My daughter's wedding.

TRWBrewerAugust 5, 2012

About three years ago my 30 year-old daughter suddenly distanced herself from me. She is one of four children on my side and an only child on her fathers. She's getting married in a couple of months and of course I have not been included in the wedding planning or festivities.

A couple of days ago I received a text from her saying, "Mom, I am going to send you an invitation to my wedding. You are my mom and I do want you there. I don't want to take you by surprise but, I do have a very nice lady that has helped me with all of the wedding stuff. She will be sitting in the front row with the corsage. If you don't want to come, I understand."

I don't know what to do. I want her to have a lovely wedding and a marriage that stands the test of time. Other then seeing each other every few months at family events we don't speak. I've heard tidbits here and there (her younger sister is maid of honor).

I have no idea why she has rejected me the last several years, though I did catch her with her now fiance in her bedroom one night. Weddings are stressful enough, adding someone that you have and resentment toward makes no sense.

I have kept quite for the past three years. I have never responded to the gossip or rumors from family members regardless of the sting. This feels like a slap in the face. What do I do?

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ellendi

This is a very difficult situation for you to be in. You have issues with each other for three years that have not been resolved.
She did say in her text "You are my mom and I do want you there."
Go to the wedding. Don't be concerned about rumors or gossip. You have the right to be there and your daughter wants you there.
Yes, it is hurtful that a woman seems to be taking your place on your daughter's wedding day. But, if you don't go it will be making a very big statement in how things will progress from this point forward. Your daughter is giving you an out and says she would understand, but in this case you need to take the high road.
Hopefully, you will be able to improve your relationship after the wedding.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 9:22PM
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colleenoz

Wow, that's really hurtful. Ellendi has given you some very good advice, IMO. It depends on how you want your relationship with your daughter to move forward. If you don't want the chance to mend things, stay away. If you do, then you'll have to suck it up and go with a smile.
I wonder if it would help if you could mention to another family member your daughter respects, that it might at least be a good idea for you to have a corsage, if not sit in the front as well. Then if (hopefully) your relationship improves in the future, your daughter won't be beset by lingering regret that she slighted you at her wedding, something that can't be undone.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 10:16PM
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colleenoz

Also thinking, do you think your daughter has invited you so that if you don't go and other family members enquire why, she can say, "Well I did invite Mom, it's her fault if she chose not to come"?
What do other family members say now about your estrangement? Are they aware? What will they say when they see a stranger in the "mother of the bride" role at the wedding: will they support you or your daughter? It's a pretty nasty insult but if you attend with a smile, you'll be the bigger person.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2012 at 4:38AM
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nancylouise_gw

I would go and sit in the front row with the other lady. As she stated, you are her mom and she wants you there. I would take her at her word.
I think there is more to this then just finding them in bed together to cause the strain in the relationship. But that is for you to discuss after the wedding and a bit of time has passed. If you don't go it will be much more difficult to mend the gap between you two. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   August 6, 2012 at 7:07AM
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gellchom

I agree with the others, especially with NancyLouise's observation, "If you don't go it will be much more difficult to mend the gap between you two."

I do think it's childish of your daughter to say that the lady who helped her is going to be wearing THE corsage -- what, is there only one in the world? It would be classier for her to buy one for you, too. Maybe she still will. But even if she doesn't, although I know it will sting, it's not a big deal -- it's just a corsage. There are much bigger issues here. Do NOT show up wearing one you bought yourself.

At least she gave you a heads up about a particular element that she knew would probably be upsetting rather than letting you get blindsided with it.

I'm so sorry for this sorrow in your family. I hope it will improve, and I definitely think that attending the wedding and being nothing but positive will be a huge help. Good luck.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2012 at 3:07PM
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ellendi

Remember too, that anyone important to you, friends or relatives, know about the rift with your daughter.
Try to look at going as one step closer to mending fences.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2012 at 6:15PM
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susie53_gw

I don't know of a single person that would sit in the front row where a mothers is to sit. What would be classy would be for the lady that helped step aside and let the mother place be for the mother.. To the mother, go with a smile on your face and be proud of your daughter. For her to have the lady friend have a corsage and not you will make her look foolish, not you.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2012 at 8:28AM
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Patty_N

I think you 2 really need to meet and talk before the wedding day. Figure out what happened back then.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2013 at 10:11PM
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