Nutty BMs -- most but not all - con't

kknyJune 2, 2009

Dotz, the quote from the end of the prior thread was

"KKNY said "In the majority of cases I know doodle, man leaves wife (got that wife, not GF) of many years for younger woman. Mom has primary physical custody."

I said the majority I KNOW. That is differnet from most.

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BM s MOST BUT NOT ALL CRAZY...BMs MAJORITY BUT NOT ALL CRAZY...I dunno KKNY, I m failing to see the difference...what a waste of gigabytes...

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 10:17PM
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"Nutty people... not all but there are lots... even some that will argue forever over the use of ONE word in a topic."

Now... get your dictionary out! Argue about it! run out of room on one thread so another is started... and then tell us who's crazy!

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 10:45PM
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No the difference is the qualifying phrase "that I know" -- which you both choose to ignore -- I put it in caps

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 10:47PM
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I am no where near the south, but I know the BM I have to deal with is a freakin' nut job. I had a friend who has two ex's and she was a double nut job. I worked with kids in the foster care system and mental health system and their parents were nut jobs too. Nut jobs everywhere!!!!!!
I have an ex....but i don't talk trash about him. I am a freakin' cool as@ ex myself if I must say so! LOL....I don't talk trash about him, or say crappy things to my son about him....but then he isn't that bad of a guy either. So what could I possibly say? I think it is cool as sh*t that we get along well enough for our child, especially since I get to see the other side of the coin.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 2:19AM
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OK EVERYONE....LETS SETTLE THIS. LETS TAKE OUR OWN POLL!. Sure it maybe skewed BUT this is a stepfamily forum dealing with complex issues at times and i'ld like to see for myself how many have nutty bm's.

1. List your poster name
2. Your BM ie ex wife: Nutty or not?
3. ex wife drugs or psychological issues?
4. Became nutty after you married/dated your new hubby or was like this before and always ?
5. BE free to post number of friends or family members who also have this issue.

And we'll tally the number in the future????
I'm curious. Because after seeing over 150 messages for this post, it would seem logical for us to do this.
Does anyone agree out of curiousity??? lets poll our site, with the people who post and their situations, who has an exwife who is 'nutty' and acts odd and mean after the new wives marry ie date ie, live in with the new man.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 8:36AM
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I'll save you the time -- at least 95% will claim to have nutty mom of stepchildren.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 8:47AM
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Maria, I think divorce can make people go nutty that weren't nutty before. It's emotional and ends what was meant to be a lifelong relationship. Even in the best of situations, I'd be surprised if someone said they never did or felt anything 'nutty'. and even when you know it's over... even when you are the one that ended it... sometimes people deal with it by denial. They tell themselves "I don't need him" or "I'm better off without him" or whatever else to make them 'get over it' and I think sometimes they THINK they are over it... until they see him with someone new. All those shoved down feelings come alive and maybe it's too much to handle. I truly think that's NORMAL. What's not normal? It's not normal to act on it... or continue acting on it for years.

I had 'urges' to do nutty things when my ex met his current wife. I don't think I did anything 'nutty' but maybe his wife would disagree. I didn't want him back, but he was such a jerk to me... when he met her, part of me wanted to warn her... part of me didn't like that he found someone before I did... I had many mixed emotions, along with a little insecurity/jealousy. The difference is I KNEW what I was feeling and why. I dealt with those feelings without making their life hell. In my case, it was temporary 'nutty' urges. I did not act on them and within a couple of months, I emotionally moved on. (lol, I only THOUGHT I had emotionally moved on before... when I had only pushed those feelings aside in denial)

I have two sisters.. both divorced. One got into a relationship right away (she went back to her high school sweetheart) and has never been 'nutty' to her ex. [although I think she's nutty in general since birth] and my other sister wasn't a nut before her divorce... but now she is doing lots of things that are nutty. There are no drugs or psychological issues... she was married for 23 years, with him 30 years. They have four kids, three surviving. She left him but as soon as he found a girlfriend (which was quite soon) she digs for info from the kids, she rants all the time about what he's doing, they are in a war over a car.... she is borrowing money to make payments on the Porsche because she'll be damned if his new girlfriend will be seen driving around town in it. (their settlement gave her the Porsche as long as she maintains the payments... and she's not working) Now, they JUST got divorced so I'm hoping that she'll get over it and let go of some of her anger because it's awful. Her kids are suffering but she won't listen to ANYONE. It's history repeating itself, because that's exactly what my mom did when my dad divorced her. She became nutty when he met my stepmom. That was 25 years ago and she is still nutty. In fact, since my stepmom passed away last October, my mom has begun to act like her marriage to my dad was reinstated. She came to visit my son the weekend before he moved out of state and came into my dad's business. She started asking me how much money the business made that day, what we have in our bank accounts, and even made a few suggestions about how the business should be run differently. NUTTY!! He has a female friend that lives out of state. My mom even calls me to ask if he's gone to see her... what's he doing? Does she call him or come see him? I am 40 years old.... It was BS when I was 13 but this is beyond Nutty! She's an alcoholic (not currently drinking for years, but never in treatment) and the jury is out on her psychological issues... nothing has ever been diagnosed. You have to admit there's a problem in order to get in with a doctor to get diagnosed. She's so deep in denial, she'd never see a 'mind f*cker' as she calls anyone in the mental health profession. Of course, it drove her even more nutty because my stepmom was a psychologist.

I could go on about all my cousins that have been divorced. Some of them have had 'amicable' divorces... but there's no way to tell if they had those urges like I did or if they truly dealt with the feelings or are still in denial. There are several that got into new relationship right away.. which is sometimes masking denial. Most of them went through periods of heavy partying... lots of drinking. and those that are nutty don't come to family gatherings and announce all the nutty things they might do so I am not around them enough to know how many are 'nutty'.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 9:34AM
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"I'll save you the time -- at least 95% will claim to have nutty mom of stepchildren."

HaHaHa... I didn't even mention my SD's BM. (who everyone here knows is nutty... along with her mom~ grandma and her damn pants!)

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 9:37AM
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It's a matter of perspective. The SM will think the BM is nutty and the BM will think the SM has no clue. I think the BM (exwife) in my life is nutty, she thinks I just haven't met the "real" DH yet.

Ok. People change, and people are different from when they were with the original spouse. In the case of my DH and me, he and his ex divorced before I even got married to my ex. And no, we didn't know one another then. He had lots of time to make changes to himself before we met, and nearly 10 years before we were married. A lot of people get married too young, and are different people at 30 than they were at 20.

That said, she may have a point. I know my DH is not perfect. And I can see how some of his annoying traits may have been more volatile in a young man. And, I have not heard her side of every one of the stories he has told me about her. I'm sure she would have a very different opinion of what happened!! And here I am now. I love my husband, we get along very good and I feel we are extremely compatible. But I am not fooled by the "evil BM" concept. I know it takes two and he is fully capable of holding his own.

In the case of my bio mom and SM I feel I have a little better perspective. For one thing, I have both sides to the story. My bio mom constantly bashes my SM. Not an in my face bashing, but the poor SM can do nothing right. And my bio mom does not let her, or me, or my dad forget it. My poor SM doesn't have as much history to fall back on, nor does she know all the crazy stuff my bio-mom did. All she has are stories from my dad, which believe me are colored by the glasses he's wearing!!! So SM retaliates with a really one-sided dad-biased opinion while bio-mom acts as if the rules are still the same as when she was in the relationship.

Conclusion? They are both nutty. And who is the main perpetrator in the whole situation? (And not just IMO, we have been told this by psychologists and friends and family, and it is readily acknowledged by all parties)... wait for it....

MY DAD!!! LOL. HE is the main perpetrator. Why? Because he is in the middle playing Mr. Nice Guy not gonna take sides everyone has their good points while he talks out the other side of his mouth. Not to stir things up, but because he wants peace and he doesn't blame anyone and he just wishes everyone can get along. hahahahahaha.

That's why I stay out of it with my DH and his Ex. I support him in seeing his daughter, I provide space for her to always be welcome, I stay in the background. My role is simply support. Of everyone involved. This is his battle to fight. My job is to make sure he is fed and clothed prior to going off to battle. Not to take up the sword and charge madly around with only scant knowledge of the reasons we're fighting, the historical nuances, or even where the battle will be held.

Also, as a mother myself I can look back and see just how crazy I was from hormones after giving birth and nursing for a year. I was more judgmental, on the defense, and had a very superior attitude. I think it's built in for survival. In my case, DH's ex and he broke up within the first year. And he says she "went crazy". Well. I wonder why? BM's have a tendency to do that after they give birth. Not that her attitude was the only reason they broke up. There were tons, I'm sure. Many that could not even be put in words.

Doodle, if J doesn't blame her, I think you should take that heavy weight off your shoulders and put it down. It's not healthy to have it coursing through your blood. Take it from a person who has been there/done that. It doesn't work. People can taste the venom in the air. And it just makes you look ugly. You are not an ugly person. Don't let J's mistakes in the past color you in an unattractive light.

As you said in the OP, this man is just a "friend by default". You know him on the most superficial level. Even on a deep, intimate level you would still be getting only one side. Don't take up a sword on his behalf. Have sympathy, be the cheering section but leave the field to the players.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 9:50AM
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I think the main point is to make sure kids (doddle's) are healthy emotionally and phsyically. As they get older they will probably need years of therapy. They don't need anger or blame. And it doesn't matter which parent quit drugs first.

I think that people on this forum do not necessarilly represent majority of the world population. People who do not have any problems wiht divorce/stepfamily do not post on stepfamily forums or don't post much. majority of women here post about BMs/SMs because that's what this forum is geared towards and that's what bothers women the most.

Those who post about BMs report that they are crazy, those who post about SMs say they are crazy, those who post about stepkids also say some negative stuff etc, that's the tendency of the forum. It is silly to think that's what the whole world is or the most of it.

Pay attention to what people post about. i rarelly post about my X or SM, maybe once a year, i have little to talk about them, they aren't in my face plus they aren't crazy. they are rather boring regular people LOL.

I do post about SO's DDs because they do some strange stuff (like wanting to go on every vacation with us or taking my possessions). They also do not get along wiht each other. But i don't think that most SDs are this way. They aren't. My DD isn't and she is SD too and plenty of sisters I knwo get along just fine.

I just don't see that because we experience somehting that's what most of the world experiences. If somebody has addicted or crazy BM it doesn't mean everyone else has. not true.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 1:11PM
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well, my ex's wife and I get along great. She doesn't think I am nutty. I don't think she is a nutty or mean step mom. But we are a rare thing.
But I will start lol

1. wild-thing
2. BM- Nutty nutty nutty
3. psychological issues & prescription drugs (apparently those are okay @@)
4. She was nutty before, but became even more nutty when I started dating dh.
5. friends and family number is probably 6 off the top of my head

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 5:04PM
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1. Silver
2. Nutty as an Almond tree
3. psychological issues. deep ones.
4. was like this before and always
5. 2(Dh's ex, my SM)

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 11:06PM
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Although I don't like her, I'd never associate with her socially and I'll never understand how she can sit back and let another woman raise her children, I still wouldn't call my husband's ex and BM to my two stepdaughters a nut. Selfish, self-absorbed and immature - yes. Nutty - no.

However, on a different note, if my husband and I divorced and he remarried and his new wife (which would be stepmom to my son) overstepped any boundaries I perceived to be out of line, then yeah, she'd probably call me nutty!! The maternal feelings raging through my body just thinking about someone treating my child the way some children on this forum are treated is so overwhelming that I can hardly breathe at the moment...!! Guess that makes me a potential nut.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 11:41PM
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Totally not related to the OP's topic:

Quote from FD: "People who do not have any problems wiht divorce/stepfamily do not post on stepfamily forums or don't post much."

FD once again you crack me up, so what are you saying?? Why are YOU always here then?? To let us benefit from your extensive knowledge about these issues?? Hahaha

Oh hang on..I know what you are going to say next!!.. you are going to say that I misquoted you because you do not post much yourself, you only RESPOND to other people's posts, right?? Yeah right, we'll go with that today.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 12:39AM
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Lonepiper, exactly. Plus if you were to insist on fair CS, tht could also make you nutty (depending on how your X relayed info to his current wife)

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 6:55AM
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"Plus if you were to insist on fair CS, tht could also make you nutty"

Wait, see this is where I am confused. I don't understand this idea that it is the ex-wife/GF that determines (insists on) the CS amount. In DH's court case, the courts plugged his income in, imputed what BM is capable of making (30K/yr, based on her past salaries) and then factored in time spent at each home. There is a set formula the courts employ, using a number of factors, to determine child support. Once it's set, it's set, unless one's income drastically changes.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 10:45AM
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"Plus if you were to insist on fair CS, tht could also make you nutty"

Wait, see this is where I am confused. I don't understand this idea that it is the ex-wife/GF that determines (insists on) the CS amount. In DH's court case, the courts plugged his income in, imputed what BM is capable of making (30K/yr, based on her past salaries) and then factored in time spent at each home. There is a set formula the courts employ, using a number of factors, to determine child support. Once it's set, it's set, unless one's income drastically changes.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 10:56AM
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yeah, I don't quite understand KKNY's comment on child support. Guidelines and formula's were created to make it 'fair' and sometimes a CP (and/or new spouse) think it's fair, sometimes they don't. It would depend on what they consider fair.

If the court set support based on incomes/timeshare but the CP really thinks NCP should/could pay more so 'its not fair' and demands more support because the new spouse has income.... that is nutty. If its ordered based on true facts... its fair.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 11:15AM
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No LH, based on statistics, many NCPs are not paying a court ordered amount. I've seen comments here that "DH isnt too far behind in payments. " Dont know how NCP explains that to present spouse.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 11:21AM
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I am maybe a bit biased towards this because BM is one of those that complains and thinks CS is not "fair."

It's mostly because our family (as in me, DH, my daughter and their son) does things that BM's family doesn't.

Number one reason---DH makes more money than BM's husband. And BM doesn't work so she has no income. Plus, they have 3 kids between the two of them, and we have 2.Her hubby also pays more in child support for his DD than DH does for SS. This, again, is based on income discrepancy and time spent. They do not have 50-50 custody, but something like 65-35. I think BM's DH has his DD 3 nights a week.

I don't quite understand BM's c/s situation. DH pays $277/month directly to the state. We were intially told that all of that goes to pay back the benefits she received for 5 yrs. But BM told DH she gets $150/month or something like that. So I think the deal is--when the state balance is fully paid back, then BM will get the full $277/month.

She complains occasionally that this is not fair.

And I guess it is a really low amount, BUT the courts set it based on incomes and time spent at each home. The bottom line is, they share 50-50 custody.

Anyway...I don't know...BM complains like DH is the one that set the amount or something, like he is jipping her somehow, but the courts calculated it, and that's the amount that was determined.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 11:30AM
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Well,if it IS court ordered and a NCP parent falls behind, then it doesn't take long for a wage garnishment, etc. to be put in place.

And if a CP feels he/she is not receiving a fair amount, and nothing has been court ordered, then she/he has the option to take it to court.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 11:36AM
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lovehadley -- why does BM owe the state for benefits? Fraud? If she received benefits while DH was not supporting the kids, it should not be subtracted from her child support. He is required to pay it all back in addition to child support.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 1:19PM
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liesbeth, I said excatly what i meant that people who do not have any problems in their stepfamilies do not post here. hense they do not represent majority of the world population, only one portion of it. I didn't say I do not have any problems. what don't you understand? Or are you getting angry again for no reason?

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 1:23PM
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BM and DH did not go to court until their son was almost 6 years old. They were split from the time he was 1. For 5 yrs, DH paid 100% of daycare, health insurance, and paid for whatever his son needed, from clothes to tumbling lessons to swim lessons, etc

They ALWAYS had 50-50 custody.

My Dh has ALWAYS supported his son, always, always.

BM was collecting food stamps, and medical benefits from the state, and put *unknown* down for DH's whereabouts. I know for a fact this is insurance fraud since DH has always covered his son under his work policy, but BM chose to not use it.

So when they finally got into court (over school district issues) BM filed for child support. DH had no idea until then that she had been receiving benefits. His attorney pushed the fraud issue, and that was how it was determined that a portion (although we were told all) of the c/s would go to pay back the state.

Seems fair to me.

BM really just kind of screwed herself because if she had needed more money back THEN, she could have filed for child support rather than going through the state. Then DH would have had to pay more in support, but BM would have gotten 100% of it. It was basically robbing Peter to pay Paul.

DH should have gone to court sooner, as well. He paid on average $200/wk for daycare for 5 years. That's $800/month.

His child support, without 50-50 custody, would have been $600-something a month. In their parenting plan, it now states that BM is 100% responsible for any childcare costs. So DH paid more in daycare for 5 yrs than he would have if he had just gone to court and had child support established.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 1:31PM
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When DH and BM had 50/50, he had to pay her $286 because he works and she didn't. The court ordered it in mid August and the day they received the notice from the court, she became belligerent, telling him he was in arrears because the paper said "effective August 1st". She demanded he write her a check immediately. (nevermind that she moved away less than a week later to live with BF and gave him custody anyway... maybe she needed moving money!)

Fast forward to 8 months after SD has been living with us full time and BM hadn't paid a penny... he didn't even ask for support for that time period, which legally & morally, she should have paid SOMETHING. When DH finally gets an order for $216 a month based on 80/20 custody and she goes nearly 10 more months with no payment.

That's a hypocritical nut job!

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 1:56PM
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1. Ashley
2. BM - not nutty; more like cold and calculating
3. No drugs or phycological issues; but picture a blonde, short, Hispanic Sadaam Hussein; evil I believe the word is
4. Started from day 1 of dating SO, but got markedly worse when we started talking about getting married
5. 1 (my friend's SC's BM)

    Bookmark   June 5, 2009 at 11:38AM
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2.BM- You know how the rumor is babies are born in a cabbage patch? Well, If it was true BM would of been hatched out of a walnut shell instead.
3.Drugs,Alchol, Bi-Polar, Borderline, Low self esteem, attempts suicide like FOUR times a year,Can not move on,falls for men who like to tap dance on her head.
4.Was crazy before but got increasingly more unstable as J improved and we got serious. It was like the freaking Portrait of Dorian Grey! The better we did....the worse she got!
5. It would seem all the women in her family have some "issues". We worry about the girls. Fingers crossed that with a stsable environment and early intervention they won't EVER be as wacked out as their mother.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2009 at 4:46PM
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