Adult stepdaughter week

thurmanJune 23, 2012

Hi folks~

The adult stepdaughter arrived on Monday. She is leaving Sunday. It was, all in all, not a bad week. Mostly minor irritants each day, quickly gotten over. Happy the week went bye and sure glad it is over.

One major irritant. My wife decided to have folks over on Friday. The S/D decides she is going to "greet" guests and walk them to their car, tell them they can take platters home, act like she is a co-owner of our home when she is simply a one-week visitor, etc. It was almost like she and my wife were the spouses. It was sickening. She just does not know her place.

Wife is to blame. Once I told a guest they could take a platter and she became unglued telling me "it's not your place, the kitchen is my domain!" and words to that effect. And not very nicely. Yet her daughter does it without any inhibition. I tried to tell my wife to get her in line...but to no avail...the kid helped my wife in the kitchen all day, so she does see her as the co-host more than me. Imagine that?

Oh well, this drive to the airport tomorrow should be cheering and glee will be endless, but silent.

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Well, Thurman, if you got from Monday to Friday evening before finding something to feel displaced over...I'd say that is a big improvement. And away she goes now in a few hours. So go ahead and silently cheer with glee. Woohoo, you both survived another visit and for the most part it went rather well.

As an aside, next time if it is not you who has planned the menu and cooked all the food, you now know not to offer it away as the guest leave. The one who does the planning, shopping and preparing obviously does not feel you get any say with the operations of her kitchen and who she welcomes into it, who she eliminates from it and with who she shares the bounty from it. You, sir, have been evicted from the kitchen. You best just stick to the front room and entertain the guest...your next evening of co-hosting a get-together in the home would be enjoyable for all concerned.

I'm going to go all out on a limb and suggest the event was at least partially planned in celebration/in honor of SD being home. If so, SD would have appeared very rude not to have greeted as guest arrived and escorted as guest departed. Was son home too? If so, I'd bet he was expected to greet/say goodbye. It's just the proper thing to do when invited guest come to visit.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2012 at 4:37AM
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You annoy me, and I don't even know you. I can't imagine how your SD must feel, so keep that in mind everytime you get annoyed by every little minor thing she does.

I think you are just a control freak, jerk who probably feels all women should "learn their place". I would venture to guess that you wouldn't be annoyed at all if your son had done the same things that SD did. If you were a Step-mother rather than a Step-father, I would venture to guess that people wouldn't be quite so delicate in telling you that you are being a total B____ about your SD.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2012 at 2:03PM
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Raek ... we have told him over and over he's an A$$ ... and I could care less about his rants about his issues.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2012 at 7:31PM
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Sometimes when a person is unendingly enraged at someone who isn't doing anything objectionable, there's some other problem that the angry person is powerless to solve.

like kicking the dog because your boss chewed you out & you couldn't retaliate.

If you get in the habit of kicking the dog every time see it, you may find yourself thinking that the dog can't do anything right & that everything is the dog's fault.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2012 at 9:29AM
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I'm actually enjoying Thurman's rants. Thank you Thurman.

I'm going through a divorce, my world is crumbling, my child is away for the summer, I'm having a mess of a time with my emotions and trying to keep all the balls in the air. On top of that, my stepdaughter is no longer my stepdaughter, and you know, I really miss her.

And you come on here to complain because your adult stepdaughter visited and didn't do EVERYTHING EXACTLY as YOU wanted it.


That's just rich. It just goes to show there are different levels of coping ability. I truly hope you are never really in the fire Thurman... whatever would you do?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2012 at 10:37AM
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You have a wonderfull step daughter count your blessing it could always be worse

    Bookmark   June 26, 2012 at 12:19PM
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Old Irish proverb Silver, DONT LET MY GRIEF ROB YOU OF YOUR OWN......The man feels disrespected in his home by his stepdaughter...Petty to many, paramount to Thurman.....I have a PILLAR of the church ss that treats me like garbage, I GET THURMAN......I think everyone should stop throwing stones at this guy....

    Bookmark   June 26, 2012 at 9:51PM
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Yes, but Thurman has never, ever given even one example of how his SD actually disrespected him. It's simply her existence that bothers him.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2012 at 10:20PM
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I was actually serious when I wrote things for Thurman sounded like an improvement. Thurman even this time put the blame of his feelings of displacement smack on his wife instead of the usual of being bad bad SD. (I'm not saying the wife is displacing Thurman or is actually to blame for the whys/hows of Thurman's issues, I'm saying she triggers them)

None of what Thurman wrote pointed to any disrespect towards him from SD. It was what he percieves as disrespect and being displaced in his home aka role of co-host by his wife's actions that set him off and turned little annoying things of the week into major by the time the social event occured.

I think Sylvia has it correct when she pointed out the 'boss' yelled at him and he takes his frustration out on the easy target aka 'kicks the dog'. He does not feel he can 'kick' his wife (the offender) so he vents about the easy target, the SD.

Basically the SD did no wrong in the social evening. She helped her mother prepare all day, greeted guests, made them comfortable in the visit to the home, then warmly escorted them during departure. I'm sure Mrs Thurman was in her heights glory to have daughter helping and showing herself to be a gracious hostess. 'Who the heck needs Thurman, I have my daughter' so to say is not likely true but in Thurman's mind the percieved message comes across loud and clear. Rather like when SD kindly gave her brother the college care package. In Thurman thoughts that translates into 'Who the heck needs Dad, I have my sister'

For Thurman though the evening showed (in his mind) that he is the outsider when the family gets together. He's underfoot and not necessary and can do no right aka displaced. Reading Thurman's December post of the New Years visit points it out fairly well. In that one he is annoyed with wife for planning all kinds of activities while SD was home. Something he states she is 'too busy' to want to do while none of the kids are home.

When the SD is coming everything changes in Thurman's house, for Thurman at least. His sense of security shatters. His sense of being 'the man of the house' poofs. His sense of importance to the husband/wife relationship as a couple and his own percieved ideas of the man's role in his own home goes right out the window.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2012 at 7:24AM
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I think JMT is right on how Thurman feels.
Notice he says

"It was almost like she and my wife were the spouses."

"She just does not know her place."

Maybe he feels like SD is taking his place.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2012 at 8:17AM
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Maybe so, but he needs to grow up. I just think it's so ridiculous that he has a Step Daughter who actually does treat him fairly kindly and she does seem to be at least somewhat respectful to him and he can't just let things go and stop feeling like the victim all of the time. He chose to marry a woman who had a daughter and then he gets all upset because his wife loves her daughter and enjoys spending time with her. There is nothing this girl could do, short of vanishing, to ever be considered anything other than a pain-in-the-butt to Thurman.

I just find it incredibly annoying that anybody would take this attitude toward their step-child when that step-child has really done nothing to warrant it. I feel that it is Thurman's job to step out of his own head and make an effort to be kind to his SD and to make her feel good about their relationship. He should be helping to make her a part of things rather than trying to make her feel like an outsider. And, if he couldn't bring himself to do that, then he should not have married her mother.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2012 at 12:13PM
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I never have gotten the sense that Mrs T puts her daughter before Mr T, but rather that Mr T doesn't want Mrs T to love anybody but him & his own blood/DNA progeny, & he doesn't want anybody else to love Mrs T.

He wants to be Mrs T's whole world, & Mrs T won't cut ties with her daughter, & her daughter won't cut ties with her.

& I bet that both Mrs T & her daughter would be shocked to read the things that Thurman has written here.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2012 at 3:15PM
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Which, I too, think is the issue, Sylvia. It's not something Thurman can just 'step out of his mind' or 'grow-up' about. The displacement happens only in the way Thurman views things. I doubt Mrs. T has any clue of the wild little thoughts running through Thurman's head.

Thurman has chosen to play 'victim' in my opinion because playing 'victim' for Thurman is easier than perhaps reaching out for help, digging into the dark spaces. Whatever and for whatever reasons is ticking around up in Thurman's head is real for Thurman. I just don't think the issue exist for anyone else in his life... because the issues do not exist except for in someone's imagination. They are all moving along quite nicely. SD is a dr with her own busy life. Son is just finishing his first year at college and preparing to get up and out into the world, and Mrs. T is happy she has two children who she loves every much and who both love her. A spoiled social event does not exist in their world, only in Thurman's head. I'd go even farther to suggest the next big issue will be when son finds a partner, marries and focuses on an expended world/life other than his childhood home. The future wife will be the next target that threatens Thurman's sense of well being.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2012 at 3:55PM
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I actually think that he could choose to grow up and get past it. I don't think it would the easiest thing he ever did, but I believe that we can behave our way out of this kind of mindset. I think if he actually took an ACTIVE interest in his SD and made an EFFORT to really be friendly and kind toward her, he would begin to see that she is also friendly and kind and it could help him to move past all of his misdirected bitterness. I also think he could use some counseling. But I don't think it should just be dismissed as it being all in his head and therefore it doesn't matter. I also think that Mrs. T does know that Thurman does not like her daughter. I don't think a person could hide it that easily. Also, Thurman has complained in the past that Mrs. T takes SD's side, so obviously, she sees that he is being ridiculous when it comes to SD. I'm certain SD knows too. We all know when somebody doesn't want us around, even when the other person makes an effort to hide it. And I really don't think Thurman makes that much of an effort.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2012 at 8:41PM
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I agree, raek;
I do think we can "behave" ourselves into & out of mindsets.

I just don't think Thurman wants to.

& I also agree that Mrs T & her daughter know Thurman doesn't like the daughter, but I still would bet they'd be shocked at the level of hostility he expresses here.

    Bookmark   June 28, 2012 at 12:48PM
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I got through the week. Wasn't a good week. I definitely didn't enjoy it. But I survived it.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2012 at 10:09PM
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It's complicated, isn't it? I think Thurman feels like his home has been intruded and his SD has assumed that she is part of the home. Maybe that is the problem...she assumes that she is "one of the family" even though she doesn't live there all year, and she is acting as if Thurman is her Dad and her Dad wouldn't mind her doing those things. Maybe in a reverse sort of way, she is paying Thurman a compliment...she feels comfortable enough in her mom and his home to do those things.
Thurman, look to see if you could see things from another angle, aside from the "who does she think she is coming in here...". There might be a whole other motivation for why she does what she does.

On your side of things I can see how it would feel that way to you and feel that she is taking over. Fortunately it is only for a few days.

I'm struggling with my 37 year old SD who still can't accept the fact that her father moved on after her mother's passing, over 7 years ago. No matter what I do, it's the wrong thing, so I am working on not caring anymore and not doing anything. I'd rather get reprimanded for not doing anything rather than get chewed out for doing nice things that are twisted and taken the wrong way.

Blessings on your journey through this maze of step-children!

    Bookmark   September 5, 2012 at 10:36AM
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I have been married for 12 years to a man whose wife left after a 30 year marriage. His adult daughter has been rude to me the entire time. I baby sat for her baby for almost a year, and never once did she say thank you. She, her husband and child come for supper weekly; never once has she said thanks, offered to help wash dishes or clear the table, or brought anything. About half the time, they call after they should have been here for supper to say they aren't coming. They have even asked to bring people along, I said yes, and then they just don't show up, knowing I have cooked a big meal . She constantly makes very rude comments to me. She has not invited us to her home for a meal. Even if she comes to dine with us on her father's birthday, she does not bring a card or acknowledge it is his birthday. I always make her a cake on her birthday, and her husband and child too. Now she has another child ( the other is 8 yrs old) and when I said I won't babysit, she told her father then he can't see the 8 yr old. I told my husband I won't be blackmailed! I'm very tired of her rudeness! I have ALWAYS been polite. She is so vindictive if I tell her she is out of line, my husband will be deprived of visiting his grandchildren! I am quite weary of the situation. Any help out there?

    Bookmark   October 7, 2012 at 7:08PM
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laVerne, you might want to start your own new thread. What you've posted is rather a new topic all of it's own and may get over looked at the bottom of Thurman's repetitious complaints.

As I did see your post, I'll hand out my 2 cents.

IMO your husband is allowing this adult woman to run right over both himself and you. When's he going to stand up for himself and say 'enough'? Sure, every grandparent wants to see their grandchildren and be a part of their life, but most of them don't sale their soul to the devil to do so. Your husband (and you) are being emotionally blackmailed by a immature spoiled rotten little girl who has failed to grow-up and function in the adult world.

My best advice is that husband sits down with his daughter and has a long serious discussion. Just the two of them. They either work it work, adult to adult, or daughter can run pout in a corner and play victim. It's her and her children's loss if she chooses to cut Daddy out of her life over a temper tantrum over babysitting.

In the meantime, stop inviting them over weekly for dinner. Toss out a sincere invitation like every 4 to 6 weeks. If they say 'yes' and don't show, pre-plan for it. Choose a menu that does not knock you out and that can be put into small portions and frozen for husband and you to pull out of freezer on evenings you don't feel like cooking. That way all your work does not go wasted and actually turns into a postive for you. Or just stop inviting them...that's a decision you'll have to make on your own.

As for babysitting, find something to do such as volunteer time a few days a week so husband and you are not so available. I love to have my grandkids and I did babysit fulltime 11 yrs ago when my first grandson was born. With that said, it was 11 yrs ago. I'm not in a time and place in my life currently that I would offer to do it again for a next baby. My youngest son and future DIL have long been told that. When they start their family, yes, I'll love being a part of baby's life and having him/her over a day and/or night a week or so, but I will not be a fulltime sitter and not expect me to be. Son has been informed now so he and future DIL can plan their family and finances accordingly.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2012 at 7:13AM
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Justmetoo, thank you. I'm not good on the computer, and this is my first attempt to post anything. I have refused to cook many times and my husband does it. In the winter we do make a roast, because it's good later. Last time, I left and he cooked a huge meal and guess what? No show. I was very glad-- here I was out of town & he had all this food! I'm sure his empathy for me and the situation increased! I must admit though, I usually fix something, a main course at least. I think this woman is just rude to everyone, at least I have decided she must be-- that's my way of helping me not take it so personally. She has NO table manners-- thinks its acceptable to belch as loudly as she can at the table, etc. her son eats with his hands-- corn, green beans, roast --- I tell him to use his fork and she just stares at me. (These are college graduates. ). The entire situation is absurd. Thanks again. ( how do I start a thread?)

    Bookmark   October 8, 2012 at 8:21AM
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