Anyone know about New York?

momof3_stepof1June 30, 2011

Hello!!

This is only kinda step family.... it deals with parenting time rules and guidelines.

My sister currently lives in the same state as me. She has a daughter that is 19 months old. She currently is still in a relationship with the daughters father. Yes... I am a VERY over protective big sister. But hear me out. She has thought about leaving him multiple times. He is VERY verbally abusive to her. He's threatened that he can take the baby and just leave blah blah. Mind you... he's in the military and she's a police officer. Obviously the two have control issues. HAHA! Anyway.... I've never seen her back down from anyone except him. I DO like him... I just believe he's too controlling. She gets super anxious and shaky A LOT when she's afraid of upsetting him. He's never been physical.... just verbal.

Anyway, he has other children in New York.... so he got orders to move military bases to up there. So.. my sister will have to quit her police job. She says she could get another one as a deputy but will just be going to school instead. She is currently a state police office and cannot become a state police officer there without going back through the academy, which she does not want to do. She is instead going for something else. I am scared that she's going to get up there, not work, have no money... he's going to get worse because it's all his family up there and all our family is here. We are a good 3 or 4 states away. None of us can afford to fly up there at a whim. I'm afraid they won't make it... then she'll be stuck there without family and not able to leave the state with the child. She'll be forced to stay there because her child's father is there. I know that's how our state works because that's one reason we now have custody of my ss. (Remember, she left state and left him with us)

Does anyone know for a fact that that's how it works in that state? OMG!! My protective side is kicking into high gear. I've tried to back it down and not even think about it.... I just can't help it. I've called my parents and my mom has spoken to her about it already.... she just tells her it'll work out. I think she's already afraid of saying no. :( My dad is calling later. I haven't mentioned it because I'm also afraid of upsetting him. I don't want to be kept from my niece....

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parent_of_one

does she want to stay with him? if she does, there is nothing you can do. i know you want to protect her but many couples argue or verbally abuse each other yet they stick together. are they married? if not, if I was her, I'd be hesitant to just quit my job and go follow a man. Is she financially protected in case he dumps her in NY, what about school, is he going to help her with the school?

    Bookmark   July 1, 2011 at 7:27AM
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momof3_stepof1

Right now she says she does want to be with him.... but that changes periodically. She's called me before asking how I left my ds16 father. It's hard not to worry when it's obvious by the look on her face sometimes that she's just scared to upset him. He went off on her once when the baby was at daycare and she fell down the steps.... obviously this wasn't my sister's fault. It was an accident.

Then are not currently married. Last night my mom called her and told her I was worried. My sister called me crying and asked what I said. I told her exactly... that I was worried she hadn't thought it all the way through and that she'd get stuck there. Then I heard him in the back ground yelling about our f..... family blah blah. I then simply and calmly told my sister that I would not speak to her with him yelling in the background and I would not fight with him. I then said that she could call me back when she was alone and I hung up. I sent a text that I like him but do not feel this is a good decision. She is giving up her job that she worked so hard to get. 26 weeks in the police academy when you are super tiny is VERY hard work! She hasn't responded at all. I did get a text from him that we need to support her blah blah. He says he is signing over his gi bill to her so she can go to school. She won't be financially protected and she won't be able to be a state officer there. She'll have to be a deputy or apply for city.

My brother is the one married to the wacko psycho and I don't ever speak to him. Even the other day when I texted him that my mother-in-law passed away he didn't respond at all. She's the only other sibling I have and she's leaving to be controlled by a man. Yes, I'm a very over protective big sister.... but why do they continue to make these choices? My mother-in-law used to be the one I talked to about this.... it's all hitting me at once. UGH!

    Bookmark   July 1, 2011 at 8:53AM
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mkroopy

Well I live in NY (an hr or so north of NYC), and the only thing I can tell you is that when I realized my wife at the time was on her 2nd affair and I was done with the marriage, not knowing anything about divorce law I paid for a consultation with a divorce attorney, and he told me a lot which calmed me down.

The guy she was having the affair with lived about an hour away. I was petrified she was just gonna up and take the kids (8 and 5 at the time) and go live there. He said the courts would not let her, as the kids had basically grown up on the town we were in. Supposedly they (family courts) put a lot of weight into not moving the kids around at the whim of the parents bouncing around with different boyfriends/girlfriends. I guess they want that stability of staying in one location for the kids, which makes a lot of sense to me.

Now I don't know how that relates to your sister's situation. My ex and I have 50/50 physical and legal custody of the kids (i.e. there is no "custodial parent")...I insisted on this, we were both always very involved parents, both worked full time, so why should she have any more rights to those kids than I do? Not sure if that would be the case in your sister's situation. I suppose if for some reason she is given primary custody, she may very well be allowed to leave the state, I can't help you with that one.

I hope it all works out for her....

    Bookmark   July 1, 2011 at 9:21AM
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parent_of_one

honestly, stay out of it, i know you worry, offer her your support, but meddling never ever works. she is a grown woman, and if she wants to be with him, she will. and if you interfere she won't have relationship with you. nobody is going to win here.

i personally think it is a bad idea to follow a boyfriend to a difference location, even if they have kids together. but she might see it differently.

also why wouldn't she qualify for police force even if she went to academy else where? did she already investigate her options?

    Bookmark   July 1, 2011 at 9:30AM
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momof3_stepof1

That's exactly how it is here mkroopy. The courts won't let one parent leave the state without excellent reasons. (We just got custody of my ss because mom didn't have good reasons)

parent of one..... she can be a deputy but not state police. She would have to go through the entire academy all over again in that state. She has looked into it.

My sister was married once before... and I told her before she married him that I was scared he wasn't right for her. He also was very controlling. Their marriage lasted 3 months. If my sister moves to New York and it only lasts another three months... it'll be too late. She's there, the baby is there and she's stuck. It's hard not to get involved. I already lost one sibling to their spouse. Seriously.... we NEVER see him. He won't even text me back. Now she's going so far away. I guess being an only child was the way to go. Too bad I can't go back and tell my parents that. It'd be far less hurtful.

    Bookmark   July 1, 2011 at 10:05AM
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parent_of_one

I understand how you feel, but you can't tell anyone not to be with whoever they want to be, you know what i mean, it never works. i think she makes a mistake, but just offer her your support. my parents thought my SIL was a bad choice for my brother (nothing though what you described) and my dad made attempts to interfere, my brother would not allow this.

there is nothing you can do, you are not going to lose your sister if she moves to NY, but if you interfere you'll lose her for sure. you lost your brother, don't interfere with your sister. you told her what you think, she still does what she wants. let it be. i am not trying to be mean, i have never met any family where interference and meddling helped anyone.

    Bookmark   July 1, 2011 at 10:25AM
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justmetoo

I'd give it one more shot when Sis is alone and BF can not overhear, pressure her or read her text. Ask her to erase any messages.

Start off with you love and care about her. That yes, you are being a pushy busybody, but if are worried for her and her child. Don't make it totally about anti BF, but pro what's best and thoughts to consider. If BF and her do 'fail' it could take her years to get back on her feet and obtain the same kind of job security and benefits (insurance, pension blah blah). If she tells you to 'buzz off' then do so...you can not live her life for her. Sometimes people really just do have to learn things the hard way.

I'd hit the job and security. If he's Mr Right and he's the 'love of her life' (and she his) then why not let him go on ahead, get settled, see how he does in that area. She can stay where she is, work, earn extra savings (aka not toss her job away). Maybe start her new field of education. THEN in six to 12 months she and daughter could join him. Afterall, what's the big deal? They love each other, right? They want a family together and want it off to a good start, right? If so, what's six to 12 months. If he's military he could be deployed for longer stretches than that.

Heck, if she'll give it that much time you can offer to help her pack and drive her up there. You want to appear supportive but you are worried about realistic things and I don't blame you for trying to get Sis to rethink and not rush into it. Did BF make this move to be closer to his kids, or is he making it to get Sis away from her family and her security/support? Controlling people do controlling things.

Is BF named on birth certificate of your niece?

    Bookmark   July 1, 2011 at 11:16AM
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momof3_stepof1

Thank you jmt, I may do just that. Although at this point she's acting just like my brother and not responding to me. I don't know if it's her or him.

My niece has his last name, so yes, he's on the bc. He says they're moving their to be with his kids, but I can't help thinking maybe he'll get more verbally controlling once they're there.

    Bookmark   July 1, 2011 at 12:10PM
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myfampg

If she has no one to run to then yes I could see him becoming more controlling and abusive.
It surprises me that as a police officer she is not more in control of her life and puts up with a controlling man. You would think because of the career she holds she would be stronger. But I know victims of abuse are not at fault and sometimes feel backed into a corner but police officers generally are more strong willed and don't put up with BS.
Coming from a family of cops! Lol I don't see any of this.
However my sister is a detective and has been for 12 years. She sees A LOT of crap but yet she makes some of the same poor choices in men the victims she is helping have made. Kind of ironic I think.

I am the baby sister and I am over protective of my big sister. It's like our birth order got messed up. I'm the responsible, go-to for advice, always there to pick up the pieces sister while my older sister (by 10 years) is a free spirit with no moral compass in her personal life. In uniform, you see a very put together, head on her shoulders, makes good choices kinda gal but she takes that off and she is unpredictable.
My nephew has been bounced from school to school his entire life. My sister makes GOOD money yet she can't seem to keep up with her electric bill or balance a check book. Freaking crazy!!

Good luck to your sister. I think it's good she has you!!

    Bookmark   July 1, 2011 at 1:21PM
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parent_of_one

"He says they're moving their to be with his kids"

...now it gets tricky...so she is willing to move herself and her baby as well as quit her job so her BF can have his kids close by...hmmm

are they considering marriage?

    Bookmark   July 1, 2011 at 4:56PM
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momof3_stepof1

myfam.... that's exactly how t is with my sister... very well put together on the outside but makes very poor choices in men. Thing is... he's a good dad and he's not a looser as far as jobs and such. He's just very controlling with her. I don't think she allowed it until she got pregnant. Now I believe she's letting him because she's afraid of being a single parent. When she got married the first time I told her before we walked down the isle that my door would be open.... she walked in and stayed with me 3 months later.... ending in divorce. Yes, I'm over protective, but I get these feelings and just can't shake them... and usually I am right. She knows it. What bugs me right now is that I mentioned these feelings to my dad and he's willing to speak to her about it and completely agrees with me..... BUT, he thinks I'm wrong about my brother and won't say one word to him. I think it's the man/woman thing. He thinks my brother can make his own decisions but us girls need talked to. UGH!! Drives me nuts...

Yes PO1, they have been considering marriage... she has a ring but they've been putting it off. I really think that once she gets there she's not going to be able to come back until baby is 18. AND... I do believe his behavior will get worse.

    Bookmark   July 5, 2011 at 9:09AM
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