around in denial while putting his other children/you in danger and terror.

It's long past due that you have a frank discussion with your husband that this can not continue. If he does not step up and be a father...and that would include seeing that his oldest child recieves the help he needs...and protect you/your younger children that you will remove yourself and younger children from this environment.

You must also make it clear that you will seek no visitation rights between your husband and your youngest children as you can prove DH can not and will not protect them against the other child.

You just can't 'have your cake and eat it to' so to say. You want a happy home (which you don't have) and you want your two youngest children to have a father (which this one is failing as a father) and you don't want your children to be of a split family (which is unrealistic if the family they have is a danger and dyfunctional for them)...this one is unsafe and unhealthy.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2011 at 3:16AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"I understand that he comes from a split home. I just don't think believe that just because he comes from a split home, Me and my children have to be a victim of hid bs every weekend."

Kids from split homes don't have to act this way. My DD is from a split home yet certainly never acted like this. Hits you on the head? Swearing? Throws shoes at you? Mean to babies?

First of all I would never again picked him up from his mother's, it is dad's job or he can hire a babysitter. I would not be watching him or babysitting by myself ever, it is dad's job. If dad wants his son around HE will be picking him up and watching him. I would flat refuse. Yes i would tell DH that if it happens more time you are going to leave and take the kids.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2011 at 9:47AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

" I went to pick him up from his mother's house "

Stop right there. DAD needs to do all transporation.

You've got some big problems going on, and the BIGGEST one is NOT, contrary to how it may seem, your stepson. Nope. It's his father, your husband.

He is ignoring his son's increasingly violent, dangerous and disturbing behavior. This kid is crying out for help and boundaries and firm love and he is NOT getting it. I don't know what the heck would be going on in his life to make him act like that but it's something and it's serious.

This is not normal behavior!!!!

And if your DH doesn't wake up and realize that, then, yes, you need to take your two kids and leave.

"You must also make it clear that you will seek no visitation rights between your husband and your youngest children as you can prove DH can not and will not protect them against the other child."


    Bookmark   June 21, 2011 at 11:29AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thank you guys so much for the helpful advice:)

    Bookmark   June 21, 2011 at 1:51PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Mommy08, I know exactly where you are coming from. I have also known my stepson since he was 2, and for years I tried to love him and take care of him like he was one of my own (my husband and I have 3 children together.) He was always surly and ungrateful but I put it down to bad raising on his mother's part. That woman is crude, vulgar, mean, a compulsive liar. Anyway, once he got near his teen years he actually became blatant in his disprespect. He would grin at me as I told him he had been rude and needed to apologize. He was being reprimanded on a constant basis at school (my husband would never call the school and get a meeting, that should have warned me just how far his head was stuck in the sand.) I finally could no longer deal with him. Like you, I would begin to dread his visits a week in advance. Worse than you, we actually had him for 2 weeks at a time AND my husband travelled for work so it was me and my kids alone with him. Actually, I doubt it would have mattered in the long run. My husband isn't going to admit that his son has a huge attitude problem, his being here would have just meant more frustration for me. Finally, I decided I could no longer have SS visit. This nearly broke apart my marriage. My husband accused me of turning my back on "our" son. Now this kid wasn't "my" son when I wanted him disciplined or when I thought my husband should call the school and request that they paddle his 12 year old behind instead of putting him in in school detention twice a week. Nope, then it was none of my business and I "hadn't raised a preteen yet." Guess what? Neither was my husband, to me "raising" denotes actually being involved. Anyway, I digress, since then SS only comes around when my husband is home. I try to make myself scarce and my primary care doctor gave me xanax so I wouldn't be so tense and anxious when he's around. He is now almost 16 and he is worse than ever. He is getting in fights at school, we took him on vacation with us (9 days of an ungrateful, whiney teenager is NOT fun) and he actually was going out of his way to "shoulder" people and almost knock them down. Seriously, he was stepping over a good two feet and ramming them so hard they spun halfway around. My husband insisted that he was only making his way through the crowd, that those people were walking on the wrong side and were in SS's way. Whatever, if you have to move 2 feet to your side to hit them....they aren't in your way. He is a big kid (not fat, just BIG and solid) and the day I saw him do that to a guy who was probably all of 5'5 and 150 lbs I knew I was done. I will never go anywhere with him again, he made my vacation miserable.

To everyone who has suggested she do this or that - it may not be that easy. If I refuse to pick up SS or whatever and want my husband to do it as it's "his job", I get yelled at and threatened with divorce. I've since learned that is a smoke screen. He just wants to try to "make" me do this for his kid, and (to be honest) if he wants to divorce me because I won't put myself out for a kid who is rude and disrespectful to me then LET HIM. But I do hate the drama it causes and that my kids notice that Daddy and Mommy are fighting. They are big kids themselves (youngest is 7) and they know when things are super tense. I am weighing my options now and trying to decide how to get away from my SS and my husband's family (who seem to have my husband's misplaced sense of loyalty - never admit the kid needs his attitude adjusted, it's always someone else's fault.) The thing is, also like you, when SS isn't around we have a lovely family dynamic. For whatever reason, my husband feels disloyal to his son if he feels the same way I do about this kids bad attitude. I think he feels like his son will feel "ganged up on". Uh, it's called UNITED FRONT and many parents do it, and it's not "ganging up" if the kid is truly in the wrong. Please start looking around for ways to get SS out of YOUR life. Let your husband see him all he wants but you shouldn't be subjected to abuse by a nine year old. It won't get better, it WILL get worse. Right now I'm mad at MYSELF because I've sunk 13 years into this marriage and I don't even get a say in how my life goes. I have three kids to support, but if I didn't (or if I had a job that paid enough to support them on my own) I would be gone yesterday :( I love my husband but he is like Jekyll and Hyde when his son is around.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2011 at 11:41AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Can't Accept My Stepson
I don't know what it is but I just can't stand having...
7 year old step son troubles please help
Hello everyone, I need some advise please. I have been...
My SO suggested that I share a bed with his 11 year-old son!
For the last 3 years, I've been in a relationship with...
New- Really need help..
Hi I am new here but hoping as people in the same...
if I could tell stepmothers of adult children anything
My dad remarried last year, a year after my mother...
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™