My husband feels like he's being MADE to choose b/w me & daughter

tjloJune 23, 2013

Before his daughter moved in with us, she and I had a wonderful relationship and I was on board with her moving in with us because we got along and I wanted for my husband to get a chance to raise his daughter. Fast forward three years where our relationship has deteriorated with her dramatically. For me, it happened over time. Little things like me being made the bad guy, husband not supporting me, her arguing with me and him accusing us of arguing like teenagers, her being incredibly disrespectful to the both of us, throwing 5 yr. old tantrums when she's expected to clean her bathroom, etc. She picked up on the disconnect and saw that we weren't a team when it came to her and she exploited it by causing a wedge in our marriage.

Over the last year, I have been disengaging and became completely disengaged by the end of 2012. This occurred because of two occasions where she lied to him for attention and to get her way that required throwing me under the bus. For me that was the last straw. She cares more about herself and getting her way and I mean nothing to her. And my husband is a lazy parent who has allowed this behavior, which I highly resent.

She has graduated and will be 19 years old in November. I feel that I've given her everything I can possibly give her and am done being disrespected, taken advantage of, lied to, and most importantly betrayed. I cannot live with her any longer for these reasons and so many more. I've given him until mid August and she needs to be going off to a college with a dorm, joining the military, getting a full time job/apartment, or moving back in with her mother. The last resort is for him to move out so he can continue the life we've led with her under our roof for the last three years.

He feels like he's being MADE to choose and I feel like if he were to step up and actually parent her things would have turned out a lot differently. She has decent grades and SAT scores that will get her into college, however she didn't get into the only 2 schools which she applied- the one where her partying friends go and the other with her boyfriend. So she started looking at community colleges near those schools, but those don't have dorms so she thinks her mom and dad should split the cost of an apartment. If he had spent the last 4 months being a parent and sitting down with her to choose 3 other schools to apply to and filling out the applications with her to ensure they get done, he wouldn't be putting himself in the position of having to choose. He gave her a deadline of May 30 and she never followed through, nor did he. He even mentioned going on a school visit with her, but didn't follow through on that either.

I'm being accused of giving him an ultimatum. Again, his lack of parenting and lack of expectations for his daughter are causing this. If he would have done a little parenting, been involved in the school selection, and given her direction we wouldnt be in this position.

Fast foward two months and we are still at an impasse. She has chosen to go to a local tech school without any housing. We are down to the last two weeks and I haven't seen or hear of any plans for her to move out.

He knows I will no longer subject myself to living with her any longer. I own the home we are in, as I purchased it when I was single, but I've also said I'd move out before I'd spend another day in this house with her. I know this sounds strong, but it as taken three years to get to this point and three years of her attitude tainting the atmosphere of this home. He's already told me that if he has to move out with her we will get a divorce. I feel that if it comes to that then I know I did everything I could and we weren't meant to be.

This post was edited by tjlo on Fri, Aug 2, 13 at 7:34

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well, it's not like waiting for her to grow up, if it works for her she is not going to stop. Your husband favoring his daughter is never going to change either. The only chance for that to change is when you tell him you want a divorce. Then you will find out if he loves you enough to support your feelings. In the mean time protect your assets if you have any and make plans for the break.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2013 at 5:05PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You aren't losing your marriage over a wishy washy teenager.

You're losing your marriage over a wishy washy husband.

You're blaming the wrong person.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2013 at 3:36AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh, I'm already fully aware he's to blame here. However, the step daughter has been raised better and she knows what she is doing when she lies, cheats, stomps, manipulates, and takes advantage of others. She does it because she's been allowed to and because she's self centered (I'm hoping as a teenager she grows out if that).

    Bookmark   June 24, 2013 at 7:05AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
New- Really need help..
Hi I am new here but hoping as people in the same...
7 year old step son troubles please help
Hello everyone, I need some advise please. I have been...
will the real mom please stand up!
I'm all confused. My kids bio-mom abandoned us with...
To visit or not to visit
About three years ago, after many instances of being...
Marrying Widower with Adult Children
Somebody help me, please! I am about to marry a widower...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™