Confused about boyfriend & his daughter

ConfusedGirlfriendJune 29, 2012

Help, Please.

My boyfriend (supposedly fianc�) has a 26 year old daughter who still lives at home rent-free and does no chores. I moved in a year ago after his ex moved out (they didn�t really have a relationship for the last 12 years of their 25-year marriage & I�ve been told that the mom was abusive).

Long story short: the dad (my boyfriend) does not confront his daughter to save money and move out or to clean up her room (it�s a freaking mess and spills over into the common living areas � heaps of clothes, dirty dishes). She is so spoiled and most often seems like a 13-year old (her room is consistently a fire hazard). But he does nothing to address this issue. The house is more like a dumping ground or a hotel. She has a terrible boyfriend that isn�t allowed in our house but she does whatever she wants as she was never given any boundaries or ground rules.

He says he wants her to move out but makes it comfortable for her to stay. She�s an only child.

I�ve been so careful and compassionate about being a great girlfriend and stepmom-to-be, but I feel that emotionally there is no room in this house for me. Being a positive, supportive and encouraging role model for both of them doesn�t seem to work and I feel slighted and used.

She tried to break us up for the first 6 months I lived here, despite my nice meals and patient compassionate approach.

After a year, I just can�t take it anymore. I�ve wanted to have a family meeting with the three of us but that�s never happened. She flip-flops on what she wants to do, and he flip-flops between what he says he wants (her to move out) and what really happens (nothing).

The mess and my boyfriend not confronting his daughter makes me flip out. I was made to believe that he could talk to his daughter, but he always avoids it. He�s confronted her maybe twice since I�ve moved in. Even so, he doesn�t enforce anything. He�s waiting for her to be an adult without showing her how.

I have no one to talk to, and I can�t move out plus I�m unemployed and financially dependant on my boyfriend so moving out in a blaze of glory is not an option.

There should be an apology and a drastic change in behavior on their part but I�m normally the one who�s made to feel guilty and bend to the weird behavior.

Please help. I�m falling apart. Thanks.

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mkroopy

Your BF is not doing his daughter any favors by allowing this. He needs to grow a pair and give her one month to get out, and if not, he needs to change the locks and put her stuff to the curb.

But....based on his past history of enabling this behavior, there's a good chance it just wont happen. If I were you, I'd also start planning for the potential that it doesn't....why are you financially dependent on him? I am imagining you are in your 40s or 50's....is there are reason you cannot be independent? Not a good idea to ever be dependent on someone else if you can prevent it....

    Bookmark   June 29, 2012 at 12:08PM
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justmetoo

So you moved in to be the cook and maid? Not in my world. I don't wait hand and foot on my own DH of 30 plus yrs let alone my own children.

So what skills does daughter have? Is she going to school? Does she have a job? I'm a mean momma that makes kids work outside the home and pay a small rent from the second they get out of high school (they worked on their own desire during high school). I knew I'd not be doing my 'job' as a parent if I did not take the role of preparing my children to launch.

Does the daughter have emotional scars from abuse? Any counseling? Is there any reason she is 26 and 'helpless'. Except for she's a lazy slob, you didn't really give much information. I agree the daughter needs set goals and a timeline to complish moving out. But a month might be a bit soon without knowing more details. Job hunting and housecleaning/picking up after herself would be a mandatory immediate.

You yourself would not be the perfect person to discuss becoming self efficient with the daughter though. It'd be rather counterproductive to lay out 'you must get a job' when you yourself are a stay home GF who is dependent on her father. The daughter will blow you off as the 'do as I say not as I do' lady.

Another thing to question is, is this the way your BF and his daughter have always lived their life? Though BF says he wants it to be different (her move her) his actions don't follow his words. Could he be very content with how he and daughter are and how they live? If so, no matter how much you whine and 'flip out' nothing is likely to change. You've voiced your opinion over the situation for a year and no signs of anything improving or Dad taking a stand with the daughter.

I doubt a family meeting will get you changes either, unless Dad is serious about it. If you're physically able, you might consider job hunting for yourself and earning some income so that you can become less dependent on BF. if you can't 'change' them the one thing you can change is yourself. It'd give you a way to leave if all else fails. You're unhappy and so far BF/daughter don't particularly care. That's not a good sign that there is much of a future in your relationship.

    Bookmark   June 29, 2012 at 12:52PM
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imamommy

Move out.

If you don't like it there, move out...

If you've only been living there a year & she's 26, then he has allowed her to live like that for 26 years. He's not going to change. I'd move out & tell him that when she is gone, I will consider moving back.

    Bookmark   June 29, 2012 at 3:46PM
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imamommy

Oh, sorry. I hadn't read that last part.

If you are financially dependent upon him... and he allows her to live like that, then I guess you can keep quiet & not make waves. That may not be the popular answer but YOU are dependent upon him and he sees no reason to do anything about her... I guess you should suck it up & learn to deal with it or figure out another way out.

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE HIM.

    Bookmark   June 29, 2012 at 3:50PM
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