It's Never going to get better is it??

myfampgJune 3, 2011

I got another attacking email today. Bd hasn't even seen dd in a week and he apparently has more complaints and demands along with exclamation points and even more demands. It's like BD (or maybe SM) has nothing better to do but stay up late on Thursday nights and write me attacking emails, not even really worth writing. The stuff is so petty it's ridiculous. So much energy and anger goes in to these emails and ya... I usually get a little teary eyed because I'm just so tired. I'm tired of checking my email and having an email from '' and the first sentence is never hello, good morning or F off. Its always just right into the subject of their 'concern' and what it is that I am doing wrong.

Well now apparently dd is complaining to them about my DH. I'm not arguing that she might complain about us to them but they act Like it was yesterday when I know good and well that they haven't talked to her in over a week. I think what bothers me so much about their allegations is that I'm afraid they may 'encourage' dd to say things that are not true about my husband and land us in trouble for something that isn't going on. This entire time that we have been fighting not once has my husband been involved. He has met them both just once and it was during a failed attempt at family counseling. BD even complimented DH by saying he hears nothing but good things about my Dh and thanke him for taking care of dd but also was sure to insert 'you can't replace me' which we aren't trying to do. Dd doesn't call Dh dad like she is forced to call SM mom. We are clear that he is not her dad. We don't tell people she is an he doesn't overstep his boundaries as her stepfather. I do not know why their words are so hurtful to me. Why it upsets me so much. They have found the core to my insecurity and they dance on it even though I haven't responded to their attempts to break my email 'silence' to them. It's like they just get worse and worse. It's true if you respond you lose if you don't respond you still lose because it doesn't stop.

I have decided to delete my email account and start over. They will not have email access to me any longer. They are already blocked at work so now I just need to block their access to my personal account which means to delete and recreate. I am ok with that because I don't have many contacts and it will be easy to just notify everyone of my new account. I won't have these attacking emails to use in court next time we go back but I have decided that what is important is to have my peace and sanity over having ammunition on them in court. Since I can't keep my emotions from getting out of wack, I have to just stop their nasty venom from being able to reach me.

And then I also decided .... This is never going to get better.

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Im sorry... DD is probably just trying to be loyal IF she even does talk bad about your dh... you can always keep this account and just check everything before court and print them then if they are helpful. I agree create a new account for regular email...

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 7:46PM
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I wonder why dad and sm want to constantly try to find something wrong with things you do? How annoying of them! They must really have nothing to do that they focus all their time on trying to create dirt on you.

If I was you I would not want to read all that nonsense either, nor would I want to have to justify my every move. I agree with Proffit that if your dd says anything to them it is probably due to them encouraging her and making her feel like she has to say something. Just keep being a good mom and living your life and ignore them.

I would also keep that account to print the e-mails for court, but not look at them the rest of the time. I think having all your e-mails go to a new account is best for your sanity. And maybe when bd and sm stop getting responses from their e-mails they will give up on their games.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 8:37PM
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"I think what bothers me so much about their allegations is that I'm afraid they may 'encourage' dd to say things that are not true about my husband and land us in trouble for something that isn't going on"

Of course they do... They're looking for ammunition, and DD is smart enough to give them what they want. (Any kid would.)

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 8:40PM
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I would open a new account but would not close that one and keep saving their emails for documentation of their insanity. but I would ask DD (gently) if she did speak about her stepdad. I would like to know what she says and how they interpret it. I wonder if she would tell you that they are questioning her and that would be something to address with your lawyer.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 8:50PM
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"I would open a new account but would not close that one and keep saving their emails for documentation of their insanity."

good idea.

(((HUGS))) myfampg, I'm so sorry. :( I don't understand them at all.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 8:59PM
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ditto. keep the email just for them. I wouldn't ask DD if she said anything though.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 9:43PM
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I dont either. I have such low self esteem and it seems all the work and progress I've made comes crashing when I get these emails. Several years ago SM would email me details that bd gave her about his feelings for me when we were married. I was overweight during our marriage but dropped a good 50 lbs when we divorced. Everyone told me I was 'too' thin. Over the years I've gained about 20 healthy pounds and I actually feel good about myself now. Dd told me that they told her I am overweight and have bad eating habits and dd says she is now worried about me dying from diseases. I'm not at all overweight but I'll never be as thin as SM because I'm 5 inches taller than her. She is built different than me. I'm at a good BMI and I don't make bad eating choices. Her dd is super tall and super thin where my dd is very short and kind of squatty but not overweight or even at risk for it but they compare the girls and make dd feel worried about her health. She is short!! She has short legs, not long legs and no matter how hard she tries she will never be built like the stepsister. My sister and I are blood sisters and completely different in shape and size and height.
Kinda went off track, when I was getting these emails from SM, I was so miserable in my own skin. I internalize every thing she said about me. And I've always been a believer that 'the guilty one always speaks first'. So by internalizing her words, I made myself believe I was the things she said... It was when I met my Dh that I was even able to believe that I had some worth left in me. I haven't received an email from SM in 3 years by court order... So I've had time to heal and time to not be attacked. My therapist made me print off every single email that SM ever wrote me and give them to my attorney. I then put them all on a disk for him to keep for future reference. I then deleted every email from SM that said anything nasty about myself. I would read those emails everyday and cry and willow in self doubt. It was self mutilation really. By not having the vial emails, I can't read them anymore and see all the horrible things she said to me about my body or about my sex life with exDh or about my parenting or my eating habits or my financial status or not having a degree so I don't know anything (I proved her wrong with that one when I finished school) then there were the emails giving me 'guidance' because 'she is old enough to be my mother' telling me how to spend the child support and what I should sell so that I could be independent like she was ... And how difficult it must be to be single and how if I would just take care of myself I could find me a good man. All the while I was withering away, getting skinnier and feeling ugly every day and feeling like everyone was looking at me because they must see what she sees. And how this man that I loved with all of my heart and was the father of my child, thought I was a nasty cow and couldn't stand to even kiss me ... So he finally left.
Wow right?
Well... I got therapy and I moved on but not without hard work and dedication. Nothing about SMs attacks have ever really been about dd. They mostly were just personal attacks on my appearance and my 'status' but now it's not so much on my appearance but on the one thing I've put all of my hear in to and that is my parenting. I don't think I could have made it 10 years with an A honor roll student, who is exceptional in everything she does (well except sports lol!!) but that isn't just born... It's made ... I've helped dd get to the wonderful kiddo that she is. I did it alone for many years and even bd can't take much credit for how dd has turned out.. He hasnt been around. He gets to take credit but he shouldn't. So I know I'm a good mom. I know I am but the words in writing cut so deep. And I start questioning myself on everything I do. I have a counseling appointment scheduled for Monday and dd's is on Thursday. That should help me some. I have gotten to where I just read and move it over to the 'BD' file. I should just go ahead and label it SM since I know BD isn't in to writing and not much in to punctuation. My friends tell me, consider the source... So much easier said than done ...

I did talk to DD today. I gently said ' I'm not going to be mad, you can tell me anything, is there something going on with DH that you want to talk about?' she said no and gave me this 'you're crazy' look. I said well your dad has some concerns and I just want to know what they are so that I can get it fixed. She said no why would dad be worried about DH? We never talk about him. I said last week when you and dad talked about me and the things that bothered him about me you never complained about Dh? She said no he never came up at all. They don't ever say anything about him, they think he is nice but I don't talk about him. I said well it's ok of you do, you know, I have a stepdad too and I know how it can be sometimes so I would understand. And she said no not at all I love him and he is always nice to me. I said well it doesn't have to be about being nice. It can be if you think he isn't fair or if he has ever hurt your feelings or made you feel like you can't say something that you want to say and she literally started laughing and said mom, you are so weird. And she just stopped the conversation by getting up and walking off.
I believe she never complained about him. Like I said, he has never gotten involved -- there were a few times a while back that dd was doing things like not listening to me or not doing something the first time but he has never even raised his voice at her. He just says 'dd listen to your mom' but he isn't even really stern. He is the fun parent while I'm the disciplinary. That is how it is for both kids. He backs me up but literally he doesn't ever raise his voice or anything like that. So I'm sure they just wanted something else to complain about.

I've received another email today and it was demanding but that was all. He is wanting me to tell him where dd is staying over the summer. She isn't staying in daycare so i don't have to notify him of where she is. I wouldnt mind telling him, with my parents but he isn't very nice about it so I just don't plan to respond immediately. Why am I expected to respond within 12 hours? Am I expected to check my email every hour for an email from him every day? And when I don't respond they just get more demanding and that makes me want to not respond at all. I thought about responding tomorrow to the second email by saying 'she is staying here
And be done with it. No other comments but really... I do not have to tell him where she is during the summer. He isn't going to tell me where she is when she is with him and I'm not going to demand to know either. She's with him and it's his time not mine. Respect, ever heard of it? Honey? Ever heard of it. I Promise that bd and even sm would get a lot more information if they actually used more honey than venom.

Thanks for listening ladies/gents. I really appreciate being able to vent.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 9:44PM
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After your last post it is becoming evident that sm is jealous of you. That is the only reason I can see for her putting you down and trying to tell you how to live your life.

And the demanding e-mail from your ex of his wife asking where your dd will be during the summer and saying you have to respond in 12 hours?? I would not even respond at all to it!! That would probably drive them crazy! LOL

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 10:30PM
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Myfam. Deep breath.

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.

Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!"

� Sam Levenson

Ever heard the saying "rent free"? It's what you're giving SM. Rent free space in your head.

Kick her to the curb and keep walking. SM is bored and jealous and petty and unkind. I'm sorry you had to hear all of those things, it must be devastating to hear. But you are worth far more than her words.

Remember that our bodies are gifts. You did not choose your body and she did not choose hers. You do what you can with the body you're given and that's about all you can do. The only thing you can really, truly improve is your heart and mind. Pretty is as pretty does. Don't let her inside of you. She's toxic.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 10:42PM
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Thank you incognito and silver ... I still haven't responded and I'm not going to. There really isnt anything I could say that would 'make me feel better like punching them' or making me feel better by being kind and polite. I tried kind and polite and it angers her even more. A friend thinks that when I am kind, ExDh might soften a bit and say, I think she is trying to get along... And then SM goes through the roof because she doesn't want us to get along because in her twisted little brain, if we are getting along, then we must be getting back together. Keeping the fight going, keeps us separated. I really believe that her biggest insecurity is that ex and I did get back together several times for short periods of time. Like we would start talking and then we would go on a date and then another but then we would just drift apart for a while, then back together and so on. We were still married legally most of the times we were getting back together. And then twice after the divorce. I know she thinks it's my fault that he was unfaithful to (in my opinion) us both, but I wasn't the one in the relationship with her. I was lied to and 'cheated' on as well. But I know SM didn't do that to me. She wasn't really the other woman that split up our marriage because we were legally separated and then divorced shortly after they met. I told her one time (in my time of throwing back my venom) that she could have him, I didn't want to be with a man that lies and cheats. YOu only get one chance to lie and cheat on me and he did it! So I was done with him. But I don't believe he was done with me and I honestly think she knows that. SM was the woman that picked up a wounded dog and 'healed his broken heart'. She was the one that listened to him fuss about our marriage and cry over our divorce and on and on and on about myfam and our child together ... Blah blah blah blah blah... So I'm sure that it's hard for her wondering if he still has all those feelings... I'm sure she wonders if he is really over me. At this point I won't flatter myself in thinking that he isn't over me because I'm sure he is... But I don't understand why she's not.
And it's ok for SM not to like me. She can hate me or think I'm trash all she wants but to tell my child those things is wrong!! And to constantly keep us in an uproar with this email thing.
That's why I was thinking that deleting my email would be the best way to just get away from them for a while but then I started thinking that since it is our 'only' means of communication right now, what happens when I need something or when I need to use something in court and I only have 3 attacking emails when if I kept my account open I might have 50.. At this rate I know I'll have 50 by the end of the summer.

Thanks again. You Guys rock. Thanks silver for the poem, I'm copying. I love it.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 11:13PM
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You've already gotten some good advice. You were so nice with your advice on my thread, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this and you don't deserve it.

I too have struggled with my weight. I was always skinny, and got teased for it in school. My ex used to give me a hard time about it too, telling me I needed to work out so I would gain some weight. Mind you he never said he had a problem with my size until AFTER we were married. He said he thought I would gain like most women do after having kids, but I didn't. I'm 5'4" 110 lbs and I've been that size since I was 19.

Anyway, I realized he was the one with the problem, not me.
Try not to let them get you down. Sounds like SM is insecure about her relationship with DH. But she is the one with the problem, not you.

*hugs* Hope today is a better day for you.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2011 at 7:08AM
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Thank you Amber that's so sweet. I appreciate that. I'm better today. My Dh is very supportive of me and always tells me I'm beautiful so it's not like I go without compliments, it's just that when someone cuts you down constantly it just grates on your nerves and esteem.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2011 at 9:35AM
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I wonder if emails about weight or other personal things could qualify for harassment, but I know it was in the past. Personally I would not respond to emails at all, does the court order say you must? if not, just don't reply at all but save evrything.

I think she is jealous that you have a nice husband and good marriage while she probably has issues with your ex and their marriage is shaky. That's why she makes stuff that DD says about your DH as to drive a wedge between you and your DH, she can't stand it that you got rid of her husband (not so nice) and got yourself a new and nice one.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2011 at 11:19AM
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"Nothing about SMs attacks have ever really been about dd."

Myfam -- Her attacks are about the same thing they've ALWAYS been about: Herself and her own insecurities.

" I tried kind and polite and it angers her even more. A friend thinks that when I am kind, ExDh might soften a bit and say, I think she is trying to get along... And then SM goes through the roof because she doesn't want us to get along because in her twisted little brain, if we are getting along, then we must be getting back together. Keeping the fight going, keeps us separated. I really believe that her biggest insecurity is that ex and I did get back together several times for short periods of time.
But I don't believe he was done with me and I honestly think she knows that."

Wise words MyFam. You're definitely onto something here. Maybe she feels like he's cheating again (with you?) and is desparately clawing at you to try to 'save' her marriage.

I know you want to take the high road, and I applaud you for that. One - It's just the right thing to do. And two - It drives SM even nuttier when you're nice. So continue to take the high road.

But here's one important thing to remember: SM is saying manipulative, nasty stuff to your daughter, and unless your daughter is prepared for it, you're leaving her unprepared. You need to help DD protect herself and learn to judge for herself what stuff is true and what stuff isn't.

People say terrible things when they're angry, and SM is a very angry person. You wouldn't be 'badmouthing' anyone to tell your daughter those simple facts. You could even flat-out tell her that some of the things SM says are probably true, that some are sorta true but really just mean, and that some are not true at all -- and that DD is going to have to judge for herself which statements are true and which are not. This is what I mean by preparing her. This is an important life lesson that (IMO) every parent should have with their child. Teach her about 'spin' and distorting the truth. It happens everywhere -- examples are so easy to find. Let her know so she can recognize is when she sees it, and protect herself from the kind of pain you are experiencing.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2011 at 1:13PM
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Thanks sweeby that is great advice! I know empowering dd and preparing her is the best way to protect her. However, I still think she is too young to have to deal with this but it's out of my control, I have to protect her. I see her becoming a rebellious teen who can play mom and dad and stepmom against each other.
Po1 I don't know if that's harassment but wouldn't it be nice if it was? I can't imagine why Sm would be jealous of me, I really only have 1 thing that she doesn't have and that is a child with her husband. Well and maybe 2 other things... Love and happiness

    Bookmark   June 4, 2011 at 2:10PM
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that's exactly what she is jealous about: you have a good marriage, she possibly not, you have more children and she is too old, you are married to a nice man she is married to a loony, you are young and she is not. In her mind it is a lot to be jealous about.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2011 at 2:23PM
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(((HUGS))) Ditto everyone else---she is JEALOUS of you.

I went through similar stuff with my SS's mother. Opposite situation in that I am the SM, she is the BM.

But not all that different in that you and I are good, kind-hearted people doing our best to care for our children. I have a DD and my SS, while you have your DD and DS.

We were both physically assaulted.

And verbally.

And I totally understand, the verbal stuff is FAR more hurtful.

BM has pretty much been out of my head/life for the past two years because I had a restraining order on her, and she couldn't send me nasty emails. But, believe me, for YEARS she did, and she would leave me nasty, hateful voicemails.

One we played for the GAL in DH's court case---right after BM had assaulted me. In it, she called me a "pubic-haired b*tch" and made comments about my weight. She has ALWAYS called me fat. I don't get it at all because I am 5'3" and weigh about 117 lbs! WTF.

I think it's a female thing to go RIGHT to weight/appearance. Women like your DD's SM or my SS's BM---CRUEL women---have this urge to attack and hurt, and they lash out at US in the very areas they themselves are so self conscious and insecure about.

You are beautiful inside and out. I don't even know but I can tell that just by your posts here on GW. You are SO much better, so much more of a mother, wife and WOMAN than SM ever could be. And she knows it!!! That's why she is relentless in her attacks on you. She wants to bring you down to her level of misery.

Don't let her. She is NOT worth your time or mental energy. Save all the emails, print them, file them away but don't respond and try not to even let them get at you.

I really feel for you, honey. I think your situation is so very painful because SM is attacking you as a mother. Mine was less painful/easier to take because BM was attacking me as a SM.

I think as mothers our defenses instantly go up. There were times that BM would take jabs at my daughter and I wanted to fly thrugh the roof!

It's more hurtful and personal. And,again, she knows it!

I don't understand why this woman cannot just parent her own DD, help BD parent your DD when she is there and LEAVE YOU THE H*LL ALONE?!

She is really emotionally disturbed.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2011 at 3:59PM
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You are right Love.

And thanks so much-- I really appreciate all of that. Really. I feel beat down after get an email. I handled the physical attack much better than I ever handle the written email attacks. The words sometimes burn into my eyes.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2011 at 10:12PM
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Perhaps your lawyer could ask BD if he would be willing to testify in court that he actually wrote these emails? And point out the order that SM is not to communicate with you?

    Bookmark   June 5, 2011 at 3:41PM
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Hi Susan-- he already testified that he didn't write earlier emails and that didn't go so well for him but it still continues even though the judge told him 'to stop allowing his wife to do his job as the co-parent because she is a catalyst for us and so she needs to stay out of it' but ... Nevertheless. Here we are.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2011 at 8:46PM
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Myfampg, I'm a bit late to this; I hope you are feeling better.

I wonder if it would work for you to have an automatic filter set up on your email that forwards messages from your ex/SM directly to someone else (like DH?) Usually emails are not necessarily time-critical matters to begin with, so a potential time lag should be OK (not a time lag in the forwarding; that would take seconds. But a time lag for someone else to read and then contact you if necessary.)

Of course, you should and are the one who needs to respond about any actual parenting issues or concerns. But it sounds like the purpose of these emails is nothing more than to upset you, and so far, it's working. It's easy to say "Oh, just ignore them" - but far harder to do in practice. So that is why I'm wondering if it's better that you never actually even see them? Your DH would no doubt be irritated at their stupidity but I imagine it would not upset him the way that it does you. If there is any real issue that needs to be addressed, DH could let you know - and otherwise, DH can just archive for court or whatever and remain silent.

    Bookmark   June 6, 2011 at 12:02AM
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