Petty? Or do you 'get' this?

cephJune 9, 2009

So, A__'s BM just had her second baby. You may or may not remember me posting about this last summer/fall when she got pregnant... Anyhow, she's still with the BF who she accidentally got pregnant with, and A__ seems happy to have a sister. So that's all well and good.

A__ asked DH to come in and see the baby. So he briefly did. He asked if I wanted to see the baby when we picked A__ up. I said no. He asked why. Then he proceeded to tell me that my answer was petty.

Here's my reply (with ellipses indicating replies or questions from DH):

"No. Well, if A__ really wants me to, I will, to not hurt his feelings, but I don't feel the need... ... I don't really like BM, and she's generally rude to me, I've never met her BF, plus who the h3ll am I to her to go see their baby... ... Remember when we renovated and she invited herself in to see it all, and spent the whole time telling me everything she didn't like? Well, that was only our house, and it p1ssed me off. So, what about when we have a baby, and I have set the status quo of going over, uninvited to see her baby. I don't want her to invite herself over to criticize everything, like she did with our renos. Her baby has nothing to do with me, and ours will have nothing to do with her, so unless A__ really really wants me to, I'd rather not set a precedent... ... No, I wouldn't make you tell her "no" if we had a baby and she asked, but I think she's less likely to if we keep our distance now."

So? Am I the only person on the planet who feels this way? Does someone here understand? Or am I being totally stupid and petty?

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No, you're being wise & forward-thinking.

What a person does today sets precedent for the future.

sounds like hubs just wants to take the path of least resistance, which would come back to cause problems in the future.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 2:51PM
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What I think is missing here, BM didn't invite you so, did anyone ask BM if she would mind you coming to visit? It might have upset her if you just show up. Did your DH consider that? I'm sure A_ didn't because he's a kid & probably doesn't understand why you wouldn't want to go, etc.

DH and I were planning a trip a couple of years ago... we were going to take our trailer & quads to a riding park and camp there a few days. SD asked "can my mom go too?" and DH didn't know what to say. This was well before we got married and way before the custody battles. So, DH didn't want to disappoint his daughter and said "I guess so" and when SD went and told BM that dad says she can go, she said "Hell no, I am not going camping with them!" and when SD told us what her mom had said, she admitted she had asked for her mom to go before telling her mom she wanted her to go too... so BM didn't know SD was trying to cook it up.

So, no you are not being petty. You have no obligation to see her baby, although I think when you have yours, it will be an issue again... if A_ wants her to meet his new brother or sister. The shoe may be on the other foot and she may not want to go either. For her, your baby is going to be the baby of her ex... and that may be different for her than how you view her baby.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 2:55PM
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I get it. You aren't being petty, you are being respectful. If you weren't invited there shouldn't even be a discussion about it. How uncomfortable would that be!!!???

I agree with Ima too, unfortunatly, I think she is right.
"You have no obligation to see her baby, although I think when you have yours, it will be an issue again... if A_ wants her to meet his new brother or sister. The shoe may be on the other foot and she may not want to go either. For her, your baby is going to be the baby of her ex... and that may be different for her than how you view her baby."

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 3:21PM
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I 100% understand your thoughts and feelings.

I am already worried about DH and I having a baby together in the future and how BM would play in regarding that baby being SS's half brother or sister.


When BM had her baby girl 18 months ago, we were all on friendlier terms. She invited DH and I to come up to her hospital room with SS (and my DD was with us, as well) to see her and the new baby.

It was beyond awkward, even with the friendlier (albeit, somewhat fake IMO) tone. DH looked like he wanted to crawl out of his skin and that's about how I felt!

Honestly---if BM had not pushed the issue soooo much, DH probably would have let SS go on up to the room w/his grandma or something. But this was back in the days where BM was sad and lonely and desperately wanted us to be her friends. We both felt bad for her, and not being sure how to react, we obliged.

I worry now that she will want to come up to our hospital room and see the baby and that is just NOT something I am comfortable with.

My last circumstances having a baby were less than ideal, and since a future child DH and I have will most likely be our last, I really want it to be the BEST experience for DH and I to have together.

I do not want BM anywhere around any of it!

As far as I'm concerned---she will NOT be connected to a baby DH & I have AT ALL. SS will be connected, but NOT BM.


    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 3:31PM
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Exactly! I don't know how BM would feel about me waltzing in to see her baby. I know that I wouldn't be keen on her waltzing in to see mine when we have one!!
So why would I assume I'm even welcome? That seems pretty presumptuous, and not the precedent I'd like to set.

Thanks all. I feel less like a meaniepants now.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 5:27PM
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I can certainly understand how you would not want to go "Ooh and Aah" over the baby your husband's Ex just had with someone else. Uh - why?...

But now 16 years down the road -- I just had the very strange experience of having a graduation lunch for older DS with my Ex and his wife and my husband and younger son. So one big happy 'faux family'. And it seemed very strange to me that my Ex had never even met my younger son, who is now 13. Very strange...

Guess what I'm saying is that while I wouldn't make a point of going to visit, I also wouldn't make a point of avoiding it.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 5:39PM
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Good point Sweeby.
I assume that at some point I will have to go to her door again (as I have in the past) and I will meet the baby.
But I'd prefer to wait awhile, until it happens organically.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 11:07PM
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I would meet the baby whe you have to. Sweeby is right. At some point you will have to have an encounter with BM and then you will get to meet the baby and give your congrats.

I would feel very out of place going to BM's for the soul purpose of seeing her new baby though. I imagine she would feel equally if not MORE strange if the tables were turned. Layla makes the girls BM obviously uncomfortable.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 10:05AM
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I agree, it will happen at some point, but it should be a natural time, not forced. At some point in the (probably) near future, you will go to pick A up and BM will come outside w/the baby, or you will all be at a school fuction, etc.

Let it happen when it happens.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 10:30AM
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I do think it's kind of petty but I understand some of your reasons, however, we have to remember who the grownups are, and what the children think - your child doesn't know/buy into all the drama going on with the adults, he just wants you to see his sibling.

As for ex meeting your baby, you are, like it or not, a blended family. Perhaps 2 new babies with new partners might allow things to move on a bit - and it costs you nothing to be polite.

I guess this is an opportunity to take the high road.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 5:39PM
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No I don't think it's petty, why should you be involved in his ex wife's life. Even when the step child is a problem you shouldn't be involved, his dad should take care of the problem.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 9:41PM
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No, not petty. Given the history with BM's attitude I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to go. I suppose it would've been different if SS asked, then you could've replied "I would like to meet your little sister but it has to be o.k with your Mom." But for DH to ask? Seems quite awkward.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2009 at 11:29AM
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ceph-- does DH understand that you don't mean you are planning to go out of your way to avoid EVER having to be around THAT BABY for any reason? That it just would be weird and awkward (and pretty rude, imo) to invite yourself into BMs home to ogle her infant? That that's a sort of intimate kind of thing family and very close friends do, which you aren't? Because the kinds of questions I'm imagining in your (...) seem more like he's thinking you are boycotting the baby vs just not going out of your way to see her. Which would be a little petty. (and **I** understand that not what you're saying)

    Bookmark   June 11, 2009 at 1:19PM
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Quirk, that's a good point.
I think he realized after our conversation that I'm not boycotting, but just don't want to make a point of it.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2009 at 1:27PM
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I trully wanted to see X's children because those are my DD's brothers so it is understandable that your DH wants to go look at a baby since it is his son's sister.

But you have no need to go look at her baby. if she didn't invite, it would be rude to go but even if she would invite I don't think there is a need for you to go.

Yes it would be very different if BM will come to see your baby. It is going to be her son's sibling, it would be understandable for her wanting to see it. it is different.

You really have nothing to do wiht her baby, why would your DH even ask? Even if BM would be supper nice.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2009 at 11:03PM
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I don't think you're being petty at all. I did the same thing with SO's XW. I didn't care at all to see the baby. SO had his DD so he took her up there to visit and felt totally weird about the whole thing. It creeped him out to be there with his XW, her new hubby, his DD and the new baby that bonded all of them together. Ick!

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 11:05AM
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Nope not petty at all. In fact i know my hubby exwife HATES my son. i remember a while back in the summer my ss asked if his mom to come see _____ in the car, she snapped at her own son and said in a digusted voice mind you, 'i've already seen HIM'...
That was the moment i knew this woman was 'eeeeeeevil' to hate a baby??? I never wanted to set eyes on her again. I'm glad to know my skids love their brother and from waht i see it seaths her that they do because for the last few years she has tried her damndest to put a wedge between my son and her kids....its works for brief moments and then dissipates.
You are not petty. I wouldn't hate a baby if it was my exhubby wife but i wouldn't go open arms about it either considering her past behaviour.
I'ld wish her well and that was it.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2009 at 10:31AM
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