Quick Question

silverswordJune 10, 2009

No controversy, just hoping I can get a few answers. Here's the issue. We get my SD for one week. I will be gone for the first few days she is here. Then she and DH will be going to visit family around the state. DH invited me and wants me to go, but I think they should spend the time just the two of them. But, I have to realize that she's not me, and he's not my dad, and disassociate my feelings I had as a skid not wanting to share my dad with his girlfriends or wife.

What do you think?

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mariealways

One week is such a short time, so I would agree that you should let them spend the time just the two of them.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:02PM
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ashley1979

Well....in the very recent past, I would've said that you shouldn't go and just let them have their time together.

But I experienced something both wonderful and frightening this weekend. We thought we were getting 4 tickets to a game. So SO told his DD (she was in town for all of 48 hours) she could invite a friend (DS was with his dad). Then we found out we only had 3 tickets. She actually wanted me to go with them! Can you believe it? She actually told her dad that she'd rather have me go than invite a friend, even after I backed out and said I wouldn't go.

So my point is that maybe SHE wants you to go with them. Would you want to miss out on that opportunity? Plus, they'll have the first part of the week to spend time alone together.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:18PM
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shannon2356

You know what, if DH wants you to go, and they will already be spending the first part of the week together, then why not go?! Plus it would be nice for DH for you to get to see his family...!! Plus like Ashley's SD, your SD might want you to go...:)

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:31PM
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silversword

That's what I'm worried about Ashley. I don't want to ask her, or have DH ask her, because I don't want her to be on the spot. I fly in two nights after she gets in. Then I'll be back to work the next day-early. Sooo... two days without me, two days with me and DH, then a couple with family and one or two with the both of us before she goes back...

I just don't know what the best solution is. DH wants me to go, but I don't want it to turn into adult conversation or an "us and her" situation on the driving part (she's not old enough to sit up front). I just really want her and her dad to get some good time in together. I don't want to intrude, but I do want to "be a family" with her too. I don't know if she sees me as a SM or as dad's wife.

Maybe I'm overthinking? Should I just pack in case, and then see if she says "aren't you coming" and check to see if her face is hopeful that I'm staying or expecting me to go? grrr... my DH doesn't see what the issue is but he's never been a skid or had a swife before. (swife, does that sound right? Step-wife? Whatever. You know what I mean!)

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:31PM
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silversword

Hi Shannon,
I've met his family tons of times. We've spent the night etc. They all know my dd. We communicate by email and are very close. I would love to see his sister, but I don't want to take attention from his dd. And that is what happens when you add another woman to the mix.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 3:40PM
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finedreams

if he asked, you should go, you are married and are a family. maybe both dad and SD sincerely want you there. just go.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 4:50PM
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pjb999

I think you should go, they WILL have some alone time, and if you don't, you never know, sd might think you don't want to be there.

If hubby wants you to (may want moral support, family visits can be wearing) you should go.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 5:00PM
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sweeby

I'm for asking SD with a tone like "It sounds like fun, but I also thought you might want some alone time with your Dad and I've got a lot of stuff to do here. What do you think?" I'd be surprised to get a clear, direct answer, but you could probably get a sense of which way she's leaning.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 5:07PM
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lonepiper

Silver, have you ever shared your experience as a stepchild with your stepdaughter? You are in an awesome position in that you could really relate to her.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 8:27PM
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stargazzer

If it is your husband's family/your family I would go.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 9:42PM
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liesbeth

I think you should go, when FDH and I got together I took a backseat and didn't join in all activities, giving the skids and FDH the space I thought they needed. I still had my own apartment so I wasn't there all the time. We would do something together and then I'd go to my home again.

Then SD8 came up to me one day and asked why I kept going home after we had a fun afternoon together? Didn't I want to spend more time with them? That's the moment we knew it was ok for me to stay.

Maybe you will also get a sign when SD comes over. And DH and SD already have some time together before you get back, so DH can test the water.

I think lonepiper makes a really good point too.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 9:47PM
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silversword

Lonepiper, I have not. Maybe someday I'll tell her, but I don't think it's really appropriate unless she asks. She's never met my parents, and I'd hate for her to get a tainted view of my SM (her S-G'ma now) before she's even met her.

My DH's family is GREAT. We get along with them like peas and carrots, and when we go to visit them it's so comfortable. We just went to see them last month and had a super super time. There is absolutely no stress.

Sweeby, I think that's a good suggestion. That's probably what I'll do. I do want to go, but it will also be in the middle of the week right after I get back from vacation, so taking time off would be tricky :)

I just don't want to do the wrong thing.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2009 at 11:44AM
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ashley1979

Silver - simply by being concerned and sensitive to her needs, you are leaps and bounds better than a lot of SMs (or even BMs) out there who just impose themselves on children.

But don't look a gift-horse in the mouth. If you've got an opening, run through it. It may be a great roadtrip.

My SO's DD always feels weird around her family on SO's side becaus they live several states away. So when we've gone in the past, she's always kind of clinged to me since she knows me better than them. It always made me feel special, even though it was more like a lesser-of-two-evils situation. I wasn't about to waste the small break I was being given.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 11:21AM
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ashley1979

Please insert the word "doing" before the word "better" in the first sentence of my last post......oops. I didn't mean to imply that anyone is any "better" than anyone. My intent was to say that she is doing better at being considerate.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 1:52PM
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