CPS visit/update

lovehadleyJune 12, 2009

Well, the woman showed up 30 mins early! I imagine that is typical, as maybe they want to *catch* you off guard.

Things were fine. DH had just gotten back from the bakery w/a dozen donuts, and the kids were happy as could be.

CPS worker was SUPER nice. She was up front and said she needed to speak with each of the kids alone, individually. DD wanted to go first, and was totally happy about it, so that was good. (I admit, I went in the bathroom and shed a few tears for a minute over the audacity of the situation. My daughter, whom I love more than life itself, and take precious care of is talking to CPS??? UNREAL.) I composed myself, though.

Anyway, then SS went. HEach child probably talked for about 10 mins.

Then the caseworker came down and DH and I said we wanted to speak with her privately, out of the kids' earshot. We went out on the front porch and talked for about 30 mins.

We gave her the background about the custody case, alcohol involvement, etc. She could (obviously) not confirm or deny that BM made the allegation, but DUH--we are not stupid. We do KNOW BM called the police, and at first we thought the police notified CPS, but we now think BM called CPS, as well.

The official report from her to CPS was that SS had a bruise on his wrist last Friday that looked like a thumbprint. BM told CPS I was "dragging him around the house by his wrist."

AUUUGHHHH. Just hearing the *official allegation* made me want to vomit.

The good news is---SS vehemently denies any of this. He did tell the worker he had a bruise on his wrist last week, but doesn't know what it was from. He TOLD HER that his MOM told him it was my thumbprint! This is actually really good b/c the caseworker said he said it TWICE---that his MOM told him it was from me. The caseowrker asked him if I've ever hurt him and he said NO. She asked about DH hurting him and he said NO.

She checked him over and there are no bruises anywhere.

She said she finds it odd that this *supposed* bruise was from last Friday, but wasn't reported for almost week.

She said she asked the kids what happens if they get in trouble and they both said they get grounded or sent to time out. She asked what grounded means, and they said it means no tv and computer.

She asked about spankings and DD said it almost never happens, and SS said dad spanks sometimes but almost never. :)

She said they are both happy, and healthy, and everything is fine. Her conclusion is the house is safe. Nothing further required.

Unfortunately, this will stay in the CPS system indefinitely. She said this is actually good in terms of documenting harrassment, though.

She did stress for our safety that we need to document ANY injury. If it is anything remotely bad enough, she told DH to take SS to the doctor for a letter of explantion---ie, SS falls down the stairs, bumps his head or something.

It is really sucky that we are even in this position in the first place.

She said she is closing the case out today and we can expect a letter in the mail in the next week saying so.

"Kids bruise easily. I'd imagine that if you did bruise him it was accidental"

Wanted to comment on this: There is NO WAY in high hell I gave him whatever bruise was supposedly on his wrist. I cannot REMEMBER the last time I held his hand, or took him anywhere. I haven't been alone w/the kids in quite awhile b/c DH has really taken the initiatve w/working flex hours and being more available to his son. Really, I can't remember the last time I even held SS's hand or anything?

I don't think the "bruise" was anything to write home about. If it HAD been that bad, BM would have taken pics, taken him to the police, etc. I think she is just OFF HER ROCKER and saw a small bruise that could have been from ANYTHING and ran like the wind with it.

DH said that yesterday as he left BM's house, BM told SS" that was ____'s thumbprint on your wrist" and SS himself got really angry at her and said "no, it's not mom, stop fighting about nothing!" DH said he was really angry at her. The worst part is, then BM got mad at SS and told him "whatever' and stormed inside the house. THAT is what scares me. She withdraws her affection from him if he doesn't say what she wants. In DH's presence, SS might be strong enough to stand up to her, but when SS is alone with BM, who knows what he will say or agree to.


I am really shaken---relieved today is over---but just questioning everything about my life here.

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I'm glad the visit went well. I'm sure these people can recognise a vexatious claim when they see one, I do understand they have to err on the side of caution but I wish there were better provisions for penalties for such false claims.

I would consider recording any calls that go on with the BM, check on the legality but at least in some places, provided one party is aware it's being recorded it's legal, even if it's not admissible in court it may be useful. I'd also keep a detailed diary of any of these contacts with time and date of calls etc, that can be corroborated with phone records. Document, document, document.

Not only is this horrible for you, it must be having an awful effect on the kids. I can't say I agree with people telling you to leave, but I can understand how you might be feeling that way at the moment.

I can't say my ex pulled any stunts like that - and she did have the opportunity to lie and 'drop me in it' and I suppose I have to give her 'credit' for not stooping to it, but she did pull a lot of similar nonsense that left kids right in the middle, having to take part in the lie or choose sides when no kid should ever have to.

It is an odd phenomenon but not uncommon when the child will appear to side with/defend the nutjob parent. Most frustrating. Sounds like your ss is perhaps moving on from that though, so on the positive side he may be starting to understand how things really are. Perhaps some counselling for the kids would be helpful at the moment.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 2:12PM
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I'm glad it went well. I hope it stops there and goes no further.

But still keep your guard up. Ima can attest to that. So can JNM. And so can I. Just when I think X and I are working together for DS, he pulls some stupid crap.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 2:32PM
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Love, in your state, all that is required for recording a phone call is one party consent, so as long as you and DH know that the conversation is being recorded, it's perfectly legal for you to record it.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 2:34PM
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I'm glad things went well with CPS --
but so sorry you were dragged through that.

And recording phone calls (after double-checking on the legality) and keeping a detailed log sounds like a good thing to do for a few months.

And BUY THAT BOOK! Seriously - Divorce Poison is a must-read for someone in your position.
BM has upped the stakes and is now not just fighting dirty, but fighting dirty with the strategic advice of a sleazy lawyer.
You need better 'tools in your toolbag' than simple common sense and decency.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 2:47PM
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Phew! At least the CPS worker has a brain in her head.
This is such a bunch of bullsh17.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 2:59PM
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continue documenting everything what is going on with BM. glad it went well, but what a shame you and kids have to put up with it.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 3:05PM
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I knew the home visit would be fine and the worker would see through bm's false accusations!

So sad that you all have to go through this. Have you spoken to your lawyer about today yet? Will this bs that bm is putting you through at least make her look worse in court?

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 4:29PM
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Glad it went well, it's great news that CPS saw through it all. However I am worried about what will be next. I'd like to think that BM has run out of ideas, but you never know. Stick with the advice of not being alone with SS for now, that's for sure. And what is DH thinking about all this, does he have any plans?

I'm worried for SS's mental health, he's a little boy and he can't stand up to his mum, as much as he wants to. So when he is alone with BM he has to side with her, it's a survival skill. And when he's back with you guys he has to snap out fo that again, which is extremely hard to do I imagine. For example when SS was complaining to BM about the circus it had NOTHING to do with his actual experience, and EVERYTHING with what BM needed to hear. The boy has been programmed to behave this way.

But for SS to express anger at BM in the presence of DH is a very brave move, he will pay for that and he'd know it. It really shows strength of character. It also shows that SS is not sucked in by BM's bashing. As much as he might seem to take her side or repeat her cr*p as if he believes it himself, at the end of the day he is not really sucked in. Good for him. I think all he's trying to do is look after everybody else's needs, and putting his own needs aside in the process. He is going out of his way to please his mom, his dad, and you as well. From what you write about him and how he expresses himself I think I can tell that he really has bonded with you and really likes you, but his mom is making it impossible for him to show this consistently. He'll try and show you or tell you when he thinks he can, and then he has to 'deny' it when his mom demands it, how awful.

Keep in mind that in a weird way it's like a compliment that SS can give you mixed messages because he feels safe and secure enough with you to do so. I don't know how to explain it any better. If he didn't feel happy being around you than he would have shut down on you and gone with mom's version of reality. Please hang in there for SS because this boy is realy reaching out to you in the best way he can, my heart really breaks for him.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 9:23PM
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Thanks liesbeth. :) I hope you are right.

SS has been extra nice to me since yesterday, and also he's been displaying some funny (kind of strange but sweet) behavior: he repeats and agrees with everything I say. At dinner, DH and I started chuckling because literally everything I said, SS repeated.


Me: The garden torches need to be be lit.

SS: Yeah, the garden torches need to be lit.

Me: These chips are spicy!

SS: Yeah, the chips are spicy!

Me: I'm excited about the movie we're seeing tomorrow.

SS: I'm excited about the movie tomorrow.

And so on and so on...

He must have repeated or agreed with everything I said!

It is sweet, but also kind of sad because I think he is just really, really worried I am angry with him or angry with his mom. DH said yesterday when they were driving home SS was crying and saying that I was going to hate him, and DD was going to hate him, and he was so afraid I was angry with him because his mom called the police. :(

It IS sad.

DH's plan for the moment is to cut off contact w/BM. He is answering the phone and handing it to SS once a day, around bedtime. I know at some point he and BM will have to talk, but he maintains it will all be via text or email now. I hope and pray he can stick with it...the problem is, my DH will be all gung-ho in a crisis (ie, when BM came to our home drunk) but then he "forgets" about it and goes back to "normal."

Really, if he does that this time, I am going to leave. I need him to set some HARD and FIRM boundaries with BM and the rest of her psycho family--her mom is a WACKADOODLE. I have pretty much told him this is my final warning---I will not and cannot take anything else.

So he is planning to cut contact between the two of them and he is going to stick to the parenting plan 100% in regards to drop offs/pickups, times, etc. He wants NO GRAY AREA with anything. He is also going to do exchanges at the police station for the time being---mainly, because he is not comfortable going alone to BM's house to drop or pick up SS. Who knows what false allegation BM could make up about DH?

That is his plan...we'll see if he sticks to it...if not, I am bailing because if he doesn't---he and SS are a sinking ship, and I just can't, much as I love and care about them, let DD go down w/them.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 10:25PM
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I hear you and agree with the measures you're suggesting, and also understand your wanting to protect your daughter and yourself, but if you were to leave and assuming he's dd's dad? That would carry with it another set of problems.

Hopefully these measures will be enough on their own.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2009 at 3:22AM
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hadley, sounds like DH may have finally gotten his wake up call. The best way to deal with exes like that really is to have no contact with them and stick to all court orders in place to the letter. I am a big advocate of co-parenting, but it is only possible when you have two rational adults who are good parents and want the best for the child, which is not the case for your DH. My ex used to do crazy stuff like that all the time for attention and to make my life miserable -- calling CPS, making up crazy stuff about DD when she visited to get me to engage him, etc. I finally made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him unless it had something to do with an emergency regarding DD, wouldn't even say hello if he called or visited (that's what caller ID is for), and now after a few years of crazy stunts and allegations, life is peaceful. DD calls him when she wants to (almost never because he's a control freak with lots of issues), he calls her when he wants (also rarely), and DD and I can communicate about anything relating to her when she visits so I don't need to deal with him except via text message and email, and that is rare as well. You can't give irrational people the satisfaction to know that they have control over your life. So here's to your DH sticking to what he says. Talk is cheap, action can change things.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2009 at 8:04AM
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Marie, The problem is DH has taken this "hard line" over and over again. He always backslides w/BM and gets back to being comfortable, even downright chummy, with her. I would have thought when she came to our house hammered, tried to drive off with their son, and the assaulted me would have been his wake up call. :( He was the same way then--told her he was done communicating w/her, 1 phone call perday, everything via email/text, etc. But then he gradually started letting his guard down and within a few wks things were the same again.

So I WANT to believe he will stick with this but I'm scared he won't.

"assuming he's dd's dad?"

He is not her bio dad.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2009 at 8:36AM
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I think loveh...you know where you stand and have made it clear with dh.
I hope for your daughters sake and you , that's he's finally waken up..but time will tell.
I honestly believe that biomom is acting really irratic for 2 reasons.
1. tactic to make her court case look like both of you are the same....this way what she did to you is made to look insignificant.
2. She's going through periods of alcohol withdrawl...hence the intense accusations and paranoid episodes. And they will get worse. Its a dry drunk you are dealing with and they are nasty!
The way i see it, if dh's doesnt' take the ropes, its time to pack up and go and never deal with this woman ever again.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2009 at 10:23AM
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Do not let them close the case even if they come by for 20 minutes a month you will have the same worker each time she "or someone else" calls so they can keep track of it .... and when hubby goes to court and they ask is cps involved they will call cps and find out BM is trying to "prove" she is the better parent.

Its been a year with out a NEW report from CPS because we have an open case. BM called every 6 months for 3 years to report how badly we mistreat her babies.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2009 at 1:08PM
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