Stepfamily Crisis

destinationweddingJune 6, 2009

My fiance and I are doing a destination wedding and then a small recpeption when we get home. His mom remarried 2 yrs ago and has 4 stepchildren. We don't know them at all. She never properly introduced them to us. I just recently learned all their names! We see them about twice a year for about 4hrs. There are so many kids running around that we never get a chance to talk to anyone. We decided back in Nov. since we are paying for everything that we would not invite them to our wedding. We would rather leave the select number people allowed to close family and friends. We are on a very tight budget. We discussed this with his mom and she didn't seem upset with the decision.

Well, I found one of my future MIL friends on a social networking site and she asked if any of the stepfamily were going to our destination wedding or reception. I told her no and that we don't know them well and decided not to invite them. She responded by basically telling me how horrible that was and how it's going to cause major issues. She went on to tell me that I was embarrising myself by snubbing my future MIL. (Keep in mind my fiance's mother decided to visit this woman at Christmas time instead of being with her blood family, but managed to celebrate before she left with her stepfamily.)

This was soley my fiance's decision and I am only supporting him. If his mother had offered to help fianically or make an effort to get us all to know each other things may have been different. She hasn't mentioned this issue to us and I don't feel other people have a right to belittle us for our decison. I am very angry and upset by this (can you tell?)

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Some people are just butinskys -- everyone has different types of step relationships, and judging from the age at which the new kids came into the family -- this deosnt seem strange to me. Also, many people have small destination weddings.

    Bookmark   June 6, 2009 at 9:04PM
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I should clarify the stepchildren are adults and they have kids.

    Bookmark   June 6, 2009 at 9:10PM
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WAY TOO EXPENSIVE!! to invite everyone from what i see. Doesn't matter whether its step or not...destination weddings are restricted by direct reason...Finance! and space. You cannot invite all.
My own wedding was destination as well. I didn't invite many people from my family...myown aunt was pist!!! But sorry, i just couldn't afford to take them all. I took my 2 stepkids, they were part of my wedding and i took one person fromeach family to represent them all.
How about offering one spot to represent them all for your wedding?? Since cash is tight and you want the number limited.That is how i delt with it and even though some people still got their feathers least you tried to accomodate.
But in the end, its your call, your wedding and you can't please all.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 8:49AM
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Excuse my ignorance; what is a destination wedding?

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 8:52AM
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A wedding planned out of hometown. Like an island resort...or europe..or whereever..but not in the tradition of hometown around all relatives and in the town church...
My neice is getting married in cuba this summer...i cant go..can't afford it.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 9:10AM
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I am confused. You said the friend "asked if any of the stepfamily were going to our destination wedding or reception" and then she accused you of snubbing your FMIL.

We cannot know the entire conversation, so perhaps there is more to it. Are you saying you and fiance did not invite his mother (and her husband)? Or are you saying you did not invite her stepchildren? Because if she (and hubby) are invited, then how is she being snubbed? No one can expect every person in your life and every person in their lives can be invited. Don't let this woman upset you. This will not be the last stupid complaint that you hear, so you can't let it all get to you. But please do clarify for me that his mother is invited to the wedding.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 11:02AM
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I'm also confused... is the bride & groom responsible for travel costs for guests to a destination wedding? When DH & I got married, we invited all family members & several came from out of state. We did not pay their expenses, should we have? That would have broke us!

If the MIL was not invited, she will probably feel snubbed. If I was not invited to my son's wedding because it's too expensive... but other friends and relatives are invited, it's not a good way to start a marriage. And even if the friend is a buttinsky, she is a close enough friend that his mother spent her holiday with her and if she butts in further telling his mother how horrible you are, it isn't going to make family relations better, that's for sure.

I don't quite understand the difference between destination wedding and eloping.... sounds the same to me. You go off and get married without inviting all your family & friends. It's the SAME thing, isn't it?

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 11:56AM
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Ima, destination you do tell everyone first, eloping I assume you dont. I think most people do not pay guests expense to attend destination wedding, which is why this is a little different. I dont know if it is too late, my guess is if OP sent inviations to MIL with FDH making it clear that he wasnt paying, she wouldnt come -- and my guess is that is kinda what played out between FDH and MIL. It also seems like MIL isnt really into establsihing family ties with the FDH and his new bride.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 12:31PM
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I understood that MIL is invited, it is just that her 4 stepchildren (who are very recently joined the family and no one even knows them) aren't invited. Why do they have to invited?

imaommy I disagree here.

Destination weddings are often smaller than traditional ones but still immidiate families and close friends are invited, it is not elloping. But I do not believe anyone requires inviting everyone. weddings are expensive and bride and groom have rigts not to invite everyone. of course mom, dad, siblings etc must be invited. but everyone? MIL's adult stepchildren whom no one knows? Plenty of people have small intimate weddings that aren't destination but still only close family and friends are invited. wiht economy nowadays who can blame anyone for smaller weddings (especially if parents don't even help).

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 12:31PM
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Let me clarify. Of course his mother and stepfather are invited to the wedding. We aren't inviting the stepchildren. We sent out save-the-date cards for the destination wedding and the small reception back home. So, everyone is invited to both. We aren't paying for everyone's trip, but we are paying for the reception at home. So we gave everyone the option of going. If they can't afford it we understand, but would love to see them at our reception at home. Basically close family will be at our destination wedding, which I expected. We just feel we don't know the stepchildren well enough to pay for 4 extra people plus spouses at the reception at home! That's a whole table! We are trying to keep costs down. That's why we are doing the destination wedding and small reception at home. I hope that clarifies some questions. Thanks for all your input.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 12:38PM
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My SO's DD27 has detsination wedding this summer, everyone pays their own transportation and staying at the resort (everyone who can afford it of course) but actual reception and rehearsal dinner is paid by bride and groom but guests don't pay for that.

Reception is expensive. Now those guests who didn't RSVP on time, will end paying for their own reception dinner because DD had to submit final number by a certain day.

By the way DD wanted a small wedding but now when no one can come (can't afford flying and staying there) she is upset people bail out. Hmmm. what did she think? Groom's family attends because most live there or have a place to stay there. But her family simply cannot afford it and some even lost jobs or are in fear of losing.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 12:39PM
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you absolutelly don't need to invite MIL's 4 stepchildren to your wedding or reception. relax. 4+4=8 extra people, forget it. what if she had 10 stepchildren? relax.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 12:58PM
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Destin, you've done fine. It may be that MIL has made her choices and doesnt want to tell her "friend" she can not afford trip.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 1:14PM
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