We will see if no good deed really goes unpunished....

mom2emallJune 8, 2010

Well I kept thinking about bm after her parents were in town and did not pick her up because they felt she changed her mind. So I looked up some places that help women in abuse situations leave their abusers and get back on their feet (housing, childcare assistance, etc.). I told dh about it and told him I thought I should go to her work and at least give her the info. If she pretended she did not need it at least I gave it to her and she may still use it. He said it was up to me if I wanted to get involved. So after I found out she was no longer working at her job I called her cell and told her I needed to see her in person to speak to her. She told me she can't get out much but I could go there. So I did.

I told her I did not mean to overstep but I had a feeling about the relationship she was in and I knew places that could help her get out. She began sobbing and told me EVERYTHING about the abuse and relationship. It is about what we(dh and I) had expected. She hugged me and thanked me for telling her about the info (I could not give her the printouts because her bf was home and she could not exactly walk back into the house with them). I also told her I would drive her to one of these places or the airport or police station if she ever needed. My only condition was that her bf could not know it was me driving her....I would have to do it when her bf was at work or something.

As the conversation went on she teetered back and forth from wanting to leave him to making excuses. I just kept telling her she did not deserve what he was doing and comparing it to how her life used to be. And I told her how her kids do not like being around bf and her dd's see how bf treats her and it upsets them a lot! BM was very saddened by that. She thanked me and hugged me and told me she has no friends and if I was not married to her ex she would have me as a best friend.

Her mother called me later that nite to tell me that bm had called her and talked to her about leaving bf and had mentioned how nice I had been. Her mother said she told bm that she will help her if she leaves (her parents have told bm that many times before).

Bm did say that her bf is at work during the day and she would like to see the kids when he is at work. I talked to dh about this and he was ok with it so the kids called her last nite to make arrangements for today. BM's bf answered the phone and sd said he was overly nice. Makes me wonder if bm did not tell bf about her kids not liking him? Anyways bm came to pick up the kids today and will have them a few hours. We will see how it goes.

I just hope that she leaves this jerk. Maybe seeing her kids will remind her what she is missing by letting this guy isolate her from everyone. I was thining of trying to befriend bm so maybe she would not be so isolated and maybe she would see what life is supposed to be like? I was thinking of inviting her to go to the zoo this week with me and the kids. (The zoo by us is free) What do you think? Should I try and befriend her and try to influence her to leave so she can be a better mom to her kids? Or should I leave it alone at this point? I just felt like she made a lot of progress the other day when I spoke to her and she really opened up.

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You did a really good thing Mom2emall --

But going forward, I'd tread very cautiously and not get too involved with her because, as you know, good deeds regularly get punished. Either BM may turn on you in one of her 'I can't live without him!' phases, or she'll leave him, and because of your closer involvement, BF will come to the conclusion that you are to blame.

It's like losing weight -- BM has to come to the conclusion on her own and be *good and ready* before she will leave him for good. Otherwise, it's just another yoyo diet...

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 2:21PM
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you are such a nice person, you did a great thing but I agree with sweeby: be careful. I would not get too involved...too dangerous, keep contact to a minimum. you did your part, let her do hers.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 5:19PM
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Good for you!
And I also agree with Sweeby.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2010 at 8:22PM
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yup. Sweeby nailed it.

And you are a saint.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2010 at 2:22AM
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Ditto Sweeby!

You did a really good thing, and it just goes to show the kindness of your heart.

But now the ball is in BM's court. Be careful, and definitely don't expect anything. It's up to her to take the next step.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2010 at 12:20PM
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You are right girls. I just really want to see her leave this guy!! It makes me so nervous for the safety of her 3 little ones and makes me nervous about my skids going there.

Yesterday the kids said they had a good time with bm. She took them grocery shopping with her and let them pick out all kinds of junk food that they ate while they were there. They also had to go to a dr appt with bm and to pick up bm's bf when he got off work early. The kids said bf was nice to them and said hello, but they were not around him long. Of course when bm dropped the kids off bf had to come with.

I am not sure how often we should let the kids go there. We were feeling pretty safe allowing them to go while bf was at work, but had not thought of him getting off work early. He was supposed to work till 7ish and got off around 2. so the kids were around him for about an hour.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2010 at 1:41PM
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It's really nice what you've done mom2emall, hopefully it helps BM.

Sounds like you already made the decision but your post has been on my mind so I'll still put my 2 bob in :-)
You're right, it's better to stay neutral with BM rather then befriending her. There's every change that that would put you in the middle of BM's drama and that's not good for the kids, simple as that.

The kids need you and that is your primary concern, so it's better to keep BM at a distance.

My experience with people like this is that they take advantage of you, even if they don't do it with bad intentions. It's just the only way they know. They'll lean on you, unload on you, drain you of your energy. This is how they cope with their drama. BM might show up at your place one night after a fight with BF, imagine what that would do with the kids. You just can't afford to take the risk. You're home is their stable and safe place.

You've done a nice thing, I hope BM is encouraged to take some action :-)

    Bookmark   June 11, 2010 at 7:15AM
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Thanks Yabber. I did make it clear to bm that I would DRIVE her somewhere, I never said she could stay here. This is MY home with dh and the kids, it would be too uncomfortable for us all for her to stay even a night here. There are shelters not too far from here that take abuse victims and their kids 24 hours a day.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2010 at 10:28PM
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