help with future step daughter

flexigurlJune 17, 2013

Oh boy do I need help! My bf has a 15yr old daughter, who years ago said some very mean things to me before she even really knew me. I spoke to my bf about it, I never told him what she actually said because it in no way represents the person I am or the relationship that I have with her father, I just said that I think she doesn't like me, he spoke with her before she was leaving to go back home (she lives several states away) and she cried to him saying that she liked me. That was years ago, I have let it go along with all the other little things like squeezing herself between us because they really do not see each other much.... So jumping forward to a year ago when I moved into his home, which btw he has an older daughter who lives here and we get along great! We go out together, etc. I just feel like the 15yr old doesn't want me here, she completely ignores me until he is around then she says things I want her on my team! Its just confusing, does she not want me on the same team when playing a game as her dad? Or does she want me on her team? He will make plans to go out to dinner on a night that my daughter is with us and she rolls her eyes in annoyance that we have to wait. I tried to get him and his two daughters to go out for fathers day together with out me, but she wanted to go to her friends instead. I bought the gift for him and she wasn't happy that everyone's name was on the card. i just don't get it, when I'm doing the laundry I ask her to put her dirty clothes downstairs in laundry and she just throws them down the stairs, she would never do that if her dad told her to put the clothes downstairs,etc....that's almost minor, what is really getting me angry is that today when he came home from work he said hi to me, gave her a kiss then laid in bed with her for an hour.....I'm sorry its 5pm why is she still in bed!!! I asked what everyone wanted for dinner and I got "I just walked through the door" but not 5 mins later he was asking her what she wanted....what about me? I know that sounds selfish but I am dealing with her giving her dad a guilt trip because she can't sleep in his bed anymore????Really you'll be 16 in a few months, you shouldn't be sleeping in your dads bed anymore! Her clothes are entirely too risque for her age, her mom buys her bras with two additional cup size padding, the second she walks out the door half the clothes she puts on to make her dad happy come off! She is wearing clothes that my daughter fits into and she is 6 years older, it disgusts me having to do her laundry. But if I say anything I am the bad person! I refuse to be the 'evil step mom' but I have my daughter to worry about. Like how he told my daughter that when his dghtr gets up here they will ALL GO TOGETHER to get bikes....well guess what they went without my daughter because she couldn't wait! Grrr yes they did pick my daughter up a bike, but it wasn't the one she wanted. Why couldn't they wait an hour for my girl to get home from school so she could pick her own bike? And my daughter was too nice to say it wasn't the one she wanted, said thank you so much got on it and rode around. Not to mention his daughter hasn't ridden her bike even once since she got it! I'm at such a lose, I have no idea what to do but I refuse to deal with the rules changing when she is here because he doesn't get to see her much, what example is that for my daughter? She does terrible in school but gets everything she wants.Her older sister is even angry about things says things like "how come I had to wait until I had all A's and B's before I could get my license but she (her sister) is failing and is taking her test!" Am I being selfish? Picky? Thinking too much???? We are 6 years into a relationship, it has only been the past two years that we have officially combined families...oh and my bf and his ex have been separated since before she was born so it has nothing to do with her wanting her parents together, she doesn't even know what it is like to have both her parents together.
Any advice, input or experience would be greatly appreciated, as I am almost at the point of leaving him over this. Our relationship completely changes for a few weeks over the summer, but if she saw how we really are together maybe she would accept me more, instead she sees how my opinions or input doesn't matter.....maybe its him? Idk

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emma

Quite frankly I did not read all of your post, the subject line says it all. If you are having a problem now it will be 10 times worse after marriage.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2013 at 9:31AM
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sylviatexas1

"I am almost at the point of leaving him over this."
"she sees how my opinions or input doesn't matter.....maybe its him?"

ya reckon?

Seriously (& I didn't read much of the message, either, it's just too long & too hard to read), any time a partner's child is in the position of saying she "wants me on her team", something is upside down.

Children don't get to be the quarterbacks or the captains when their parents choose a partner.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2013 at 6:09PM
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tjlo

I'm in your shoes and the problem is coming from the both of them, but your partner is the one to blame here because he is her parent and the adult here. He is allowing this behavior and by showing her you don't matter he is giving her power over the relationship and to drive a wedge between you.

Read my post (that is also long and received few replies as well) about husband feeling like he's being made to choose. I didn't go into detail about particular incidents of things she did, but she came to live with us 3 years ago and the alienation of my opinions started right away and gradually increased. Every time that he did nothing drove me further away and caused me to not respect him- in fact I'm disgusted with him. Now she rules the house, says and does whatever she wants. Heaven forbid she doesn't get her way because she will bully her Dad until he gives in. I didn't fully disengage until she lied about me to get her way and in a separate incident two months later she embellished a story heavily to gain attention for herself and to make me look bad. She trash talks me (like she did her mother before moving here) with lies and half truths.

Luckily for you, you only have to deal with her during visitation. Don't ever agree to her moving in full time or you will regret it. You need to talk with your partner and tell him how you feel. Hopefully he will work on it. You and he should be the team. Not the kids. My husband always cried about being in the middle (but he consistently put himself there) and I recently told him that if we had been the team we should have been there wouldn't have been a middle! He needs to quit playing into her games. It's too bad that some girls have to act that way and sadly, they usually learn it from their mothers.

This post was edited by tjlo on Fri, Jun 28, 13 at 7:08

    Bookmark   June 28, 2013 at 6:57AM
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