Parenting plan question

lovehadleyJune 9, 2009

BM has had SS the last three 4th of Julys.

The first two (of those 3) were before they had gone to court, and the holiday just happened to fall on one of BM's days. Last 4th of July was on DH's day, but it was in the midst of the court battle, and BM had kept their son for three weeks per the advice of her attorney. It was devastating for DH as he had never been apart from his son for more than 3 nights. :(

So BM "stole" last 4th of July from DH.

This year---the 4th falls on BM's weekend. BUT in the parenting plan, the 4th is DH's holiday this year.

Up until now, DH and BM have not followed the plan regarding holidays at all. They have been cooperative, and have shared Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, as they always have done, regardless of "whose holiday" it was.

BUT for the 4th this year--DH is adamant that he WILL get his son. We have not taken him to see the parade or fireworks since he was 4!

BM apparently has not read the parenting plan AT ALL and doesn't realize that the 4th is DH's holiday.

He is planning on telling her this soon, and we expect her to flip out about it.

My question---can DH pick and choose which holidays/days to exercise? I am afraid that BM is going to say, "well, you let me have him on Christmas Eve and that was your day" etc.

Or does he have the right to exercise it anytime he wants?

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Not sure how his reads but mine read that the agreement can be changed as long as both parties agree. There for if he doesn't agree that he wants to give up July 4th then the agreement stands and he would get DS.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 3:55PM
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Yes, that is pretty much how theirs is worded, as well.

It's kind of a shame it has to be so pissy this time because generally, they work well and compromise on holidays.

Every Halloween, they alternate who gets SS the first half of the evening. So he always gets to trick or treat w/both parents. The parenting plan gives Halloween as a whole to one parent or the other.

Same with Thanksgiving, they split the afternoon in half.
And BM always wants SS on Christmas Eve, and DH would prefer to get him around 10 AM on Christmas Day and have all day to play w/the new stuff, so they just do that every yr.

I am sure as SS gets older, he will have more input, though.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 4:01PM
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Yep. That's how mine is. If they can't agree, an offer can be made, but if it's not accepted then the one with the day in writing gets it.

I'm sorry. This sounds hard.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 4:10PM
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They will more involved as they get older but right now it is what you make it. For me right now is about making memories for the kids. If she has had them the past several years then it is his turn to enjoy that with his son. I wouldn't feel bad about it at all.

My EX if given to much wiggle room it always bites me in the butt. I gave him the little boys yesterday. He texted me that the boys were sunburnt and in pain. He says this because first thing this spring they came home roasted. I told him if he is going to have them outside until they have some sun don't let them burn like that. MY DH had them at the pool all day before Ex got them. He knew that but what Ex didn't know was it was an INDOOR POOL!! He was just mad because DH had a ball with them and he had to wait. I had offered him the boys Sunday night but said no he couldn't afford to feed them and pay child support. He is so full of CRAP. I didn't get upset and told him that was fine. THEN the very next day he out of the blue got a settlement and now he can afford to eat. DO I LOOK STUPID??

All that being said, when things are bad and the ex isn't playing nice with others it is the time to get out the orders and live by the rules.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 4:43PM
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"All that being said, when things are bad and the ex isn't playing nice with others it is the time to get out the orders and live by the rules."

I sometimes wish DH and BM would do that, especially with all the drama going on lately.

They are technically supposed to divide the summer into 2 week increments, which I think would be really nice. But neither of them wants to go that long without seeing their son, so they don't.

Then again, sometimes there are things that do come up, and having flexibility IS nice. for example, tonight, we are taking the kids, with my dad and his GF and her kids, to a circus we go to every yr. It's not our night to have SS but DH switched nights w/BM so we could have him.

And two weeks ago, BM had a BBQ she wanted to take him to, and DH traded nights w/her for that.

I am grateful that, no matter how bad things in court get, they are *usually* able to cooperate.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 4:55PM
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The written plan is meant to stand up against disagreements. When the parents do NOT agree, they must go by what's written. If they agree otherwise, who's going to complain?

However, I will caution you... as the BM you are dealing with is SOOOOO much like SD's mom... maybe her clone?!

Well, when BM refused to pay any of SD's medical bills and DH decided he was going to stop 'accommodating' her in allowing her mom to get SD from school for her and DH said that until she does what she's supposed to, he isn't straying from the order to do her any favors. So, about a week later, BM was visiting her mom on a Sunday. BM's mom lives just about an hour away from us. BM sent DH a text to say she was going to be late getting home (she refused to tell us where she was) and got pissy when DH told her no, she had to be on time because it's a 3 hour drive & we get home late as it is. So, we drove to get SD on time... and she was there when we got home. SD tells DH that her mom is really angry she had to hurry back to drive her back so DH could pick her up on time. When DH found out BM had been at her mom's and we could have picked up SD from there so she didn't have to rush back, she could have stayed to visit, BM sniped at him "well, you said you wanted to go by the order!" So, SD ended up stuck in a car for nearly 7 hours that day and it never occurred to her that she was making her daughter suffer... she was too focused on making DH drive all the way. She's doing it again this summer because SD is staying with grandma during the week & BM goes to get her on Thursday night so I can drive 6 hours round trip on Friday to get her from BM's house at 2pm on Friday...

lol, I told DH he ought to cancel on her at the last minute and SD could spend the weekend with BM... he said no, it would make him look bad if he cancels a weekend with her. LMAO, it won't it make HER look bad leaving SD at her mom's all week and if DH canceled and she got 'stuck' taking care of her daughter for the weekend (ruining her party plans) if she complains?

Of course we aren't playing that game, but it's funny to think of how BM would play it.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 6:12PM
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The BM has to let your DH have his son on the 4th if the Order says so and he plans to exercise his rights. If she says no, she's in contempt. Agreements not spelled out in the Order regarding how holidays were treated in the past are totally irrelevant to the issue. I will provide this one note of caution though, your DH should understand that if BM gets upset about it, she may decide to make further flexible arrangements difficult, e.g., when your DH asks for additional time, she may say no out of spite. Hopefully she doesn't do that.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 6:21PM
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Unless we are able to come to an agreement outside of the parenting plan, I follow it to the letter. Even when it doesn't benefit me.

Sometimes having flexibility can lead to the expectation of that flexibility, which then leads to a feeling of entitlement to that flexibility. Then someone begins to feel taken advantage of and resentments start to show... That's when it starts to fall apart.

Going by the parenting plan keeps you from having to deal with any resentments or feeling of things being "unfair." It's there, in black and white, signed-off by both parties. You don't like it, get it changed in court. But don't try to re-write it every time it doesn't work out in your favor.

Here's something we live by: "Most of the time, the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do."

    Bookmark   June 11, 2009 at 3:35PM
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