What would Father's Day be without drama?!?

JensNatPatJune 19, 2011

DH's custody agreement states "EOW" ending 6pm on Sunday. For summer months and non school nights parties can agree on a later time. They have an email from 2 years ago agreening to 8pm for the non school nights. The 8pm has been a non issue (mostly) for the last 2 years. On non school night it was just assumed that 8pm would be the time.

So today DH gets a text from BM saying DD should be ready for pickup at 6pm. He texted back that no school tomorrow. It's 8pm. Long story short she blew up and said she had the court papers that say 6pm in her hand and she will call the police if we don't comply. Blah blah. We live across the street from our police station and are on a 1st name basis with them since they hold alot of community event days. We asked them and they said they couldn't get involved and she'd have to take him to court.

Surprise, surprise, this is what they told her LAST TIME she called them on us. She didn't get her way and didn't bother to take us to court either.

So.....he basically sent her an email saying it's 8pm and you're picking her up. Take me to court if you'd like but I'll just ask the judge to allow me Sunday overnights as well (which is what Father's automattically get in our county anyway) so we can avoid all this mess in the future.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

did she explain why she wanted 6PM? did they have a party, she was in the area or had some other reasons?

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 4:30PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hi Jens
If he has an email agreement, he doesn't need to worry about it.

I know this isn't how it is everywhere but where I live and pretty much the entire state non custodial has Thursday through Monday pick up and drop off at school, 1st 3rd and 5th weekends, during the school year. For summer it's the same weekends excluding Thursday and Sunday nights. But my dd's dad and I have agreed on different times and switched weekends as long as it's in writing (email).

Unless your order is old, which for a lot of people is the case, this arrangement wasn't implemented back then but sounds like your DH might have reason to modify the order.
This works best for us (although I struggled with it in the beginning) because I don't have to deal with pick up and drop offs. During the school year, they don't come to my house and I literally do not have to have any contact with them. They get her from school, they drop her off at school. It took me a while to 'trust' that she would make it to school on time or at all but after a while, I got used to it and nothing happened so I had no legitimate reason not to trust them. Sometimes I'll shoot the teacher a quick email asking if Dd made it to school but really I don't feel the need to do that anymore. I hope I didn't just jinx myself. Lol

Good luck!

Why does she want her home at 6 instead of 8?

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 4:40PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


DH did ask her if she wanted her earlier for any reason and she said no reason. She is claiming the "statute of limitations" has run out on the email she sent us agreeing to 8pm time on non school nights. She said it's not a legal document and we have to go by what's actually in the court order. In other words....she just wanted to make trouble on Father's Day.

So we got home at 7:30 and texted her that SD would be available for PU at 8. She texted back ok meet me 1/2 way.(It's a 6min drive) DH said no. Pick her up. (She's picked her up every other Sunday for the last 6 months. We used to drop off but stopped because we'd be waiting outside her house for 30 minutes because she's always late.)

So anyway she never picks her up. 8:45 rolls around and the police call us. She told them we agreed to meet her somewhere at 8. We told him she's a liar. She showed him the court order saying 6pm and he said he had an email showing 8pm non school nights. So he hangs up. Police call back, now they are saying they told her to just come pick her up but now she's changing her story to say she "doesn't feel safe coming to our house" and needs an escort. So she shows up here with a 2 car police escort. The whole time this is going on poor SD11 is sitting here bashing her Mom wondering what the *ell is wrong with her.

She leaves and the police stay to talk with us. I showed them the paperwork. They agreed she couldn't say why she felt unsafe coming here and admitted nothing had ever happened during a switch before.

I think we'll be going back to court for sure to include Sunday overnights in his custody. This isn't right and it's actually the 2nd time she has done it.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 9:55PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

OMG! You have a nutso for to deal with as well! That's crazy! That poor little girl. Maybe you should go for full custody.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 10:26PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well, isn't she the Ms Drama Queen.

What law in your state she is basing her statute of limitation on the written agreement?

If you live across the street from the police station why in the world would they 'buy' she needed a two car escort. That's plain wacky. If she can't put forth a reason for her 'fear', why would she think she'd be any 'safer' meeting Dad halfway in some place like a parking lot. It's across the street from the police station. If she continues to believe escort is needed for unknown safety reasons, why not just walk across the street with SD and meet BM at front desk...how much safer could the lady get?

Frankly that would be my solution if this were me. She's called the police, made an issue of concern for safety and I would agree to now deposit SD at police station. to be sure I had witnesses and there was no chance of the lady making up untrue accusations.

My guess, if lady were not drinking and/or on drugs this evening she deliberately planned on making an issue of the 6pm bit ith maliciously intent. She has an agenda and I would think this is 'step one' on the plan. Why else not act civil and just call/text Dad on drop off day and ask about wanting daughter back tonight at 6pm instead of the usual 8pm agreement? She admits she had no reason to want or need daughter home at 6 tonight and she admits to police she has no cause to fear coming to pick the child up. I'd be a bit afraid what 'step two' on her agenda might be.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 11:00PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I agree with JMT. Also food for thought.... If she originally agreed in an email to 6 pm and now states that won't work for her, how is that handled? I mean... Obviously either one of you can say, this doesn't work for me, I would like to go by the court order. I don't know... I'm just thinking here. We kind of had a situation like this a long time ago. BD could 'opt' to the expanded visitation but had to do it a the time the order was rendered. He didn't opt for it because she was little and he didn't think she should spend school nights with him since she was in kindergarten. All of a sudden one day, I get an email that states I'm opting for expanded visitation and will be picking dd up from school starting today on Thursday nights. I did go through the roof. We agreed it wasn't a good plan. The drive to her school in rush hour traffic on Friday mornings from his house would take almost an hour and a half. And what hurt me the most was that I didn't send her to school thinking she would be going home with him and not returning until Monday morning. We had never been apart for longer than 2 nights for the entire 6 years that she was alive. I went straight to the school picked her up and took her home. Called BD and left him a message saying I had her in my possession and that he could not opt to change his visitation so far in to it. It had to be done at the time of the order. He called the police. They came out. I showed them my papers, of course they said 'can't get involved' but they wanted to try to talk to him and get him to understand what the order says. Apparently SM was telling him it said one thing and he didn't even READ the order or understand it. Didn't even have it on him. That eventually was changed this year (4 years later) and he does have the expanded visitation but it had to be changed by the courts, not by him. He was slapped pretty hard on his little hand by the judge who apparently didn't appreciate a parent emailing and stating OH BY THE WAY... She told him, you agreed to this, now you want to change to this... Which is fine, but you do not have the power to change the order. You don't want me telling you when you will see your child, should not have gotten a divorce. (harsh but a true reality). As soon as we got divorced we had to accept that forever (until 18) that someone else would be deciding what is in the best interest of the child, since apparently getting divorced universally means, two parents who 'agreed' at one time can no longer agree on what they think is right or best. Isn't it funny how that happens.
I'm really thinking if she wants to go back on her agreement, she is going to have to take him to court to change it. But since she seems stubborn and you each have a different interpretation of what the order means or says, court might be best.
As far as the police, I learned from situations like this that calling the police is a huge no no to the courts. They can not do anything for you or her except protect you if you are in real danger. So don't do the same as her and call the cops. She refuses visitation or any of that, document it, gather enough info so you have enough to show she is no longer working with you but don't involve the police unless you are in real danger. One of the problems with involving the police to work out order disputes is that their involvement is not necessary and it is unnecessary stress on the child. I remember one time, they called the police and my daughter was hysterical. The police came in and asked what was going on. I was refusing to allow DD to go with then gf/now SM to take dd because it was not BDs weekend to have her. She 'stopped' by and thought she would surprise BD with a weekend with dd because he was missing her. Well I told her, it is not his weekend, I don't know you, I have not spoken to him, if he wants her he needs to call me. Not only that but the last time I had spoken to BD he told me they had broken up... I had not heard any different. It was just such a mess and SO embarrassing. There were three cop cars at my house and the neighbors were all outside. Omg what a mess... The only one that was truely effected was dd.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 1:16AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Mom of 3...we'd love to have her with us full time but we've been told it's not a crime to be a crappy mother. The kid has food, clothing and shelter. We'd have to prove her really unfit in order to win custody. Like she'd have to be a drug addict or keeping her from school or something.

Justmetoo....there are no laws on that. She frequently makes things up when they suit her. The police advised us that basically they know she's full of crap but if someone comes to them and asks for help and they deny it, and then something bad actually does happen, they can be held liable. So basically they were covering their you know what. But they said if she continues to call them they will make her show cause. She can't show or tell them any reason why she's afraid to come to our house. They also caught onto the fact that if she was willing to meet us half way on the side of the road and had no problem with it then she shouldn't be afraid to meet us at our house right across the road from the police station! Smile and wave officers :)

Myfam....the court order says 6pm and non school night time to be later agreed upon in writing. So they agreed in writing to 8pm. She can't just decide this doesnt work for her anymore. If she and him agree on a different time then ok. But if they can't agree they just have to use the current written agreement until one takes the other back to court. She seems to think that she can change the written order whenever it suits her. Like at 2pm on Father's Day. My SD11 was old enough that this only affected her humorously from what I could tell. She was kind of peeved at her Mom for making issue on Father's Day and knew there was no reason for the police. She walked out of our house and waved at them and said hello. After hugging and kissing her Dad and me goodbye. lol

I think we'll file a motion to have Sunday nights included in our visitation. That should clear all this up.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 8:06AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

this is nuts, she might have some plans in place, maybe planning on pushing for full custody so she collects facts like supposedly dad agreed to 6PM, then agreed to meet half way, then she is unsafe. then she will say it is all difficult for a child...

I would get all this 6 or 8 exchange on a paper. I think even if 2 year old email states somehting, things change and mom could ask for somehting different. It is just the way she goes about it is ridiculous.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 9:46AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The court order says that any changes have to be in writing. So even if she says they verbally agreed the change the 8pm it would never hold up in court because she doesn't have it in writing. The lawyers and the judge both told them both "if it's not in writing it didn't happen".

So we have the writing on our side and there's nothing she can do about it except lie to the police. We have a few text messages and emails from yesterday saved saying that he did not agree to meet her anywhere and he'd be keeping the 8pm time with her picking up. So we covered our butts too.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 10:11AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

sounds like she is either unstable crazy person AND/OR is plotting something...

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 10:32AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

She sounds like my SD's BM.....constantly changing things depending on what benefits her, not her child.

Oh yeah, and SD's BM is always "setting up" for something.

DH doesn't see it, but BM was setting up to move a couple years before it happened. She started separating DH from SD. By using her all-consuming extra-curricular event, as an excuse, such as "she has to stay here tonight because we have a fitting in the morning."

She also started having SD babysit her little sister so then she couldn't come over.

Even so, DH still saw SD every weekend and had her at least 1 night per weekend.

Then they started talking about moving to a town 4 hrs. away, and then one 45 minutes away. Then the bombshell....they were moving 10 hrs. away. Promises and promises and promises of SD coming back. Nope.

So, just be careful for the "set up." Especially with a pre-teen daughter. 11 was about the same age SD was when BM started to get really serious about separating her from DH, then they moved when SD was almost 13.

Actually, it got worse right around the time SD started her period, and BM told her that maybe DH didn't need to know about it.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 12:48PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Ashely: My SD (10 at the time) got her 1st period at our rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. BM said it was our fault and it was the stress of the wedding and not wanting her Dad to get married that caused it. Anyone can tell from the photos that she was thrilled that we got married. Anyway. LOL

So of course more drama follows today....

Back info: DH lost job on 5/27 and advised BM by email and phone he'd be losing his benefits and that she'd need to add DD to her health insurance. She agreed. She is supposed to cover it anyway under the court order but DH took it over when she lost her job. She is now employed full time by a company that offers health ins.

So BM calls DH today, like nothing ever happened last night, and says......can I have the information for DD health insurance. She has a tick bite and I want to take her to the Dr. (we told the kid last night to bring it to her Mom's attention b/c we don't have the health insurance)
So DH says I told you 25 days ago you'd have to cover her and you said ok. She says I thought you would get the Cobra. He said why would you think that? I flat out told you I wasn't getting it. So anyway, she said she didn't add DD to her health insurance b/c she is still receiving whatever free insurance she had while unemployed. (Going back to that lying for assitance thread maybe?) So she said it's his fault she doesn't have insurance. What planet does this woman live on?!? So he told her she wasn't unable to add DD, she was unwilling b/c she has access to insurance through her job. She's choosing not to use it.

I added SD to my health insurance and sent BM an email stating that she could either agree to pay my extra out of pocket expenses or agree to pay the Dr.'s out of pocket expenses. We'll see if I get a response. If not I guess we'll have to add that into the paperwork next time we go to court as well. Which is seeming like it's going to be soon.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 1:30PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My SD's BM took SD off health insurance policy and never told anyone, SD went to a doctor turns out she does not have insurance, and SO could not add her to his because open enrollment was over. They had agreement that BM keeps SD on her health insurance until she graduates college. At that point she just started!

When SD called her mom crying and SO emailed, BM had no valid reasons. She had insurance that had no premium, no deductible and covered everything. It costs BM nothing to keep SD on a policy plus it was an agreement, she didn't care.

For awhile she also had a standard reply to SO for everything "you have a cleaning lady, you can afford XYZ". LOL We don't have cleaning lady, we have someone coming over watering the lawn and feeding our cat WHEN we are out of town. And BM is wealthy, we are not.

Some people don't care how they hurt their children as long as they hurt their exes. "Let's not tell daddy about period and period is caused by dad's wedding", OMG how stupid.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 4:15PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
7 year old step son troubles please help
Hello everyone, I need some advise please. I have been...
Trying to figure out how to be a good adult stepdaughter...
My mother died eight years ago, and my dad remarried...
If I could tell mothers of adult stepchildren anything, Part 2
It seems my five-year-old topic has reached its limit...
Post Partum Depression Because of Step-Grandmother?
I have a 5 year old boy and a 4 month old girl. I was...
if I could tell stepmothers of adult children anything
My dad remarried last year, a year after my mother...
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™