SD fed up

wild_thingJune 2, 2009

My sd is a piece of work. I am so tired of it. ARRRRRGGGG!!!!! She is 16. A sophomore in h/s. Has a part time job. Doesn't talk to her mom, or her older brother.

She has been in counseling for 3 months or so. Every week.

The only thing that has been accomplished there is that she knows her mom is a first class as*hole now.

As far as the having friends, bringing her grades up, listening at home, and changing her attitude.....not so much.

She talks to a friend on the phone (usually only when we leave the house?:) . Suppose that is a step. @@ Still doesn't do crap for a 16 year old girl. No movies, no mall, no hanging out, etc....but the few times she did....she always had fun. Go figure. She isn't one of those loner kids either, cuz she always wants to 'get people's attention' by what she wears etc. She was also mixed up with the gang kids and we suspect still does talk to them. Counselor has no insight on this matter either. She doesn't "get it" any better than we do. About the not wanting to be around her friends more. Because she is very defensive to say she has a lot of friends but won't invite anyone over etc.

Oh an example of her friends....two biggie, has a car...she has already skipped classes to go out to lunch with them. Then they wanted her to go to Denver Colorado with them one weekend...ROFL!! So was not going to happen! But where in the world are these girls parents??? No clue. Even her counselor laughed when she brought up wanting to drive to another state with her great friends. LOL. Same two girls wanted her to get a hotel room for her birthday. NOT!!!

As far as grades...well school will be done on Friday...some classes are doing finals this last week, some are finished already. I looked at my son's grades online yesterday (he had a couple to bring up as well, and I am happy to say he did) so I checked out hers as well, cuz after all she keeps telling dh and counselor that she is doing her work and turning stuff in and doing the make up work blah blah blah..... yeah.....that is why she still has D's in three classes and an F in another. I was floored. These teachers are just stupid as hell too!! We made her join a club....trying to get her to expand her horizons.....a few weeks back they went on a field trip for the end of the year.....yeah, they were gone all freakin' day!!!!! Since when do they let kids who are failing classes go on all day field trips???? The teachers signed off on this too!!! I was pissed! DH thought it was just a half a day thing. They didn't even come back until after 4. They went clear to the mountains. She knew this, didn't say anything to us....and her dumb as* wore shorts, and a tank top.....yeah..hello...our mountains still have snow that is 6 feet high. lol....she had to tromp through the snow and scraped up her legs in the hard snow. Duh!!!!

She is already signed up for summer school. She didn't even try to bring her grades up. She says she has, but there is no possible way she even tried...not even one iota!!! My son had the same amount of time to bring two grades up, and he managed to do it. She either stayed the same or got worse!

Yeah, the slips she was supposed to bring home on Fridays, signed by each teacher about her progress etc....she hasn't done that in forever.....oh and can you even imagine that she had that many subs???? Dh asked her last night why she hadn't been bringing those home....just got the same big doe eyed sad face and shrug. Tears always work don't they??? ARGGGG!

No one holds this kid responsible. Not even her freakin dad! It makes me so mad! Plus, there is nothing to be done for consequences! How do you give consequences for not following through on things, when the kids doesn't do a damn thing??????? That is my biggest question. I know that is why she just keeps doing the same thing over and over.

This kid loves to be lazy. It is a way of life for her. That is what her mom taught her. Let others do the work for take the easy way out of things.

If things are too hard, she just gives up. Flat quits. It is just sickening to me. sick sick sick. Because this is the way it is with even the most simple of tasks with her.

I don't know....I am just fed up with her. I do not think that counseling is even working with her. So far it just seems to be a waste of time and money. Nothing has changed in 3 plus months....unless you count how dh and I have tried to be more accommodating to her in order to help nurture some change....nope....didn't help at all, she just started taking advantage and doing even less if you can imagine.

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"No one holds this kid responsible. Not even her freakin dad!

You've hit the nail on the head!
If no one has any expectations of kids, they will have no expectations of themselves.

So how do you whip DH's butt into helping his DD succeed? And how do you help her want to succeed?
I haven't got a freakin' clue!!

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 6:48PM
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You sound very angry and upset - perhaps you need to disengage for a bit and let your husband handle all the things that pertain to his daughter. Kids can be very perceptive and if you're having a hard time in relation to her - chances are she knows it and either doesn't care or wants to get a rise out of you. Don't give her that power. Let your husband know exactly why he now has to take complete and full responsibility for his daughter. Let him know your feelings on the matter. And leave the parenting of her to him.

I know that your son is probably watching and wondering why she gets the breaks. All you need to do is remind him that by listening to you, he doesn't have to get up early this summer to go to summer school.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 10:47PM
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She is a sophomore in HS and has a part time job? Excuse me, but that is doing something.

Your entire post is a derisive put down of this girl. You call her names. You call her teachers names. Maybe you are just venting here because you are fed up, but if this is the attitude you show your SD at home, then I would shut down around you as well. I didn't find anything in your 8 paragraphs that indicated any real thought into what could be the matter with this girl.

Has she been evaluated for ADD? (often these kids are accused of being lazy, don't do well in school, give up easily when challenged, and forget things like bringing notes home from teachers).And how about depression, although you say she is in counseling and hopefully a good counselor would address that. And my second thought is that positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative. That is, when she does do something good, praise her, smile, reward her in some way, even just giving her a quick hug. You will get more results than if you put her down all the time.

BTW, my DS goes on all day field trips with his school all the time. It's pretty standard and can be a good way to learn for kids who don't have the skill set to sit in a classroom and learn by listening to a teacher talk to them. Learning occurs in all different ways.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 11:05PM
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I agree, I feel for this girl -- seems that no one seems to care -- a post that starts with calling someone a piece of work. Comparing kids, even biological siblings, is not effective parenting.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 11:19PM
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Ceph- I totally agree. The lack of holding her responsible is making the situation worse as time goes on, that is what I have been seeing. Plus you got it right, how does one "help" her want to succeed? I have said it before, when she sees things as "too hard" then she just gives up and quits.

lonepiper- thank you. I have times when I do have to disengage, and probably have to again. The yo yo-ing is tough. One time I think i might disengage and never return. You know?
My son doesn't care how she does in school because he seemed to realize at some point this year that his grades really are important, so that is one big reason why he brought his two grades up. He is used to seeing her get "the breaks" as you say, because all she has to do is flash her doe eyes and cry and people seem to crumble and give in to her in some way.

barb5- I have been in this girls life since she was two years old. This is not just some whim of mine. This is years of trying and putting myself out there for her. ADD? oh puleez. No, there is no chance of that. @@ She only recently started doing crappy in school. She is perfectly capable of the C's that were all that was asked of her. As for the positive reinforcement...preachin' to the choir. I know. I just said in my post that we have been more than accommodating to her, and giving her praise for getting her dishes done @@, thanking her when she managed to vacuum the rugs for me ONE day....yeah, there is praise, thanks, etc....but like I said, she got an inch and took a mile. She got worse.

Kkny-kiss my a@@

I am not one of the step parents who has only been at this for a few years or less. I have been in my skids lives since they were very little. I know them. I have been there for them, I have cared for them and loved them.
I know all about counseling, testing, all of it. We have been through hell and back with these kids.
If i want to vent then I damn well will. I will hear you out, but I will put you in your place when you are done. Because like I said, I am not a step parent who has not been around this block a million times.
In the beginning their bio mom spread lies and rumors about their dad and I, and even accused him of being the father of my oldest son. He was 2 when we met! They lived in a small town, that is where my dh grew up, he doesn't even go back there because of that bit2h and her family. He sold the house he lived in there.
We have taken my ss in when his mother would throw him out. We talked to authorities and reported them when the kids told us of abuses. We tried to work with her and help her in the beginning to be a better mom to the kids. In the end we just assume never talk to her. It is better that way. It was my mistake to think that she could be worked with and be a decent human being.
The entire story is just way too long to even get into....but let me just say.....I have done my best for these kids, and I get nothing in return...such is the life of a step parent. I accepted it and I still accept it. If I want to vent and rant here where there are other step moms who have been in my shoes then i will. Like I said, you can post your opinions without knowing my full story but be prepared to get your a@@ shot down for it too.
I am not perfect, but I know how to be a parent and a step parent. I am well educated and I have worked with many many at risk children and foster children to know troubled when I see it.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 1:48AM
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oh, and btw....yeah she works....she works only on weekends, and wouldn't even have her job if dad wasn't waking her up on time lol. He says he isn't "anymore", but I know better. Plus she always wants them to let her off early.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 2:20AM
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OK, you are really angry, I get it. And I have been there as well. My SD was once 16, and believe me, it wasn't always warm and fuzzy at our house. But I never would have thought of calling her names.

The thing is is that we are all "pieces of work" when we are 16. But if we are handled right and have people around us who can show us the way in loving ways that don't demean us and let us know that they have faith in us, then hopefully we metamorph into lovely 20 years old.

I saw some good things in your post- setting guidelines (saying no to the hotel room), getting her to join a club at school, getting SD into counseling, and you say trying to positively reinforce good behavior. But your anger and hostility and belittling dismissal of people comes through so loud and clear and even gets transferred here to those who have responded to your post, that I predict it is highjacking the good things.

I think Lonepiper has given good advice for you to disengage at this point. Go do something good for you- spend an afternoon with a friend doing something you like to do, take a long walk after dinner to get out of the house. And leave the parenting to DH.

Is counseling an option for you?

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 6:50AM
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I come here to vent people. If not let my anger out here, then better I should take it out on her???? I don't think so. I already told you people, I am not stupid. I have been around the block and worked with many kids. I know what burn out is.
Since when is saying someone is a piece of work calling them names?? Damn, I have called people worse than that and I like them .
This place is supposed to be something good for me. A place to vent. Get it??
I go out and do stuff with my friends every saturday. So no worries there ladies.
I leave parenting my sd to my dh. Yes. The other three kids I take care of because she takes up a good portion of his time.
The reason for my anger? I have been doing this for over 13 years. In and out of counseling with the both of my skids. Again I say hell and back with them. Stuff only a few here could understand. So yes, if I display the occasional burst of anger I think it is perfectly understandable.
I have posted several times in the last few months how things have been going alright with sd also. Guess everyone missed those posts....too boring and dull and not enough info to bash someone or suggest that they need counseling. I would love to go myself btw, but we don't have the money for it since sd is in counseling and we are still paying off my surgery bill from march.
I didn't ask for advice. My post was merely one for venting. I know that there are a few ladies here that I would listen to but so far no one has said anything that I don't already know myself, only because I have been doing this for so long.
There is a point one reaches where they get so frustrated at times that they want to scream....well my post was that moment for me. Do I behave that way ALL the I would hate to think that some of you are like stepford wives that have no emotion at all and only behave one way.
Not me, I am as real as the sky and sea...and I feel things just like the next person. Just because I am a step mom that means I don't get to vent frustration or anger at a situation?? That is stupid thinking. There are so many standards for step parents it is ridiculous. I live here too and I see what goes on and I do have opinions. I am allowed.
I get pissed at my 15 year old son too....he gets me angry and frustrated....but since this is a step parenting forum I don't really bother with the stuff that he does that gets on my you step mom bashers don't need to think my "anger" is only targeted at my sd. There is plenty to go around! I am a mom to four kids in our house, this is just one tiny itty bitty portion of my life that I share here. @@

FYI, due to my checking on sd's grades online, she turned in a bunch of assignments for geometry and english that she didn't...some were done, some were not and she finished them...maybe three geometry assignments and one fairly big english assignment...well, she got her C's in all but english...and that was a d. She felt bad that SHE had been lying to us and saying she was turning her stuff in when she had it in her bag. So she did what she had to and turned the rest in.
I am such a horrible step parent! :::holds out hand for slapping::::: *** reminds self that no thoughts of frustration or anger allowed towards skids**** ::::::reserve that for your own children, shame on me:::::::::::

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 4:25PM
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" you step mom bashers don't need to think my "anger" is only targeted at my sd. There is plenty to go around!"

That's for sure.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 4:28PM
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oh and my "belittling and dismissing" .....I don't like kkny, so I have nothing good to say to her. Thats just me, I read her posts to others and I dont like anything she has to say. My opinion only.
Also, like I said, I take what I can use and toss the rest.
If people are going to post and misconstrue what I post, then I will set them straight. That is how I am, that is just me.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 4:29PM
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I know your frustration and you have every right to come on here and vent! I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all better... I've gone through the same thing as you, there were "his" girls and "my" son. My boy has always had to live with my DH's double standards between him and DH's girls, luckily my son seems to know that he's getting a good life-education out of the situation and he rolls with it very well.

Hope it gets better!

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 4:29PM
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poppin' thanks. My son seems to understand that too, although it was not always that way. Especially when he was little and we had my ss and he was physically violent towards him.
He does well now, with adjusting, he sometimes gets along with his step sister, but then he doesn't get along with his little sister but that is just kids so...
It does get better, I was having a bad day, and vented. Today is another day and I feel much better about today.

You know, sometimes we only see one tiny portion of someones day or a peek into just a section of their lives.
Like I mentioned, we have four children in our house, things are busy busy here. There are things that go on every day of every week. Most are all good, but we do have moments.

I wouldn't change it. My sd knows this is her home, because her mom doesn't want her. She is allowed to feel bad about that and be angry about it, just as much as I am allowed to get frustrated about her issues. We are a family that says you feel what you feel, just talk about it, that is all we ask. That is where sd has a hard time. But she isn't the only one, it is a teen thing, cuz my son is sometimes the same way.

We have family things we do, I just havn't posted about it. I didn't think I needed to justify every post I made here lol. I am a mother figure to my sd and I do things with her that her mom should be doing, but I havn't posted about those things either. But that is why I did say that I put myself out there time and again. Because I do. But I don't have to draw pictures for some. :::wink:::

I do need a vacation. I would love one! Someplace crazy maybe....the south??? ROFL! Just kidding.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 4:56PM
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I think you have every right to come here and vent. I have done the same in the past and will do it again in the future, I'm sure. Being a stepparent can be hard work and a thankless job. There are people that will argue that parenting bio-children is hard work and thankless at times; and yeah, maybe sometimes, but it IS different. I have my DD's love--and I am her mama. That makes everything I do for her NOT thankless!

With my SS, it is different. I do the same kinds of things for him, but there is not that parent/child bond. At the end of the day, he doesn't run to me when he is scared or sad, he doesn't call me first when he is excited about something...he goes to his mom or dad for those things. And that's OKAY, I don't expect him to view me as his mom. BUT it does make the relationships different.

Step-parenting has been THE MOST CHALLENGING thing I have done in my life, even more so than having my DD at 21 and being a single mom.

And sometimes there is nothing you can do but vent about the frustrations that go along with it---so vent away!

    Bookmark   June 3, 2009 at 4:59PM
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thanks lovehadley!

I do like to vent every now and again. I get frustrated. By what some people post in replies, you would think it wasn't okay to ever feel angry and frustrated. Just because that is what I post here does not mean that is what is being projected on to my family. I am a lot more patient with them lol.

I have an almost 23 month old who has turned out to be my most difficult child lol...I know all about patience! My little man is one strong willed child indeed.
You gotta know we are a bit crazy ourselves to have agreed to start over with another baby when dh's oldest is almost 19 lol.
We have two together, "our" oldest is 6, and now the baby (23 months). We didn't have our daughter until 6 years into our marriage though.

One thing we noticed with sd, with having the little ones, is that she experiences jealousies related to how we interact with them. Because she has lived with us since her sister was just a baby. But it is seeing the interaction that we have with them as they grow that makes her jealous, because she knows that she didn't get that, and also that her little brother (from her mom and step dad) also didn't get that, because they had her watching him most of the time. So we have had to watch her interaction with them, mostly with her sister, because she used to be really mean to her. Since she is older, we havn't noticed it with the baby. She actually has a nice bond with him.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2009 at 3:52PM
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