Should we or Shouldn't attend the wedding
A dilemma and not sure what to do.
Relationship with brother and sister-in-law is essentially non existent.
Never was close to my brother and any attempts I have made over the years has been met with being ignored.
I had been very close to my sister and her children up until several years ago, when our mother died. Now that is non existent as well and not by my choice.
So now my hubby and I have received an invitation to my brother's daughter's wedding. A big formal evening wedding and reception. Neither of our children, ages 29 and 24 have been invited. The oldest lives out of state, the younger one, the last they new was still living at home, but working full time.
We have seen my niece once when she was a year old and then when my mother died. So we really don't know her.
There has been no communication between my brother or my sister since our mother died, but nor for my lack of trying. I'm just ignored, phone calls not returned, e-mails not answered, letters not answered etc.
I can't figure out why we got the invitation at all and both my hubby and I are ambivalent about attending this wedding and formal adult reception only, which is about an hour away from where we live.
Part of me wants to go as my mother, where she alive, would be hysterical if we did not attend. So i would be going for her memory and what she would have wanted me to do.
Part of me wants to go as we believe that the invitation was sent as part of proper protocol, but we aren't expected to attend and it would shock my brother and sister-in-law.
part of me wishes that this is my brother's attempt to make contact and begin a relationship. But that isn't really going to happen at a huge formal wedding. Besides if that was what he was trying to to, he would have called me when his daughter got engaged. We found out about it a year later when we received one of those reserve the date announcements.
Part of me wants to go to see the lavish absurdity that my brother and sister-in-law are paying for. 400 people, men are wearing tails, women long dresses, and instructions for guests is "you decide what is appropriate to wear."
That requires both hubby and myself to buy clothes to wear to this wedding.
On the other side of the feelings not to attend.
My hubby is furious that our 24 year old daughter was not invited, even though she doesn't know her first cousin and only met her at her beloved grandmother's funeral. And he is not pleased that our 29 year old son was not invited either and he doesn't know the bride either.
He believes that I should call my brother, out of the blue, and either ask if she can come as well or find out why she didn't receive an invitation. We have had the invite for a week now, so I don't think my kids invites are coming at all.
I don't agree with the phone call idea, but do resent the lack of courtesy to our children. Especially when we received an invite and there is no relationship with them.
We have assumed that my sister, who lives out of state, has been invited and probably both of her adult children as well. There is or at least was a relationship there after my mother died, but don't know if it still exists as my sister chose to no longer have a relationship with us and we don't know why.
If we attend the wedding, other than my sister and her children, we will know no one at the wedding or reception, and will certainly feel uncomfortable if seated with my sister and see that her kids where invited and ours left out.
My hubby is not sure he could even be civil to my sister now, after having spent 6 years supporting her and her children after she left an abusive husband.
To add to all of this, I have not been well for the last several years. I had spinal surgery a year ago, and though recovered as best as can be expected, the 1 hour drive will be difficult for me. Also the sitting for long periods of time, IE wedding and formal sit down reception will also be difficult as I can only sit or stand for about 30-40 minutes without having to get up and move around for a while, or sit down for a while.
At the present time, I am having some back problems again and have to see the doc this week to find out if it is just damaged muscles causing the pain or there is more going on.
Both my hubby and my daughter are concerned about my being able to physically tolerate going as well, but I'm sure I could figure out things to accommodate my problems and deal with them. Though wearing a dress, long or short will not be possible as I need the waist of pants to keep either a heat patch or a cold patch on me to attend.
So I was thinking that a very fancy pant suit would be fine to wear.
I'd like some opinions on what any of you think is the appropriate thing to do.
It has been suggested to me that we decline the invitation. Send a letter to both my niece and my brother and sister-in-law declining the invitation, saying something that "circumstances are such, that we just can not attend" and then offer " after the wedding and return from honeymoon, that we could get together, maybe for dinner an a weekend and catch up and hear all about the wedding."
I don't know what the right thing is to do. Oh, yes, my daughter was very hurt to not receive an invite, and did say that if she where the one getting married, she would send her aunt and uncle and invitation along with both of their adult children.
Thanks for any input.