Step daughter marriage

sm25August 25, 2013

Need some opinons: I am remarried w/2 bio kids and 5 step children and my husband and I have adopted 2 little ones. My daughter was going to get married and my husband refused for us to pay for anything however, his daughter is now getting married and he wants to help. His reason is that his daughter is holding down 2 jobs while my daughter has 1 part time job and a baby so she's not trying to better herself. Really upsetting to me. His daughter wants our adopted 4 year old in the wedding but not the adopted 10 year in her wedding. (my children are not in the wedding). I adamantly said if both adopted children not in the wedding, then neither can be as they are biologic siblings and there would be hurt feelings. These issues are causing arguments in my marriage. I put my foot down this morning and said if we help with his daughters wedding then we help with my daughters wedding. We have seperate bank accounts and I'm thinking he can pay for his daughter out of his and I can pay for my daughter out of mine. I'm not trying to be mean, but we have a lot of kids and I feel we need to be fair to all of them...any opinoins or suggestions???? ps...his daughter expects him to pay for part of hers and says that my daughters dad should pay for hers...

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scarlett2001

I would say you have more problems than wedding etiquette.

Side-stepping all the undertow, it seems that paying from the two separate accounts is the easiest answer.

    Bookmark   August 29, 2013 at 12:43AM
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gellchom

I think you will get a lot more helpful responses on the stepfamilies forum than you will here.

I agree, it sounds to me like the separate bank accounts provide the best solution. Each of you spend what you wish on your own child (or if you like, each other's).

I understand you don't want your 10 year old to feel hurt. But I can see someone wanting to include a tiny 4 year old flower girl/ring bearer without wanting to have more children involved. 10 is really too old to be a flower girl or ring bearer, but too young to be a bridesmaid or usher. So unless she is including all her siblings except the 10 year old, I don't think that the bride was out of line to ask just the 4-year-old (although she'd be smart to think of some other treat for the 10 year old, too). Sooner or later siblings do need to learn that they don't always all get exactly the same goodies, and that's okay -- for them to learn to believe otherwise is to set them up for disappointment, jealousy, and resentment. We've all heard stories about parents who even insist that anyone inviting one of their children to a birthday party must include all the siblings. You can try to be fair with what you give your children, but you can't dictate what everyone else will do.

I agree, though, it doesn't sound like this is really a wedding issue -- it's a family issue. You all need to find a way to feel good about this and not let it dominate and spoil either wedding. I understand your disappointment in both situations, but please don't let it ruin your family's joy and future relationships.

Two weddings in one year! Congratulations.

    Bookmark   August 29, 2013 at 3:25PM
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sweet_pea10

I agree with the previous posters; there is clearly a family issue here. Aside from the dynamics that seep through your question, can you and your husband perhaps agree on an amount that you individually spend on your child's weddings? With so many children, this issue is going to recur regularly, so you need to set some guidelines that are fair to everyone.

I also agree that the 4 year old should be allowed to participate in the wedding. Each child needs to be treated as an individual, not part of a package. If your daughter wants to include the 10 year old in some way, perhaps she/he can hand out programs or supervise the gift table.

    Bookmark   August 30, 2013 at 3:18PM
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sm25

Thanks for the responses. Yes, i guess this should be on the step family page. :) I told hubby we should pay out of our own accounts for our kids and he said no..so...who knows what will happen.

    Bookmark   August 30, 2013 at 4:26PM
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