15 year old Disrespectful Step daughter

jjw265June 12, 2006

Let's see where do I begin... My husband, this is my second marriage just found a book where my step daughter wrote that I am a ***** and she wished that her dad would hurry up and die from a coronary (he just recently suffered a stroke). She has been spoiled since she was born and now thinks the world should revolve around her. She will not do anything anyone tells her without a big production. Her father gave her one chore and she rarely performs that. She has no respect for anyone and is completely out of control. She asks to spend the night with friends and then goes out to under 21 clubs. Her mother only wants to be her best friend, as does her dad, and they feel that if they upset her by making her be accountable for her actions that she will only rebel by running away. I do not know how to co-exist with her in my family without causing havoc. How do I handle this child knowing what she thinks about me and has no respect. By the way I have three grown sons, all whom have the utmost respect for everyone. Please can someone advise me on how to interact with her. At this point all I want to do is totally ignore her because I am afraid that I will say to her that I think she is a disrespectful, self-centered, spoiled brat. And I feel that this will not help matters. Please can anyone advise me on what to do?

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Sorry to inform you, but stepparents are basically helpless in this situation. This stuff needs to come from mom and dad, and if they're not willing to do it, there's NOTHING you can do that going to improve the situation with her.

Isn't divorced parent guilt a wonderful thing? BLECH... I've seen enough of it to last me a lifetime and then some. I'd like to smack 'em all up side the head. They don't seem to realize just how much they're HURTING THEIR CHILDREN. I don't know that there is anything that you personally can do except suggest parenting classes or family therapy for mom, dad, and daughter.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2006 at 1:34PM
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So, if I am helpless how do I deal with my own well being. Do I just completely ignore her?

    Bookmark   June 12, 2006 at 2:06PM
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Boy, does your experience sound familiar~I'll bet your husband alternates between caving in to your SD and getting all upset and complaining to you about it. Here's a tactic that worked very well for me: I'd listen to his latest rant, and say, "I'm sure you'll decide whatever is best for handling this." Then I'd change the subject or serenely continue what I was doing; that way, you're not hooking yourself into the problem or the solution and you're forcing him to confront his own responsibility for handling the situation. If he insists that you tell him what he should do, just say, "I don't know." I would also never allow my SD to see how much she upset me; that would have given her bad behavior power. The absolute most helpful book I ever read for this was The Dance of Anger.

One other technique that worked for me: I told both step kids that if I got home from work, walked in the door, and found the house, especially the kitchen, a mess (their responsibility to clean up), I would turn around, drive off, and treat myself to a nice, relaxing dinner at a restaurant, instead of making dinner for the family. The key is to be absolutely calm and serious about what you tell them the consequences will be, and then to do it--no continued threats, no giving second chances, nothing. They actually started taking what I had to say more seriously than their dad.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2006 at 6:42PM
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well it's nice to see i'm not the only going through this every day battle. my 13 year old step daugther is seriously not right. i've only been married to my husband since march before that every thing and every one except for this child and her incubator for a mom was all for us. then we got married and all fell apart.......to the point where this little girl called relatives and said i was going to take her on a road trip and leave her in a rest area. that little incident was just one of many. now i am full of hate and resentment my hubby and i don't talk, his famiyl thinks i'm trash and all because of this spoiled little B****. i'm at my end how do i get this kid to just deal with it, the more i complain the worse it gets with the hubby . what do i do i really love him but i really think i HATE her

    Bookmark   July 2, 2006 at 7:52PM
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If you have read this forum, you'll see that these dysfunctional people stay that way. If you can't get the family to family counseling, I would pack my bags and leave before I had any more invested. I'm not talking about a few weeks--more like a year or more.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2006 at 4:58PM
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birdmom, your SD's behavior is the result/consequence of the ineffective, or actively harmful, parenting she's getting from her biological parents. If you can't persuade them to change their own behaviors and their interactions with her, and the messages they're giving her about the divorce, remarriage, and your role in the new family, *nothing* will change her. Plus, lots of the nastiness is simply a girl in teenage years. Try to remember what it was like going from being an active subject of your own life, unconcerned with looks/popularity, into someone who's expected to turn herself into an object whose self-worth is defined by the herd opinions of other teenagers. It's terrible what our culture does to girls.

Having said that, I'd also say that you should not be expected to tolerate active disrespect. I'd have to agree with brass tacks, in the final analysis.

    Bookmark   July 4, 2006 at 8:05AM
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Birdmom...it sounds as though your step daughter saw that episode on the TV show Desperate Housewife's ...where the mom actually did drive her son who was behaving horribly, and left him in the middle of no where, to fend for himself.
It sounds as though she saw the show and is parroting that to relatives. I am sorry this is so hard for both of you. I wish better days ahead for you both.

    Bookmark   July 4, 2006 at 9:51AM
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There is nothing you can do unfortunately to remedy the situation. Its up to the bio parents. And is sounds like they are doing nothing! But for your sanity. I know this is hard...IGNORE HER COMPLETELY. Do nothing for her. Do not cook anything special for her. Focus on your marriage. do not clean her clothes. Put a clothes hamper in her room She wants to do things her way. Her room . her stuff. let her be responsible. If she goes to nightclubs all night. Dont rack your brain. She is not your responsibility.Period. My husband just saw your post. And he says at her age...dont give her money. Dont clean her room. NOTHING!!! And at 16 her father should tell her get a job. Or go live with her mother and get out of the house.
Here in canada, at age 16 a child can get a full time job and move out of the house. And at age 18 a parent has the right to throw them out. Its sounds ugly but when you have this bad of a situation...your kinda glad.
I'm sure she has other relatives to live with. You do not need this disrespect. My husbands son is 8 and didn't want to come with us one weekend. He said fine. I'm taking my daughter and you can stay home. Its your descision and your loss.
I dont know how strong your husband is because of his health. But he should be the one to tellher daughter things. Not you. And if she doesn't listen to him. I would ship her out to a relative.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2006 at 9:50AM
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I must say i totally feel all the pain I too have 2 almost 18 and 15yo step-sons. Their mother went out sleeping with other men and their father was a truck driver and home very little while she allowed them to do whatever passified them in order for her to sleep around. I believe in making a child accountable for their actions and when I do I am called a tyrant or diciplinarian by dad, who refuses to accept his kids are smoking pot huffing claiming to have started a gang...and all the other wonderful mischievious behavior. I am close to having a nervous breakdown and all i really do is cry anymore. I hate the fact these kids' parents are far too worried about being their buddies when the role they signed up for was being a parent...so if you do ever find the "cure" please share the wisdom........

    Bookmark   March 26, 2007 at 10:55PM
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Lol! I've been told by my 14 year old step daughter she can't wait until I'm gone permanently. I told her if its so miserable here then go find her real dad and Moloch off him. She asked me if i even pay rent in the house I co own with my wife; because my wife and i have two small children together. Short of sending other teens after her or kicking her ass myself, I just go about my day and I am trying to find counseling services. Her mother is an enabler too. Whatever the brat wants, mom gives it up and will defend her daughters ignorant behavior by trying yo turn things on me and make me out to be the bad Guy. I just laugh and tell her to get her facts together before she opens her mouth. I know my wife would like us all to get along; but so long as she treats her daughter like a princess nothing will change.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2013 at 7:41PM
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Coryw31 - the people that posted on this thread are long gone. Did you notice that the OP posted this in 2006, and the last reply was in 2007?

    Bookmark   April 28, 2013 at 12:39PM
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