Does this make me sound nutty?

lovehadleyJune 22, 2009

Because I feel nutty!

I swear---I let BM and her antics take up so much space in my mind, and then I get mad at myself for allowing her so much control over my thoughts!

She texted DH over the weekend about our pool pass for SS. DH ended up talking to her last night about pick-up today and she brought it up again. Bottom line, she wants to use the pool facilities in our municipality. We get annual family passes to our community pool; literally, it's about 3 blocks from our house and we are there on average 3x a week.

You cannot get in unless you are a resident of our community OR if you are a guest of a resident. Residents have to go get pool ID cards and then we always buy the whole package deal that allows us unlimited pool visits. (roughly $85/person, which winds up being a great deal b/c otherwise it is $8/visit.)

Anyway, BM asked DH if she could go as SS's guest, and if she could get his pool pass card.

DH told her no and BM said she was just going to call and see if she could pay for an extra card.


WE bought the pool pass for US and OUR FAMILY, not for BM to use with her son when he is with her. And secondly--and probably more importantly--I am not about to have to worry about running into BM at the darn pool! I take my DD there 2 or 3 times a week when SS is not with us, and I do NOT want to run into BM! I re-read my order of protection on her and it clearly states she is not allowed to be anywhere that I am, unless it is an extracurricular or school event for SS. I would assume this applies to a pool facility, particularly one where SHE is not a resident and I am.

I LIVE in this town, BM lives 25 miles away and could easily take SS to HER pool. In fact, there IS a pool in her community that she could totally use and DH pointed that out to her, but she said it's too expensive.

So now I am all worried about her showing up at our pool. I mean, technically, I really don't think she CAN. That pool pass does not belong to her, it is under OUR family's last name, and I have the actual physical card. I am tempted to call the management office and have them note the account that no copies of the card are to be issued, and especially that SS's card is not to be used unless he's with us.

Thoughts? DH thinks she is just all talk and that she wouldn't try to do this, but knowing her---I am not so sure! And really---if she did do it, and I was with my DD and did run into BM w/SS at the pool, I would want to call the police and enforce my order---but that would be terrible to do w/SS because it means he would have to leave, as well. :(

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No your not a nut! She's a nut for aksing for it and she also damn cheapskate and that is why she asked!! I too have family passes i spend and i would be damned if i gave them to skids so mommy dear can use them too.
Sorry, i would call the admin and tell them no copies of the card are to be issued and SS's card is not to be used unless he's with you. Its a legal matter Love, she cannot be near you!
She has her own pool community, she's to use it on her time in her space when with her son. I honestly think she is asking because she wants to save....well she can save by getting a family pass at her community and not mooch off of your family passes.
I intend to get family passes next year for an amusement park and i know my sk will want to take it home...i will make sure its one card only with our names on it...not 4 cards.

    Bookmark   June 22, 2009 at 3:49PM
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You're not nuts!

And to end the drama, you're right that the simplest solution would be to simply call the management office and have your account notated, just as you describe. Since you have the order of protection (and a good reason for it), your point about having to potentially call the police to enforce it (with SS as a witness) is a very valid one -- and one that's not petty in the least.

Just make the call and boot her out of your head!
Tell Hubby it's to prevent a police scene and don't even go into all of the other stuff wit him. (You know how some men don't know when to shut up? He might give BM more reasons than the simple Order of Protction, which could cause more drama.)

    Bookmark   June 22, 2009 at 4:27PM
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call your management and tell them about the issue. she is not to use your pool. If you do see her there, call the police, they would wonder why she attends pool that is 25 miles away from her house (to violate order of protection? to spy?). Judge would wonder about it too.

    Bookmark   June 22, 2009 at 4:37PM
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Even if she is all talk, she is still getting the results she wants... to rattle you. She doesn't have to show up at the pool, she already has you on edge so her work is done. It SUCKS!

We've had the discussion... after DH told me he doesn't understand why I let it bother me so much. I told him that if my DD (who is 19 now) were 9... and her dad called CPS saying he did something to her and HE had to defend himself.. how would he like that? He didn't know what to say. When BM called CPS, DH called me and I had to drop what I was doing, take SD to the doctor to prove her arm was not injured when it was.. well, at first it was implied that I did something but then, when it was shown there was no injury she said that she saw my daughter grab SD by the arm. Honestly, DH should have left work, called the doctor, picked up SD himself & taken her to be examined and left me the heck out of BM's crazy accusations that were obviously not true. The truth is that your DH should not have told you about the request for your pool pass.. he should have told her NO WAY and then he should have gone down to the community pool office with a copy of your protective order and made it clear that BM has NO business at their pool and he should leave you completely out of it.

I don't think she cares at all about saving money, taking SS to the pool, or driving all the way across town to use the pool you use. She just wants to yank your chain and your DH needs to put a stop to it somehow. My guess is that these DH's of ours just don't want to deal with the crazy nuts they brought into our lives and they need to.

My kids are not perfect, but I'll be damned if she is going to accuse my DD of dislocating SD's arm or accuse my DS of using a knife to threaten to kill SD. She can accuse me of feeding SD oatmeal and peanut butter all day long, but those are pretty serious accusations to make against my kids and it's got to be on DH to put a stop to it. He should never have let it go this far and if his ex is anything like my DH's ex... and I think we both know they are clones... it won't be long before she is involving your DD in her crazy accusations or antics. When she can't get a rise out of you anymore, she may just one up the ante and start saying things about your DD because it brings out the tiger in any mother to have her child attacked. Your DH needs to see how serious this is.. and how bad it can get.

    Bookmark   June 22, 2009 at 5:50PM
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Nope. not nutty. That woman is the nut. hello??? Her pool is too expensive but she can drive 25 miles and use your community pool?? Oh yeah, that totally makes sense!

    Bookmark   June 23, 2009 at 2:05AM
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I don't have any problems with DH telling about the request as long as he said NO.

Of course it is ludicrous that she would drive 35 miles for this. I assume your pool checks for cards, and if she doesnt have one she wont be admitted.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2009 at 6:56AM
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You all are missing something not only is she trying to keep you rattled and disrupt your life she is probably setting it up so she can tell your SS that She would love to take him swimming but she cant afford it and YOU wonÂt let him use HIS card. Again you will be the bad guy because all she is doing is trying to take him swimming.

I just lurk here but long ago I lived what you are going through and all I can tell you is either learn to live like this because she will never change or take your DD and leave. She will do anything and everything to keep your life turned upside down but the worst part is she will keep at your SS until he believes you are the problem. I hope the courts are better now but you have to decide if you want to live with her in your head for the next 10, 12 years and realize all the damage she will cause your marriage and your DD or not. It will not get better as he gets older it will only get worse.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2009 at 11:10AM
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kkny, the problem with DH telling her about the request is that it keeps BM, and her stupid request... even if he said no, in LH's head. But, partst is right... she will live in LH's head anyway.. well, I disagree with 10-12 years, and would say for the remainder of the marriage... even after SS is grown. I listen to the problems others are having with adult children in their 30's and it really is never ending.

I am an optimist and while it feels like I'm beating my head against a brick wall most of the time... I am stubborn & not ready to give up. I believe there has to be a way for a stepmom that has a BM like this in her life, to disengage from the BM and build a relationship with the child... in spite of the BM trying to poison the child against her. I am dealing with this right now with my SD's mom and she is eerily similar to LH's SS's BM. At this point, I am removing myself from anything to do with her. My DH is transporting SD when he gets off work. He is with SD the entire time she is here, I am not alone with her at all. In fact, I go to work or find something else to do & do not give her any reaction to what she does... and she TRIES to get me to react even more. I hold out hope that this is temporary because I could not live like this another 8-10 years and SD is 10. I want a good relationship with her and it's my hope that when she gets no reaction from playing this game her mom has set up, she will realize that she is the one losing out. There are a lot of things I do for her that neither of her parents or anyone else can or will do for her. At this point, I am backing off because they are in a bitter custody court battle and SD is stuck in the middle of trying to please everyone. When the custody issue is decided, either way it goes, SD won't be under the pressure she has now and hopefully her and I can mend our relationship and be closer. Her mom will always fight it.. I know, but I have to ignore what her mom says/does and focus on my relationship with SD. Trying to do that now, with a court hearing pending, SD is torn and having a hard time with it so it's best to back off.

I have also thought of leaving because it does damage the marriage. But, like I said.. I am stubborn and that is her goal from the beginning... to see DH as unhappy as she is in life and we are truly happy together. I disagree that anyone needs to learn to live like this... the men that had a relationship with these women, needs to step up and take a stand... for themselves as much as for us. If I leave, she will do it with the next woman he's with. She doesn't want him, she just doesn't want him to be happy with anyone else. He sees it too and knows it's true. It's just easier for him to bury his head in the sand because now that he is finally standing up for himself, he is taking on her full wrath and she is an angry, bitter, selfish, pathological liar. Her first husband has paid her $1200 a month in support for 11 years and only sees their daughter a couple of times a year and I can see why he keeps his distance... we don't like dealing with either. Maybe she hopes for the same result with DH... but that won't happen.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2009 at 12:00PM
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This woman is so irritating Love. It's not you, it's her. I am so sorry you have to deal with her. It reminds me so much of the drama BM use to try and keep stirred up.

The difference is we just told her NO. No. No. No. She pulled the same crap wanting to use our pool at the apartment to go swimming with the girls. There was no way in the devils hot hell we were going to be starring at her pug lounging by our apartments pool even once a month!

J told her No. When she kept on he again said No. A week later when she brought it up again he said No. When she put the girls up to asking he said No. The girls got over it. They swam with us all summer and never lost any sleep that BM couldn't take them. As long as THEY got to swim they didn't care who brought them.

BM scared all the other people living in the apartment building anyway. Our elderly neighbor called security on her once because she was walking around looking in all of our windows while were gone one day. She thought we were home and just ignoring her so she kept banging on all the windows and both doors.

The neighbor lady said she "looked like she was on something". She no doubt was. No one wanted her hanging around the apartments because she creeped everyone out.

Anyhow, BM realized that we were no longer going to be guilted into uncomfortable situations and she stopped even trying. Same thing with the Holidays and the Birthdays. After being guilted into doing a few trully horrible joint shin digs we finally started saying No.

My point is do not be sneaky about this. If you are uncomfortable and hubby is uncomfortable...TELL HER SO. TELL THE HEFFER NO! Then go to management and make a note on your account. This will send the message that she isn't going to control you guys and you will not be guilted into being made uncomfortable on your turf.

She will give up trying to be disruptive if you start heading her off at the pass and make it VERY CLEAR that using the child as a weapon of mass guilt destruction will not work.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2009 at 12:15PM
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What you said about the rest of your life is true. I mint the 10, 12 years until the SC is of age and you can finally stop dealing with the ex about anything. But then you have to deal with all the damage inflicted on the child by the ex. My DH gave up after his son told him he FORGAVE him for all the abuse he caused in his childhood, the non support, everything he did to his mother. He didnt want to hear the truth said it couldnt be true. I guess I understand his thinking a little. For him to believe his dad he has to through his mother under the bus so to speak and even at almost 40 he just cant do it. I wish him well I just want him to stop hurting DH so if he stays away its fine with me. He knows deep down what the truth is in fact one of the nicest things he ever said to me was he hoped he could find a wife just like me. Go figure!

    Bookmark   June 23, 2009 at 12:37PM
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"the men that had a relationship with these women, needs to step up and take a stand... for themselves as much as for us."

DH needs to tell her No Love. Like IMA said he has got to what J did and take a stand by not being afraid to tell her No. SO many husbands act afraid to tell the EX to buzz off and it's actually really easy. If it isn't court mandated you don't have to oblidge her at all.

The trick is not being nasty bt keeping your twoseperate family lives aside from the step child totally seperate. Keep the hanging out and chit chat to a minimum and keep it about the kid. When she starts getting off topic, cut her off and say you gotta go.

J started keep BM and ten arms lengths and once she realized she had lost control alot of the stupid little squabbles and jabs stopped. She is so far removed form our lives as a couple and as a family that she can't interfere anymore. We built a wall that she can't penetrate. There is no way for her to get in and stir up problems in our personal lives because we are so impersonal towards her.

If she starts calling the phone saying nasty things and harrassing us we change the number. When she started barging into the apartment behind the girls causing scenes we stopped letting her inside. When she started showing her butt at the door of the apartment we made it so she had to drop off and pick up the girls at the Police Station. When she ruined Holidays by being a spaz we stopped doing them together and started doing our own.

It is a real clear cut cause and affect thing. If she did A we did B. The equal and opposite reaction would with out fail always happen. She eventually got bored because she couldn't manipulate us anymore and took off with a boyfriend.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2009 at 12:40PM
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Of course you aren't nutty! We had the some situation with season passes to the local amusement park. BM makes twice what we make together......she can buy her own passes. Plus, she wouldn't let us use the pass when we asked. It's a stupid little petty game they play to assert themselves and project that they have control.

Yes...your DH needs to stand up for you. But I've said this so many times.

And, yes, she will start bringing your DD into it. BM has brought DS into arguements just in the past couple of years. It really ticks me off because really, DS has been the only innocent victim in all of our drama. But BM will stop at nothing to cause jealousy or discontent. And yours won't, either.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2009 at 1:59PM
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"I meant the 10, 12 years until the SC is of age and you can finally stop dealing with the ex about anything."

Oh I don't know about that...I don't think with some people it ever stops. My SO's DDs are grown, but his Ex still stirs trouble. DD27 is getting married so X screams and yells about everything related to the wedding, she yells and screams about anything related to DD's 20 college or plans aftre college, pretty soon she will be yelling about grandkids etc. It never ends.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2009 at 5:53PM
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I'm 40 and my dad still deals with my mom. They divorced when I was 12 or 13. 27 years ago. They have 14 grandchildren and now 3 great grandchildren. My niece is getting married in September. There will be other weddings & births, deaths, family crisis (my sister going through a divorce, maybe developing a drinking problem)... it really IS never ending. They don't have to 'consult' each other but they do have to deal with one another.. and he still has to put up with her crap from time to time. It's a blessing that he puts her in her place when needed but he can't control her starting a scene at a family event or saying nasty things behind his back. He does place boundaries by telling her she won't be included (at his house where most gatherings take place) if she can't behave herself. But on her turf, she does what she wants and we all don't know what to expect.

Unfortunately, my mom is very much like my SD's BM... and that makes it worse for me, since I obviously have issues with how my mom does things.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2009 at 6:09PM
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